Kate Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 I responded to a post this past saturday here about "clinginess". well, i think my SO is beyond clingy and i don't know what to do. when i make plans without him, i can tell he is affected 50% of the time. i am very nice, normal and stable about it and have never tried to make him jealous. i am emotionally mature, responsible and have evolved ( i think ) to the point where i want a great relationship but not one i need to spend every MINUTE with. i referenced a few things about this relationship a month or so ago under another forum, saying i didn't know if i trusted this guy. now i know why. it's not that i don't trust him physcially, i don't trust him as HIM emotionally. for example: he told me all last week he was probably going to vermont or philly for a bachelor party. at the very last minute, his plans changed. and i accepted an offer to go to the nyc ballet with a FRIEND of the family who is 4 years my senior! well, i noticed immediate attitude from my SO. he didn't SAY he was mad, he ACTEd mad. i don't need this crap. needless to say, it was all i thought about during the ballet. i went out to have a good time after that and stayed at my friends house. the next day (which was last Sat.) my SO sends me a text asking how it went. i said it was good. we had plans for the night. so when i call him later to make them, he is indecisive, has an attitude and is basically being a jerk. i told him i can't be treated that way. he told me "what about the way you treat me?" over a text. he was referring to the fact that i went to the nyc ballet last minute!!! this carried on and he acted like a baby and sent me another text first thing Sunday am. (let me BREATHE!!) i was on my way over there anyway to fix things, and he has now gotten me to the feeling guilty point. not fair. i went over there and spelled things out in a nice way for him. i felt naseous knowing that this was only the beginning of the potential end with him. we spent the day in the city and his attitude and behavior was/is erratic. he is one way one minute, then the next trying to make me jealous with a subtle comment. not good behavior. why can't he just be NORMAL?? this made me further naseous and went finally went back to my place where he just looked at me. we hadn't seen eachother in 5 days (because i needed my space!) and he doesn't even touch me. this made me feel rejected and controlled in the context of the situation. it just didn't feel normal for some reason. my question is this -- how do i leave gracefully? i have been honest with him, but he always finds a way to twist words around, i feel guilty and i get roped back in. at least i can SEE what he is doing. i have been involved with a man like this before. basically just a child in a man's body. the WORST part about this whole thing is that he invited me to the bahamas for a wedding. ON OUR 3RD DATE!! it took me a couple of months to say yes, for several obvious reasons. well, now we are set to leave in 12days. what do i do? i can't not go, he will 1) be alone 2) forfeit the $$. also, i can't afford to offer up to pay for my share. he knew this before, but i now fear he will use it against me. this guy, my SO is not dangerous, mean or abusive in any way at all. but i think he needs help. i feel EMPTY, dry and WASHED OUT. i missed 2 job interviews today as i am trying my damndest to leave my current job, and i have now missed 2 days because of issues with my SO at my current job. i thought i was stronger than this. HELP.
nicki Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 okay, deep breath... I can tell this is sucking a lot of energy from you -- energy that you need for work, life, etc... question: if he wasn't clingy, would you want him? if he was going out with another woman would you want him? maybe you just need a little space to figure out what your boundaries are with him, like you've been asking for. in light of your recent arguments with him, i'd say you are in an excellent position to say you aren't going to the wedding...tell him it is a situational thing...that you will not be your best if you go, that you guys will fight all the time, that it is not fair to bring that kind of energy to a wedding. anyway, i feel sorry for the guy. he's screwed up, but probably because he doesn't know what to do now that he is losing you...of course, he didn't want to touch you that night -- he was scared of doing the wrong thing...cut him a little slack on being confused. you are confused, too. but you have the right to your own life. maybe speak to him gently about how you feel. watch his ego, though...such a fragile thing...use a lot of "I feel _____ when you _____" kind of language. good luck. hey, we all like confident men. vulnerable is good, sometimes, but not 24/7...
nicki Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 and hey, if you want out, just get out. no guilt necessary. just refuse to accept it if he wants to give you any!
bluechocolate Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 You neglected to say how long you've been together. It sounds to me like things just went too far too fast with you two. the WORST part about this whole thing is that he invited me to the bahamas for a wedding. ON OUR 3RD DATE!! I guess you see that that was a big warning sign now. Don't go to the wedding - you don't want too. In fact, you don't want to be going out with this guy at all anymore, do you? i have been honest with him, but he always finds a way to twist words around, i feel guilty and i get roped back in. So is he clingy or manipulative? Perhaps both? And you're being sucked into it? You sound stronger than that. End it.
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 I agree with Nicki, this guy is draining you of all your energy. It seems he doesn't bring in alot into the relationship to make YOU feel good and happy. so when i call him later to make them, he is indecisive, has an attitude and is basically being a jerk. i told him i can't be treated that way. he told me "what about the way you treat me?" over a text. he was referring to the fact that i went to the nyc ballet last minute!!! this carried on and he acted like a baby and sent me another text first thing Sunday am. (let me BREATHE!!) i was on my way over there anyway to fix things, and he has now gotten me to the feeling guilty point. not fair. i went over there and spelled things out in a nice way for him. i felt naseous knowing that this was only the beginning of the potential end with him. we spent the day in the city and his attitude and behavior was/is erratic. he is one way one minute, then the next trying to make me jealous with a subtle comment. not good behavior. why can't he just be NORMAL?? this made me further naseous and went finally went back to my place where he just looked at me. we hadn't seen eachother in 5 days (because i needed my space!) and he doesn't even touch me. this made me feel rejected and controlled in the context of the situation. it just didn't feel normal for some reason. Listen to what your inner voice and gut is telling you. IF you feel something isn't right then more than likely it's not right. Yes, you may really like this guy and care for him alot, but can you picture another 2-3 years of his draining you of your energy? Always making you feel bad when infact he should be HAPPY you have friends, going out and living life? Couples have to BE together yet learn how to live life apart too. It's completely normal to want to spend time together but each person HAS to have separate interests and hobbies they do on their own. It seems he isn't willing to see this and honestly, you can't change him. You can't control what he feels, thinks or the way he acts. If he is being a jerk, tell him we'll catch up when you're feeling more like yourself. Remove yourself from the situation and let him sit in it and figure out WTF he is doing is WRONG! You are not a bad person, don't ever allow him to make you feel guilty either! He's got some issues obviously and I bet they really aren't about you, but something in his past or previous girlfriend. But it is NOT your fault and he needs face whatever it is that is making him act inconsiderate. He expects you to change your plans for him just because his plans fell through, that is a bunch of BS. He knows it too...Reverse the situation I bet you he wouldn't cancel plans with his buddies to hang with you just because now you're free and have some spare time. (That wasn't supposed to make you feel bad, just a general comment, not meant to be taken the wrong way...) Think about what it is you actually get out of this relationship. Weigh all the good and the bad...Which direction does the scale point to? Can you see yourself not being with him? Will you be happier without him? These are things you need to ask yourself too. Good luck and I hope this helps!
Author Kate Posted March 2, 2005 Author Posted March 2, 2005 well thanks guys. the more time i spend away from him, the better it is when we get together. but i have one thing to say: THIS IS THE FIRST RELATIONSHIP THAT I HAVE HAD WHERE I FEEL LIKE HE IS SIMPLY CONVENIENT FOR ME WHEN I WANT HIM TO BE, AND INCONVENIENT WHEN I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE. this doesn't sound good to me. at first, all of his attention and affection and holding off on kissing me, etc. was GREAT. it was so flattering, felt so safe, and i felt like it would be a really healthy relationship for me. but as soon as we slept together, things started changing more. the subtle warning signs i saw earlier became heavier. my problem is that i make excuses for people. i drag things on until they get so heavy that i can't get out. but i feel less bad for him than i have felt in other situations. i feel that he is emotionally immature. i mean, i have the same fears as him too...but his pushiness has made ME feel like I NEED HIM. aggressiveness sometimes breeds a certain degree of neediness somehow, i'm not sure or don't have the energy to explain here. it would be one thing if he was like that from time to time, but i feel like he has a comment for EVERYTHING that casts a negative tone to the relationship. he has had like 10 relationships, all under 1 year. he says he has never slept around, and i suppose that makes sense because of his seemingly desperate need to be in a relationship. then he sucks all of the energy out of the relationship until it's dead...usually takes about 8 months, i guess! in addition, i just don't feel he is overall as intellectual/intelligent/travelled/evolved, etc. as i am. i'm no know-it-all, but he claims to feel that i like to know everything. i NEVER give my opinion on thing unless it directly affects me...yet he has a STRANGE and UNINFORMED opinion about virtually everything!! i feel like he talks just to hear himself. and he is SO off. if he sat in front of Donald Trump he would probably wonder if he was retarded...because i see little correlation in his words and points. i know, that is mean to say also... i can't get out of the trip. although i felt very encouraged by him to go, i DID accept, i DID take the time off of work, and it is in 10 days. trust me, the bahamas is NOT that important to me...i'd rather be doing something more productive than worrying about us getting along. but i guess it's up to me to insure there. hopefully i can use little things that happen on the trip as a reference point from which to work. when i get back, i will have a clearer vision as to how to deal with this. the worst part about all of this is that i REALLY was impressed wtih this guy at first. until he acted like a child and did childish things, like not talking to me for 3 days when he was out of town then crying the night he gets back because he couldn't get my attention. HE SO DESPERATELY WANTS TO BE CHASED AFTER, BEGGED TO BE WITH, ADORED. WHAT ATTENTION DID HE MISS AS A CHILD? I MET BOTH OF HIS PARENTS AND THEY SEEM GREAT. it is so sad that he has acted like such a freaking baby, claiming that i treated HIM badly and so he acted that way. he does that when he doesn't get the attention he wants. the real test will be in a matter of a week or so...when i say "no" a few more times and he can't handle it, i'm sure it will be a breaking point for me. in the past, i may have caved to that type of behavior, thinking it WAS my fault. people in that much inner pain can really maniulate you into feeling bad for them. not this time. i don't feel bad for this guy, i think he is a looooong way from a real relationship. there is just too much underlying negativity involved between me and him right now. thanks for listening!
Author Kate Posted March 2, 2005 Author Posted March 2, 2005 oh and another thing or two -- the most important thing is that i don't feel i am becoming a better person with him. even in some of my more f-ed up relationships, through them i became a better person because i tried to wrok through MY problems. this time, i can say that i don't have as many as before because i have WORKED on them. i feel less energized and more prone to being negative about life as a result of hanging out with him. not good. and in reference to a comment that adam made, yes i need to remove myself comletely from the situation when he is being negative or rude or manipulative...and let him sit and stir in the situation. i need to avoid ANY kind of name calling and be careful about how i word things so that he CANT turn them around. once he has the opportunity to turn things around, i'm screwed. he did that to me sunday night. i'm seeing him tonight for dinner and i'm sure he will want to sleep at my house. i'll have to tell him no maybe. depends on how the evening goes. ill update here. i just feel like i need to get rid of him in the next few weeks. i feel in my heart that he is not in it...and that hurts because it means i am being untrue to him and untrue to myself. and now i will feel guilty going on vacation with him, too ;(
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