I snooped through his bank and credit card statements and now I'm SO heart-broken....

[HotCaliGirl]

While my boyfriend had stepped out of the house this past Saturday, I kind of went through his bank and credit card statements, which were lying around...

 

I saw that on some nights that we don't spend together, he has charges up to over $68 at various restaurants! I am so heart-broken, I don't know what to do. I can't tell him about it because then it's like I was being nosy. Tonight we won't be together and I can't help but wonder what he will be doing.

 

I feel like I will go out of my mind. Should I just try to forget about it? I can't handle it... What if he is seeing someone else? He has not been too sexual with me lately and that was hurtful enough, and now this... Everything else is going ok, he cares for me, makes me happy etc. except for the occassional lies and my suspicions that he may be cheating. Do I ignore it until I have solid evidence or just take everything at face value like he tells me so I don't seem like a jealous crazed gf??

[brashgal]

He could be stepping out with male friends, his sister, cousin, mother.....I think you may be jumping to conclusions...

[HotCaliGirl]

Thanks brashgal - I really needed to hear something like that. I'll try to find out from him if he goes out with a group of friends, how they split the bill and stuff like that to see if it makes sense...

[Hund1976]

Well just from that I wouldn't say you have enough evidence to convict him of cheating. Has he done anything else to arouse your suspicions?

[Hund1976]

I'll try to find out from him if he goes out with a group of friends, how they split the bill and stuff like that to see if it makes sense...

How are you going to do that? He'll probably get mad if you tell him you were snooping through his stuff.

[Naive]

If I were you I would ask him about it. I dont know how much trust you two have, but I feel free to look at my bf's bills without him thinking I am snooping. We are just comfortable like that.

 

Anyway, you already looked through them so just ask him what is going on.

[brashgal]

Does he get airline miles or some other rebate for his credit card usage? That might explain it, his friends may be giving him the cash when he puts the meals on his card.

 

I'm hoping that there is an innocent explanation for what you found. I don't think I would do any more investigating if I were you - if something unseemly is going on it will reveal itself to you soon enough.

[GirlDown]

i think an important question to ask you would be this-- does he lie to you about where he is?

 

does he say he's just sitting at home on the nights you're not together?

 

if he does, maybe he does have something to hide, but other than that, you may be jumping to conclusions.

 

if my boyfriend looked at my statements, he would see charges at restaurants too, some for a lot of money at times, when he is not with me. that's because my best friend is usually broke--and her name is brooke, so no need for him to be concerned there. but it's usually at lunch, when he is at work, so he wouldn't even know i went if i didn't tell him. it still doesn't mean i am hiding anything, sometimes it just slips my mind. lunch with my friend isn't a huge event that sticks out in my mind since it happens so often.

 

but i wouldn't tell him, yeah i'll be home all day, and sneak out and go with her just to hide it...

 

whether he is honest with you or not is the issue...

 

so is he? does he say he goes out or does he pretend he's doing nothing? does he call you during these times to check in and make it seem like he's not out? it would be weird for him not to mention these things at certain times...

 

good luck.

[Beth]

I don't know what may have caused you to be suspicious about his fidelity before this, but just finding restaurant receipts seems innocent enough.

[HotCaliGirl]

Girldown wrote:

does he say he's just sitting at home on the nights you're not together?

We're not together Monday, Tue and Thurs nights - on those nights he calls either just before he goes to bed at 11pm or sometimes earlier and we talk for over an hour, and sometimes he says he was too tired to call and fell asleep, which for the past few weeks in a row has been on Monday nights, which was the night I found the biggest dinner charge for...

 

As I went through the statements, my hands started shaking and my heart was beating because I didn't want it to mean anything bad, based on the restaurant charges, which were the only items that stood out. He tells me he was home on those nights, or else had dinner with one of his friends, which I assume they would each pay for their own meal.

 

Beth wrote:

I don't know what may have caused you to be suspicious about his fidelity before this

I originally posted on this site a few weeks ago because on Super Bowl Sunday, which we had planned to watch together, he said he had to go to work at 2pm, the game was to start at 3pm, he never goes in to work on weekends, then several hours later I was getting anxious waiting for him so I left and went home, leaving him a note. The whole time he had not called and I started thinking he was maybe not at work. Ever since then, I am feeling strange like maybe there is something I just don't know about.

 

Since we've never had a problem with fidelity, I don't want to question him on my suspicions if I am wrong. It would change things between each other. And Hund1976 is right that he might get mad if he knew I was going through his stuff...(I dug deep to find them!) Ever since SuperBowl, I have been jumping to conclusions and reading into things and now snooping

[d'Arthez]

Sorry, I am just new at following your story HotCaliGirl.

 

We're not together Monday, Tue and Thurs nights.

 

Why is that? And how long has it been that way?

[prncssfce9]

I think that you may be making too mcuh of all this. If the tow of you are not together on Monday nights, it is very likely that he goes out with his friends on those nights. ... in case you're wondering about the big bills ... Mondays are usually good nights at bars ... good specials .... they do this for Monday night Football and it usually carries over if popular.

 

Look to see where he is going, that may help. But truthfully ... if you were suspious enough to look there is more going on then you are leading on. You may need to just express your concerns to him. If you are feelings this insecure there is a reason and that should be your focus ... not where he is buying his dinner!

[HotCaliGirl]

Hi d'Arthez...I used to live next door to him, we started dating 2 years after I lived there, it lasted for a year, then I moved away a year and a half ago at which time we stopped seeing each other and during which time I was miserable without him, then a couple of months ago, we "reunited" and everything has been so great like a dream come true, except for these issues I've brought up. I live 60 miles away, so I drive up to see him Wed. nights and Fri-Mon.

 

Up until SuperBowl, that's worked fine, but now I'm consumed when I don't see him, as to what he's up to and if there is someone else. It is driving me crazy. After he got back home Sat. (he went to get his hair cut), I was in a little bad mood (after having done the snooping) and it was bugging him, then Sunday I wasn't so chirpy and this morning left on a not so bright note, and all day he didn't email me for the first time, until I finally did late in the afternoon, at which time he replied that he was not having a good day at work and left it at that, whereas usually we email back and forth so I am now concerned that my behavior is making him distant.

 

He hates it when I don't communicate what's bothering me to him, but I think it'll be worse if he knew what was just in case I'm wrong, and if God forbid I'm right about all this that there's someone else, I don't think I could handle it and just want to know how I can stop thinking about it before it eats me up and ends up ruining the relationship anyways...

[HotCaliGirl]

prncssfce9 wrote:

in case you're wondering about the big bills ... Mondays are usually good nights at bars ... good specials .... they do this for Monday night Football

What a good point because some of the billings were at a restaurant that has tvs and a bar too...ok, I am feeling better, it could in fact just be with the guys and those bills are not too unreasonable. The one that bugs me the most is for a nicer restaurant that had the $68 tab.

 

Maybe I should forget about it - could've been a special occasion for a friend or something...ok, that's better... what a relief, you guys are great. I was planning on not answering the phone when he calls tonight but I think I can get over it.

[tanbark813]

If there's a pattern to the charges, say the same restaurant every Monday, you could always just show up there on your own and see who he's there with.

[HotCaliGirl]

OOHHHH that is a good idea...I can have a friend go to check out the scene...hmmm. I'm so scared if something heart-breaking will turn out. That is so so sneaky, what is happening to me?!

[d'Arthez]

Meanwhile I have read the first post you put up about the whole Superbowl thing. He walked out on SB 2 pm, because he received a call to work overtime.

 

I would agree with prncssfce9, if he had not lied about where he was and how he spent the time. It still can be that he went out to the restaurants as she suggested though.

 

As long as you don't express your worry to your bf, you can follow tanbark813's suggestion. Otherwise you will have to communicate with him sometimes about your concerns and fears. If it is not because you want to, it is because you have to. This is not a healthy way to be in a relationship, especially considering the fact that you are now 2 months together again, after having been broken up for close to 18 months.

[HotCaliGirl]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post d'Arthez! Ok, I think I have to just chill out and clear my head. I was used to living next door so I would see when he came/went etc. and now that for the first time while we're dating I live away, everything is making me think that he may be cheating. I still don't know if I am right or wrong, but I can't handle feeling this way.

 

I missed work for more than a whole week after Superbowl because I felt sick that he may have lied to me. Now that sick feeling came back when I looked at the statements but I have to let it go and not think of all these things...Thanks everyone.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by HotCaliGirl

I missed work for more than a whole week after Superbowl because I felt sick that he may have lied to me. Now that sick feeling came back when I looked at the statements but I have to let it go and not think of all these things...Thanks everyone.

 

You have to think of these things. I know it is not what you want to hear.

If he is doing something, you'd rather know sooner, than later. Then you'd know you are wasting your time with him.

If he is not doing something, you'd rather know sooner, than later. Then you'd know you were worried for nothing.

 

You snooped and found a lot of receipts. Go with tanbark813's suggestion, and find out who the possible company can be he has.

[cuz I hate reality]

Thats the problem wiht going through other peoles thing's. Now you have ot decide what to do with the information that you have in hand.

What are you going ot do about his, admit that you went through his things?

Lie all the time and say nothing is worng when he says that he will not cll or had fallen asleep?

 

What you did was so wrong, Why did you lok into his stuff and if you do not trust him then why be with him. Love? well that consists of many differnet factors but as far as I know Trst and Comunication is a large part of that.

 

This is coming from a girl that is in her 30's that has done many things wrong in relationships and have I learnd not to repete these things!!!!

 

NUmber 1 Leave his things alone look at what it has done to you????

 

I feel for you yet you brought it on, I am sorry for saying that.

What you hve created is a patern of trying to chatch him lying about where he is going and doing, I feel honey i is not good

 

Talk to him tell him that you have done wrong and by your wrong doing you feel that he is doing wrong to the relatinship and that you expect a explaintion for this, If he can not give that to you then you have another choice, live with it or end it,

 

No one here can tell you what to do, all we can do is tell you what WE THINK AND YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE ONE THAT YOU FEEL !!!

 

I go through my boyfriends things all the time(we live togethjer) I open his mail and tell him what came in. At first he hated that I did this but now he is use to it and excepts it from me. ( he can not open mine though!!!!) Sorry to each there own

 

Anyways the best thing to do is tell him how it happened no matter how scared you are tell him, let him know, he will then trust you more for your honesty. (if he is mad well expect that too) then ask why he said he was sleeping. he then will understand why this is hapening. If he is out with buddy's then cool I ma glad that ther was no lie's

 

I wish you luck and pls never snoop again really until you are ready for it and ready for the truth then forget doing it, It is not worth your time to be thinking that much about the unknown....

 

Signed been ther done it and doing it again cuz I hate reality

[Proto]

So you dig through his personal stuff, then assume that he's cheating based on EXTREMELY POOR AND CIRCUMSTANTIAL evidence, and YOU should be worried?? Have you ever thought about telling your man that you went through his stuff as well as thinking about you you you?

[geebz]

I've been in your shoes and it's not fun. I've had the sick feelings and the whole though in your head will eat you up. Since I've been through it I have often looked back on what I did and what it did. For one, I wish I never saw the stuff, but it was a joint cell phone bill and frequent calls stick out.

Try to stay away from his personal stuff just for your own well being. There's nothing but speculation. I think you should be upfront. Maybe ask him how his monday night was.. But don't ask how the $68 night was a restaurant x. See how he replies.. Read him, you should be able to tell when he is lieing, especially if he has in the past. It's definitely going to take you some time to get over this. It's going to take time for you to rebuild trust. Like someone has previously said. Let it ride. It will become very clear to you later. The situation will expose itself. I wouldn't advise sending a friend out to the restaurant or you going personally. Try not to think about it even though it is very hard (i know). If you don't it could be very detrimental to your relationship. my .02

[CurlyIam]

The thought of confessing the truth ver crossed your mind? Tell him about your insecurities, talk to him about how you feel and about your relationship, ask him not only about the receipt but about yourself. If he's happy. If it's what he desires.

 

 

I mean just grab the bull by its horns and face the music. It's the safest way to get peace of mind and may be he'll appreciate your being honest.

 

Just a thought. (The shortes way between 2 points it's the straight line.)

 

Curly

[alphamale]

Originally posted by HotCaliGirl

OOHHHH that is a good idea...I can have a friend go to check out the scene...hmmm. I'm so scared if something heart-breaking will turn out. That is so so sneaky, what is happening to me?!

 

if u did the above, HOTCALIGURL, you would dig the hole deeper and eventually it will be so DEEP you won' t be able to get out.

 

why don't you just ask him if you two are exclusive? you don't need to bring up what u saw.

 

and stop snooping, it only leads to trouble. i did this a few times myself in the past and found stuff I should not have.

[miso]

you have already begun with the snooping tactic so you may aswell carry on all the way. if you start confessing to snooping etc at this early stage in the relationship he may think you are a heavy deal. you should do as tanbark suggested and get a spy on him if the evidence is still inconclusive then i think as somebody else said, just ask him about his monday nights, if he seems cagey and you still think he is twotiming you then i would cool right off myself, back right away dont call him etc, if he is that bothered he will make an effort to ask you whats up. if this happens confess to all but the spying. by this time if he is innocent he will be so desperate to see you he wont be so upset about the snooping.

OR (and this is probably better advice)

you are already destroying the relationship with your doubts and insecurities asyou said. so you may as well come clean but not in a loaded emotional way. dont confess to the snooping. tell him that its because of the ldr, you are not sure if he is happy just seeing one person who lives so far away. tell him you understand if this is the case but you will have to think about whether you are happy sharing him with somebody else. talk about it in a matter of fact practical way. men are dumb to this kind of thing, they really believe if you say you are okay with something and look like you are fine with it that they can be honest. dont make him think that you are accusing him, just make him believe it is an opendiscussion abou your relationship.