BeingMe Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I'm over a year separated. I wouldn't date me! Still got too much work to do on myself. Still think too much about STBXH. Still too much 'drama' going on. I also wouldn't date my STBXH. Despite him being the one who had an affair and left...he's still dropping breadcrumbs (which I ignore) and trying to get my attention. He should be detached, yet somehow he isn't. I feel sorry for anyone he's seeing. I'm sure he does a good impression of being single and healthy, but he's not. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I think this falls in line with just about everything else in life regarding compatibility.... A "single" person isnt the same as a married, seperated, or recently divorced person..So there is the dynamic of imbalance...Some can overcome it...others cant..Its no different in some respects to those that have no kids dating those that do...It creates problems.. If two recently seperated/divorced people met, then it would probably have a good chance of working out..They are in the same boat.....But a single person? Probably gonna be a problem.. TFY.
salparadise Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I noticed several people talking about the separated or recently divorced people either going back, hooking up, or continuing to be quite involved with the ex's. While I realize that may be a possibility in some situations... my thinking doesn't even take that into consideration. Why? Because if that possibility still exists then they haven't even begun to resolve the emotional trauma and move forward. The minimum acceptable should be that they've completely (or almost completely) put the past behind them and started moving forward decisively, being clear of the fog so to speak. If you use that as the minimum then you won't have to even think about them running back and forth from your house to the ex's house every time their mood changes. Two years past the final divorce is about when that usually happens. 1
The dot Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Is separated? They are not divorced. It all depends on the circumstances. My parents separated without ever getting a formal divorce simply because we were poor and there weren't enough assets to pay for a divorce lawyer anyway. That said, if I was ever going to get into a serious relationship with someone, I'd want to be dating them for a minimum of three years (preferably five) before offering up any kind of commitment, so I'd have plenty of time to learn how they are with their ex.
thefooloftheyear Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I noticed several people talking about the separated or recently divorced people either going back, hooking up, or continuing to be quite involved with the ex's. While I realize that may be a possibility in some situations... my thinking doesn't even take that into consideration. Why? Because if that possibility still exists then they haven't even begun to resolve the emotional trauma and move forward. The minimum acceptable should be that they've completely (or almost completely) put the past behind them and started moving forward decisively, being clear of the fog so to speak. If you use that as the minimum then you won't have to even think about them running back and forth from your house to the ex's house every time their mood changes. Two years past the final divorce is about when that usually happens. I see your point clearly.. But in reality couldn't you say the exact same thing about a single person who is fresh out of a LTR? Would the "two year rule" apply to those single people who havent fully emotionally detached themselves (or cleared the fog/resolved the issues)from their exes as well?.....I dunno... Either way, at the end of the day all the boxes can be checked off and you still have no guarantees of anything, really, but as I said...I do see your point... TFY
BeingMe Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I see your point clearly.. But in reality couldn't you say the exact same thing about a single person who is fresh out of a LTR? Would the "two year rule" apply to those single people who havent fully emotionally detached themselves (or cleared the fog/resolved the issues)from their exes as well?.....I dunno... Either way, at the end of the day all the boxes can be checked off and you still have no guarantees of anything, really, but as I said...I do see your point... TFY Maybe not 2 years (after all,a marriage is a lifelong commitment and it takes a lot to change the mindset on that) but yes,at least 6 months. Otherwise you get a person who is not emotionally healthy/available and you need to ask yourself why you'd want that? I met my STBXH a month out of a LTR. I was not yet healthy, and that's what he wanted. If I'd been emotionally healthy, I wouldn't have ignored the red flags, that I did. He groomed me to accept them and see them as normal. And I take responsibility for just wanting someone to fill the hole of hurt, rather than taking time to heal.
Zeurich Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 No I am not comfortable with that I feel at the end I am the looser. It is kind of not sure situation if he/she go back together or will they start over. Better some one no commitments.
salparadise Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I see your point clearly.. But in reality couldn't you say the exact same thing about a single person who is fresh out of a LTR? Would the "two year rule" apply to those single people who havent fully emotionally detached themselves (or cleared the fog/resolved the issues)from their exes as well?.....I dunno... Either way, at the end of the day all the boxes can be checked off and you still have no guarantees of anything, really, but as I said...I do see your point... It depends on the individual and the long-term relationship, but not usually. Marriage is a different level of commitment, an order of magnitude different. When a marriage ends it's like a death... like your own death in a sense. You have to reconstruct who you are. Whereas dating is something you do, but not really something you have become. When a couple is in a LTR, it's a pretty good bet that the reason they aren't married is that one or both have one foot out the door, or keeping an eye on the door. When you marry you seal the door over with brick. When a marriage ends so does one's sense of self in that context, which is often decades in duration. And related to this, I think you start counting when the divorce is final and not upon separation. Yes I've seen the posts about long-term separations. I think people who do that may be deluding themselves. It doesn't take much money to finalize an uncontested divorce. They are afraid to let go of the past. I was married 23 years and have been divorced for 4 1/2 years. We were in relationship 5 years before getting married. One can see these things so much clearer in retrospect. Before people start citing exceptions, I acknowledge that they may exist. Not all LTRs are of such limited commitment, and not all marriages are totally committed. Some people emotionally divest faster than others. Some were never fully invested in the first place (antisocial features or deficits in emotional functioning). 1
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