heyitsmike Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Hello all, me and my ex girlfriend dated for 15 months before she broke up with me at the end of June. Since then we've been back and forth for over a month, and she's come back to me multiple times. At first, school and her work was too much for her to be able to physically handle and provide in a relationship, and then a month later when we tried to take things slow and make it work, she developed an unrelated depression (family money issues, impending death in family, overwhelming course load, not loving herself, etc) We love each other a lot and our relationship was great. I care about her a lot and I prioritize her happiness before my own selfish needs (which would to be with her) this led to me to utilize the only move I had left: tell her to take time to work on herself and to learn to love herself again. If you love someone let them go, right? If it’s meant to be they’ll come back. So once again we ended things on calm and loving terms. We both said how we might be able to see us working on things again in the future, (but for me that hope can only go so far and carry so much meaning). I also told her the ball is in her court permanently now, meaning if she can work on becoming happy again, keep seeing a therapist, and get a handle on her school work, that she has to be the one to reach out to me (if I'm available), because this is all about her. This conversation was only about 3 days ago. So here's what’s going on in my head... I think it might be a case of paranoia, but in my mind I think about how long we might be apart for, and all that time is going to make her more comfortable with not having me in her life. Also... she texts me about every other day just to make conversation and ask how I am and what’s going on in my life. When I get these texts I often hesitate on responding to her and contemplate choosing the right words to reply with because I’m not sure if I should be reciprocating her contact at all. Most people say to completely cut off communication, but we ended things in such a very positive way, that I wouldn’t want to jeopardize any chance for the future with cutting her off. However it is very taxing to think of how long this could possibly go on for with us being apart. --------- I know we're broken up, and yes there naturally is still some jealousy/emotion involved when I know she’s out hanging at a party or something (worrying about other guys pursuing her), but my confusion stems from how to handle the whole post-break up communication thing, with a "now" ex-girlfriend whom I ended things positively with. Her depression is the main reason we are apart now, and in my opinion making her jealous via social media, and maybe doing nice things for her to make her happy could go along way in me getting her back. What do you guys think what’s a good plan of attack and some advice I could use?
Zahara Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 tell her to take time to work on herself and to learn to love herself again. If you love someone let them go, right? If it’s meant to be they’ll come back. So once again we ended things on calm and loving terms. Most people say to completely cut off communication, but we ended things in such a very positive way, that I wouldn’t want to jeopardize any chance for the future with cutting her off. However it is very taxing to think of how long this could possibly go on for with us being apart. You're contradicting your words. You said you were letting her go but if it's meant to be, she will make her way back to you. Then you say you want to remain in contact because you are afraid to jeopardize any chance for a future with her. If you are going to let her go so that she can better herself and be a more healthy and present person, then let her go. An ending is an ending. Treat it as such. And that means no contact. You don't use each other as crutches. You won't be jeopardizing anything if you tell her that during her time of self-reflection and healing, she needs to be on her own while you focus on yourself as well. And if things change with her at some point in time, you will be there for her, as you said, if it's meant to be, she will come back to you.
ThorntonMelon Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 What do you guys think what’s a good plan of attack and some advice I could use? You are very codependent on her. Which is understandable, it's why a lot of us are here. I see very little in your message about you, what you want, what you need. She seems to have a lot of excuses why she can't be with you. You seem to lap them up like droplets of water in the desert. If she's so depressed and busy she can't date, then why is she at these parties and all this stuff? Not saying she has to join a convent, but you seem to think she really wants to be with you but life isn't allowing it. Life seems to be allowing her time for other stuff, just not commitment with you. I am really sorry to say this, truly, but you're getting played. When you find out the real reason she's hot and cold with you, you're going to be pretty pissed off. I would bet everything in my pocket her "depression" isn't why you're not together. But, you left the ball in her court, which means she has control and can check in on you and keep you on a leash. I don't for the life of me understand why you're so focused on calm, loving, positive terms. She did dump you, correct? You are in love with her, and she decided your relationship was not a priority. Correct? What's happening is she does want you in her life, just without strings. You want...a girlfriend, which is reasonable. Either one of you is unhappy, or both of you will be. The only consistency is that with this girl - you will be unhappy. You need to make it clear that you cannot be part of her life unless she is committed to you, and if the time comes that she wants that, if your relationship status allows for it, you would talk about it. Past that there is nothing else to discuss. You need to stand up for yourself. I think you'll read this in a year and not recognize the author of the OP. 1
CaliBabe Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 I think you are handling this in a very mature way, however I do honestly think the continued communication will hinder her growth and won't really allow her/or you to break free from the relationship. I think a few months (2-3) can go by and see how you both feel. Revisit and see where she is and more importantly where you are in your feelings. Let her find herself, it would be the most selfless thing you can do and in the same token take care of yourselves. If time passes and you both are better people how great would that be? But to not let time pass and keep someone around for your own selfish reason or in fear that she might not want you after some time, would you really want a relationship like that anyways? 1
hockeydan Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 In my opinion there is no hard and fast rule for the amount of time to reconnect with an ex. I have seen anywhere from a few weeks to months to years before re-connection occurs and a successful relationship is formed once again. The idea that if they love you they will come back doesn't have an expiration date. That is why we can't wait around on someone, because who knows when they will want to reconnect or if they come back at all. My brother and his girlfriend were broken up 9 months before she realized her mistake and came back. They are now happily married and just had a child a few weeks ago. There are other examples of people getting back together years down the road after both have had multiple relationships and many life experiences. Don't wait around, you never know how long or if you will get back together. We only live once, so don't waste it preparing your life for her to be in it. If it's meant to be, it will be, and if its not, you will not have wasted your time waiting around for someone who is not worthy of you.
Author heyitsmike Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 So how would you guys handle a situation if she texted me asking, "how are you," or if she sends me a late night "I miss you" text? Should I just start ignoring her, or what? What would you do and how specifically would you do it. In terms of being co-dependent yeah I guess there is some part of me realizing that now because we were both a big part of our lives and the break up is still sort of new, but for me it has a lot to do with losing someone who in my eyes was my dream girl, and that tends to make me put her up on a pedestal. In terms of being played, yes I sometimes feel like that might even be the case too. The feeling that supports this is because I truly don’t know what she’s doing up at her place right now, there's no real way of knowing. There was always just this trust backed up by words of encouragement while we were together, but now that we're not together the trust is obviously gone and she technically has every right to do whatever she wants, which is what causes paranoia with me, and the fact that she has a lot of friends who are guys and who might now potentially see her as a prize. I will say though she is not the type of person to really just "give herself" up to anyone, or exhibits any "slutty" behavior. She’s a good girl but I just worry that with alcohol and depression mixed in there it doesn't help, you know? She’s single now and it breaks my heart that this girl I care so much about, and who I know loves me cant be with me right now. I go through all the feelings of anger, sadness and just overall confusion. I need to get in the right mindset, I just don't know how. Any advice?
Ordinaryday Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 So how would you guys handle a situation if she texted me asking, "how are you," or if she sends me a late night "I miss you" text? Should I just start ignoring her, or what? What would you do and how specifically would you do it. you can respond back once with "I have no interest in being just friends with you. please dont contact me unless it is about us getting back together" and then ignore everything she sends you after that unless it is about reconciling.
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 For myself personally I don't believe I would send a text that had any mention of "Respond on only if you want to get back together" I think if you truly want to get back with an ex, it needs to be broached from their end. I'd suggest not even responding. These could simply be breadcrumbs to keep you on the hook, so she can reel you in at anytime. NC isn't designed for getting back with an ex, it's only an added benefit *possibly, but I wouldn't say that* since the silent treatment drives people absolutely nuts. By sending that statement of contact when you want to try to work things out, it to me comes off as needy, and desperate. A false sense of hope that your still lingering on. The power is directly in her hands after that.
Author heyitsmike Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 the thing about the no contact rule that makes me hesitant is that she is going through a "depression" and i told her I'd be there for her, and ignoring her i feel could send the wrong message maybe? but if i did implement the no contact rule and ignored any texts i get from her, and she eventually sends me one saying why are you ignoring me, how would you handle that? also the thing that's really annoying me now is when i see shes out having fun with friends or at a party or something, i constantly fear guys hitting on her or even worse, getting with her. how do i change my mindset not to worry about my own paranoia like that?
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 the thing about the no contact rule that makes me hesitant is that she is going through a "depression" and i told her I'd be there for her, and ignoring her i feel could send the wrong message maybe? but if i did implement the no contact rule and ignored any texts i get from her, and she eventually sends me one saying why are you ignoring me, how would you handle that? also the thing that's really annoying me now is when i see shes out having fun with friends or at a party or something, i constantly fear guys hitting on her or even worse, getting with her. how do i change my mindset not to worry about my own paranoia like that? First off, I suppose my next question is do you still want to be with her? Your post stated that you've been off and on for a while. Do you foresee that this relationship will ever evolve into something better if this is the way it is now? Can you really rely on the hope of that and simply put your life, wants, and desires on hold? If she were to respond with why are you ignoring me, you can be honest, but also you need to be straightforward. "I need to get my head right because I still have feelings for you, and I need to work on me right now". Then let it go. As for the paranoia that's always going to be there, because you care about her, and you want her in your life. You'll have doubts, you'll have fears, but you also have to come to the realization that you deserve happiness as well. Do you really want to put your life on hold while she lives hers and has fun doing it?
Recommended Posts