Wrote a letter to my ex and he freaked out. Need male insight

[LonelyIsland]

Today is a month mark since my breakup. I want to share my story because I think it's therapeutic for me and to help me get over this hump. It is a week of bittersweet dates. Tomorrow or actually today (the 12th) is his happy, and I won’t get to celebrate it with him even though I had everything planned out from 2 months ago. I contemplated for a month whether or not to send him a birthday card and I opted not to. And on the 15th, it would have been our one year anniversary.

 

Sometimes I have moments of clarity about the breakup, sometimes it get over shadowed by the negative aspect of being blind-sided. Sometimes it’s all very fussy and I get conflicted emotions. I can love, hate, and feel indifferent all in one day.

 

I try not to over analyze the situation and just let it be and let it go. And fortunately, I have more good days than bad.

 

I don’t have any contact with him. We never talked about NC, but it’s something that implemented itself. He makes sure to steer clear of events where I partake in, and I do the same, since we share a group of mutual friends. Maybe one day we can face each other again, but right now I don’t want to, and I doubt he does.

 

So, this is my break up story.

 

 

The moment he melancholy uttered the words, “That’s the thing--I fell out of love with you. I don’t see a future with you.” My heart didn’t sink, the watergate didn’t blast open, my mind didn’t shut down or run loose, I didn’t get defensive--I didn’t attribute any erratic behaviors that most women would. I stared into his sad, watery eyes, nodded my head in understanding and asked, “When did this come about?”

 

He uttered, “I don’t know.” Okay, I thought, let’s try a different approach. “When was the last time you were happy with us?”

 

“At the beginning of the year,” He answered, “Especially after Japan.”

 

I sat there and thought to myself, that was about two months ago. And I could recall we had been good ever since. “What happened?” I asked.

 

“I don’t know.” He uttered those words again.

 

“In your heart of heart, you know the reason. You just don’t want to tell me.” I said matter-of-factly.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He cried with the tears coming in full force.

 

“You can’t help how you feel.” Words of comfort began to roll out of my mouth as his tears and snot kept pouring out. I was getting dumped, but was the one that had to do the comforting. I didn’t mind. It came so naturally to me.

 

Thirty minute passed by, and we wavered between the how and the when of the fading of happiness. Finally, it was time for me to leave. As I made my way to the front door, I attempted to give his house key back, he stopped me, “Hold on to it. You can come get your stuff when I’m not here if you want.” I accepted the offer.

 

Taking a last shot of getting some closure and I asked him again to be honest with me of his reason. He declined to answer. I gave him one last hug. It was the last whiff of his musky scent that would engulf my nostrils. He lowly whimpered, “This is the hardest thing I ever had to do.” Tears started to well up in my eyes, as I held onto him. I had to give him my last thought before parting, “You didn’t try hard enough.”

 

“That’s fair” was all he said back. He began crying again and I didn’t want to let go. “Do you want me to stay and hold you?” I asked pulling away to look at him. He didn’t say anything, “I’ll stay and hold you.” I said.

 

We sat back down on the couch, and I held him again. We began talking.“You have been here for me for the past two weeks,” he started, “I haven’t been there for you.”

 

“It’s okay,” I comforted, “that’s what you do in a relationship. You take care of each other”

 

“No,” his voice was low, almost a whisper, “we were supposed to be a team. It’s not fair.”

 

I reminded him of his helpless state that occurred two weeks prior to our break up. “When you were lying on the couch lifeless and wouldn’t utter a word, I was able to make you laugh. I felt amazing that I was able to put a smile on your face.” I said this to him, in hope that he could see that that was how a relationship worked; when one partner is down the other provides support.

 

By this time he had gone through two stacks of napkins. After another thirty minutes or so, he asked me to sit while he took care from his wet laundry. In my attempt to lighten the mood, I cracked a joke and inadvertently sent him into another waterwork frenzy. At the mere words of, “I’m not your girlfriend anymore”, he choked and uttered in agony and clutched his chest, “Oh, god!”

 

I don’t know why I was being so good and caring towards him; he was the one that rejected me and our future together. I couldn’t see myself walking out that door and leave things on bad terms. It’s not me, it’s not my fashion. As he would say, “You’re the level-headed one in this relationship.” I really was.

 

I attempted to stay the night. He offered me the bed, but I declined. I wanted to cuddle with him one last time. Laid there in silent, I stared at his face. I looked at his lips, I wanted to kiss those lips. And I did. I went for it and whispered, “Let’s have one last night together.”

 

To my dismay, kissing him them was like kissing a stranger; there was no emotional connection. I felt nothing. I continued anyway. We got closer and started teasing each other. I enjoyed this part, because we hadn’t had this kind of foreplay since the beginning of our relationship. It was something that I’d been wanting from him for months and he refused to give it to me, because he hated being teased and thought that it was boring. This was my last night with him, and I wanted to make love to him MY way.

 

Again contrary to how passionate I imagined our love making would be, it left me feeling empty and cold. Laying back down in bed, I felt conflicted. Here, I was laying next to the man I love, I felt like he was nothing but a stranger to me now. I got up and left in the middle of the night. He tried to get me to stay until the early morning, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t bare the idea of having to say goodbye to him in the morning.

 

A week had past, I came on a Saturday afternoon to gather my things. I had prepared on how I would conduct myself all week, and I did amazing. When his door swung opened, I had a smile on my face. He greeted me solemnly. The apartment was dark and humid but orderly, to my surprise. He looked disgruntle. He hadn’t shaven in a week. He certainly set the ambience for the occasion.

 

“How are you?” He asked.

 

“As fine as I can be.” I downplayed my emotion. In all honesty, I was great all week. I had my sad moments, but I was clear headed and I had my vision of my future. So everything was dandy. The break up didn’t tear me apart. It was not in my nature to allow anybody to take away my happiness. “How are you?” I returned the friendly concern.

 

He pulled me in for a deep embrace, “I miss you.” He sobbed, “I miss you.”

 

I couldn’t say anything back. I was again, emotionless. I wanted to say it back, but the words didn’t come. Instead I pulled him in tighter, I didn’t want to let him go, I knew that much.

 

“I love you, baby.” He kissed my forward, “I love you baby.” He kissed my cheek, “I miss you.”

 

“I don’t know what I want.” He tearfully professed, “I don’t know what I want. Do you know what you want?”

 

“I thought we were having a fight. I thought I was just throwing a pissy fit. I thought we were gonna talk about it, and get over it like we always do.” I indirectly answered

 

“Let’s sit down and talk.” he pulled me to the couch. We said facing face to face.

 

“Damn you,” he started. “I haven’t cried since Monday. I was okay all week. And now you have to come and look wonderful. You couldn’t have worn one of your ugly pants.”

 

“I don’t have ugly pants.” I retorted defensively, “I just have workout pants.”

 

We needed to lighten the mood. That helped.

 

“I’ve been missing you these past couple of days.” He started again, “and I thought about it. I think I made the right decision.”

 

I felt a slight pang in my heart. Maybe he could see the pain on my face, he tearfully apologized over and over again.

 

“Don’t apologize.” I calmly said.

 

“Yes, I do.” He insisted, “I’m sorry.”

 

“You made the best decision for you.” I comforted him once again.

 

“You WERE the best.” He claimed. In the whole relationship, he never said I was his best anything, or favorite anything. It was I who always claimed that he was my favorite boyfriend and that he was the best. But, this day, he admitted to that I was his best. I felt a bit happy.

 

“I made an appointment with a psychologist.” He shared with me, almost proudly. He had been wanting to see one since after our first fight, and a week before we broke up.

 

I smiled, “I’m so proud of you. I’m happy to hear that.”

 

“Thank you. But it’s not until July 1st.” He continued to share.

 

“It’s too far away,” I disapproved of the date, “find another doctor, and one that’s closer to your work.”

 

He agreed and stated that he would. For a moment there, I felt like we were a couple again. He took my advice. But then reality hit when he nudged me to gather my things.

 

He helped me pack up, and monitored to make sure I kept all of his gifts and souvenir of our time together. He helped get my stuff to my car, and then it was down to the final goodbye.

 

We gave each other a final hug. “It’s getting real.” His voice cracked and tears started rolling again. I kissed his cheek, and uttered for the last time, “I love you.”

 

He told me to take care. I told him to not be a stranger. He then confronted me about de-friending him on Facebook. I felt guilty. I felt guilty after the moment I deleted him and all of our pictures together. I felt guilty when his best friend mentioned that he was upset that I deleted him. “I was hurt.” I responded, “I regretted it right after. I don’t want to cut you out of my life.”

 

“Add me back on whenever you’re ready.” These were his final words.

 

I got into my car, as he started his walk back to the apartment. He looked back with his sad puppy dog eyes as I watched him walk away. I smiled and blew him a kiss.

 

 

I hope some people can relate this story. It helps me not to feel so alone when I can read stories similar to mine.

[triniechu]

Thank you for that.

 

Your story is similar to mine. My boyfriend and I have been in love for about 2 and a half years, we've been having problems here and there. But I believed in our love, believed that our love can surpass our silly fights here and there. I'm guessing he got fed up. But the thing that really got me was when he said he didnt love me the same. He said "I love you more like a friend, I love you more like a brother." I was confused because he always said I'm the one he wants to be with and that he would always fight for our love. But this time he didnt. I was hurt and devastated. I reacted the same way you did, when he told me.

 

I'm not one to fight either. I'm a very caring and gentle person. I'm not one to yell and call him names. Being heartbroken is definitely a hard thing to go through, but I know ill let this pass eventually.

[LonelyIsland]

trinichue, I'm glad you can relate to my story.

 

I was very confused at the beginning, too--still am. He once told me being with me was the 2nd time he's been the happiest in his life. He was the one that talked about the future, I was the cautious one (by nature and from past experiences). There were problems in our relationship (mostly lack of communication from his side, and my dissatisfaction from our sex lives--he knew this), but I didn't see it as unfixable.

 

I am a fighter, and I fought for us to communicate in the relationship, and it was something that he struggled to do. However, I'm not a person to grovel at another person's feet when they tell me they don't love me. I gave all I could, and now I'm done giving. Shortly after the break up, I came to realization that I wasn't the problem, it was him. So, only he can fix his issues, and I can't be there to help.

 

Funnily, this is one of the easiest and hardest breakup I've faced. I feel a sense of liberation, but also empty at the same time. I've decided to use this time to achieve my goals, and occupy my time meeting new people and taking up new activities. It's helped that I have been constantly busy since the breakup and I have things to keep me excited about.

 

I believe that when you take care of yourself (i.e, making goals and completing them), then everything else will take care of itself.

 

Side note: I'm a very hopeful and optimistic person if you can't tell.

[triniechu]

We were in a long distance relationship. Well we lived about an hour and a half away, but we saw each other at least once a week, or every other week. I felt so much that we could've had a future together. He and I still lived with our parents, but I wanted us to work together and build our future. Also, when I didn't see him, I wanted attention whether it was text, phone call, FB and even IG. It may have a been a bit too much, but a girls got needs lol. I mean thats all I ever wanted from him, love, attention and his devotion. I never asked him for expensive things, I just wanted him.

 

Also, he is all over the place. His spending habits were out of control, and there were PLENTY of extra-curricular activities he wanted to do. Which was fine with me and i always supported everything he wanted to do. Whether it was heavy lifting, scottish events, going to conventions, starting a photography company and other things. He had a very open mind and wants to try everything. Which I never told him not to do any of those, i always encouraged him to do what he wanted. But sometimes, I had to bring him back to reality as well, that we really needed to work on paying of his bills and plan for the future. I started to see that our future wasn't his priority....I wasn't his priority. It was everything else. I stuck by his side through it all even when my family didn't approve of our relationship, through everything he's been wanting to do and just loving him for who he is and it had to come to this.

 

I thought our love was strong to get through this but unfortunately it wasn't. I know he still loves me and he misses me and i know he wants me back. I feel the same way. But i know in the long run it probably won't work. Not unless we both change. I did blame this on myself, im always so hard on myself. Thinking i could've asked for less attention and be more calm and prevent fights.

 

Now that I have cleared my head and cried out all my emotions, I can think clearly now. Also he mentioned he wanted to "explore"...whatever that means. A few friends think, there may have been someone else?? I don't know. But I think my final decision will be letting everything go. I mean even if he does want me back, I feel the trust isnt there. He promised to love me regardless of the circumstances and he did the total opposite.

[LonelyIsland]

Hi, I wrote a letter to my ex for my own closure a few weeks ago. He called for us to meet up after receiving it. He said the letter hit him and made him sad. Our meet up went really well. We aren't back together--he said he's not ready yet. He's working on personal and mental health issues.

 

I found out over the weekend that he dished outrcoffee date to his best friend and apparently he initially freaked out over the letter and called for an emergency beer with his best friend. I didn't ask his best friend why because everything I say and do goes back to my ex...

 

The letter for me as almost like a goodbye letter, I never expected for him to contact me. I asked why did he call me. He said I got to say my part, and he wanted to say his face to face. He admitted that he was happy with me and he took the easy way out when he was overwhelmed with life. Apologized for everything that happened. Told me he still misses me and loves me.

 

What popped into my mind why he freaked out was because he thought he was going to lose me forever.

 

LS, can you please give me some insight as the possible reasons for his freaking out?

[BC1980]

We need to know what was in the letter to better answer the question.

[SoThatHappened]

As BC said, we need a little more information as to what the letter contained.

 

LS, can you please give me some insight as the possible reasons for his freaking out?

Calling for an emergency beer with a buddy after receiving a letter from an ex is NOT freaking out. He needed someone to talk to and wanted advice.

 

That's good, though. That means you still mean something to him. If I received a letter from a girl I just hooked up with at a party 10 years ago, I wouldn't need to call a buddy for advice.

[mightycpa]

I'm wondering what difference it makes. You wrote an "almost goodbye" letter, and you got a response. You're either ready to say goodbye, or you're not.

 

If I can rearrange and slightly rephrase what you wrote above, you said:

 

He's working on personal and mental issues. We're not back together because he's not ready yet.

 

This is one of two things... either a break to allow him to get his **** together, or a breakup. Which is it?

 

If it is a breakup, do you want the long and drama filled drawn out kind? Or the short and definitely not sweet quick kind?

[mightycpa]

Also, I don't mean to be flip about this, but it astounds me how many people are willing to engage in and fight for relationships with people who suffer from "mental" problems.

 

I don't think they fully appreciate how difficult life would be with someone like that.

[LonelyIsland]

We need to know what was in the letter to better answer the question.

 

I addressed my side of the issues--or what I realized. I said everything I left unsaid and explained my actions. I was a bit closed off and I didn't know how to communicate my feelings well. I was fearful of the future. I told him I respected his decision. And I wanted to share my thoughts because he was the only one I cared to share myself with and wished him a happy life.

 

Mightycpa: I felt 100% free after I sent the letter. I never expected a call from him let alone a request for a coffee date. He's in therapy right now and might have depression because it's in his family. I'm questioning if that's something I could ever take on. However, our meet up felt extremely natural and like we never broke up. I don't feel connected to a lot of people so I treasure those that I feel connected with. When he (jokingly) said he might ask me on a date when he's ready., I made sure he understands that I will date others and I might consider the offer if I'm available. And he understood.

 

The breakup was harder on him than it was in me.

[mightycpa]

OK, that helps. Here's my male insight:

 

Tell him you're going to go NC for a while, because hearing from him is hard on you now. Tell him you'll call/text/whatever you do when you feel more comfortable. Ask him to respect your decision by not contacting you.

 

Do this because a) he's dealing with his maybe depression and now's the time and

b) because it is harder on him than it is on you.

 

At some point, you can check in on him, but unless you intend to come to his rescue, I'd make it a damn long time before you do.

[Chi townD]

I addressed my side of the issues--or what I realized. I said everything I left unsaid and explained my actions. I was a bit closed off and I didn't know how to communicate my feelings well. I was fearful of the future. I told him I respected his decision. And I wanted to share my thoughts because he was the only one I cared to share myself with and wished him a happy life.

 

 

 

Well, without the exact context of what you wrote. He might have freaked out thinking you were going to hurt yourself or worse and this was your "goodbye" letter.

[LonelyIsland]

Well, without the exact context of what you wrote. He might have freaked out thinking you were going to hurt yourself or worse and this was your "goodbye" letter.

 

This was not a suicide letter. Nothing in the letter suggested that either. It was actually a very positive letter--also a reflection of where I am in life. I said this was my "goodbye" letter as in, the end of him and I. I'm leaving the past in the past.

[STM206]

Also, I don't mean to be flip about this, but it astounds me how many people are willing to engage in and fight for relationships with people who suffer from "mental" problems.

 

I don't think they fully appreciate how difficult life would be with someone like that.

 

So people with mental health issues shouldn't have the chance of finding a life partner who supports and loves them? Mental health doesn't mean someone is psychotic or incapable of having a meaningful relationship.