smilebt Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Last night, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. I have been thinking about leaving for a while, for a number of reasons, last night it happened and I'm a wreck and I don't know why. I've never broken up with someone before - I've always been the one who was dumped. When we met it was instant attraction. He asked to move in with me several months later. Right from the word go, there has always been financial inequality in our relationship. I earned about 80% more in wages than him, so I always felt obliged to pick up the tab financially. He worked full time, but he didn't earn as much as me. I paid about 70% of rent, majority of the bills, and generally fed us. I never brought this up to him though, as I was genuinely content sharing with him. About 1 year in he dumped me. After a short break we reconciled. The break up happened as he said he wasn't as happy living with me as he had hoped. It totally shattered me, something inside of me broke that day, and it has never been repaired. I never felt truly safe with him, I was always waiting for him to walk out the door again. 1 year after that he came to me and told me he fell for another woman, but he didn't want to leave me. Again, I felt my trust in him was further diminishing. He said to me "surely you know that we're not going to work out in the long term". The next day he denied it all and said he was sorry. Stupidly, I let him stay and he assured me that he broke off his feelings for her. He genuinely cared for me on an emotional level. He would cook for me at times, comfort me when I was sad, and try to cheer me up. Truthfully, I was depressed and I felt my relationship with him was a big contributing factor to this. You see, he was a very jealous man. He would go through my mobile phone and check text messages, he would express his jealousy if I would talk to my friends. I felt guilty, so I cut off communication with them. All this while, I was paying the majority of our expenses, and he would sporadically contribute. He was paying a property off in his home country and would spend a lot of money on purchasing this, meanwhile I sacrificed my pay to sustain the majority of our life together. My friends cautioned me, he was using me. They pleaded for me to not get back with him every time we broke up. I've been increasingly unhappy over the past few months, often fantasising about leaving and being with someone else. Pulling myself out of this pit I felt I was stuck in. He would say he loved me, and did show me genuine care, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but feel used slightly. Being dumped twice, him falling for another woman, and me paying the majority of our expenses - while he purchased himself a block of land and a house overseas. I took the courage to break up with him last night, because I wasn't happy. I felt cut off from the rest of the world, like I was living in a perspex box - I could see it passing me by, but I couldn't experience it. The breakup discussion was awful. I sobbed uncontrollably. I didn't want to leave him because he did provide me with emotional support and did genuinely care about me, he told me he loved me, he was my constant companion - but I was inherently unhappy being with him. I felt he was all I had in life. But, I was living an unfulfilled life. I felt trapped. I was a shell of my former self. We both cried together for over an hour. He said he wanted me to be happy, and to find someone who made me happy. Today I'm so confused, intellectually I can look at the situation and know it was an unhappy and isolating situation for me. Life was passing me by. I felt like my better nature was being taken advantage of. On the converse, I miss him dearly - I guess because so much of my life was wrapped up and invested in him, aside from my work my free time was spent with him. I feel I broke up with him for a reason, I was too controlled and had lost my sense of self. However, something inside of me is having trouble letting go, I keep on thinking should I go back to him, why did I have to break up with him. I don't know what is wrong, I'm so lonely now. I'm not happy he is gone. I just want to sit here all day and do nothing. Did I make the right choice? Because right now, I'm having serious doubts, and I suspect that is just because I'm lonely and I want someone to be there, and I do miss him - but in the same token, I couldn't live in that toxic environment any longer. His possessive nature was strangling me, and he was financially sapping the money from my hard earned work. Please help me understand this if you're able to.
Poppyolive Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 You made the right decision. Even if you doubt it now, you will feel better, stronger & wiser. You gave to much of yourself to someone who just took. Come here often, write, spend time with friends, family and yourself.
Andy_K Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Given how often you mentioned the financial arrangements in your post, I'm not sure I buy that you were 'genuinely content' sharing with him. Regardless, he sounds jealous and controlling and as such I believe you've done the right thing by breaking free. It'll take you time to adjust... It's a significant chunk of your recent life so pain is to be expected, but weeks and months down the line you will be grateful you stayed strong and left him
HappyLove Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 HECK YEA YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION! This guy was clearly using you. You need to learn to be on your own for two seconds. Having someone who is playing you for a fool isn't a healthy relationship. At least you got out before he married some chick from his home country leaving you high and dry and looking stupid. He is not the problem now. You got rid of the problem. Your current problem is codependency. Learn to stand on your own. Find your self again. Invest in YOURSELF and YOUR happiness. Bravo to you for finding the courage to move on. Of course it's going to take more than a day to get over him no matter how useless he was. Good for you, you should be proud of yourself. You deserve more than this. Good luck to you! 1
Winterina Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Oh honey, yes you made a perfect choice! As the time goes by you will get better and better. That is how break ups work. It is hard. I remember feeling like dying for 6 month after I broke up with someone. Doubting whether you did the right thing IS a part of breaking up. One day when you are in the arms of someone who is not going to leave you and fall for another woman (but not want to leave you because he is comfortable and financially supported) but is going to focus on you and your needs, then you will not even remember this guy. If you received some support from him it does not mean he was the right one or worth going through depression for. Habit is what you are missing right now, not the person. You are afraid of staying alone or not finding anyone better. That's normal to feel that way, but world is full of better guys, trust me. Head up, eat properly, exercise, focus on your own happiness and guys will come. 2
bathtub-row Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Because you were so isolated and entrenched in that relationship, that's exactly why you're having withdrawal symptoms. Try to be strong because there's a bigger part of yourself that knows that when all the smoke clears, you're going to wonder what you were ever doing with this guy. And, really, I hate to burst your bubble about all the sad, crying emotional stuff but guys like this know how to pour on the emotion when the chips are down; when the the jig is up. It's all a bunch of crap. I'm guessing that he didn't think you had the guts to dump him. Any man that ever said to me that we had no chance of making it would be gone very, very quickly. It's tough breaking up in the best of circumstances. You're used to having someone there all the time and then, poof! the world has changed. It's a very big adjustment. Don't be surprised that in 3 mos or so, he comes calling wanting you back. This timeframe is usually the mark where exes start making their way back to one another for another try. Just get yourself past all his and find a guy that you can admire and trust. They do exist and it's worth the wait. I agree with everyone else here - you absolutely did the right thing. In your heart, I think you know that already.
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