Crila16 Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 So my long distance boyfriend of 4 months just pulled a Houdini. Last time we spoke 1 - 1/2 wks ago, we were on the phone for over an hour, laughing, making plans for his next trip to NY, how much he missed me, talking about me moving closer to be with him within the year. This guy chased me like wildfire and seemed head over heels for me. He and I both were convinced we were soul mates. Then after our last call, he just completely stopped. No more txts or calls. I txt last week and asked if he had changed his mind about us and is everything ok. 24 hours later he responded w/ BS about forgetting his charger and all was good. Haven't heard from him since. Last night I had a break down and finally txt him one last time. I said "I didn't expect this treatment from you. I'm extremely disappointed." Was that a mistake to send? Was it good to send? I'm assuming he won't respond, though deep down I'm hoping he'll respond with a good explanation, although I know there isn't one. I'm just deeply hurt right now. I will never txt him again after this.
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 What you sent was fine. You just need to know how you will react if he contacts you again.
Author Crila16 Posted August 20, 2014 Author Posted August 20, 2014 Thanks donnivain. I think that if it got to the point where he's not returning my txts, it's because he doesn't want to contact me. Part of me was praying there was a logical explanation...but unless aliens abducted him or he's tied up in a basement somewhere, I don't see why he would let me go this long thinking he, literally overnight without any warning, changed his mind about us. If I loved a guy and he questioned my feelings for him, I would contact him immediately to ease his mind. I would never ignore and brush him off. If in the small chance that he did call or txt. I don't even know what I'd say or where to begin. I don't want to come across as needy or whiny, which is why I was hoping the txt I sent last night wasn't. 1
Zahara Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 This wasn't bad to send. That isn't the issue though. At some point you have to make the decision to let go. You are sending him these messages to provoke a reaction, a response to help validate you. You're hoping he's going to come back and tell you what you want to hear. His silence then and his silence now is your response. You need to move on. 1
mightycpa Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 I think he got off easy. Do you have any other way of getting in touch with him? Work phone, work email, facebook, whatever? I think you know the outcome, but you owe it to yourself to contact him one last time and ask very directly why he is avoiding you. In this way, you can tie up the loose ends neatly. Unfinished business seems to bother people longer than clean cut endings.
Dash23 Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 I don't mean to be negative, but from someone who has been in 2 long distance relationships, firstly, 4 months is not a long time by any means, and the fact that you guys are long distance, you are both essentially doing your own thing, which makes it very difficult to naturally grow together in the relationship - Especially in the initial stage, where both parties are trying to get to know eachother. I'm going to guess you met this guy on a 1 week get away trip, or some type of dating site. 4 months, you're still in the honeymoon phase, but it's not a proper "honeymoon phase" because you guys aren't even around each other to build the proper bond! This guy could have a girl where he lives that may have all of a sudden got his attention, while you are across the country. Here, this is your situation to a T!, same situation, where everything is glorious and there are plans to move within a short period of time and it just dies out: Long distance boyfriend fading out?? I don't mean to fill your head with bad thoughts, but the bottom line is you guys don't really know each other when it comes down to it - he could be a player for all you know, or have a mindset that says "I'll date this girl here now that has my attention and see where it goes, while I string my new long distance girl along". Another example, my last long distance ex just met a guy in her last month of living abroad. She is back here, and they have trips planned back and forth and talk about the future already. If it works out, I wouldn't be surprised as they are both older and looking for the same things. If it doesn't work, I won't be surprised either because it's fresh, they haven't even seen each others ugly sides, and only time will tell. I know you have expectations, as should anyone when they are in a relationship, but you have to expect that anything is possible in a brand new long distance relationship, and often it doesn't pan out. I wish you luck
imfine Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 His silence is his answer & he apparently doesn't care if you are disappointed in him. It's time to decide for you that no matter what, he isn't worth your time & energy. Lace up those big girl boots & walk. 2
Author Crila16 Posted August 20, 2014 Author Posted August 20, 2014 @ Zahara. Yes...you're right. I did hope to provoke something actually...a discussion. I was hoping that I was wrong and there is a reason he just stopped and I was hoping after giving him space for 1-1/2 weeks, that he might be ready to tell me what's going on, if I put a txt in his face. At the same time...I knew not to expect a response, but was hoping for one. I also wanted to give him a dig. I was going to call him a coward, but opted to be mature and just say that I was extremely disappointed. I was hoping to hit a nerve and make him feel like less of a man, if he didn't at least respond with a good explanation.
Dash23 Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 ^ Imfine summed it up perfectly in 1 sentence. The bottom line, Actions not words. You may argue to convince yourself that "well we only have words at the moment because its long distance". It doesn't matter...Actions as in, is he thinking of you, messaging you, making plans to see you, excited to spend time with you. Nope, he's silent
mightycpa Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 I was going to call him a coward Me too! Except I thought that the first text should be to check to see if he's dead. "Coward" is really for the closeout contact.
Author Crila16 Posted August 20, 2014 Author Posted August 20, 2014 Yes...we met in Napa. OK...after reading all of your posts...I'm now getting angry. You're all right. He doesn't care that he disappointed me. He and I had even planned for me to move out there and he discussed a getting me a ring if things progressed as quickly as it did (we're both older). I've spoken to his 2 young kids on the phone (he's divorced 8 years), his family knows about me, he had a pic of the 2 of us as his facebook profile pic...all the empty promises. He met my brother who loved him. Even my brother was fooled and thought he was a decent, down to earth guy. I don't know how I was fooled. He seemed so ABC and simple and had no agenda. The guy didn't seem to have a single manipulative bone in his body. All we did was laugh together and told each other our deepest secrets. I know it was only 4 months. I know it wasn't 2 years...but I had what I had with him. I'm so angry. Do I send him a nasty txt now and call him a liar and a coward? Now I want to punch him in the face.
April Moon Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 Don't send him anything else. The relationship is over. Just ignore him. That will be more hurtful than anything you can say.
mightycpa Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 That will be more hurtful than anything you can say. Doubtful, given how he just stopped texting her. OP, if you decide to contact him one last time, it will be only for you. I don't think it will make a damn bit of difference one way or the other to him. My guess is that he's found somebody local. Sudden and unexplained changes almost always trace back to "the new person"
April Moon Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 Doubtful, given how he just stopped texting her. OP, if you decide to contact him one last time, it will be only for you. I don't think it will make a damn bit of difference one way or the other to him. My guess is that he's found somebody local. Sudden and unexplained changes almost always trace back to "the new person" I meant if he reached out and contacted her it would be hurtful if she didn't respond. Of course, if he didn't do that he would never know that she is ignoring him. He doesn't care either way but it will hurt his ego if she is not at his call
Author Crila16 Posted August 20, 2014 Author Posted August 20, 2014 (edited) Thanks everyone for your advice. It's has been very helpful, and you've given me a lot of food for thought. I've even gone through an entire box of tissues, so your advice has really hit home. Yes. I think there must be someone else from the past that just got in touch with him again recently. I didn't think it was possible, because he was so crazy about me...but of course anything is. There was the pic of us on facebook, and I'm sure she saw it, got jealous and contacted him. 4 days later, he took it down, and I noticed a little pull back that day. Then he came on strong with me again...then completely just stopped. Now I'm assuming he realized he wants to be with her...whoever she is. I only know about his ex wife (8 years divorced). He told me there was only one other significant relationship besides his ex wife that he loved...the girl he dated after his ex. They were together for 4 years and have been broken up for 4 yrs. BTW...the pics of us are still all over his facebook page. I know it probably means nothing, but to me it did. Edited August 20, 2014 by Crila16 Additional paragraph.
Author Crila16 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 I had posted a little of my story yesterday, but now there's an update. Just to Summize, I have been in a LDR from NY to Chicago for 4 months (I know it's not long, but to me it was meaningful). I met my boyfriend on a trip in Napa. He chased and chased me hardcore. He said we were soul mates and that he knew we were destined to be. just a background...he's divorced with 2 young children. Married 14yrs and divorced 8 yrs. Anyway, things had really been amazing between us. We really click. We have a blast together and had the best conversations. We seemed to connect physically and mentally. He sat me down and had a marriage and babies discussion with me, and I told him I would have to move to him within the year, because of his obligations. We were seriously happy and he was so attentive and sweet to me. You could tell he was crazy about me. 1-1/2 weeks ago, he started pulling away out of the blue. We had an awesome 1-1/2 convo on the phone 2 Saturday's ago. The next day, he started pulling away. He basically disappeared. I asked what was up and if he changed his mind about us, let me know. He eventually txt back and said all is good. Then silence again for days. I finally txt him Tues night and said "I never expected this treatment from you, I'm extremely disappointed." Well he txt me back at 11pm last night. He said "I think I need to be alone for a while. I have too much going on and it's not fair to you. I'm sorry. Just a bad time." I was so angry and the silence, and the pulling away and the anger burned inside me. All this waiting and crying...and I get a breakup txt. I responded with "Be alone forever. I don't care. I also am not stupid. You've met someone else. Good luck with her." He then blocked me on facebook. I felt so horrible...that I sent one last txt, because I knew I acted psycho with my response. "Sorry I was crude. I didn't mean to stoop with a nasty txt. If you are with someone else that's fine. I just wish you had been more honest with me. I'm not going to txt you again, but I just didn't want us hating each other. Good luck with everything." He txt back "you too". I can't stop crying. I deleted his number and will never contact him again. I just wish he'd think about losing me and I'm worried I screwed everything up with my nasty txt. I don't want him walking away thinking...wow, dodge a bullet with that crazy chick. I just don't know what happened. My prince turned into a toad, and I still can't believe it.
Davidlarsson Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 I didn't think your texts were that bad, I acctualy think you did really good. But I think you should not contact him anymore to get some perspective on things. Perhaps in a month or two things will be more clear.
ThorntonMelon Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 I responded yesterday that your text was fine (as did everyone else) but now I am going to push back even a little more. You need to get to a therapist immediately, and you need to work through why you would process the events that you've shared the way that you have. You seem to want to blame yourself for the poor behavior of others. Getting angry is OK. He treated you badly, you stood up for yourself. He revealed his true colors, you felt deceived. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know they screwed up, if they screwed up. Until you understand that your feelings have to be your priority and that it is OK to express your anger if someone hurts you, you're going to get walked all over. Oh, and you dodged a bullet. He's an ass. 2
Zahara Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 (edited) I can't stop crying. I deleted his number and will never contact him again. I just wish he'd think about losing me and I'm worried I screwed everything up with my nasty txt. I don't want him walking away thinking...wow, dodge a bullet with that crazy chick. I just don't know what happened. My prince turned into a toad, and I still can't believe it. You didn't screw up anything. Stop beating yourself up over it. If you hadn't sent that "disappointed" text, you would probably still be hanging by a thread. And you apologized for reacting and any idiot with an ounce of brain will understand that you reacted out of anger and hurt. He's not stupid, although he is a jerk. Everyone wants to end with feeling validated and valued in the eyes of their partner. Unfortunately, endings are painful and 9 times out of 10, it erupts. Now, if you started bombarding him with text messages, begging and pleading, stalking him...then I'd say you're going a little off. I had a bad feeling about this guy when you posted about him. I never trust men that fast forward and future fake. And this was one was showing all the signs when you met him. Hopefully this helps you in the future that when people start to talk about a future so soon into a relationship, take a step back and don't let it consume you. It's never likely a good sign. Edited August 21, 2014 by Zahara 1
Author Crila16 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 Thanks Thornton...but you misread what I was saying at the end. It's my fault, because i re-read and it wasn't clear. What I meant to say is, he's the one that should be worried about losing me, and I'm sitting her wondering if I screwed it up with him with a nasty txt. I just didn't want him to walk away having regrets one day, for my egos sake. Not to think "wow...this chick has a nasty temper. Thank God I dumped her." Believe me...I know I'll get through this...it just happened, I haven't slept in 2 days and my heart just got stomped on. I am taking it personally and it's hurts like hell. I wish I was at the point where I could say "What a loser for giving me up...but I'm not there yet." I will agree that I'm the one that did dodge a bullet, because it's the only thing getting me through this. I don't have baggage, he does.
Don22 Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Yeah, a 4 month old relationship is still pretty new and things can change quickly. A LDR takes ton of work. My guess is he found someone nearby which was more convenient. Take some time to heal.
Author Crila16 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 Thanks Zahara for the support. I spoke to a friend who we both met on our Napa trip. She and her husband actually helped us get together, because they were his confidant during the trip, regarding his feelings for me. Her husband said to me...in all honesty...the way he came on so hardcore strong, made me wonder if it was just the chase he wanted. His wife of course said "No...he loves her." ...and you're right. No one wants to be rejected. It really hurts the heart and the ego and makes you wonder what you did to make him not want you. I just wish it would click in my head already, so I could stop crying. Also, thank you.
Zahara Posted August 21, 2014 Posted August 21, 2014 Thanks Zahara for the support. I spoke to a friend who we both met on our Napa trip. She and her husband actually helped us get together, because they were his confidant during the trip, regarding his feelings for me. Her husband said to me...in all honesty...the way he came on so hardcore strong, made me wonder if it was just the chase he wanted. His wife of course said "No...he loves her." ...and you're right. No one wants to be rejected. It really hurts the heart and the ego and makes you wonder what you did to make him not want you. I just wish it would click in my head already, so I could stop crying. Also, thank you. I think the husband was right. The ones that go at warped speed, be careful. Most times, they're in love with the idea of being in love. You didn't do anything. It's happened to me, my friends and everyone that puts themselves out there in the dating world. Not every guy is going to like or love you. It's not a reflection of who you are. There could be a lot of things going on with him to emotionally manage a relationship in a healthy manner. It doesn't mean it's about you. It's going to take awhile for it to click in your head. Right now you are emotionally driven and hurting so as much as you rationalize it, it's hard when you are overcome by pain. But you will slowly start to grasp this for what it is. For now, cry and let it all out. Grieve and understand you are going through a loss and it is perfectly normal to feel the way you feel. Stay NC with the man, block him and remove him. Post here to vent your feelings, be around friends and family and find support in them. Most importantly, don't beat yourself up. Be kind and gentle. 1
Author Crila16 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Posted August 21, 2014 I just had a good cry session in the bathroom at work. Thank God it's a slow week, since it's end of August. I think the hard part is dealing with the possibility that he thought I was amazing, until he got to know me. Then was able to discard me for "possibly" someone else, just because they're in Chicago. We had decided I would move there in a year. Wasn't I worth waiting for and holding onto? A year would fly by so fast, and we'd see each other every other weekend. I don't understand why he was able to brush me aside.
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