needed

[Bajamcse]

Hi there,

 

Me and my girl broke up just over a week ago. We were together for almost a year. We met at work last Sept and instantly blew each other away and fell head over heels in the most passionate love for the first 5/6 months. Before we met, she was with someone for 5 years who she has a 4 year old son with, but it was a very abusive relationship. She ended things quickly with him to be with me and then we were very happy. Our love making was the most incredible thing, and we connected like nothing neither of us had experienced before.

 

Then in Feb, i had this text from this girl who i had known for a few years, i was just friends with her but in this text she said she wishes she could find a man like myself. I never replied and had no intention of replying, but a few says later my girlfriend confessed that she had saw the text and assumed the worst. We talked about it, and i tried to reassure her that she was the only girl i was interested in. She admitted that she had huge jealousy issues, but the next day it seemed like we were over it.

 

But over the next few weeks i began to notice that she didn't seem the same, she would be quiet sometimes, and a lot less affectionate sometimes, although when we wasn't together, we would still text each other all the time. After a few weeks, i mentioned to her that she has seemed distant, but she would say that she was ok and not to worry. But she began to say things like because of her ex, she had trouble opening herself up. A few months later, when i broached the subject again, she admitted that she still thought of that text a lot and that she had in effect put her guard up and she really wished it wasn't the case.

 

Throughout our relationship though, there was always this thing between us, that we were the real deal, we had what so many people look for and that we were so lucky to have found each other. We talked all the time about building a future together, getting married and growing old together. But i still sensed that she wasn't fully letting me get close to her on an emotional level and it began to affect me, it hurt although i tried to hide it.

 

I began to notice that she seemed to be keeping distance between me and her son, and that we hardly ever done things together. But then one day in June, we all went to the park together for the day, me, her, her son and my 2 kids (I'm a single dad) we had a truly great day all 5 of us. But when we left each other, she said that she was worried because her son had called me 'dad' afterwards and she was worried about confusing him.

 

When i discussed things with her, she admitted that she was so scared of being hurt, although she wanted us to build a future together more than anything and we talked theoretically about it still, but she was so scared of doing that, for it to all go wrong and that if it wasn't for her son, then maybe she would have been alright and got over it. Still throughout this period, we texted each other like mad when we weren't together, and still laughed all the time.

 

But deep down, it was beginning to affect my confidence in our relationship, i began to feel insecure, and although i tried to hide it, I'm not very good and bottling stuff up for long. As she became more defensive, we went from seeing each other 3 nights a week, gradually to 1 night. Then last Sunday, i asked her if she wished we saw each other more than 3 hours a week and she said yes, but she didn't realise how difficult it would be with her son. When she's with him, she feels guilty on me and when she's with me, she feels guilty for not being with him. I asked her why she cant involve me more with her son then, and again she said that she just wasn't ready for that.

 

I was upset at that point, and asked her if she still wants to be with me, she said that she feels that she is just hurting me, that I'm not happy and that she has clammed herself up. I said to her it seems like she's not ready to be in a relationship with me and it sounds like its over. She said she was lost for words.

 

Im really sad, and i think she is but hiding it. She says that she needs time and space, and to just put all herself into her son as it will make her feel better. I said if i knew all of this before, i would have understood, but she never really told me until it was too late.

 

We've spoke on text a few times, I'm trying not to appear clingy or needy, but i have told her that i want to try and make things work, what we had was too special to throw away. She acknowledges all this is true but still needs time and space and that she doesn't know how she will feel in however long. I find it hard to balance giving time and space without appearing to give up.

 

Anyway, we texted again last night, and i said my final things to her as i really want to leave her alone. I said that i wanted to give her space, like she wanted, i wasn't going to be checking if she's ok every week (like she wanted) but i just wanted to know whether it could be salvaged or not, so that i never wanted to look back with regrets of not fighting for her. I said she would be free of me from last night. I said that I'm happy that throughout it all, we never lost our deep love or respect, never argued but that i don't expect a reply. I said that I'm just being honest and that i wont be into playing post breakup politics or games of any kind, that we will both have to move on in our own way in our own time. She said that she agrees with it all and that if she was in a different place it would have been different but that i should not regret anything as nothing i could have done different could have changed anything.

 

I just feel that this all stems from that text, before that we were so head over heels, she said she trusted me with her life. She has said a few times, she just needs time to be 'ok' and that i need to understand that this is something that she has to do to make things better - i don't know what this means, if this mean ok to try a fresh start or just ok to find herself again but not with me.

 

She did say last week, that in time perhaps we could perhaps make a fresh start. She said to not think she isn't really hurt or doesn't love me either. We still have to see each other at work which I'm finding painful. She also told her friend at work because i defriended her on Facebook and accepted friend requests from 2 girls, that i have 'confirmed her decision' whereas i just don't want to see her stuff in my face on there everyday, and those 2 girls are people i know, just regular stuff.

 

I just don't know what to make of the whole situation, whether its final, or whether she really does just need time. I know i have to leave her alone and go no contact for both of our sakes. What would you do or think?

[Bajamcse]

Sorry about the title, it seems that part of it has got missed out.......

[d0nnivain]

I think you dodged a bullet. Some friend gave you a compliment & your GF went off the deep end? Really? Something that stupid changed your whole relationship. If you went forward with her what do you think she would do in an genuine crisis or if a real issue developed?

[Bajamcse]

Sorry, only just saw this reply. I explained to her i wanted her to trust me that if someone ever did come onto me, that I'm capable of dealing with it myself and that would have been the end of it. The trouble was by the time she brought up the fact that she had saw the text, i had already deleted them, as i knew it could have been interpreted wrong. She saw this as me covering my tracks.

 

She admitted that she was jealous by nature and had a strong territorial streak, and as she put it 'she knows what girls like that are like'

 

Its a good point you raise though, that never got to be tested.

[Bajamcse]

We had a proper clear the air yesterday, about a 7 hour long intense text conversation. She vented at me over a few things that have annoyed her over time, she thought my use of FB was not befitting of someone in a relationship. She's onto against FB but she didn't like who I was on there. I use it to have a laugh and a joke with friends but she thinks I court female attention which is the last thing I'd want to do. I told her that FB means nowt and a relationship with the right person is a trillion time more important.

 

It seems the main crux of the split is that she feels so much guilt about her child. She doesn't regret leaving the kids dad but they split custody equally and she feels so guilty that basically she ditched her son for me as she put it, basically feels guilty on him for the times he is with his dad 3/4 times a week and isn't with his mum. She feels she has to put 100% into him for now to make it up to him and make herself feel better over it.

 

I have full closure on the reasons why now. She says I shouldn't wait for her, but she will be gutted if I meet someone else but she will have to face that. She says we both need to think things over and take enough time. If she has to fight to get me back in future once she has done what she needs to do, then she will do that. She's genuinely as sad and gutted as I am but she has to do this to make everything right. She wants to keep in touch over text as well, as she thinks this will make things easier for each other to get through it all. There's never any texting mind games, we have always been above that and that's still the case.

 

I do want to win her back, I want to get things back on track and better than ever in time. We both said the thought of dating again would feel like cheating even though we wouldn't be. What should I think or do? How would you play this. She is as heartbroken as me, but the guilt she feels on her child is even deeper than that.

[d0nnivain]

I can't believe you had a 7 hour "conversation" about something this important over text. That is completely insane to me. You can't properly talk about emotional issues via text. No wonder she resents your use of FB. If she's getting texts, the women on FB are at least getting pictures too.

 

If you plan to fix this try spending time together.

 

I still think her reaction to a compliment was over the top & I question her mental stability & maturity.

[Bajamcse]

I know about the text thing. It was actually on FB messenger not text, but essentially the same. It was kinda impromptu though and not planned to chat yesterday. She's been reluctant to meet face to face for whatever reason, I know yesterday she had her lad and it wasn't a planned thing to talk so long so. She's been laid up in bed all week with flu/virus also.

 

I think the time together thing can only happen after some time has passed, especially for her. I've suggested meeting face to face a couple of times but it hasn't gone down too well.

 

I agree with you on the compliment thing, it does show a certain immaturity, irrational jealousy and insecurity on her side. She's been hurt in the past, I think emotionally manipulated and made jealous on purpose. That's my guess and why I would cut her some slack. She's 26.

 

I don't want to be her safety net and be a mug like that, but neither do I want to play mind games or anything like that if she still views me in a romantic way but just needs time. It's difficult. I do appreciate your input though.

Edited August 24, 2014 by Bajamcse

[loversquarrel]

UGH. Sounds like a drama queen to me. Time for no contact, if she really wants you make her be the one to fight. You don't need to fight, you already know what you want.

[Bajamcse]

I'd hate to paint her in a bad light, I've just tried to be factual from my perspective of both sides. She's a girl any bloke would be proud to have in so many ways, she absolutely beautiful, works hard and is intelligent. She could really act like she was it and be a bitch, because she has everything. But she doesn't, she's caring, considerate, amazingly funny, kind, unmaterialistic, self depreciating, she puts everyone else before herself and she welcomed my kids with open arms. I wanna get her back but I want her to come back to me, for her to do the 180 turn in time.

 

We work in offices next to each other, we can see each other walk past the door 10 times a day going back and forth. It's just hard to know what to do for the best. Is NC the best way if we are getting on amicably? We have both agreed we aren't 'friends' as you can't really be friends with someone you love and fancy.