ChiKi Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Please I need some advice, my MM is trying to end our A. What I mean by this is that I said I wanted to end it and I tried to talk to him about it but he began not responding at all to my mails. I then ignored and blocked him from IM. I then (like an idiot) unblocked him. He is still ignoring me. This is sooo painful, my self esteem is on the floor. The strange thing is, I knew of course that I was in love with him, but I really didn't think I would feel this bad if it were ever to end. I have been reading all the posts here and there is some very good advice, I just dont seem able to apply it. I was already having a bad time in my life, I have no friends or social life. I just feel that he picked on me because I was vunerable, I dont think he had any feelings for me at all. I did think so until now. He never said that he loved me but he did say that he was very fond of me and seemed to be falling in love with me. I must sound incredibly pathetic, I feel it, I also feel incredibly foolish. If I hadn't have ended this, I would never have known how little he cared for me. I don't feel I can get through the days.
Merin Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Your Ego is hurt.. You told him you wanted to end the affair, he took you up on that and I could be wrong here.. but it seems you told him you wanted to end the affair to see how far he would be willing to go to keep you instead he seems to have agreed that it needs to end, and that wasn't the response you were looking for. As difficult as it is to move on.. you really need to do that. Being Fond of someone isn't the same as being in Love with them.. IMO If this guy really cared about you the way you deserve to be cared for, he would've ended his marriage and made an honest effort to be in the relationship with you.. obviously he wasn't willing to do that. Start to invest in YOURSELF here. Get out and make new friends, find a social circle.. learn to love your own company... Breaking up regardless of circumstance is never easy.. but sometimes it is necessary in order to find real happiness.. don't you deserve that? I think you do Good Luck
MsMree Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 and i, too, have been guilty in the past of tell'g MM i wanted to end things to see how far he would go for me. I REALLY, REALLY, FEEL FOR YOU!!! But you have to move on any way you can - i'm sure you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. And you may not have many friends where you are, but let me tell you something - you can depend on the women on this site!! We can be your friends, but keep in mind you will be "kicked-in-the-butt" should you need it!! LOL! Keep posting/reading here! You will be in my thoughts!!! p.s. When i am feeling like you, i keep a journal and i let all the venom spill out on those pages - it truly helps. p.s.s. And another thing that helps: I think of MM in the nastiest, disgusting way(s) that i can and miraculously my need to contact him disappears (if only for a little while).
izzybelle Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 ChiKi, As MsMree said, i too, am sure you're much stronger than you give yourself credit for. with my 1st MM i knew he was struggling so much with his double life and i told him over and over that if he needed for me to back off and not complicate his life then i would. but it still hurt like he!! when he finally agreed that that was what he needed to do. and he ignored me for a while. i still see him around frequently and can honestly say that i'm over that relationship. from so many things he told me, i knew that it would only be a matter of time until he walked out on his wife. and more than a year after we ended, he did, but he's still struggling and he knows i'm here, as a friend only, for him if he needs it. you will get through this, the first few weeks, or longer are awful. and you'll find you're on the infamous rollercoaster of emotions. loving him, hating him, wanting to hurt him back somehow, wating to take back everything you've said, apologizing for wanting to end things, wanting to believe that you're better without him... and that last emotion will eventually win out. use this site. post when you need to. if you feel the need to talk to him, post here instead. there are a lot of current and ex OWs here who are willing to help however we can. this is hard to sometimes talk to RT friends about, many don't understand or have much empathy for what we go through. but as Mree said, you will occasionally get kicked in the butt here! take care of yourself. i think we all know what it feels like to have someone tromp on your heart and your self-esteem and i know i've felt so pathetic and foolish so many times. so for what it's worth, what you're feeling and going through over this is "normal". but please, from someone who's been through this PLEASE, PLEASE take care of yourself. it's too easy to fall into that dark hole and hard to climb back out. izzy
ChiKi Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Your Ego is hurt.. You told him you wanted to end the affair, he took you up on that and I could be wrong here.. but it seems you told him you wanted to end the affair to see how far he would be willing to go to keep you instead he seems to have agreed that it needs to end, and that wasn't the response you were looking for Quote, original poster-Merin Thankyou Merin for your reply and advice I think you are correct to some extent. I ended the A in a moment of hurt and anger, he had let me down on something very important. At that point I realised just how far down the list of priorities I was, however I still had difficulty accepting that. I ended the A thinking it would make him realise how mean it was to let me down on this matter. I had tried to let him know in other ways that it wasn't acceptable, he actually made some small attempt at fixing things and then proceeded to be cold as ice. That is when I ended the A. I didn't know what else to do and I panicked. I am still grasping I find, for some small scrap of remourse or affection. I keep going back and forth in my approach to him, his response is unwavering cool. Msmree, thankyou for your reply and advice. I know that you are right and that I should move on only I don't seem able to apply this. I see other people on here who are really strong, amazingly strong. I cannot, try as I might muster that kind of strength. It is my self-esteem, I don't feel that I can recover. It was already below ground level, the A lifted it up to about my knees, now it has crashed back down and I fear being in the place I was when it began. Izzybelle Thankyou, your reply and advice is extremely helpful. I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions. Did he ever explain to you afterward his reasons for ignoring you? With my MM, the way I see things now, he had/has no intention of leaving his wife. I am beginning to wonder from some things he has said, whether this was all revenge in some way on his part, to get back at her for not appreciating him. I just feel so low and I feel so worthless, I did not realise how much I was actually depending on this "relationship" to keep me from going under.
newby Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 chiki i think that it takes the most amount of strength to admit these things to yourself. its the people with the least strength who run around in denial telling themselves he does love me he will leave his wife. you have the strength already. you are no more foolish than any of the rest of us. you sound like you were at a really low place when this began, you'll find that is it the same for most people here. we were all needy of something, i know some people deny it but i think it is true of everyone that ends up in this situation. i dont mean ends up. its not how we are going to end up, is it now?
lynnered Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 i know you asked someone else but i may be helpful !! "Did he ever explain to you afterward his reasons for ignoring you?" feeling that he couldn't do anything to make things right with me he loved me but felt his reasons for not leaving were more important,his child. "With my MM, the way I see things now, he had/has no intention of leaving his wife." with my xmm he plans on leaving one day,i feel he is sincere but lacks balls. i am beginning to wonder from some things he has said, whether this was all revenge in some way on his part, to get back at her for not appreciating him" maybe ,maybe not he can only answer that one. II just feel so low and I feel so worthless, I did not realize how much I was actually depending on this "relationship" to keep me from going under." I'm going through the aftermath of this relationship right now its not fun ,he keeps iming &emailing me ,just as i was starting to feel better ,but you know what f*** them why are we Dependant on someone else for our happiness?? i was never like this before A ,i know you said you didn't have allot of friends ,so what,keep your mind busy ,keep posting here ,get mad &when he starts calling again ignore him ,sometimes things end &we don't know all the answers sometimes it better that way . good luck it gets better
izzybelle Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 ChiKi - Did he ever explain to you afterward his reasons for ignoring you? With my MM, the way I see things now, he had/has no intention of leaving his wife. I am beginning to wonder from some things he has said, whether this was all revenge in some way on his part, to get back at her for not appreciating him. yes. and whether it's all true, i don't know. but i will say one thing about this MM... he was always upfront and honest with me. and he didn't ignore me forever, just really until we both had healed enough that we could talk without feeling awkward. he told me he loved me (well... and he was really drunk each time he said it!!! ), but i knew that the relationship was much more physical than emotional. had it gone on longer it no doubt would have been harder to end. when things ended he told me that he knew in his heart that his marriage was pretty much over, it was a matter of when he'd leave, not if, but when. but after talking to some people, only his counselor knew about me, he knew that in order for him to feel that he was making the "best" decision, i needed to not be clouding his judgement and he needed to give it one more try. he needed to know it was over because it was over, and not because i was there waiting. and because of that, he needed to try to forget that i was there. because we are in some of the same social circles having complete NC was not a possibility, and the first month was pretty shaky.... now.... being in the same room with him is not a problem for me and i suspect not a problem for him. and i have no reason to believe that he and i will ever start a relationship again, even if he ends up being single. as for whether he did it as revenge...no, i don't think so. i know the whole A really stressed him out and it really had to end before she found out. he couldn't handle the "double-life", which is another reason he had to ignore me for a while. as for MM#2 my answer to that question is very different. and i will say that that thought has crossed my mind far tooooooo many times. i've often wondered if he wanted her to know, whether subconciously or not, the discovery almost seemed too easy. it was long distance but our communication was very careless. she'd be home and he'd be on the porch emailing me ALOT!!!!..... so whether it was for revenge for years of being unappriaciated, ignored, and perhaps not loved or whether it was an effort to give her a wake up call, i don't know. i do believe that he really did love me but he made a comment to me once that he didn't think he'd fall quite so in love with me, which is what has led me to wonder what the original motives may have been. no, i don't think he did it maliciously and like i said, it may not have even been a conscious decision, but i do think it's possible. hang in there and keep posting! izzy
ChiKi Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Thankyou all for more excellent advice, Newby, thankyou for the confidence, Lynnered and Izzybelle, listening to what you say, I can see there are no two situations exactly alike and I cannot expect to get answers about my relationship from anyone else. I cannot get them from him either. I should probably listen to the answers I am getting from myself, which aren't answers I particularly like. As you say Izzybelle, even in cases where he seems to have loved you very much the relationship will never be ideal, far from it.
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