Suspicions am i going mad?

[Hoiahoi]

Hello

 

For quite a while this issue is bothering me, i have suspicions that my wife is having or did have a sexual affair with someone.

 

My suspicions started a few months ago with nothing more than a gut feeling since then various things have happened that concern me.

 

I really dont know where to start but ill try....

After everything that made me believe my wife was unfaithful i did a semen test on her pantyliner's.

 

 

The sample i tested was 10 days after we had sex the last time so normaly there should not have been any trace of semen left but sure enough it tested positive for it, there was also a very unusual lot of discharge on them, but anyhow.

 

I started bugging my wife after i saw that she started caring more for her

appearance, i know she wasnt doing it for me, so i asked her and she said it was because she wants to look more professional for her work.

Fine no problem.

 

So at that time i asked her if she would ever fool around on me.

Of course she said no, it would be to much of a hassle to deal with 2 guys.

In her opinion the only reason why she would have sex with someone else is because she would like to be with that person.

To her sex is not important and things like cuddling being close to each other are what is important so why would she have sex with an other men if she doesnt care to with me.

 

Usually my wife likes to come home early from work lately she has been coming home a bit later about an hour which is not really that much longer, also she wants to take more initiative at her work. During that period i gathered the samples for the semen test.

 

So a couple days pass and i woke up early and saw my wife taking a shower before going to work, nothing realy suspicious but my wife normally never ever takes a shower in the morning, and i was shocked so i asked her why and she said oh because she drank wine last night. The whole thing escalates and i am asking her straight up if she is having an affair.

 

She gets very angry and says no, if she was having an affair she would certainly need more than 6 minutes to do it. Also she always comes home early, to be with me. Well not as early as she used to, so i also confront her about some calls she received on her cell from work, she didnt know what to say, and said oh probably some co worker. She started receiving those calls when i started having suspicions, after i confronted her no calls came in after that. Her co-worker could easily call her work phone, why the cell-phone i though.

 

Ok she drives to work and then calls me, it almost seemed to me as if she felt guily, but she went on explaining that the reason why she got angry is because i wrongly accused her. Which i understand...

 

When my wife came back from work that day she looked terrible, she seemed sad guilty but shrug it off to having a headache.

 

 

So a few days after i did the test for semen, and then i was just simply shocked to see the results.

 

I did not confront her right away and waited about a week, so she comes home from work is tired and wants to take a nap.

So i am staying with her, strangely on that day she seemed like something is bothering her, she is tearing and having a stuffy nose while laying in bed. I ask her whats the matter and she says the fan is making her tear.

I know that happens and i have seen it happen to my wife but that looked nothing like tears from a fan.

 

At that point i am getting quite upset and i cant hold in my feelings anymore, i confront her again about having an affair saying that i know that she is.

She started getting very aggressive mad and defensive. I didnt tell her about the test results at that time. She basically discredited everything i said, she was threatening me to talk to my parents as well as her own parents and that this could end our relationship. That she is taking our marriage very seriously she was never married before and we want to buy a house and have a child together, so there was no chance she was fooling around, and i must say it sounds stupid having an affair if you are building a life with your partner.

I have seen her mad before but this was the most furious i have ever seen her.

 

She goes on saying that she doesnt care about sex, that i am messed up in the head. She would never do something like it, i can come to work with her every day, which i think is stupid to say because if i do well i wont make any money.

I can check her phone her mail and everything else and i wont find anything.

Of course....

I asked her why she is getting so very upset, because this is a serious issue and i want to put this behind us, if i was accused of something like this.

I would actually not get mad i would say, honey that is ridiculous i love you.

But i also understand that one might get upset. She also asked me how can i accuse her without having any proof, which i found strange.....

 

Oh well, before all of this, i felt that my wife doesnt show so much affection towards me anymore, when she kisses me its just for the sake of it. I was helping her a lot at work over the weekends and i told her, you can think of something to make up for all my troubles, she said oh we can make love.

Now the following week nothing happened she did not want to make love.

I asked her 1 or 2 times but she always found an excuse.

Also that was the week i gathered the samples for the semen test.

She also used to be very critical about me always finding something to nag about.

 

After we had the confrontation she actually showed more affection towards me she didnt criticize me anymore and we felt closer. I somehow get the feeling that if she had an affair she must have stopped it after all that pressure. I dont get that suspicion anymore.

 

Also i noticed that when we make love my wife takes unusually long to orgasm, this wasnt a problem before, in the early stages of our marriage she told me that i was a little bit too big for her, in my opinion i really dont think so but lately she is telling me to go deeper but i cant because its all the way in already.

 

I never really was able to talk about her sexuality because she is simply telling me that she doesn't care about sex, i asked her if she has any fantasies but she says no.

 

But we are certainly able to have great sex, not too long ago before all of the confrontation, we made love. That night we where both doing our separate things i was watching TV and she was on the computer, she told me that she feels like she is not paying attention to me and after she was practically begging me to do it (which never happened before) to me it seemed like she felt guilty but i dont know why, the sex was great and she even wanted me to keep going after she had her orgasm which never happened before either.

We are married for 3 years....

 

Until now i have not told her about the semen test. I would like to believe that she is honest. So make sure i will reproduce the test and see if test positive again 10 days after we had sex.

 

This whole thing is driving me mad and i feel like going crazy, it certainly is not good for our relationship. But i do my best not to mention anything anymore because it just leads to more tension.

 

I love my wife dearly and i know that she loves me too, i do not doubt that.

Our relationship is important to her, but at the same time, even if she tells me that she is honest with me i am having trouble trusting her.

Its hard to me to believe that a person who is saying that he doesnt care about sex goes off and has an affair.

I would have never imagined suspecting my wife to have an affair.

 

But here i am with my semen test results all the little signs that add up and i dont know how to feel what to think or what to do.

 

I dont have anybody to talk about this either so i very much welcome your guys opinions and advice's

[BetrayedH]

Keep quietly investigating. Stop confronting her. Play stupid and compliant. The voice activated recorder is a good idea. Affair partners commonly talk in the car to/from work. Velcro one under the steering column.

 

My wife's affair was with her boss. They rented hotel rooms during lunch and made up "meetings" to justify their absence from work. They got away with it for a year (about twice a week, at that).

 

By the way, I suffered thru 7 years of a nearly sexless marriage (wife claimed to have a low libido). The reality is that she always wanted to have sex during those years, just not with me. The limerence had worn off.

[2sunny]

The semen test is undeniable evidence.

 

Did you test more than one set of panties? If so, did the semen match or different from each other.

 

 

Be ready with what you plan to do about it. Looks like she's cheated. She may have tried ending it the day she was crying and had a headache.

[Hoiahoi]

Installing a VAR sounds good.

 

I tested 4 samples Day 10 9 8 and 7 after we had sex all positive day 10 had the least discharge, and there was also a heavy smell i did not recognize.

[beach]

Installing a VAR sounds good.

 

I tested 4 samples Day 10 9 8 and 7 after we had sex all positive day 10 had the least discharge, and there was also a heavy smell i did not recognize.

 

I suppose that indicates she's having unprotected sex. She's putting your life at risk.

[oldshirt]

I think you have probable cause for further investigation here.

 

 

I agree with the others, STOP CONFRONTING HER and stop bringing it up and talking about it!!!! Until you have the smoking gun she is just going to deny it and it's just going to make her go further underground and cover her tracks better. You want her to feel safe and secure so she gets sloppy and makes a mistake.

 

 

Behave like the perfect, trusting, secure husband but go into undercover investigator mode.

 

 

Get a few VARs. Put one in her care and one or a few more in areas of the house that she may be having private phone or other conversations in.

 

 

Get keylogger software for her computer(s). Get some kind of friendtracker apps to monitor the whereabouts on her phone.

 

 

In time you will have the smoking gun and then you will know the truth and can make an informed decision on what to do.

[oldshirt]

Hello

 

 

 

To her sex is not important and things like cuddling being close to each other are what is important so why would she have sex with an other men if she doesnt care to with me.

 

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

She goes on saying that she doesnt care about sex,

 

 

 

Oh well, before all of this, i felt that my wife doesnt show so much affection towards me anymore, when she kisses me its just for the sake of it.

 

 

Now the following week nothing happened she did not want to make love.

I asked her 1 or 2 times but she always found an excuse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She also used to be very critical about me always finding something to nag about.

.

 

 

I never really was able to talk about her sexuality because she is simply telling me that she doesn't care about sex, i asked her if she has any fantasies but she says no.

 

 

 

.

Its hard to me to believe that a person who is saying that he doesnt care about sex goes off and has an affair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She may or may not be having an affair but even if she isn't, you still have a big problem on your hands.

 

 

All the statements above indicate that she is not very sexually attracted to you. She may love you in one way or another and she may be with you out of comfort and support but she does not desire you sexually. You are not tripping her sexual desire triggers.

 

 

As a general rule men have spontaneous desire (which means their desire comes from within and they are horny and ready for sex at any time) where as women have what is called "reactive desire" which means they are not in a sexual state as they go about their normal daily business and they must become aroused by a man and react to his sexual presence and his seductions.

 

 

The problem here is unless a woman has some kind of actual medical or hormonal issue such as menopause, on libido killing medication etc etc, There really isn't such a thing as a woman who "isn't into sex." It's just she isn't into sex with her current partner.

 

 

However if some other guy trips her trigger she will be hot for him and will be a porn star in bed for him.

 

 

This lures many men into thinking their couldn't possibly be having an affair because they think she's sexually uninterested and unresponsive, but the reality is she is unresponsive to them but is a tiger in bed for someone else.

 

 

You need to address the desire issue and get your sexy back if you want to have a sexual relationship with her and keep her out of other men's beds.

[Zeurich]

She goes on saying that she doesn't care about sex, that i am messed up in the head.

After reading your story I think your wife is right. Semen tests , listening devices to track phone calls, honestly are you her husband or secret service agent? What for nonsense are you doing? If you are experiencing trust issues talk to her if that is not possible ask a mediator to help. Even if she is your wife don't think that you have rights to control her or stalk her like this that count as abuse. Don't make a misery on your own. Go for some professional help. speciousness already eaten your mind.

[fellini]

I agree with the others. Your are making too many calls on behaviours that you only seem to want to think are signs of guilt. However, changes in behaviour is a first sign to watch for.

 

But if you creating the famous Schrödinger's cat problem: You are trying to find out if something is FACT but you are COMPLETELY INFLUENCING THE RESULT by participating in the experiment.

 

Is it not possible that from the day that you accused your wife of infidelity you changed FOREVER the way she looks, thinks, and acts around you?

[DKT3]

I agree with the others. Your are making too many calls on behaviours that you only seem to want to think are signs of guilt. However, changes in behaviour is a first sign to watch for.

 

But if you creating the famous Schrödinger's cat problem: You are trying to find out if something is FACT but you are COMPLETELY INFLUENCING THE RESULT by participating in the experiment.

 

Is it not possible that from the day that you accused your wife of infidelity you changed FOREVER the way she looks, thinks, and acts around you?

 

Its more possible that she is cheating and got caught, now she is panic mode. I'm a pro at this. This is what I dealt with for 14 months. All the things he is talking about except the whole undies thing.

 

I personally have no doubt she was unfaithful.

[fellini]

Its more possible that she is cheating and got caught, now she is panic mode. I'm a pro at this. This is what I dealt with for 14 months. All the things he is talking about except the whole undies thing.

 

I personally have no doubt she was unfaithful.

 

I'm not discounting that she is cheating. My point is that like bumbling police, he is messing up the scene of the crime. He is influencing any chance of getting a proper understanding of things because she is precisely in panic or alert mode.

 

But Im not sure sitting back and playing dumb in order to catch her hand in the cookie jar is what he should be doing either. I mean, if this guy actually wants to stay married to this woman maybe he needs to be working on strategies to get the cookie jar out of reach. How wonderful is life going to be if you are already thinking your wife is cheating, and you wait until you find her in bed with another man's penis in her mouth before you did something about it. That seems pretty screwed up to me.

[tom670]

VAR in the car use lithium batteries and heavy velcro under the seat you should get answers.

[SawtoothMars]

I love my wife dearly and i know that she loves me too, i do not doubt that.

Our relationship is important to her, but at the same time, even if she tells me that she is honest with me i am having trouble trusting her.

Its hard to me to believe that a person who is saying that he doesnt care about sex goes off and has an affair.

I would have never imagined suspecting my wife to have an affair.

But here i am with my semen test results all the little signs that add up and i dont know how to feel what to think or what to do.

I dont have anybody to talk about this either so i very much welcome your guys opinions and advice's

 

Get access to her work email and work cell phone.

 

To be entirely honest though... she only exhibits a handful of affair type behaviors.

[DKT3]

VAR in the car use lithium batteries and heavy velcro under the seat you should get answers.

 

I guess I'm one that did need to hear a recording or find her in a sticky situation. I believe that in some way we all knew we just refused to see or believe it. Like my mother said it isn't hindsight it was delusion. I allowed the gaslighting as is OP even when knowing the truth.

[stillafool]

My goodness, why not just file for divorce? Who has time for all the things you are doing. Good grief!

[Try]

I tested 4 samples Day 10 9 8 and 7 after we had sex all positive day 10 had the least discharge, and there was also a heavy smell i did not recognize.

Take the samples and get a DNA test. It is expensive but it would be worth it. If the DNA does not match her or you DNA, you would have proof positive beyond any doubt. If it does match only her and your DNA then you can relax about the other test results.

[Hoiahoi]

After getting suspicious, the only way for me to get this behind me was finding a way to get some evidence supporting or not supporting what my wife is doing.

Honestly if it wasnt for that test i would not have any issues at all anymore, especially after talking to my wife, because i do fully agree with her it sounds ridiculous. She would have about 30 min to meet up with someone go someplace just to have a quickie and then come home.

 

Besides we are building our life together, she wants a family, so do i.

Why would anybody in their right mind jeopardize this, and the way i know my wife she certainly is not the person to act so irrational.

 

She also told me that she enjoys sex with me and in her opinion our sex life is great, its just that she doesnt think sexually too often, and she doesnt get horny as much as i do but she certainly does. This also sounds very plausible to me and i fully understand that there are woman with more or less libido. She also went on saying that she was always like that and every boyfriend she had would complain about her not wanting sex.

 

Our relationship isnt going so bad either the only problems we where suffering from was because of my suspicions and insecurities but in the end it seems like we where getting closer and having great moments.

 

So i dont know what to think, i am doubting the semen test, i was thinking that because the samples i tested where right before her period started and that maybe there where traces of the enzyme that the test looks for left and the reproductive system does prepare itself for the period and unusual discharge may appear.

 

After all the test doesnt look for sperm but rather for an enzyme and i could imagine especially since we are trying for a child and we have to do it regularly up to a point that there might be traces left.

 

But thanks to everybody for your input it makes me feel better being able to get all that stuff out.

[drifter777]

After getting suspicious, the only way for me to get this behind me was finding a way to get some evidence supporting or not supporting what my wife is doing.

Honestly if it wasnt for that test i would not have any issues at all anymore, especially after talking to my wife, because i do fully agree with her it sounds ridiculous. She would have about 30 min to meet up with someone go someplace just to have a quickie and then come home.

 

Besides we are building our life together, she wants a family, so do i.

Why would anybody in their right mind jeopardize this, and the way i know my wife she certainly is not the person to act so irrational.

 

She also told me that she enjoys sex with me and in her opinion our sex life is great, its just that she doesnt think sexually too often, and she doesnt get horny as much as i do but she certainly does. This also sounds very plausible to me and i fully understand that there are woman with more or less libido. She also went on saying that she was always like that and every boyfriend she had would complain about her not wanting sex.

 

Our relationship isnt going so bad either the only problems we where suffering from was because of my suspicions and insecurities but in the end it seems like we where getting closer and having great moments.

 

So i dont know what to think, i am doubting the semen test, i was thinking that because the samples i tested where right before her period started and that maybe there where traces of the enzyme that the test looks for left and the reproductive system does prepare itself for the period and unusual discharge may appear.

 

After all the test doesnt look for sperm but rather for an enzyme and i could imagine especially since we are trying for a child and we have to do it regularly up to a point that there might be traces left.

 

But thanks to everybody for your input it makes me feel better being able to get all that stuff out.

You do whatever feels right. If she's fooling around then you WILL find out at some point. But don't discount the semen test because the enzyme's it is looking for are ONLY present in semen. For example, the PSA enzyme is only produced in the prostate gland. No woman has a prostate gland.

[Davey L]

Personally I feel uncomfortable with the level of surveillance that some people on here frequently suggest. In my view the use of voice activated recorders, computer keyloggers etc. are a gross invasion of privacy and are only warranted when you are virtually certain an affair is going on, you have made up your mind to divorce, and need the proof in a jurisdiction where there is a blame-based approach to divorce and divorce settlements. To me it is like the police - they need to present some level of case to get a search warrant for your house, or to tap your telephone, or whatever; they can't do it just because they think you might have done something. If you have got to the point of needing this much surveillance, the marriage is already destroyed.

I think perhaps a lower level of checking-up might be warranted. Go to meet her unexpectedly after work, or at lunchtime, and keep your eyes open. And see if you can recover your marriage, too.

[GoBlue]

From what I have read, there is no compelling proof of an affair. The semen test proves nothing unless a DNA test is also done. There are few things worse in a marriage than constantly being accused of doing something you have not done - with one exception - being lied to when your suspicions are spot on. Have the two of you ever gone to counseling? It doesn't have to be a long drawn out thing but the input of a third party professional could benefit this relationship. Communication and conflict resolution are the cornerstones to developing true and lasting marital intimacy.

 

I don't know if your wife is having an affair or not, but I do know that suspicion is not a solid foundation upon which to build trust. Again, sitting down with a counselor, Pastor, or mediator, calmly and rationally communicating why you feel the way you do is not an unreasonable request. The last thing you want to do is start having children with this hanging over your relationship. I truly hope that your wife is not nor has ever had an affair. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[fellini]

VAR in the car use lithium batteries and heavy velcro under the seat you should get answers.

 

And if there is nothing on the recording? Does that prove she isn't?

 

My WS never spoke in our car to her AP. They prearranged their meetings from work. What she did do, most of the time was be driven in his car. As he was a single AP he wasn't being monitored.

 

What I would have liked to have had was a gps tracker on her phone. That she never turns off and carries with her everywhere, and it would have shown me where she was every minute.

[beach]

It seems that those kits can detect semen for up to 72 hours.

 

It doesn't say it detects a woman's secretions - it's testing specifically for semen...which also indicates unprotected sex.

[BeholdtheMan]

OP, are you one those guys who get aroused at the thought of their wives being inseminated by other dudes?

 

If not, I suggest a divorce.

[Hoiahoi]

OP, are you one those guys who get aroused at the thought of their wives being inseminated by other dudes?

 

If not, I suggest a divorce.

 

I certainly very much dislike that thought but because i love my wife i am willing to work things out.

 

A month has passed since i confronted my wife about the suspicions i was having.

I took the advice's mentioned and stopped pushing the issue, also i started acting very confident and slightly cocky but in a subtle way not to overdo it.

 

A couple things have changed since then, i certainly do not see any of the signs that i used to before so my gut says everything looks fine.

If there was something going on its not anymore.

 

The most noticeable change is in our sex life, it got better in quality and quantity. My wife actually started initiating numerous times last month, which was rather new in this quantity. I think she initiated more times than in the last 4 months. She also doesn't find excuses not to have sex anymore.

 

She did not complain or nag about anything and is not critical about me anymore.

Usually she used to be tired when coming home from work but thats not the case anymore and she seems more vital. We did some lifestyle changes as well so that could be contributed to that.

 

At some point i nonchalant told her that it seems to me that since our confrontation our relationship seems to have improved. To which she responded that it must be because my perception changed and to her our relationship always has been good.

 

But the truth is that it didnt really she doesnt know that i performed the semen test and that this was the main concern that actually pushed me to believe that she was unfaithful.

 

Not to long ago she asked me if i got suspicious again because i asked her about her work schedule once, but i said, ah that's ridiculous i trust you why would you have been unfaithful if you have me and all that.

 

So i am saving to do a dna test on the sample i have i dont want to mention anything again until i have the results if the test indicates that the dna found does not match mine i will see how to proceed.

 

 

*Sigh* Before in our marriage i never used to be insecure but after doing the semen test i did very much feel that way. That changed though, love is not black and white and i understand people do have affairs, if she did i am able to forgive and work towards a better future. I still hope nothing happened but i am prepared for worst case scenario.

 

I really dont understand the changes in our sex life since the only changes that happened where the confrontation we had and my regained self confidence. But i was self confident before and our sex life wasnt that great.

However i must say that i try to be a better lover, and it seems to work.

 

Soooo.... i dont know if our improved sex life is due to my efforts or because someone else left the playing field.

 

I guess the dna test will bring a final conlusion

[tom670]

Put a VAR in her car already or you will drive yourself nuts.