maomao Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 [color=darkred][/color] am i being over sensitive>? i have been going out with my new boyfriend for 3months, we clicked instantly and by the 2nd month we went away together on holliday. we had a great time. but however perfect things are, i have to question something. if your partner is capable of seeing your imperfections from the first day you meet and criticises you from time to time, is he then really in the falling in love stage? he makes jokes as he likes to put it, by saying things like "you only seem intelligent because you use long words" and when people mention that our relationship seems far healthier than his previous one (5yrs ago, first love knowone but me of significance until this day) he becomes really defensive. the main problem is, i dont feel all that great about myself when i am with him. but i cant help but think that maybe him making comments is a good thing and its pushing me. i dont know, am i being silly?
GirlDown Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 life is too short to waste time with someone who makes you feel less than good about yourself. nuff said.
Linlin Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Seriously, if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself and puts you down, get rid of him. IMO it only gets worse.
Author maomao Posted March 1, 2005 Author Posted March 1, 2005 the trouble is, although he criticises me, i have a terrible feeling that its a good thing as it pushes me, but i resent the fact that he is able to see my imperfections so early on. does that make sense?
quankanne Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 i cant help but think that maybe him making comments is a good thing and its pushing me YET, the main problem is, i don't feel all that great about myself when i am with him I think you're trying to convince yourself that his intentions are good, but deep down you realize that he really isn't being very kind. a good rule of thumb is that a healthy/good relationship helps the people involved build up self-esteem because kindness and consideration are bedrock. Making snippy remarks really has no place in that kind of relationship, because, frankly, there is no room for that. it's one thing to gently -- or maybe not so gently -- point out that a person's actions are inconsiderate, rude, reflects badly on them, etc, as you try to help that person better their behavior (or at least how others see them), but to say things like what you've mentioned is another. The difference is in the intent behind those words, so when someone makes you feel bad about yourself, it sends up a red flag in my mind. maybe it's time to take him aside and talk with him, let him know that when he says these kinds of things to you, you feel it is rude and ungenerous, and that there's no place for it in your relationship. If he doesn't agree, show him the door. No sense in wasting a good deal of your time or sanity trying to be something another person wants you to be when you're perfectly fine as yourself.
Linlin Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Pushes you or trying to change you. If he doesn't care for you for who you are...then take it from my experience he is not worth it. He will only become more controlling and make you feel more poorly about yourself.
d'Arthez Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Everybody has imperfections. True. But: you can be reminded, if it comes up naturally, you are not perfect, without being put down. I found this example you wrote in your original post very telling: "you only seem intelligent because you use long words" What does this message actually say? That you're not intelligent, and hiding that by using long words; so it SEEMS that you are intelligent, but he says you AREN'T. Dealbreaker, and I would advice for you to break up with him. The reason he got defensive about his past relationships can be that he put his previous gf through the same deal.
Author maomao Posted March 1, 2005 Author Posted March 1, 2005 i am really struggiling to believe that his intentions are bad, a week ago, i was feeling a little in need of TLC, when i didnt get it frm him and felt i needed some space, i left abruptly making my excuses. he called and called whilst i ignored his repeated attempts to get in touch. i then realised after falling asleep that he was still outside my house 4 hours later sitting in his car. i had woken up feeling fine and went downstairs to talk to him, he aplogised and said that he was learning that he had to think before he speaks, in case it offends me. my worry is that he is scared of loosing me as i am the first girlfriend he has had in a long time and he thinks he wont get another for a while. so in fear he is making an effort to make me happy. but as much as he sounds insensitive, i sound insecure. i just dont know which it is.
d'Arthez Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 I know it is hard to believe that possibility. Added: But it is not about his intentions, but the result of his actions. He might have the best intentions in the world, but if you feel uncomfortable because of his actions, he is making you feel uncomfortable. End of Addition: But his excuse for his bad relationship behavior is not valid. He may not have been in a relationship for some time, but most relationships skills don't require a bf or gf. Is there anyway you can talk with his ex about their relationship? i left abruptly making my excuses. he called and called whilst i ignored his repeated attempts to get in touch. i then realised after falling asleep that he was still outside my house 4 hours later sitting in his car. Another not to good sign. I can understand that he might be afraid something happened to you as you got home. But to stay 4 hours outside in a parked car, knowing that you were home? No! The instant about your intelligence struck me. Probably you are reasonably well of in that department, to say the least. my worry is that he is scared of loosing me as i am the first girlfriend he has had in a long time and he thinks he wont get another for a while. so in fear he is making an effort to make me happy. but as much as he sounds insensitive, i sound insecure. i just dont know which it is. Has he actually expressed that he thinks he won't get another for a while?
Author maomao Posted March 1, 2005 Author Posted March 1, 2005 he hasent said that he fears not finding another relationship. but ofcourse im reading in between the lines. another factor maybe that i have just turned 20 and he is 6yrs my senior. the reason he has said that his last relationship ended was because of jealousy. his girlfriend had got into the police and he had not. which i think upset him. he has said many a time that he used to be a very envious person and that as he has got older the more understanding and mature he has become. i wonder if his cutting comments about my intelligence are out of jealousy. and the rest is my insecurities playing up. when i have been assertive if not critical after a comment he has made, he has cried and then we have talked in depth. the starnge thing is that often when i am around him it feels great its just those damn comments!
JoL Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Jealousy? He couldnt be happy for his girlfriend? Hmm..sorry but this guy sounds really caught up in his own ego. Putting you down, and being jealous enough of his girlfriend that they end a relationship over it..that to me says INSECURITY ISSUES...BIG time.
d'Arthez Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 The reason the comment struck me, because it was comment I have seen (and read) the reasoning, and the way of wording such statements is often used by emotional abusive men. His crying behavior when you are asserting yourself is also an emotional blackmail tactic. And why were you asserting yourself? Because he put you down.
Author maomao Posted March 1, 2005 Author Posted March 1, 2005 thank you all for your advice. the next time he is critical, i will take him to the side and explain that its not reasonable in a relationship to be criticised over the little or the large things all the time. if he feels that i am being over sensitive, then we will have to discuss his previous relationship failiure in order for it to hit home that he maybe repeating the same mistakes again. if he cries at this point i will ask this time, why he is crying and explain that all he is doing is reacting instantly to my words where as i usually walk away and let it simmer. so if we could both just be kinder to eachother and cut the critical crap out as it hurts both of us.? OK i sound like a head mistress and a bitch and the conversation will never go like this, but i get the jist. thank you again.
d'Arthez Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 That's a good plan. I hope you can follow through with it. You are not bitching. You are asserting yourself. But the moment he becomes critical in a way to put you down, be immediately assertive of it, when it happens. Don't let any man or woman mess with you. It strikes me, that he wanted to enter the police force, but the moments you asserted yourself, he started to cry.
GirlDown Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 i think he sounds unstable and should be avoided...
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