I snooped through his bank and credit card statements and now I'm SO heart-broken....

[miso]

yeah, i kind of said what alphamale just said, but being a woman i was longer winded about it.

take his advice.

[Mz. Pixie]

HCG-

 

I was recently in your situation and I thought I'd tell you how I handled it.

 

For some reason with my BF, I'm scared. Could be that I've been out of the dating scene for 15 years etc. I've NEVER felt like this about anyone, even STBXH so that's another source of fear.

 

Anyway, I have a key to his house and some nights he works and I go over there and wait on him to get home, just so we can have a few hours together and sleep together. He'd been having all this drama with his ex gf and I was pissy about it. She owes him alot of money and at this point he was still being kinda nice to her to try and get it and it riled me up. I had asked him earlier in the day if she had called him. He said, "No, she hasn't called me" Well, to me that sounded funny for some reason. That night I'm at his house and I'm surfing the net and his messenger is up. I look over at it and something said to take a look at it. So, I looked up into the archives! I know I shouldn't have done it but I did. I saw that he had talked to her on IM that day- she had im'd him. I guess he was trying to keep me from being upset.

 

We had a major blowout. I was upset about the im- and there were some other im's on there from before we met or right after our first date before we were exclusive I wished I would have never seen! He was upset that I snooped through his stuff. He was scared I was going to call things off. He spent over an hour telling me how he felt about me and reassuring me that he'd never lied (she didn't call he said you asked me if she called) he'd never cheated, he'd never even called another girl since he started seeing me exclusively. He explained how in love with me he was and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I was the ONE. He said, "If you give me one chance you will never have to give me another one" He has held true to his word.

 

You have some issues and you need to discuss them with him. You've

got to come clean to him with the way you feel or it's going to eat you up or destroy the relationship. My bf wasn't happy about what I had done but in the end he still wanted me. That's a chance you're going to have to take. Tell him you're sorry- that you will never do it again- but let him know why you did it in the first place- your LDR- the whole thing with the Super Bowl, etc.

 

As a side note- I've been going through a living nightmare because of my divorce and I haven't had the luxury of missing a week of work- you need to get a grip sweetie. I would hate to think how fast I would be unemployed if I missed a week of work everytime something didn't go right for me at home.

[prncssfce9]

OK Hun,

I'm sure at this point you are becoming a little overwhemled at the sheer volume of attention your situation is bringing .... but try and be resonable here!!!

 

Does he have the kind of job that would require Business meals? Where he would potentially have to take a client out to dinner to discuss a deal with him??

 

If so THAT is most likely what the nice restuarant charges are, b/c if it is a client ... he would HAVE to pick up the tab. A lot of times his job would reimburse him too. Just chill out.

 

The reason he is probably not as affectioante with you is b/c you're probably being a spaz! That is making him crazy and you're probably gonna end up driving him away if you don't cool it!

 

I've never understood jelousy in relationships. If you are happy with him, let it be and stop obsessing about nothing ... if you are not happy and you looking for a reason to justify that unhappiness go right ahead being crazy.

 

I truly do not think is lying to you, and I don't think he is cheating on you. I think he may just be growing increasingly frustrated with YOUR lack of trust in him, which is apparent wheter you talk to him about it or not!! This could drive him to cheat if you are not careful.

 

So again .... STOP BREATH and RELAX!

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

The thought of confessing the truth ver crossed your mind? Tell him about your insecurities, talk to him about how you feel and about your relationship, ask him not only about the receipt but about yourself. If he's happy. If it's what he desires.

 

I mean just grab the bull by its horns and face the music. It's the safest way to get peace of mind and may be he'll appreciate your being honest.

 

In Puppy-Dogs-And-Ice-Cream Land that may work, but it doesn't work in the real world. Believe me, liars won't confess out of guilt or out of you being honest with them. A lot of times they won't even confess when presented with hard evidence. They'll deny, deny, deny until they have ABSOLUTELY no other option.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by tanbark813

In Puppy-Dogs-And-Ice-Cream Land that may work, but it doesn't work in the real world. Believe me, liars won't confess out of guilt or out of you being honest with them. A lot of times they won't even confess when presented with hard evidence. They'll deny, deny, deny until they have ABSOLUTELY no other option.

 

Damn straight. And even then, some will take the denial to their grave. My ex still claims she never cheated on me despite me catching her having phone sex with him.

[HotCaliGirl]

So many good points...cuz i hate reality wrote: "What you hve created is a patern of trying to chatch him lying about where he is going and doing" - You know, that's so true. I am doubting almost everything that comes out of his mind and then trying to find evidence for it...what a mess.

 

Proto wrote: "Have you ever thought about telling your man that you went through his stuff" -I'm scared to, I think mostly because a) he'll get mad and b) I won't know how to handle it, as far as backing it up with what type of questions to ask and being strong. I think I will fall apart and make things worse so in that context, just the telling part is the easy thing but the aftermath is the complicated part of it, without figuring it out it is not wise to just spill things out like that. It almost guarantees a failed relationship.

 

geebz wrote: "Try not to think about it even though it is very hard (i know)." - That's what I'm trying to do right now, otherwise it is making me more crazy, until I figure out what to do about it....

 

CurlyIam wrote: "The thought of confessing the truth ver crossed your mind?" - see my comments to Proto.

 

alphamale wrote: "why don't you just ask him if you two are exclusive?" - It is assumed that we are. If he says yes, then I am going to feel one more lie if I haven't found out the truth yet. First I have to sort out whether my suspicions are correct or not before taking it to the next level.

[HotCaliGirl]

miso wrote: "i would cool right off myself, back right away dont call him etc" - That's what I would want to do, but he gets very upset when I do things like that so it's not an option, especially when I don't know how to bring up the things that are bothering me.

 

Mz Pixie wrote: "Tell him you're sorry- that you will never do it again" - You know, I didn't think about this but it's like a monster has been unleashed...what if I DO do it again? I am praying that the feelings I am experiencing will really go away for good...I am glad your situation worked out so well and you got a lot of reassurances of his loyalty to you. I thnk I have a fear if I don't get the same results, especially if I may be all wrong and he may be suspecting that I'm acting jealous and it's already bugging him. He's been asking if I'm ok, and I keep saying yes when I'm not and that has been very frustrating for him. (maybe I want him to read my mind??)

 

prncssfce9 wrote: "I truly do not think is lying to you, and I don't think he is cheating on you. I think he may just be growing increasingly frustrated with YOUR lack of trust in him, which is apparent wheter you talk to him about it or not!!" - You may be right. I have to put this all behind me and will make a big effort to do so right away... You also wrote: "Does he have the kind of job that would require Business meals?...he would HAVE to pick up the tab. A lot of times his job would reimburse him too." - Wouldn't he tell me though? In the past he's traveled to different countries for work, and during those times I would wonder if he was in reality just going on a trip with someone else, I wasn't able to say those fears to him, would get upset and end up fighting over minor things and he would get very impatient, which is why we (he) broke it off after I moved, then I had to convince him that I had changed for us to get back together, now the whole jealousy/trust issues are haunting me again...And again I've missed work yesterday and now today

[Mz. Pixie]

HCG-

 

Okay- here's the thing- YOU are making yourself miserable by doing this to yourself. Sure, you want to know and not be played, I understand that but.........

 

Once you hash this issue out it should fix any insecurities that you may have so you hopefully will not feel the need to do this ever again.

 

I think you're actually afraid that you may be right and that confronting him will bring about the end of the relationship. If that happens, then he wasn't good enough for you to begin with.

 

You have doubts and that's why you snooped. Same reason betrayed spouses snoop. I'm not saying that you are right to do it or that I was right to do it. I'm not saying I would never do it again if I felt that my bf was lying to me. But I will definitely TRY my hardest to not do it again.

 

This is the same guy with the condom deal right? You need to talk to him. You cannot keep avoiding this and missing work- you need to get in the real world honey. You can't keep sticking your head in the sand and you can't keep missing work over something like this. It's not responsible. Perhaps you need some IC to deal with some of these insecurities??

[alphamale]

Originally posted by HotCaliGirl

alphamale wrote: "why don't you just ask him if you two are exclusive?" - It is assumed that we are.

 

 

ASSUME = MAKE AN ASS OUTTA U & ME

[prncssfce9]

In anwser to your question .... "wouldn't he have told me" in referance to possible business dinners. NO!!!! He wouldn't have told you .. because he doesn't have to, and quite frankly it is none of your business! IT is his job, and I'm sure if this spastic about "charges on his card" you would lose your grip if you found out his client was female!! He probably knows you well enough to know that you would freak out about his business dinners, and in all likelyhood not believe him that they are in fact business meals. You would likely think he is lying to you about the "business dinner" and you'd be convinced that it was a date. That would make him insane .... so why would he tell you .... he doesn't need the stress!!!!!!!

 

I think you need therapy ... far beyond what this little web site can offer!! You seem to have deep rooted trust issues, and intimacy problems. You are .... in my opinion and I'm sorry if this upsets you, but you are extremley selfish and imature. If you are not ready to trust this man in a relationship then you don't need to be IN a relationship.

 

I also think you are being incredibly unfair to him by going around the internet telling people that he might be cheating you.

 

I've said it before I will say it again .... RELAX!!! STOP OBSESSING ABOUT NOTHING AND BE A GROWN UP ABOUT IT!!

 

And missing work 2 days in a row over "boyfriend problems" seriously therapy!!!!

[HotCaliGirl]

prncssfce9, I do not have trust issues or intimacy problems! I am just very hurt and confused and AM getting help, which is from this website. You don't necessarily have to go to a therapist when you can get help from dozens of people instead of just one person behind a desk.

 

Your posts are so insensitive. I don't think you've ever experienced what I am experiencing and do not know how hurtful it is, so maybe you can tone it down a little bit please. How am I being unfair to him by posting about this issue? By getting help, it will benefit him so that I am not so upset and feeling the way that I am. It's not like I'm giving any names...ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[hugznkisses21]

HotCaligirl,

 

I dont agree with that last poster. I think what u are doing by coming here is good. It allows you to get some perspective on things from outsiders, maybe even people who have been in the same boat as you. I have found sometimes and issue i have if i come here firsta nd talk abotu it and realize its isnt that big of an issue at all i saved what wouls have been a stressful argument with my of over it cause i may have inocently overthought it. But with posting here it does mean u take the good with the bad...u may not agree with everyone but oh well right?!

 

But i didnt reaf your entire situation but i do feel u arent hurting anyone by posting and I dont think your bf has to or would tell you about his wearabouts 24/7 but I do think if you asked him maybe he would tell you and be honest. You have to be careful with trust and honesty in realtionships. I myself have become secure in this area and you have to understand sometimes the accusing itself can ruin a trusting faithful realtionship that you thought was dishonest. Give him the benefit of the doubt...and if in doubt talk to him....dont accuse him just talk to him about what your wondering and you are worried about getting hurt and stuff and he should be honest with you

[prncssfce9]

stargne how you were so thankful for the "good points" I was making up until now?? I was resonable and for a while thought that maybe you had reason to feel this way. But the more you talk about it the you come across as overly critical.

 

And for the record, I have been in situations like this before ... several time actually. I was actually cheated on bu an ex-boyfriend three time, with three of my best friends. After that I developed trust issues ... that I have since gotten over. I see myself in your behavior ... which is why I may seem calous to you. It is frustrating though to watch you torture yourself over NOTHING.

 

If he was cheating you ... you would know it, it would be FAR beyond what you are feeling now. You ARE over reacting, and YOU most likely DO have trust issues. You said yourself that you had these SAME problems with him before you broke up the first time. You need to relax. For some reason you are unable to trust him and it doesn't seem that he has done anything to make you feel that way. His acting funny with you ... like I said ... id probably becasue he doesn't like not being trusted!!

[Dino]

Slightly off-topic, but...

 

Originally posted by cuz I hate reality

I go through my boyfriends things all the time(we live togethjer) I open his mail and tell him what came in. At first he hated that I did this but now he is use to it and excepts it from me. ( he can not open mine though!!!!) Sorry to each there own

 

Why is it ok for you to go through his things, but he can't look at yours? Do you have something to hide? Afraid of what he might find? Don't be a hypocrite. If you want your things to stay private, show him the same courtesy.

 

My girlfriend goes through some of my things too, although she does it when I'm there. It honestly doesn't bother me, as I have nothing to hide. However, many times if I ask to look at something of hers she'll say no. The point of me asking isn't to actually go through her things, as I wouldn't do that anyway, I respect her privacy. The point is just to see if I would be able to, and many times I'm not. I've had previous girlfriends act the same way, so maybe it's just a female thing, but that's not an excuse.

 

This kind of thing really steams me. You should have no right to go through your SO's things unless you are willing to give him the same freedom.

[HotCaliGirl]

Dino Wrote: Don't be a hypocrite. If you want your things to stay private, show him the same courtesy.

I don't think she's being a hypocrite. This isn't about beliefs, but about what makes someone feel comfortable. If he were to say no to her, she would respect his wishes, just like he does hers...

 

But you may be right that it is a female thing - I like to go through others mail, etc. but make sure mine is kept out of sight...

[Dino]

Originally posted by HotCaliGirl

I don't think she's being a hypocrite. This isn't about beliefs, but about what makes someone feel comfortable. If he were to say no to her, she would respect his wishes, just like he does hers...

 

I understand your point, but unfortunately that doesn't seem to be what happened. She specifically said that her boyfriend hated that she looked through his things. Obviously he didn't want her to, but she did anyway. That in itself is bad enough, but the fact that she then says that he is not permitted to do the same is unacceptable.

 

My point is, if she does not want her boyfriend to look through some of her things, that fact alone immediately nullifies her right to look through his. Whether he cares or not really has no relevance.

[Love2share]

It sounds like you have discovered something new about your man that he hasn't voluntarily shared with you. So you feel like crap for going through his things. But you also want to know if he's been lying to you and perhaps cheating on you.

 

A previous poster mentioned that the most difficult part about getting information is deciding what to do with it. I agree with that totally. Before you snoop further to discover the truth on your own, you really need to make sure that you are prepared to handle the truth, just in case it turns out bad.

 

If this man is treating you well, gives you a fair amount of attention (considering it's an LDR), and hasn't given you a reason, beyond your snooping through his things, not to trust him; you should leave well enough alone. NEVER snoop on anyone just for the hell of it, because you will always find things that make you more suspicious.

 

The most important thing for you now is to COMMUNICATE with your man. You don't have to tell him that you went through his personal stuff. But you already know where he was on those nights. Just ask him, again, to recall his whereabouts for those times. If he lies about it, try probing for more information, because he may have forgotten about it. If he still lies, then you should tell him a line like: "I'm just wondering because a friend of mine saw you having dinner at (name of place)." Or you may be bold enough to just tell him what you did.

 

Regardless, the fact that he would lie about it proves that it was not beneficial to your relationship. But you must ask the right questoins. Clearly, you have some serious trust issues. I am the same way, especially with men. But I'm learning that communication is the key to difficult situations.