bathtub-row Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Yeah, plus he now has a company vehicle he drives when he gets to work and is out and about in that all day & I never have access to that truck. Should have thought of that sooner. I try to trust but that's a lot of the reason I came here is maybe I'm being too trusting & I need to hear from other people what they think or if they've been there what happened? I think it's a waste of time to focus on him and whatever he's doing. The point is, he's not doing it with you, right? Game over.
Author confused34 Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 Yep! Plus, whatever is done is done. There's so many more issues besides that where it just needs to be done & over. 1
bathtub-row Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 (edited) Yes, you are right. That's where I have failed so many times. That & not following through. I threaten all the time I'm going to leave & this is it & then I never go. From this day forward, please do yourself a favor and never, ever threaten anything that you don't intend follow thru with. Before you make the threat, ask yourself honestly if you're willing to go through with it. If not, find the area that you are willing to follow thru with and say that. I used to have a friend who constantly made idle threats to her daughter. The kid was completely out of control. Even to this day as an adult, she's a mess. People consistently underestimate how important it is to kids to have strong, decisive parents. So, please remember that if you and your husband divorce, don't treat your kids like they're invalids and like they need to spoiled. What they need is for you to be decisive and strong, and for you to have high expectations of them. If you use divorce as a crutch, so will they. You'll be amazed at how much pride and strength your strength will give them. Even if your husband is a lousy dad, at least your kids will have one strong parent. That's all it takes, really. You don't have to worry about what he does or doesn't do. When my son was young, the same friend I mentioned above would ask me why my son didn't badger me about buying him things in the store. I told her it was because when I told him no, he knew I meant it. If he was acting badly in a store, he knew if I said we would leave the store, I meant it. This same theory applies to making promises. Very rarely do promises ever get made by me but, when they are made, I stick to them like glue. Both of these things -- setting boundaries and sticking to them, along with making promises, are reflections on you as a person. And once broken, they're very hard to fix. A good example of this is when I got back with my ex. My son was very unhappy about it. So, I told him that if his stepdad started treating him badly again, I would leave him. That was all my son needed to hear because he knew I meant what I said. And, not surprisingly, my now ex went right back to being his jerky self and I left him. It is absolutely detrimental to your own strength and credibility as a person to say things you don't mean. It also makes children feel insecure because they can't trust you. Anyway, sorry for the lecture but this is a hot button for me. I know how damaging it is and I hope you'll work on this because it will make your life so much easier. I think, in your mind, you associate strength with meanness. It doesn't have to be that way. Edited August 22, 2014 by bathtub-row 1
Author confused34 Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 Thank you! I do intend to not say a word until everything us planned & I'm ready to make my move. With my kids I'm totally different. They know, no means no, they know my boundaries & I am pretty structured with them. I don't have a problem there, but it's just with my Husband. They have chore charts & they known if they don't complete them, they don't get their reward at the end of the week. The ice cream truck drove by a couple of weeks ago & all the neighborhood kids were getting ice cream & my kids had friends over & we were sitting outside playing & they looked up at me, & I said did you do your chores this week? And my son said, no ice cream today! They get daily rewards for good behavior & doing chores, but if they don't do them or have so many episodes of bad behavior, they lose the bigger reward at the end of the week. I stick to my guns! Now if I can just do that with him!!!!
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 Being gay is a side issue?? Comparable to playing video games?? Well, from this girl's perspective, it's a total showstopper. Huh??? Never compared being gay to video games, what I said is that she has a husband that's ignoring her and refusing to participate in their marriage. Why he doss so matters not, that he's doing so counts for everything... Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 But he had confided in me that he had been with men in the past & consideered himself bisexual. You need to divorce him and be great co parents to your children together. It isn't fair for him to live a lie for the sake of your kids. He isn't sexually attracted to you anymore, he prefers men. He may love you a lot and feel attached to you but sexually and romantically he isn't into you. It's not fair to you or to him to continue living this way. You want a husband who adores you, touches you and is sexually into you, right? Can you imagine your life in 10 years? 20 years from now, kids out of the house and it's just you and him? what then? Time to go talk to him and tell him how you feel. Do family counseling together so you can learn to co parent well and make sure your kids adjust to this change.
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