daisydook Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Hi All, Some of you have read about my story around here, although I have never formally introduced myself of made a thread of my own. SO, hello LS! I am going to try to keep this short-er. My posts outline my life! Lol. I opened my account on LS, after I started dating a new BF in December of 2013, and after leaving my ex of 9 years. I had been single a year, living on my own and had not dated anyone for a while... Well, my boyfriend dumped me the other day. I have been more ok with it than I thought. I have been a little quieter around here. It shocked me a little bit, but isn't going to destroy me. He told me he does not want to be with anyone right now because school and work is too much for him. I told him that's fine. I am not arguing for a spot in anyone's life. I do believe there is someone peaking his interest, which is why he ended things, but he wont admit to it, so that is that. It has been a while since I have been dumped! Lol. Humpf. Anyway, that was not the point of my story. My ex of 9 years cheated on me, I found out, and I left. We were living together for 7, engaged for 5, trying to conceive for 2, and about 3 months from our wedding day when I met his girlfriend. I left him the day I met her. He lied initially, and eventually, told me the truth I knew ALL along. We met at 19 and 22. Broke up at 28 and 30 He would try to write letters, emails, voice mails, text messages. I did not answer my phone to him. He was remorseful the entire time, I have no reason to believe he ever spoke to her again, and he has remained single, living in the home we bought and planned on putting children in together. I actually have no reason to believe he has spoken to any woman for that matter. He has made it very clear to mutual friends he is devastated I am seeing someone. I have been told a few times now. He has a work related back injury he had been taking very heavy drugs for about 7 years. I left him in the height of his addiction to these drugs, which is also when he was cheating, going through his WSIB court hearings, planning a wedding, taking heavy drugs just to go to work, trying to conceive... We were doing a whole lot, all at one time! When I saw him, he had told me since he won his WSIB court case, he is now going back to school to get retrained doing something less labour intensive, he is not working, he is NOT on ANY pain pills, and is doing cortizone injections finally! 7 years later, and he is finally receiving treatment, other than Oxys. I cannot blame his behaviour on the drugs, at all, but I do believe he just didn't give a **** about anything at the end. The other night, I saw the man I used to know, the one who slipped away after a few years on drugs. I always worried his addiction would turn into a heroin addiction, as he had to fight with his Dr to get enough to get through work each month. I understood his addiction and knew if he had a choice in the matter, he would have chosen differently. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with work related injuries, pain medications, and court hearings, most doctors don't want to help you. His Dr is a lot more helpful now that he has won the case, and he feels more comfortable helping. The fact is, we were both on drugs! Lol. I was taking fertility meds and crazy all the time, he was on Oxys and in pain all the time, we were planning a wedding, but stressed over other things as well. We found out about my fertility problems when I was 27, so we started trying right away, instead of waiting to try when we were married (for anyone who is curious - I have PCOS and do not ovulate on my own at all. Ever. :|) On top of all of this, we lost twins at 9 weeks 2 days after 13 months of trying. So meds did work, once. I feel fortunate here. I didn't have a douchy ex who treated me poorly or defended his cheating. He wasn't douchy when we were together. He was a great man to me, and I loved his so much. He had his issues, but I never wanted to leave. I didn't have a horrible OW either. She did not know about me, so she was also distraught, right along with me. He hurt us both very badly. He has never once tried to defend his position at all, but he didn't want to give me the entire truth. I think he thought he would make it worse with the truth. He couldnt have done any better or worse with the truth. I knew the truth and knew all of it. I saw him the other night. Last time I saw him was at the start of 2012, about a year and a half ago. I literally almost stopped breathing. We stared one another down, and smiled big at one another as we approached. We both stopped, he looked at me, and then asked me if he could hug me. I leaned in and hugged him, shaking. I leaned back out, and laughed and said "Hi!" Im mad! Right? So mad!!! :| *let the eye rolling begin!* I was walking to my car, which happened to be a few blocks away from my girlfriends house because you get tickets without a permit on her street, and she lives in the beaches. Hot days, means you park far away! Lol. He offered to walk me back to my car. He told me he has never stopped loving me, he misses me so much, and that he needs me to just stop this nonsense of dating someone else and come home. He had no idea I had just been dumped. LOL!!! He said "please just come home, let me make this right. You can have anything you have ever wanted with me and you know that. I am so sorry for breaking your heart, and doing this to us. Whatever you need in the way of communication, honesty, and transparency, I am more than willing to give you. I want you to know I am serious. I would marry you today, tonight, please, marry me? I am the right man, I screwed up so badly, but I need you here with me again. You need me here with you again. Look at you. We are not wrong for one another. I screwed up really badly, and I want to prove to you how amazing a husband I can be to you. You deserve it. If you chose him, I would be broken for the rest of my life. He isn't me and you know that, Daisy." I told him I would speak to him in a few days, and let this all sink it. I told him it still felt like a dream to see him. I was not expecting him to drop that on me. He did say he didn't know if he would ever get another chance to say something, so he didn't hesitate because since we broke up, he has never actually seen me anywhere, or had a chance to, because I havent spoken to him at all, and will not reply. I dont know what the hell to do! I am so confused. I have been thinking about him constantly since that happened and I have no idea how to shake it. I expected when I first saw him, my reaction would have been anger. But, no... a hug and a smile, and a chat while walking to my car. A man who is professing his undying love, after a year and a half, who was given one chance face to face to do so. He didnt waste his chance anyway! Lol. He laid it all out and clarified exactly what he wanted. I have no idea what I want. I am so scared I wont be able to forgive him if I entertained the idea of going back. I was SO clueless and he hid it well, and I have to say, that scares me more than anything. I didnt even know anything was happening and feel really stupid some days for it. I am scared I could be that blind again. Had I been questioning it, had he been someone I would have expected this from, had he been a cheater for years, showed me any red flags or reasons not to marry him.............. Ugh. Help. I know I will get people on both sides of this, who will feel I should maybe try it, and then others who will say dont. Just please be nice to me, and dont tell me how stupid I am. 1
Author daisydook Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 Mods, please feel free to move this to whatever spot on the site it should be in! Lol. It fits in a few categories
I am Bud Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Dear daisydook It seems like you both have gone through quite a bit together as a couple and apart as individuals. It may be the case that once a rat always a rat but sometimes people can learn from there mistakes and do change. If you want to give him another chance then I would recommend that you do not rush into it. Do not move back in with him and pretend like you were the couple of old. Keep living separately until you know for certain that he is a changed man. Let him prove it to you over and over again. If he is as genuine as he says that he is, then let him prove it by being patient until that trust has been established. You are right to be fearful of trusting someone who has hurt you in the past so take it at a snails pace. All the best - Bud 5
No Limit Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 The pessimist in me says that he hasn't got any after you left except for a crazy sidepiece GF. Or perhaps his other GF scrweed him over after you left. Whatever you decide to do, the most important thing right here for you to read: Do not move back in with him and pretend like you were the couple of old. Do not move back in with him and pretend like you were the couple of old. Do not move back in with him and pretend like you were the couple of old. Do not move back in with him and pretend like you were the couple of old. Do not move back in with him and pretend like you were the couple of old. Good luck. 2
harrybrown Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Would he take a lie detector test to answer if he has stopped everything with his "girlfriend"? Seems he wants you back so bad that he should jump at the chance. Take it slow. I do wish you well. 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 What attracts you to him, the part where he lies and cheats or the part where he is a drug addict? You need to back the truck up, do not jump back into the old relationship. Remember he told you he loved you before and then dumped you for someone else. Why do you think it is different this time? Because he promised? He does have a track record of lying. Should you want to explore this relationship I recommend that you go to counseling first and lets find out why it failed before we sweep the past under the rug and pretend everything is rainbows and lollipops. 2
oldshirt Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 Some classic good news/bad news here and with that are some pros and cons that really need to be carefully navigated. Pros - - he's off te drugs ( assuming he's not BSing you). This is huge. The drugs can't be used as an excuse or a free pass for bad behavior but people aren't firing on all cylinders when they are under the influence. If he is 100% sober, then at least he has his baseline personality. If he is fundamentally selfish and a heater, he'll cheat sober too. If he's fundamentally faithful, he may be able to control himself and make rational decisions. - he hasn't spent a year and a half screwing every chick that would have him. If he spent it straightening himself up, he may be a better person. - assuming he's not just BSing you, he is being upfront and open with his objectives. - assuming he's not lying, he's carried a torch for you during this time. CONS - -with your recent dumping, you are vulnerable and may not be thinking clearly. Don't under estimate the dark force of getting dumped and the bruising that the ego can take. People do dumb things in post-dumped states. - his insistence of jumping back into marriage and happily-ever-after may be the things chick-flicks are made of, it's unrealistic and frankly somewhat alarming. A simple, "let's do lunch and get caught up and see where things go.." Would have been adequate but maybe he felt blasting both barrels in a full frontal assault would get your attention better. Maybe he's watched a lot of chick-flicks over the last year and a half. It's obviously worked on getting your mind racing. - he has a history of drug abuse, cheating and living a double life. It's unrealistic to assume he will never get hurt again, never have job issues again and never encounter a willing chick again. Character is revealed during times of challenge and hardship, not during the good and fruitful times. He has shown how he responds to bad events and bad events occur repeatedly throughout our lives. Deep down I am a romantic and a softy. I'd like to see people straighten themselves up and I like happily-ever-after stories. I'd like to see a second chance work. BUT we have to be realistic and responsible. I wouldn't blame you for saying no and walking away. However I know you are not going to do that and I know you are gonna break down and see him again so my plea is do NOT jump back into a relationship with him. Do not discuss future plans. Do not rekindle the "old" flame. Start with lunch or a coffee. Reintroduce yourselves. Make small talk and get to know each other like you would on a first date with a stranger. Don't expect fireworks. Be prepared to cut and run at any moment. If no red flags maybe try a another date. Take it one date at a time like you would some other guy you don't have history with. Hit the "reset" button and start from scratch. 3
me85 Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 Just be sure you're not considering getting back with your ex because you were recently broken up with and feel lonely. Make sure you're not "rebounding" and going back to something simply because it's familiar. 1
jackslife Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I think go with your heart Daisy and give it a go. Old Shirt has been pretty thorough, I'd only add... Do not see it as a continuation of the old relationship, but a new date and the start of a new one. Give him a chance at redemption, but only one chance. I think my only concern would be the unfortunate coincidence of running into him when you've just been dumped. It does make you vulnerable. But your smarter and stronger than you were before. Give it a go, if it fails at least you'll know. 3
Author daisydook Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 Would he take a lie detector test to answer if he has stopped everything with his "girlfriend"? Seems he wants you back so bad that he should jump at the chance. Take it slow. I do wish you well. Hi all, This is why I need your guidance!!! You guys are amazing. All of you! I am ready to hear it all. I think! As far as I know and the world knows, unless he took his relationship underground the day I left him, has not been with her. He could have dated her openly if he wanted to when I left. He didn't. If he was ever with her afterwards, it was a secret, for no reason. She didnt know about me either, so there is a good chance OW took the high road and never spoke to him again anyway. She also knew she could have him, as I made it well aware I was backing out and leaving him. If I were to ask him to take a polygraph for any questions I had, including the one you have stated, he would do it. I have no doubt in my mind he would. I would be asking more than just that!!! I have no doubt he would let me put any stink up when it came to passwords, email, texts, facebook, computer, anything and everything in his phone, and in the house, install GPS in the car and phone. I have no doubt he would willingly hand over everything, including bank account information, even. He would give me what I asked for at this moment, if it meant he would be able to see me. He would show me his records, or have me come to Drs appts with him. I have spoken to his Dr many times about my concerns, although he was unable to discuss my ex's condition with me, his Dr did hear me out a few times. His Dr and lawyers know exactly who I am, and everything in his life has recently been documented because of all of the court cases, so right now would be a good time to ask for copies of all of them if I wanted to find out if he was being truthful about being off the pills. I could ideally get my hands on all these files to ensure no meds are being given to him. He would do a drug test too. If any amphetamines came up in his test, he would be in trouble for lying about it to me. He knows I was not okay with all the drugs, but we were working towards where he is now currently. It just takes time in court, and he had a lot of debt from not working, we were paying a mortgage and he needed to work. He needed pills to be an electrician. Lol. Without his drugs, he could not work. Without him working, or at least bringing in Unemployment Insurance when he got laid off from working previously, we would not be able to afford to live. I was not making much money, and would have been fine if I lived alone in a studio apartment! Lol. I couldnt afford to have him not bringing in money, and although he was addicted to these pills and I hated them, I also understand under the circumstances, he needed them. Now, he does not anymore, and I would be angry to find him still on them, especially after telling me he hasnt been on them. He does seem to want to make it work, and did jump at his only chance in a year and a half. I am more taken back by my own reaction to him. I didnt expect me to feel so weak. I haven't felt weak!!! Lol. I was cheery, happy and sweet to him. I expected I would curse or yell or something... something angry. Not happiness and ****ing rainbows and butterflies. UGH! As for the cheating, and excuses... I couldn't have said it better myself and I actually do advocate exactly what you are! You are right. He chose to. I was going through just as much and would have never considered cheating on him. I struggle here sometimes reading through reconciliation posts of relationships gone wrong, and that is my worry, more than him and me. I see so many women who get cheated on later, or who simply just aren't in love anymore who end up trying to reconcile and fail. I dont want to get back together to fail or be cheated on again. I didnt walk away because of the drugs, but it strained us greatly. He is finally seeing a light with his court cases, the Dr is able to work with him better and not concerned about anything anymore, and he is finally getting treatment, because WSIB has finally lost the court case, and he is entitled to disability and retraining. All the things that were going on when we broke up, are still the things he has pushed through on alone, while I have been gone. He had always talked about finally winning this case and getting treatment to get off the meds He didnt just give up on winning his case or stopping the pills simply because his fiance left him. He knew he needed to get better. It wasnt a matter of using drugs to be hooked on drugs and a junkie. It was a matter of needing them, and then when he didnt need them anymore, figuring out how to stop taking them, while now dealing with an addiction. I dont have any reason to believe he wanted to be on these drugs... but much like anything, you become addicted to something you take daily. I still dont believe his back injury or anything we went through was worth cheating on me for. I was good to him. As for it being an excuse.... **** no! Lol. There is NO excuse. I dealt with my own issues, on top of his and didnt find love elsewhere. So, I will never understand, but more than anything, will I ever forgive? I think more than anything, I just need to blab and vent and chat, so thank you everyone for your posts, and taking time to respond. It means the world to me, as I currently have NO one to talk to. I havent forgiven him for any of it, and haven't even tried to forgive him. I settled on mad and stayed mad. I also didn't expect to see him and speak to him either though. My reaction to him worried me more than anything. Thank you for your help and support. I still haven't spoken to him again. I told him not to call me or anything and to just give me a few days. He has given me space I asked for. He still thinks I am dating my ex and knows nothing of my personal life. I shared very little the other night, even though I was friendly and happy.
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Daisy, you can forgive someone without getting back in a relationship with him. I would say from your reaction to your meeting that you have already done so in your heart. It appears that he has become sober, that is a good thing and worthy of forgiveness. However, he will always have issues with sobriety, even if he doesn't give in to temptation. I think that now is really the time in your life when you should be exploring new horizons. Don't limit yourself, its a brave new world out there.
petee Posted August 27, 2014 Posted August 27, 2014 Daisy, just go for it. Don't just move in though as you need to get to know him, the new him, again. The States overrdo things with polygraphs, drug tests, mumbo jumbo. Simple Brits go on gut feeling. You've got nothing to lose, a bloke that is crazy about you, and a life to live. Go for it, or move up to Nebraska and live in a silo!! Nothing ventured, nothing gained!! 1
mangetout Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 I don't believe in once a cheat always a cheat either. I know of people who have cheated once and not done it again. I also know of couples who have never cheated and then decided to do so 30 years later. Nothing is black and white. What I am saying is go with your gut feeling. You clearly want to but just take it slow. Don't establish yourself as a couple till much later down the road.
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