Iris17 Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Hi I broke up with my ex and we are thinking of getting back together but I'm not too sure. I still love him and care for him but he has shown an angry fit toward me twice and twice towards his flatmates. I feel bad for leaving him and not try to help him and fix his problem together but I have read some more info about anger issue and learnt that it can escalate and when you are married and have children it can get worse. Now that I'm out of the relationship very early because I saw some red flags, maybe I should stay out and save myself but at the same time he is wonderful, funny, my friends like him, he has great friends which shows he has healthy relationship with people. He is also very serious about us. He is very caring and will go out of his way to help everyone. But in the house (I lived with him for a year with 2 other flatmates) and he has shown temper to me once by smashing the home phone against the table and swearing and shouting while I just froze, and was like what the hell has got into him. I almost left the house that night. Then I told him I wont put up with this crappy attitude and he apologised shortly afterwards and co could see he was genuinely sorry. With the flatmate once he got mad at her keep leaving the heating on and one day she left it on again and he told her about it and she felt bad and wanted to clear the air and apologised many times but he didn't wanna talk about it until tomorrow cos he was watching a film. She insisted on talking it out and then he started swearing at her like get the F*** out! I don't F***ing wanna talk about it! leave before I do something worse! ..or something along that line..me and flatmate were shocked, he was like a different person that moment which I never saw before, His sister also once mentioned that all her brothers have bad temper but when they are together I saw that they got on nicely. He also has a controlling streak which to me is a huge red flag because we both smoke and he knew I smoke before we dated. We were friends for a few years and 2-3 weeks after we were committed he asked me to quit smoking but he wants to continue to smoke himself. I argued to him about this and said it is hypocritical etcetera and he said this is his opinion and still demands me to stop smoking. His reason is he never liked gf that smokes. I was shocked and thought this is controlling. Talking about controlling, he does not control me with other things, he lets me go out whenever I want with whoever I want which is great. My question is should I get back with this wonderful guy who has anger issue and a controlling streak. Or should I give it another try and see how it goes. I'm just worry that he will start to control me with other things and read that relationship with with people with anger issue can only get worse and worse. I am so torn.
Lingo1 Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Well my ex dumped me because of something like this she said i had anger issues but i resloved, and fixed my issue now i mean do u believe he changed its really how u feel nobody can feel how u feel for him
Author Iris17 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 I would stay if if he only had anger issue but I feel like there are more problems. Seriously, the smoking thing I will never agree that he is right. I know smoking is bad and I plan to quit myself but not when he tells me to. If I get back with him I will have to bring this up. I just feel like,gosh is it worth dealing with all of this?
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 You shouldn't feel bad for leaving if the anger and controlling were why you broke up with him. Regardless of how you feel YOU can not change anyone. Change is something that comes from within, and it takes time for such things to be repaired even when the desire for it is there. If you are still having doubts, I'd suggest not doing it. Give it time, while you may love him, you broke up for a reason, and that reason will continue to exist unless you've already seen a dramatic shift in personality.
Author Iris17 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 You shouldn't feel bad for leaving if the anger and controlling were why you broke up with him. Regardless of how you feel YOU can not change anyone. Change is something that comes from within, and it takes time for such things to be repaired even when the desire for it is there. If you are still having doubts, I'd suggest not doing it. Give it time, while you may love him, you broke up for a reason, and that reason will continue to exist unless you've already seen a dramatic shift in personality. How can I see the shift, we are not in contact.
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Hi I broke up with my ex and we are thinking of getting back together but I'm not too sure If you're not in contact how are you thinking of getting back together?
me85 Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Not unless he is actively doing things to control his anger, such as counseling. Or anger management.
Author Iris17 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 If you're not in contact how are you thinking of getting back together? He wanted to meet for coffe one day after NC and asked to get back and I said no. I said no eventhough I was unsure because I just didn't want to keep him hanging. Then after the coffee with continue the NC Maybe he won't get back with me by now but I'm pretty sure he would
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Okay, I understand now. Ultimately I suppose the decision is yours to make, and no amount of advice is really going to make it clear. Anger is a pretty big deal, emotional and physical abuse can happen and in fact does happen frequently when it's involved.
Author Iris17 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 To be honest, that evening when he had the phone fit. My gut was strongly telling me, this is no good, not now...not ever. I can't explain in words how different he was but when he apologised it all changed. I forgave him. If he didn't I would have left ages ago and not look back.
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 The essence of love is forgiveness, but you should also listen to your gut. It's rarely ever wrong. Just because you are capable of that forgiveness is not an excuse to stay with someone. I think you already know your answer, you just need to accept it.
Author Iris17 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 Thanks Requim, maybe I need more time. I have made up my mind to not go back already. But some days like today..I think of good sides of him. Then I think how cold of me to just leave someone who I lived and started building life with to deal with his problem on his own. Then again when I think of how he ordered me to quit smoking and being a sexist hypocrite I just thought...No I can't go back. Sorry I sound very confusing...guess it is because I am
bathtub-row Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 I didn't even have to finish reading your entire post. To answer your question about if you should get back together with him, I can help you with that: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!! I can't emphasize this emphatic 'No!' enough. Doubting yourself and believing there's something wrong with you because you don't want to stick around for the madness that this man will eventually dish out is exactly how women get sucked into these types of relationships. Love this man from a distance and shake him like a life-threatening habit. Because that's exactly what he is. He will destroy you to your soul before you ever know what happened. When I dated my now ex, I had his number within one week. He went into a rage over someone who pulled out in front of him while driving. Right then, I knew I should walk away. But, I told myself that I'd just keep the relationship non-serious, etc. I thought about how good-hearted he was; how deep down, he was a good guy. Right. He once shouted at someone over the phone. When the conversation was over, I said, "I hope you never plan to unleash that kind of anger on me, ever." He managed to look incredibly humble and shocked that he would ever inflict any kind of harm on me. Fast forward about 2 yrs. He goes into a rage over how I slice the butter, goes into a rage because I didn't tell him something that was truly insignificant, goes into a complete and utter frenzy because I moved an item of his so that it wouldn't get damaged while a lot of people were around. This guy is testing you. It's like slowly boiling a frog. The water is warm at first and the frog just sits there. Pretty soon, the frog is dead and he never figured out when he started boiling alive. This man will boil you alive. He wants to see if you're sane enough to leave him at this stage. He knows what he is. He just wants to see how long he can trick you. Women have very good instincts. Your instincts are telling you not to go down this path. Don't be one more tragic story. That love you think you have for him will someday turn into all-out hatred and you'll find yourself hoping that he'll get hit by a bus, or you'll be thinking of ways to poison his coffee and not get caught. Please, do not become another statistic. Do not let your kindness get you into a horrible situation. Stay away from the "drama kings" and find a man who has control over himself. A man who makes you feel safe, opposed to a man who makes you feel scared.
bathtub-row Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 (edited) To be honest, that evening when he had the phone fit. My gut was strongly telling me, this is no good, not now...not ever. I can't explain in words how different he was but when he apologised it all changed. I forgave him. If he didn't I would have left ages ago and not look back. These guys are GREAT at remorse and apologies. I'm here to tell you that they all work from the same script and they all deserve Oscars. Do not believe any of his crap, his kind, soft words. Nothing. These men are experts at conning people. If you get back with him, you'll find yourself on this board a year from now with people asking how you could be crazy enough to stay with this guy. You'll be like someone else said here - "I don't even know who I am anymore." You might even have a child with him and then will be tied to him year after miserable year. I thank my lucky stars every day that I never had kids with my ex. I walked away and I never have to look at him again. Look, here's the deal, I think that any time you start talking about someone needing therapy early into a relationship, it's time to take a hard look at what you're about to get into. Not to say this is always a bad thing, but the majority of time, it is. With my ex, I knew that even 10 hard years of therapy would hardly make a dent. These control freak, double standard, rageful people with the emotional IQ of a pansy are NOT relationship material. Period. Edited August 22, 2014 by bathtub-row
Author Iris17 Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 but he's hawt and charming and fun. amazing that so many girls fall for for this. he charms girlfriend and then one day when he doesn't get what he wants he screams at her and beats the crap out of her or rapes her. even more amazing the girl frequently comes back for more. I listen to what others posts says but this one is extreme i think. My BF is not that hottie charming sleazy type. He is average looking guy who is nice. He has issue but he is not a psychopath
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 just the same. average and nice yet has this extreme temper ain't average or nice. charming enough that he shows violent tendencies yet you can't forget him. he'll beat up or rape some girlfriend. his behavior is textbook narcissist. too bad girls will fall for this this crap. even when their gut tells them danger they don't walk away, everything if dandy for months, then he beats the crap out of her or rapes her. Not every person that suffers from an anger management issue is an automatic rapist, or abuser. It's true that a lot of them are yes, but you can't clump together the whole. I will again say that her gut feeling is spot on, because it is rarely ever wrong, but it's ultimately her decision. We can only give the advice for what we ourselves have experienced. My father had an anger issue, and it turned into a physical and mental abuse over the years. OP, I really think you should trust in yourself and what your feeling. I think it's time to let this go, and find someone whom you don't have an innate feeling with. You can and will find someone better, there are many men out there that do not have these issues. We are all flawed and damaged and we all come with baggage into a relationship, know what your willing to accept and what your not. It's your self respect and confidence that ultimately will dictate whom you let into your life. 1
Author Iris17 Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 These guys are GREAT at remorse and apologies. I'm here to tell you that they all work from the same script and they all deserve Oscars. Do not believe any of his crap, his kind, soft words. Nothing. These men are experts at conning people. If you get back with him, you'll find yourself on this board a year from now with people asking how you could be crazy enough to stay with this guy. You'll be like someone else said here - "I don't even know who I am anymore." You might even have a child with him and then will be tied to him year after miserable year. I thank my lucky stars every day that I never had kids with my ex. I walked away and I never have to look at him again. Look, here's the deal, I think that any time you start talking about someone needing therapy early into a relationship, it's time to take a hard look at what you're about to get into. Not to say this is always a bad thing, but the majority of time, it is. With my ex, I knew that even 10 hard years of therapy would hardly make a dent. These control freak, double standard, rageful people with the emotional IQ of a pansy are NOT relationship material. Period. He also admitted that he has anger issue after we broke up. Not sure if this makes any difference. However i did not discuss about him going into therapy because i did not think about it then and also not sure if it will make me wanna go back even if he decided to get therapy. He said his family and friends know he has anger issue (im not sure if his friends really know that) but im sure his family must know if the sister says that all her brothers have bad temper.
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