thefilmguy24 Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 (edited) I’m not sure if this seems shallow of me, but my GF has been kind of disappointing me on special occasions lately. I just recently had a birthday last week which was during our family vacation in Hawaii last week. I understand that being in Hawaii should be enough which don’t get me wrong was, but when we got back, she has never asked if I wanted to celebrate it since my birthday in Hawaii we really didn’t do anything since it was our last day there. I guess I’m expecting too much, but I would like her to maybe take me out to dinner or do something small that doesn’t cost a lot of money. She never really plans anything for me. She does ask me what I want to do, but never takes the initiative to plan anything that I may like. I mean we have been together almost 4 years now so she knows me pretty well. I always do something special for her birthday or other special occasions. Her birthday was a few weeks before mine and I ended up taking her out of town for the night and taking her out to dinner and even got her two small gifts that she already opened but I still took the time to wrap them and even had our hotel sprinkle rose petals that I had delivered there around the room with fake candles that I had bought to bring the romance into her special night. I just feel like I’m not a priority in her life as she is in mine. Am I being shallow and selfish? What should I do? I feel like I shouldn't have to ask we can do something for my birthday. I just want to feel like I’m special to her. I know that she loves me and cares about me a lot but I just don’t feel like I’m special enough to have something nice be done or a small gesture for my birthday or any other special occasion. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance. Edited August 21, 2014 by thefilmguy24 Forgot to add something and correct spelling
Zahara Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 How does she treat you otherwise, on a daily basis?
preraph Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Well, this is pretty easy. Usually when you hear something like this, it's the woman complaining. But in this case we've got a man who is actually good and proactive about planning occasions and gifting. From a woman's perspective, here is what I would think if I were her. I would think your big birthday celebration was this trip. You didn't say if she ever got you a gift or not. If not, then I agree, a small gift was in order, especially if by any chance you paid for her trip to Hawaii. However, if she paid for her trip to be with you on your birthday vacation, then that was gift enough because that's expensive as hell. Setting aside that issue of the trip, you are a big gift giver. That's great. But there's a lot of big gift givers who are always disappointed their friends didn't respond in kind and begin to resent that. But just receiving a big gift does not make them obligated to become a big gift giver in return because everyone has their own personal beliefs about that already and aren't likely to change, plus there's money issues, issues of how organized a person is, issues of how hard a person is to buy for. I find men very hard to buy for, especially on a low budget. So if overall, you have been disappointed with reciprocity, then learn to peel it back with those who don't return in kind to keep the friendship in balance. No reason to create resentment in yourself if they just aren't on the same page giving-wise. As far as expecting something upon your return from the trip, I would not think so. I would think the trip was the place to celebrate and exchange any gifts. If you gave, gave, gave, and she didn't even buy you a gift of any kind, yes that's an issue (long as she didn't shell out $$ for this trip).
Author thefilmguy24 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 How does she treat you otherwise, on a daily basis? She treats me well. I mean she’s just one of those type of women that doesn’t really show much affection but does do things that I know that she does think of me like always bringing me home leftovers from her lunch or something like buying me a shirt or something. She does say she loves me but only when I say it first. She always asks my opinion on things which some are important and some not. I mean I don’t know if she just has a lot of stuff on her mind since we do have a 3 year old daughter together while she also works full time( I work out of town a few days out of the week).
Zahara Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 She treats me well. I mean she’s just one of those type of women that doesn’t really show much affection but does do things that I know that she does think of me like always bringing me home leftovers from her lunch or something like buying me a shirt or something. She does say she loves me but only when I say it first. She always asks my opinion on things which some are important and some not. I mean I don’t know if she just has a lot of stuff on her mind since we do have a 3 year old daughter together while she also works full time( I work out of town a few days out of the week). Some people just aren't planners. I had an ex that treated me well throughout the relationship, but on my birthday or special occasions, had no clue with how to plan activities. He'd even ask me where I wanted to have dinner instead of surprising me. Just passive in planning. Then I had an ex that was very elaborate with my birthday but was never thoughtful during the relationship. If I had to pick, I'd pick the former because if he's treating me well 364 days out of the year, then that one day isn't really an issue for me. The other thing is, if you are going to do XYZ for your partner, don't place her/him on that same baseline and hold those expectations. If you want to make it "special" by your own definition, then do so, but don't expect it from the other person. I don't really do birthdays. It's just another day for me. Granted it would be nice to go for dinner together and that's about as far as I would go., I am sure other people would love to go all out. In that sense, she's probably not even seeing it the way you are and doesn't feel it as of much importance as you do. I know my gf doesn't like celebrating her birthday and often says it's overrated. So, there are people out there that don't need to make a big who ha about it, but I understand that being in a relationship you would like someone to do so for you, if it's a big issue for you. If you feel strongly about it, have you expressed to her how you feel? I don't believe she acts this way because she loves or cares for you any less, I just feel that the way you both view things are very different.
Author thefilmguy24 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 Well, this is pretty easy. Usually when you hear something like this, it's the woman complaining. But in this case we've got a man who is actually good and proactive about planning occasions and gifting. From a woman's perspective, here is what I would think if I were her. I would think your big birthday celebration was this trip. You didn't say if she ever got you a gift or not. If not, then I agree, a small gift was in order, especially if by any chance you paid for her trip to Hawaii. However, if she paid for her trip to be with you on your birthday vacation, then that was gift enough because that's expensive as hell. Setting aside that issue of the trip, you are a big gift giver. That's great. But there's a lot of big gift givers who are always disappointed their friends didn't respond in kind and begin to resent that. But just receiving a big gift does not make them obligated to become a big gift giver in return because everyone has their own personal beliefs about that already and aren't likely to change, plus there's money issues, issues of how organized a person is, issues of how hard a person is to buy for. I find men very hard to buy for, especially on a low budget. So if overall, you have been disappointed with reciprocity, then learn to peel it back with those who don't return in kind to keep the friendship in balance. No reason to create resentment in yourself if they just aren't on the same page giving-wise. As far as expecting something upon your return from the trip, I would not think so. I would think the trip was the place to celebrate and exchange any gifts. If you gave, gave, gave, and she didn't even buy you a gift of any kind, yes that's an issue (long as she didn't shell out $$ for this trip). Well you may be right about that the Hawaii trip was a celebration in itself. As for a small gift, I didn’t receive anything. I did get a card that was signed by everyone including her that my mom bought. As far as the money issue on paying for the trip, we both paid, some of it from our joint banking acct and some from her own personal acct. So yes, you may be right that if she did have to help front the money for us to go( it was expensive, especially paying for our 2 year old daughter) I guess that is a gift enough that she wanted to be there with me and my family. I do like to buy gifts for people and I’m thinking that I may be the type of person that does get disappointed if I don’t receive anything in return. Maybe that is an issue that I may have to take on and take a step back and just be generous and see the smiles on her face or anyone’s face when I do get them something.
GemmaUK Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Did she pay for the trip or take you out and treat you for a night during the holiday? If not then I agree that she needs to step up. Me and my LTR ex used to go all out for birthdays and Christmas (we didn't have any children so we just acted like kids!) His 30th I spent a fortune on a day at a race track...and it was so secret I had to wrap his Doc Marten's up and make out they were a cake...he was cringing when he thought I had a cake...but he went and put nice shoes on as we were 'supposed to be meeting his aunt (a total lie ). He needed his Doc Martens so I had a last minute panic just as we left... In a relationship you deserve some thoughtfulness for your birthday whether or not there is a child involved...unless you are a total bum who expects to always be waited on..but it sounds like you are not. Gifts in between are lovely..but..she needs to know your birthday matters to you. Tell her. Communicate.
HappyLove Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 I don't think you're being selfish at all. A big deal should be made on everyone's bday even if it's the last day in Hawaii. You could have at least got dinner the night before or something! Did you get a gift? Maybe she's a lil bit selfish or doesn't realize how important it is to you. A conversation is in order. Nothing attacking or hurtful but you need to let her know you like when she does things for you on special occasions.
HappyLove Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 She didn't even get you a separate card?! Something's wrong here.
Mrin Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're being too sensitive. You have a joint checking account and a 2 year old daughter with this lady. Sure, she probably is in the low end of the spectrum when it comes to gifts and acts of service as love languages. But then again, you guys are firmly established as a couple right? It is no longer a her and you thing. It is a we thing. Question: does she go all out for others (aside from your daughter)? Here's another way to look at it. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Your love languages, your strengths are acts of service and gifts. That's cool. That's really cool as most dudes struggle at that. But don't expect her to be able to match your strengths. Honestly, your strengths might even be a deterrent as they set the bar so high. Why try to out-do you? For example. I love to write. And I think I am pretty good at it. Every night (save two) that I am apart from Her (my girlfriend to end all girlfriends), I write her a letter. Or a poem. Or a story. They're not long and usually have nothing to do with what we were discussing during our nightly chats. I do it right before I go to bed. I got the idea from hearing that Ronald Regan wrote a letter to Nancy every day of their marriage and I wanted to see what it was like. Not only do I find that She absolutely loves receiving them but that I adore the ritual. But what I found early in the relationship is that she was trying to reciprocate. I finally told her there was no need. I didn't need flowery love letters and poems back. She was welcome to write them if she wanted, but I didn't need them. But I liked writing them to her and that's when I found out that she cherishes them. So - in short (ha! brevity is not my strong suit) - don't expect her to try to match your skills. And, from the sounds of it, you have some mad skills indeed. Strong work on the card by the way... 1
GemmaUK Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Well you may be right about that the Hawaii trip was a celebration in itself. As for a small gift, I didn’t receive anything. I did get a card that was signed by everyone including her that my mom bought. As far as the money issue on paying for the trip, we both paid, some of it from our joint banking acct and some from her own personal acct. So yes, you may be right that if she did have to help front the money for us to go( it was expensive, especially paying for our 2 year old daughter) I guess that is a gift enough that she wanted to be there with me and my family. I do like to buy gifts for people and I’m thinking that I may be the type of person that does get disappointed if I don’t receive anything in return. Maybe that is an issue that I may have to take on and take a step back and just be generous and see the smiles on her face or anyone’s face when I do get them something. We posted at pretty much the same time there. She could have got you a separate card.....however...how much of the ironing and packing ready for the holiday (for you both and the little one) was shared between you? If she did most of this I would give her a break. Holidays..(the precursor to) are fourth on the list of stress factors after bereavement, divorce and moving house.
Author thefilmguy24 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're being too sensitive. You have a joint checking account and a 2 year old daughter with this lady. Sure, she probably is in the low end of the spectrum when it comes to gifts and acts of service as love languages. But then again, you guys are firmly established as a couple right? It is no longer a her and you thing. It is a we thing. Question: does she go all out for others (aside from your daughter)? Here's another way to look at it. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Your love languages, your strengths are acts of service and gifts. That's cool. That's really cool as most dudes struggle at that. But don't expect her to be able to match your strengths. Honestly, your strengths might even be a deterrent as they set the bar so high. Why try to out-do you? For example. I love to write. And I think I am pretty good at it. Every night (save two) that I am apart from Her (my girlfriend to end all girlfriends), I write her a letter. Or a poem. Or a story. They're not long and usually have nothing to do with what we were discussing during our nightly chats. I do it right before I go to bed. I got the idea from hearing that Ronald Regan wrote a letter to Nancy every day of their marriage and I wanted to see what it was like. Not only do I find that She absolutely loves receiving them but that I adore the ritual. But what I found early in the relationship is that she was trying to reciprocate. I finally told her there was no need. I didn't need flowery love letters and poems back. She was welcome to write them if she wanted, but I didn't need them. But I liked writing them to her and that's when I found out that she cherishes them. So - in short (ha! brevity is not my strong suit) - don't expect her to try to match your skills. And, from the sounds of it, you have some mad skills indeed. Strong work on the card by the way... I may seem a bit too sensitive and my emotions do sometimes get the better of me. As far as how she does with other people besides me and our daughter, she does plan things for them but doesn’t really go overboard with gifts and such. It could be like you stated that she’s probably not used to the things that I do for her(she used to be married before, ex was a huge jerk and loser). I’m thinking it may be overwhelming when I go big or do something really romantic for her
Author thefilmguy24 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 We posted at pretty much the same time there. She could have got you a separate card.....however...how much of the ironing and packing ready for the holiday (for you both and the little one) was shared between you? If she did most of this I would give her a break. Holidays..(the precursor to) are fourth on the list of stress factors after bereavement, divorce and moving house. I would think the shared packing would probably be at 60/40 with her at the 60% since she did have to pack all of the baby’s clothes and necessities. So yeah maybe I do need to give her a little break because she does do a lot for me and our daughter.
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 My husband doesn't fuss over birthdays & holidays either & it bugs me. I have sat him down & told him so. I also explained what I think is the bare minimum: a signed card & something to unwrap. Over the years he has gotten better but part of it was me giving him specific input about my expectations. Given the trip, you may need to let the past go but you can calmly explain to her that you feel hurt & unloved when she doesn't fuss.
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