Pushing and Pulling... How to React

[mbee]

I'm 26 and he's 25. I'm new to dating after a LTR and made a few mistakes with this guy (being too open, asking what was going on between us, etc.). We've known each other for 5 months and met on an OLD dating website. We were exclusive for 2 months and he pulled back and needed space. This happened after he opened up to me about his past and such (he was literally shaking and so upset). He also told me in the past month I'm the first person he's ever opened up to and how he's telling me more things than anyone before. Anyway, I didn't give him enough space and he ended it. We got back in contact, and have somehow developed a very close friendship in the past 2 months. The emotional connection between us is just intense, and he tells me everything about his life and loves hearing about mine. We just click together. He seems to deeply care for me and shows almost every sign of a person who has very strong feelings for another person.

 

For the past month or so we've been seeing each other once or twice a week (hanging out together ONE ON ONE for ~8-12 hours) exploring the city, going to new restaurants, parties, musicals, date-like things. Every few days he'd send me a very thoughtful Facebook message or text. He did invite me to join a group with his close friends and was super happy that I finally met them, and told me how amazing they thought I was. About every week we'd talk on the phone for about a couple of hours. There is no sex or anything physical, but we were sexual when we were exclusive. I'd like more, but it'll just get more confusing and he's a bit awkward with physical things (it took us 6 dates to kiss for instance, I had to initiate, and he thought that was going too fast... since with his exes the first kiss took a couple of months!!!). This guy has only had 2 girlfriends (his first girlfriend was at 20) and he seems very inexperienced with women. When we were dating I had to do all the initiating and he seemed clueless about how to proceed.

 

The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago... we had a movie night and he made me dinner. He opened up to me again, but this time about his family and the relationship with his Dad. I felt that uncomfortable vibe from him again, and he explained that opening up made him feel very uncomfortable. So I reassured him, we had a light convo, and he took me home. About 5 days later I text him saying have a safe trip, he responds in an hour, then responds to my next text after 24 hours. He asks if I've been to this Italian restaurant about a block from where I live. I respond, and he hasn't responded at all! It's been a week. I'm very angry about this and don't even know what to say or do. I'm not reaching out to him, but don't want to keep going through this. Also, the impact of this has been harder than usual because we were seeing and talking to each other so often for the past couple of months.

 

If he does reach out (which, he very likely will) how shall I respond? Should I even bother seeing him again? I have such strong feelings for him, but it's not okay for him to just drop off the map and ignore my texts and I'm now worried this will just happen again if I tolerate it. We are both going on holiday soon and if we don't see each other next week, it will be about a month and a half without talking / seeing each other.

Edited August 21, 2014 by mbee

[Poppyolive]

Just a thought, maybe he is seeing another woman where he is getting his sexul needs met? And getting his emotional needs met by you? Maybe he has a few woman in line until he decides?

 

 

This is what it looks like to me. I would remove myself from the equation. Take care of your heart.

[preraph]

He could be having any number of things going on. Some people compartmentalize and can only concentrate on one thing at a time. I'm not recommending you make excuses, only saying wait and see what he has to say for himself when he shows up. He's been unloading a lot of family issues on you, so maybe his family is in crisis or something.

 

Yes, he could have gotten a hot date from OLD or something too, but usually men are very happy keeping two women on the string simultaneously.

 

If he has no excuse, tell him straight up you didn't know whether to be mad or worried and don't agree to let him keep doing that.

[mbee]

Just a thought, maybe he is seeing another woman where he is getting his sexul needs met? And getting his emotional needs met by you? Maybe he has a few woman in line until he decides?

 

 

This is what it looks like to me. I would remove myself from the equation. Take care of your heart.

 

Thank you. Just to clarify, I very much doubt he's seeing me and another woman. A date could have happened, but not seeing other people. The reason I'm very confident on this is somehow we have quite a few mutual friends. We are both very social people and he's also in the habit of telling me EVERYTHING he does. So for instance, last weekend, I know EXACTLY what he did even though I didn't see me. He told me via text, and then tagging on Facebook solidifies the rest. He also works full-time, takes classes, etc. He literally cannot meet up, M-W evening and when we were seeing each other once or twice a week, he always reserved that time for Friday or Saturdays. Also, I do know he's still active on the dating website as well that we met on. I'm not saying it's impossible, but certainly unlikely.

 

I also agree that he's the type who can only focus on one thing at a time. He gets stressed really easy. For instance, in June we could only see each other twice because his schedule got really, really busy (yes, I know 100% sure he was busy, especially since we were both participating in the same group that had these insane schedules). I did have doubts and figured he just wasn't prioritizing me and therefore wasn't interested. However, the instant his schedule got freed up, he was calling, making arrangements to see me and suddenly making me a priority.

 

It could be possible the emotional thing is causing him to focus on that. Also, I know he's going on a trip this weekend with friends, and will be going on holiday in less than 2 weeks so he may be too preoccupied with that.

[Poppyolive]

Are you happy with just bring friends? Would you like more? I wonder why you two were sexual before but nothing at all now?

 

He may just be figuring out what he wants, as he's still online dating etc. So you don't really know what he is doing all the time, I doubt he'd tell you about other dates.

 

I think you need to pull back. Take some control. Especially if you want more, this friendship thing will break your heart if and when a girlfriend appears. Also if you two were exclusive before and he dumped you, has he said why he's back?

 

All things for you to ponder. Its a tricky situation for you, I'm sure. I just don't want you to get hurt, because his behavior is a lil confusing & bizarre.

[mbee]

Are you happy with just bring friends? Would you like more? I wonder why you two were sexual before but nothing at all now?

 

He may just be figuring out what he wants, as he's still online dating etc. So you don't really know what he is doing all the time, I doubt he'd tell you about other dates.

 

I think you need to pull back. Take some control. Especially if you want more, this friendship thing will break your heart if and when a girlfriend appears. Also if you two were exclusive before and he dumped you, has he said why he's back?

 

All things for you to ponder. Its a tricky situation for you, I'm sure. I just don't want you to get hurt, because his behavior is a lil confusing & bizarre.

 

I'm happy with friends, at the moment, but only until he 100% wants to be with me. The issue is, when we dated, I was very keen (not in a crazy way but he was the first guy I genuinely liked in ages) but I realize now, that the 2 months we were together were very intense (24 hour dates, constant lengthy texts, not going more than a day without talking) and full on. He reciprocated but clearly needed way more space than I did and did bring up repeatedly how he was concerned I would make him his life. When he became open about his past, it must have become too much and he ended it. I'm just not going to push it, and will trust that if he wants to make something happen, it will happen.

 

The sexual thing hasn't happened because he is very awkward physically. I'm not exaggerating. We have walked together, many times, shoulder to shoulder, arm to arm, but no hand holding. He has pressed his body against mine in a intimate way but did not push it. We flirt frequently, make sexual banter, he compliments me, etc. Like I said, in the past, I initiated the kissing holding hands and the first moves because he was always shy, nervous or anxious about it. I'm not doing that again, especially given how keen I was on him when we first started dating. I'd rather him come to me fully, since I get the vibe that he's waiting for me to make the move.

 

He has not said why he's back. This has been very confusing. We've talked about "us" and what this is, but he seems to be concerned that we will go back into that intense relationship again, and us having an intense friendship may not have helped that as well.

 

You are right and I have no choice but to pull back. He's been so distant the past 2 weeks, and it's really not fair to me. I'd be okay with it, if he told me upfront he needed some distance, but to just ignore my text is very odd. I also fear that he might get a girlfriend one day down the road, and I don't want to be that person putting my love life on hold because of it.

[Poppyolive]

Are you able/willing to share his past stories that are affecting him now, more importantly with you?

 

I think you're doing the right thing in pulling back. I think when he does contact you, don't jump to reply. Maybe take up a new hobby and put yourself back out there for dating.

 

I'd like to hear out it goes.

 

Best wishes

[mbee]

I've been sorta trying to get out of the friend zone with my guy friend who I've known for 6 months. We did date months back briefly, are now close friends and my feelings still remain. I'm been moving on, meeting new people, going out with other guys, have developed crushes on other people, and so on. I'm mainly giving this guy room to develop feelings for me and pursue me if he likes. To my knowledge he is not dating someone else. Anyway, we mainly hang out one on one for hours, do one on one date-like things (wine tasting, plays, dinners) , harmless flirting, have very personal and deep emotional conversations, he says I'm the person who knows the most about him and who he can truly feel free with, and so on.

 

However, a few things happened recently that I'm not sure how to interpret.

1. We met up and this guy vented about a text I sent to him, saying it seemed passive aggressive. It was really odd since he never vents about me to me, and is a very chilled and laidback person, especially about texting. I wrote him a text where I was a bit distant, but not passive aggressive. My distance in the text was because he sort of invited me to something really last minute. I wasn't rude or mean, just distant. I did go and we had a great time, but I was very confused on why he was so upset about the text in the first place, especially since we had seen each other multiple times since then and had a great time in person. It was just odd since he vented to me about this for 15 minutes, even showed me the texts to read in front of him, basically analyzed the way I wrote the text and seemed genuinely upset. Again, this was after 3 hours of hanging out one on one, having a great time and sharing a dessert together at a nice restaurant.

 

2. For the first time I mentioned very casually that other guys were pursuing me. He responded by saying "awwww okay... ohhh" in this weird cutesy, taunting voice but didn't ask any other questions about it (we are both inquisitive people, and we both actively discuss the love lives of our other mutual friends, so this was odd). I tried to get a tiny bit more specific and he didn't seem visibly uncomfortable but didn't ask me any questions about it, nor comment and pretty much changed the subject. A couple of hours later, I mentioned how a friend thought I was clicking with some guy. Same thing. He didn't ask questions and basically changed the direction of the conversation, but he didn't look uncomfortable.

 

3. We spent quite a bit of time talking about love and children. He wanted to know all about my values on raising children, when I wanted them, asked me questions about certain child-raising tactics, discussed his views on love (he specifically said he wanted love to develop from friendship). It was a conversation I always have with boyfriends.

 

4. There was more touching and some sexual verbal flirting but I got mixed results. The touching was body bumping mainly and leg touching. He commented on how our hug felt more trusting than normal, which was odd for him to say. He mentioned how we kept bumping into each other too. I did try to sexually flirt with him, and we can do sexual banter back and forth, but he's pretty conservative sexually so it was a bit hard to figure out when I'm crossing the lines.

 

Anyway, any thoughts on this? Tips for moving forward or am I exaggerating the meaning of these things? To be honest, I've never been in the friend zone with a guy ever, so this whole thing has been very confusing for me.

[Elle1975]

Once you've been friendzoned, it's hard to get out of it. It usually only leads the way to the friend with benefits type deals.

 

I'd say cut contacts.. be busy, go hand out with other friends. He has to want you, and being his friend, and seeing that you guys have a dating history, that's probably not going to happen if you stick around.

[spiderowl]

Sounds to me as if you are still hanging around hoping this guy will come round. If you are going to back off and date yourself, then do that. See less of him, a lot less. Give him chance to miss you. Be polite and friendly but less forthcoming. Show him that he is a friend not a lover. Don't bother with the flirting, keep your distance. Everything you are doing is saying that you are pretending to be interested in dating others but really want him. He will know this. You don't seem to have any boundaries with him and that's what you would have if he was truly just a friend.

 

I don't know why he got het up about the text as only you know what you said.

 

This guy is not dating you or committed to you yet, so you are wasting your dating time on him. There might be other guys out there who you could have a chance of falling for. You need to decide this guy has had his chance. I know this is easier said and done as we don't choose who we fall in love with, but you are not going to fall in love with anyone else if you are always with him. Give yourself some opportunities to meet others and spend less time with him. If he objects, well it's his problem. He needs to understand he can't expect you to be hanging around for him. If he's genuinely becoming interested in you as a girlfriend, he'll be quick to stake his claim if you make it clear you are nowhere near as available.

[OwMyEyeball]

Have you considered the possibility that he does not find you sexually attractive?

 

The only other possibility I see is a huge sexual restraint formed by acute trauma or conditioned into him during upbringing. In other words, he's very uncomfortable about sex, hence does not pursue it.

 

Does he have a reliable history (i.e. verified by real people who know him) of sexual partners?

[Wisecrack]

It's a very long long journey and by the end of it most of the time you'll have moved onto better things. The thing you have to do is change significantly - growth in yourself almost to someone that they cannot recognise - someone new. I can only talk from experience but to date I've:

 

-Redefined my life: hitting the gym hard, losing any excess weight and building that body you see models have or ripped guys etc.

-Focus on yourself and hygeiene i.e. make sure you're always looking good, get medication if you have skin problems etc, maybe a change of hair color that you've always wanted to do but did not

-Focus on yourself i.e. expand your social circle by joining a club, chasing new hobbies

-Cut of ALL contact with said guy friend. There is a reason no contact is needed. You have to make them realise how important in you are in their life but also give you time to work on you and then re-evaluate if you still want them.

 

Now I started this to to be honest, to prove to her the catch she will miss out on but slowly, I've changed that mindset, I don't want her anymore (does not mean if she came by I wouldn't open my door) and that is the most important thing.

[Mister Zen]

Stop being a friend.

 

The friend zone is a choice. People end up there because they are too chicken to make moves or leave the relationship.