bubbaganoosh Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 My ex wife cheated on me and the marriage ended. I was plenty pissed about it and she knew. My daughter who was 7 at this time was in a school program and asked me to be there. I went and sat in the third row so she can see me. Sitting next to me was my ex and her mother. My daughter saw her mom and dad and even though we didn't live together any longer she saw her parents there and this is why. My ex and I had an agreement that ANY problems we had, we dealt with it out of ear shot of our daughter. We didn't want our child to be put in a situation where she had to chooses sides. It's wrong and not fair to the kid. All in all, it's up to the parents to be the adult and do the adult thing. Sometimes though you have the one who wants to be a a** hole about it and IMO, it will come back at them at a later time and bite them in the ass. 3
Shocked Suzie Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 This is how it should be done ^^^^ although in the very raw early days may not be possible. My daughter has a graduation formal coming up, I've said to her to ask her dad too. Without boring you with my ex's behaviours over the past 18 months (and this has nothing to do with his affair) I feel inside he doesn't deserve this... But this decision is my daughters not mine. I'd be happy to do this for the kids sake SS x
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 I would have no problem at all sitting near ex during school events for the sake of the kids. I'd also have no problem verbally communicating with her in person. However, the judge has ordered all communication be written (because of her history of domestic violence and the high conflict). She has informed me that she would be carrying a voice recorder and that I wasn't to speak to her ever--so that option is off the table. Kind of makes it hard to explain to my sons' teachers why there is zero communication between their parents.
Shocked Suzie Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I would have no problem at all sitting near ex during school events for the sake of the kids. I'd also have no problem verbally communicating with her in person. However, the judge has ordered all communication be written (because of her history of domestic violence and the high conflict). She has informed me that she would be carrying a voice recorder and that I wasn't to speak to her ever--so that option is off the table. Kind of makes it hard to explain to my sons' teachers why there is zero communication between their parents. Omg!! What a nightmare ... I actually count myself as lucky regarding my ex being out of my life...just feel for my kids. I'm also lucky my kids are old enough to sort out seeing him themselves. Yes not always cut n dry hey! With out doubt then communiate with the school and arrange your own thing. Don't worry just be you... Your kids will soon work your ex out!
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 Omg!! What a nightmare ... I actually count myself as lucky regarding my ex being out of my life...just feel for my kids. I'm also lucky my kids are old enough to sort out seeing him themselves. Yes not always cut n dry hey! With out doubt then communiate with the school and arrange your own thing. Don't worry just be you... Your kids will soon work your ex out! I know my sons will eventually figure their mom out. Unfortunately their childhood will be over by that time. I don't exactly want to rush that.
Shocked Suzie Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I know my sons will eventually figure their mom out. Unfortunately their childhood will be over by that time. I don't exactly want to rush that. Just make the most of every moment you have with them... That's what I do, make things as normal as possible and let them know I'm always there for them SS x 1
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 (edited) Here's the latest: Ex just emailed me saying she will call the police if I ever "physically pick them up" (meaning hug them) at any school function which falls on her time. She's not even talking about me picking them up and leaving. She literally means hugging them. I believe my ex is losing her mind. Edited August 23, 2014 by M30USA
lollipopspot Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 Look, by judge's order, you two aren't even allowed to speak to each other in public. You chose an unfortunate woman to be your kids' mother, and you had a high conflict divorce. All you can do now is be the best dad you can, don't rile your ex further, and move on with it. Some kids don't have any parent who cares to be at their events. If they have alternating parents attending events, that's not so bad.
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 All you can do now is be the best dad you can, don't rile your ex further, and move on with it. I didn't realize hugging my sons at a school event was "riling" my ex. You make it sound like I'm the problem. Please.
lollipopspot Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 You aren't even allowed to talk to your ex in public. I think you should stay away when she's going to be there - you had a terrible, terrible break up and there's clearly a lot of animosity. Witnessing conflict is going to harm your kids more than you not showing up to this event. Because of the order, she can't tell YOU that they need to be somewhere. All she can do is tell the kids that they need to go, thereby tearing them away from the dad who is asking for time with them/a hug. It's asking for problems when you show up like that, given your history. I'm not saying it doesn't suck. I'm just saying that it will be better to not have this contact and conflict.
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 You aren't even allowed to talk to your ex in public. I think you should stay away when she's going to be there - you had a terrible, terrible break up and there's clearly a lot of animosity. Witnessing conflict is going to harm your kids more than you not showing up to this event. Because of the order, she can't tell YOU that they need to be somewhere. All she can do is tell the kids that they need to go, thereby tearing them away from the dad who is asking for time with them/a hug. It's asking for problems when you show up like that, given your history. I'm not saying it doesn't suck. I'm just saying that it will be better to not have this contact and conflict. Sorry. I'm going to my childrens' school events. You sound like you encourage parental alienation. No offense but I do not respect your opinion. Best wishes.
lollipopspot Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 No, I don't encourage parental alienation, but I'm a realist when it comes to this kind of conflict. I think you can only expect more of the same if you keep trying to interact with your kids on your wife's time and in her presence. Maybe in the future things will be different, but right now it's only ramping up the conflict. Your breakup was very, very bad, and she doesn't want to see you. It sounds as though the police are going to be called next time you go to an event like that and ask your kids to come over to you. That sounds bad for the kids. But whatever you do, good luck 1
bentleychic Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I didn't realize the court order and domestic history violence before responding. I still maintain that how she is handling things is not right, but there are two sides to every story and it sounds like we don't know the entire story. Good luck maintaining a good relationship with your kids.
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 I didn't realize the court order and domestic history violence before responding. I still maintain that how she is handling things is not right, but there are two sides to every story and it sounds like we don't know the entire story. Good luck maintaining a good relationship with your kids. Here's the other half of the story: I was assaulted with a wooden board. She was arrested. Additionally, I was falsely accused of child abuse when she wanted to get full custody. 3 judges and 2 CPS workers all concluded there was no abuse and I was granted joint custody. Need more info? Also, there was no affair on my part either, FYI. The judge ordered all written communication so as to have written evidence to make sense out of all the accusations she makes against me and to reduce the chance of physical violence (on her part). I didn't get primary custody because I have zero family in this area and I travel long distances to work. She has millions of family members in her town, including her parents who pretty much take over her role as caregiver for the kids 75% of the time and always cover for her misbehavior.
bentleychic Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 Sounds like she definitely should not have gotten primary custody. Has she ever abused the kids or only assaulted you? It sucks ass, but you still have to follow the judges orders, unfortunately.
lollipopspot Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 Here's the thing - it doesn't matter at this point who did what in the relationship. It was obviously a crappy marriage and a crappy breakup and it's very unfortunate that kids are involved. But you are where you are, and it's highly volatile. I'm only saying that it will indeed fuel the fire if you continue to show up at a time when she is present, has custody, and you try to interact with the kids. I mean, just know that going into it, whether or not you think it's "right," your actions are ramping it up. I hope that you see this only so that your situation doesn't get worse.
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 Sounds like she definitely should not have gotten primary custody. Has she ever abused the kids or only assaulted you? It sucks ass, but you still have to follow the judges orders, unfortunately. She's only assaulted me as far as I know. My lawyer tried to convince the judge that, with me being gone, ex might use the children now to take out her anger. Obviously he didnt buy it--especially with all her family members taking the stand all describing themselves as "super nice" (exact quote). State law here says that a parent can lose custody if they've committed domestic violence even when not against the children. Obviously this only applies to men, I guess. But in the end she got primary because of her family.
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 My two boys (K3 and 1st) had their open house today. I asked their mom 5 days prior if she was taking them so that I could have them for just a few minutes to also meet the teachers AFTER her. I figured its important for teachers to associate parents and child faces together. She refused to inform me if she was going or when my boys would be there even after I sent a second email. Turns out I arrived there (a 2 hour drive mind you) and she was there with my boys. I basically had to meet the teachers just by myself without my boys. Plus, on her way out, I asked my boys for a quick hug and as they were walking towards me she says, "Come on boys, we have to go." My second smaller son also came to hug me and she said the same thing again: "Let's go, it's time to go." I understand its technically her possession time mid-week but I wasn't even asking for dinner with them. Just a hug. Plus she previously blew off my request for a meager 30 min to meet the teachers. This is just a few weeks after I let her have my sons for 2 hours right after their tball game this summer with me. Guess I should never expect a returned favor. My question is this: Is my ex being ridiculous? Will my sons figure out what she is doing? What effect will this have on their emotional well being? Reading this made me feel sick inside and also sad for your children. Your ex HAS to put the kids feelings and needs above her own. Basically, your ex needs to SUCK IT UP and be courteous to you and allow you a few minutes to hug and kiss your kids. She is in a frame of mind of HER time with them and won't allow you access to them until it's your time with them. How awful and she should be ashamed. As for school stuff and anything to do with your children, you have every right to be there and involved. You should have been able to be in the same room, talking to the teachers. She's being a b(tch actually and trying to put you in your place. She calls the shots, not you.
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 (edited) Here's the thing - it doesn't matter at this point who did what in the relationship. It was obviously a crappy marriage and a crappy breakup and it's very unfortunate that kids are involved. But you are where you are, and it's highly volatile. I'm only saying that it will indeed fuel the fire if you continue to show up at a time when she is present, has custody, and you try to interact with the kids. I mean, just know that going into it, whether or not you think it's "right," your actions are ramping it up. I hope that you see this only so that your situation doesn't get worse. I know exactly what you're saying. I just disagree with it. Basically what you're saying is to give in to the taunting of a bully so that the peace is kept. I will argue that this is WORSE for my children. The very reason I didn't reconcile with her was because I didn't want my sons to see their father henpecked, abused, and bossed around. At least they see me show up at all their events and they can say, "There is my dad. I'm important enough to him that he comes to all my events. Even with mom making it difficult." That is FAR better than a father avoiding his child events. Edited August 23, 2014 by M30USA 3
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