Missredhead Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 This maybe all over the place so I apologise as I'm sobbing my heart out writing this. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 and a half years now. We have been arguing a lot lately, we do live (lived) together for the last 2 years. Last Sunday he packed and went back to his mums because he said the arguing these past few months has gotten to him. He says if I cry it just winds him up, that he used to care if I was upset but now he doesn't feel anything. Yesterday he came over for a talk I guess ( he's not a big talker anyway) he decided he still feels the same as last week and not coming back still. I feel in limbo, I feel horrible. I feel like he doesn't want to come back. He has just said we will see where things go... I don't know what that means after 5 years. At the minute he won't answer texts, he's being really vague when I've asked him if he is going to come back? He just says he can't answer that. I tried to asked about the bills today and his response was 'it's not even been 24 hours and you're ranting at me' I can't stop crying. Do I have no contact? What do I do? I'm finding it really hard to cope and I know that it is probably the end as he seems to have no feelings at all at the moment. 1
hurts2death Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 well welcome to the forum of broken hearts. i have been there. trust me what you have to do now is to not show depentant. please initiate low contact. only answer him when he contacts you and with delay. it will make him run after you. i promise. but are you ready to do sth so hard. i know it is hard but you must do it. the more you call and text him the more he flyes away. -john 1
Author Missredhead Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Thank you John. So that will work even if he doesn't seem to have any emotions toward me at all? 1
mrty Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Hi I'm so sorry to hear what your going through at the moment. I myself have recently been dumped after a long term relationship. I know the pain can be unbearable and no amount of comforting sentiments from anyone will make you feel much better. I don't know your ex but it sounds to me that its over for him. My advice to you would be to just cut all contact and do your best to move on. This is probably the last thing you want to do because obviously you still love him, but take it from someone who is wearing your shoes right now that it is the best thing to do. I was like you reading loads of different advice posts online trying to make sense of what happened trying to find anything that would give some small insight into what your ex's reasons were. There is a very good thread in the breakup section on no contact, I think you should read it if you haven't already. I know its only a small aspect of what you're going through and will go through for a time but it will help you understand some things. I really hope you can feel happy again soon, try not to feel to down on yourself. At the end of the day I'm sure you feel if he would take you back you would be happy again, but would he? I know that's blunt I still want my ex to take me back but I also want her to be happy and if couldn't make her happy then I'd rather be single. Take care of yourself.
hurts2death Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 i think yes because all these years he got used to sth. but dont think he feels nothing .Thank you John. So that will work even if he doesn't seem to have any emotions toward me at all?
Author Missredhead Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Well I've stopped the communication now. I hope you're right John. I feel awful. Didn't know a person could cry until they had a nosebleed lol. It really is brutal thinking someone you love may not love you back after 5 years.
Author Missredhead Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 If it works I'll let you know
ThorntonMelon Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 I would set a target date for yourself (don't tell him). Maybe 5-7 days from now. Every day I would journal all your thoughts and feelings but also try and be honest about where he has let you down. Make it work both ways. And then try and have a conversation. He cannot just walk out on your life. You live together, you have shared expenses. He likely owes significant money for rent/utilities. He sounds very immature to me and I think he is causing your emotional outbursts. It sounds like you need a stronger man. I realize he is the love of your life, but please remember you have needs and it's not all about what he wants.
Author Missredhead Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Ok thank you Thornton I'll try that. You seem really intuitive? He is 5 years younger than me I will see as all I get from him is we will see or I don't know.
Author Missredhead Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 Long story short (my beginning thread is here somewhere) Boyfriend of let's say 6 years as it's past the 5 and a half mark now by a while. He walked out 2 weeks ago. Been doing quite crappy since as you all are well aware how it feels. Anyway when he left he said we will see how things go? Ever since he's pretty much ignored my messages or they're really abrupt and cold. Today and yesterday inadmittedly bugged him with texts because the silent treatment to me is a cruel and nasty game to play. Especially when I was along what to do about the bills and I'm in a bit of a mess. He more he wasn't answering me the more frustrating it became. So I got upset. Sent a few this morning saying I need to know what to so you have left me in limbo, do I take you off the lease? Do I change your tax/voters thing to say you're not here ( get fined in the uk if you don't ) do I say you've moved to your mums so I get a little help with council tax? What? I don't know what to so about my holiday, because if you are here I can go? If you're not I can't? I need to know for people's deposits. Well I have been ignored, ignored, ignored, wondering what the hell to do. Then been given the silent treatment until I just said please just answer me it's not fair to leave me in limbo in a complete mess with things. He then said: I'll call you later. ????? So is he stalling telling me because he doesn't want to go or he's got to discuss with mummy first what? To others. NC is a great thing. But before you decide to ignore/cut out/ go silent on the other person at least make sure you are not leaving them to tidy your crap up as it's really unclear and hurtful. 1
Author Missredhead Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 Sorry wrote this on my phone bit naff with the grammar, predictive words etc...
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Nc isnt in itself a game we play with other people. NC is meant for one thing only. That is to heal the hurt we currently have in our heart. Regardless of which way the relationship ended, NC is enforced for you to move on by limiting the amount of pain you feel. I mentioned before in a post that think of NC as a bandaid, and the wound you suffered from the relationship underneath that bandaid. Each time you proactively interfere in their life regardless of what it is; Email, snooping, digging, texting, and calling. You delay your healing because your effectively ripping that band-aid off from a wound that has just begun to scab. As you continue to analyze thoughts, or incidents you allow that person to have all the power, and you lose all that you set aside for yourself. You can't move on, can't heal, nor can you overcome the breakup because you are consistently in their life. It's basically reverting back to square 1 each time. NC is total blackout. They don't get to see your life, and you don't get to see theirs. It destroys the curiosity of discovery, but only when it's implemented properly.
Author Missredhead Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 That's great, but we shared a home. He has left me to cover every single bill. I have no clear way of knowing if he intends to come back or if he intends to stay away. I have to let the landlord know by law if he's not living here. I have to change bills over. There's things that are in his name that I can't begin to do myself, yet I do not want people/authorities knocking on the door because he wants NC. He needs to understand he had responsobilies and he can't walk out,bury his head in the sand and leave me with all of it. That said. He dumped me. I'm trying to sort out the roof over my head.
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 I'd suggest sitting him down and having this conversation with him. If he continually goes NC and refuses that conversation make it known that he will be receiving these bills in his name. Have you thought about moving out, and finding a place for just yourself? There is a certain level of responsibility associated with this, and if he's unwilling to accept those responsibilities you only have three options honestly. Make it known to him his responsibilities and don't take no for answer. Take him to court Or move to another location and get things in your name.
Pickmeup Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Yes NC isn't always feasible. I work with my H we are self-employed. At first we thought we could still work the business together, I think it was my lifeline of hope. 3 months into separation and my hope has gone and working with him is too painful. Acceptance is the hardest but I think I am there now, thinking of taking off my wedding ring now :-( although I still cannot quite do it. So try and accept it, it's over, I know it's so hard to do (i am still struggling) but we deserve somebody that wants to be with us. If he doesn't want to be with you, start the ball rolling, start moving on to your next chapter - so many of us are having to do that too although it wasn't our choice. Tell the landlord, start changing the bills, start with one small step a day. All our tomorrows are blank pages to fill with new exciting adventures and happier times. 2
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 All our tomorrows are blank pages to fill with new exciting adventures and happier times. Exactly. That chapter has been read. It's time to turn the page, and find out what happens in the next section. You are the writer, what would you like it to say?
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