featherbed Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 (edited) My ex-girlfriend broke up with me almost two months ago. We (I) bickered through texts and emails for a couple weeks. I felt my heart was torn out of my body. I blamed her and denigrated her. I was desperate, and I responded the only way I knew how. I have broken many bones and been involved in many altercations in my time, but I would not wish this pain I had - and still have - on anyone. It's utterly tormenting, and I know - from reading such heartfelt messages on this forum - that many of you can empathize. I subsequently decided to refrain from any further contact ("NC," as I am learning!). During this time, I worked very hard to keep from thinking of all the things she did to hurt me. Rather, I thought of why I hurt her, and why I didn't do or say the things I wanted. The list is long, and I won't bore you. My point is this: no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. This is what makes us human. How we respond to our own mistakes is what helps to shape our identity in this world. I may never speak with her again, but I can finally walk away with dignity, with my head held high after lifting it up so many times over these weeks and months from the darkest of depths. I'm not through it, but I believe life will get better. I have to. We all must do so with our own struggles, or meaning is lost, yes? With that, I will share with you the final email I recently sent to her. My hope is that you garner from this any pearls of wisdom. If not, I'm sorry I wasted your time. I expected no response from her. "Dear X: I'm not even certain that you will read this, so I will keep it short (re-reading it, though, it's not too short - sorry). I've thought about what little you told me back in July. I still do not understand the sudden and 180 degree change. However, we all work in different ways, and you and I certainly approached things differently. The end of our relationship has pushed me to look at my own shortcomings, and I hope to utilise this newly discovered wisdom from now into the future. I had become an individual who was more intent on protecting myself than sharing my positive qualities. I'm certain you can understand why, but this is no excuse. The one who suffered was you, and you stuck through it. For that, I thank you. I know that still waters run deep, and I saw this in you. I only wish you could have trusted enough to confide in me. I mean, truly confide. You mask a tremendous amount of pain underneath the loving person you are. This saddens me. I do hope you find your peace. On multiple occasions I wanted to shake you and say, "what the hell, X, just tell me what troubles you! Let me help you!" I also know that you loved me in the only way you knew how. I, too, did the same at the time....resulting in boxing you out; not accepting when you told me such wonderful things; not reciprocating. I also know our intimate lives together suffered a great deal. I certainly can look to the Prozac I was on as a big contributor. Why did we never talk about it? I really missed that part of our love, and feel like we short-changed each other by shying away from it. Yet, I would cry in front of you when I saw a film that reminded me of my grandfather, or the abuse I experienced, or my high school years. I think that was my mind and body struggling with how much to show you. Please remember that this message is not about blame....that this was not written out of anger, but rather understanding and acceptance. I see that a lot of the anger I had towards you was really anger directed at myself. You were just the unfortunate recipient of that. I think we can say that about many things in life. I was very angry, hurt (devastated is perhaps a better word here), and - most of all - confused on how the situation was handled, and I think those emotions are appropriate. How I directed some of the emotions was a different story. I'm not certain what happened and how it happened so quickly. My friends, family, and therapist all seem to think you had met someone else and just didnt want to hurt my feelings. Honestly, while I am still confused, I have come to the peaceful conclusion that I don't want to know. All this in saying, X, that I am sorry for my transgressions, and I do forgive you of yours. I am profoundly disappointed and hurt that things went as they did. Nonetheless, I wish you all the best in your life. I still think of you often and experience pangs of pain (more than I'd like to admit) when I think of what could have developed. we are, both of us, on our own journeys in life. I was tremendously distraught over the sudden death of Robin Williams. I knew he was a troubled man ever since he first played a serious film role. You could just tell from his eyes, you know? The words poured off his tongue so potently and so sadly at times. Okay...sappy face now... I leave you with this, a poem quoted in one of Robin's films: Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring, Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish, Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?) Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d, Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me, Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined, The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here—that life exists and identity, That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. WW My hope is that - in the end - you will have written one helluva verse! Thank you for sharing a verse in my play. All my love, D" Edited August 22, 2014 by featherbed
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