BroknHrt Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I am having problems with women that I try to date. I've been with dates/liked/talked to 7 different women since I was dumped by my first love 8 months ago. (5 months no contact, she left for somebody else at that time). I only know what it's like to be in love with a woman, and I don't know how to take things slow. I get emotionally invested in each new girl and it ultimately backfires as I seem needy, desperate and clingy. I get too caught up too quickly and I know this is a problem of mine. It's like I try to force something that is not even there yet. I over analyze and push. How do I fix this? What are some steps I can take to fix this problem of mine?
mightycpa Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Date more than one girl at a time. It will give you perspective on all of them. Three is a good number. Oh, and don't be a douchebag either. Be confident and clear that you're seeing other girls. Not all of them will like it, but that's ok. You're in training. 3
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 When you meet these women don't think about what you can do for them. Step back & be selfish. Think about what they can do for you. 2
Strength in Healing Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I feel ya brother. Once you're used to the routine of a relationship, it's easy to scare away future dates after you break up with your ex. I kind of just started being a jerk. Sadly, girls appreciate this more. They say they don't, yet whenever I act like a jerk, they can't get enough. Sad.
Dork Vader Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 This whole jerk mentality is complete BS. It works for short term game that is it. You'll get laid and have a short fling. The being a jerk does not lay a solid foundation for a relationship. The women that are attracted to it are NOT women you want a relationship. If you're capable of it you can talk to multiple woman at once. But I've found that it never goes well. 1. It's expensive paying for dates adds up. 2. It can be hard to keep track of who is who and once you confuse them you're done. Lot's of other issues.. I tried dating 4 woman at once I became overwhelmed and exhausted. That said you need to quit trying to replace your ex and start to just have FUN. The idea is to get to know them. It's okay to like them. But you don't need to tell them that right off the bat. Your actions of wanting to talk and see them is more then enough. No need for I miss you, I like you or any of that garbage until you two are a couple. Let things happen on their own.. Don't worry about anything else. 2
genuinelyloverly7 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Hi Hrt- I am a woman who tends to do the same thing, and I agree with SIH, you just need to give yourself a little perspective on their awesomeness. Yes, these women are likely great, otherwise you wouldn't be attracted to them. But once you realize that the majority of women are decent in most of the same ways you'll stop seeing the little things in such a big way (for example- most women are genuinely appreciative of your gentlemanly manners- opening doors or covering her popcorn tab during a Dutch movie date...) if not then they aren't likely for you. Then you'll be able to look at your actual comparability, and potential long term reality in a more balanced way. Good luck!
smackie9 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I totally understand your desire to fill in the void with someone new, and it can't happen fast enough. You still need more time to adjust not having someone in your life, or be dependant on someone to be there all the time. Stop looking for a life mate and just enjoy female company....be single for awhile, try a variety of experiences. Also build up a social life, making new friends, getting into a few new interests and hobbies. Realize your own identity and build up your indepenance, and hopefully that will get rid of your dependancy to find someone.
GemmaUK Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I feel ya brother. Once you're used to the routine of a relationship, it's easy to scare away future dates after you break up with your ex. I kind of just started being a jerk. Sadly, girls appreciate this more. They say they don't, yet whenever I act like a jerk, they can't get enough. Sad. I just posted on another thread about men who over-text. All too much too soon just like the OP is referring to drive me crazy in a not good way and is a total turn off for me. I'm curious SIH, what do you actually 'do' to be that jerk? This isn't meant to be inflammatory at all - I guess I am wondering about 'levels' of jerk-ness. See, I like some intrigue and challenge with a guy and want to get to know him gradually..but for me that means I need a man who doesn't require constant reassurance....or contact. OP, all I can think is to set some boundaries for her (but for you to stick to also..being the main thing). If you were applying for a job you wouldn't keep calling them to see how all the other interviews are going..you would back off and do some waiting. In that waiting time you may well find a better job. With women treat them somewhere in between that great job and that fantastic toy you got when you were 5. Both were awesome. Another toy trumps the one you got as a gift though as you waited, you saved, you saw it each week and you actively behind the scenes worked for it. Same with the job. Same with the girl. Great toys are great (as are great jobs). But you never actually really love them as much as you do the one that you were patient about.
Author BroknHrt Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 When I realize that a girl is actually interested in me, I become aggressive and lose myself in the process. I'm not normally a needy, desperate and clingy person, but I get so excited that a new woman is interested that I turn into this person that I think she wants to see. In reality, this is the exact opposite of what they want. However, I have this instinct(bad) where I believe if I'm selfish and do not portray my level of interest up front that these women will not be interested. In general, I am a nice guy and would do anything to ensure the happiness of another person(I once picked up a homeless guy and brought him back to the house to eat dinner with me and a friend..haha) Yet, this backfires when trying to build attraction with a potential suitor. Thanks for the advice guys. The analogy with the job was perfect.
Strength in Healing Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I'm curious SIH, what do you actually 'do' to be that jerk? Act like I'm busy. Make myself the priority. Not be a "nice guy". I do say sweet things still because I am that at heart, so my gf appreciates those comments all that much more cuz it isn't common. I also act selfish. Cocky. Like I don't care. Not afraid to get into fights if I have to. Then again, I am in law enforcement and deal with physical altercations all the time, so I guess some or most of those above traits have become my actual personality. You see the dark side of humanity often enough, you forgot how to turn on the lights. Was the first responder to an accident the other day. Drunk driver hit two motorcyclists. I won't go into detail about the gore, but those things change you over time. 2
smackie9 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 When I realize that a girl is actually interested in me, I become aggressive and lose myself in the process. I'm not normally a needy, desperate and clingy person, but I get so excited that a new woman is interested that I turn into this person that I think she wants to see. In reality, this is the exact opposite of what they want. However, I have this instinct(bad) where I believe if I'm selfish and do not portray my level of interest up front that these women will not be interested. In general, I am a nice guy and would do anything to ensure the happiness of another person(I once picked up a homeless guy and brought him back to the house to eat dinner with me and a friend..haha) Yet, this backfires when trying to build attraction with a potential suitor. Thanks for the advice guys. The analogy with the job was perfect. Whatever you are doing now, do the opposite. Don't try to win their attention.
Enjaycee Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Same thing happened with me and my last girlfriend, except we both were really into each other and got to investing ourselves deeply into each other during the first month or so. But then we got into a lot of fights as we were discovering things about each other, and thus signified the end of the honeymoon phase, a breakup, and now we are working on getting back together. This time we are trying to take things slow. I still sometimes get the urge to try to move things along, but most of the time I will stop myself and think of why I got myself into my situation in the first place. What works for me in taking things slow is focusing on myself more often than focusing on her. I try to stay busy at work, I go work out a lot, and I hang with my friends on occasion. During conversations, if I have to leave to take care of something, then I will let her know I have to go and talk to her later, and then contact her after a few hours. But then later on I set aside time just to be there for her, it's kind of like scheduling meetings/interactions. Those are just a few examples. Don't give too much of yourself so soon when starting out. More often than not, patience is key when dating someone new.
GemmaUK Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Act like I'm busy. Make myself the priority. Not be a "nice guy". I do say sweet things still because I am that at heart, so my gf appreciates those comments all that much more cuz it isn't common. I also act selfish. Cocky. Like I don't care. Not afraid to get into fights if I have to. Then again, I am in law enforcement and deal with physical altercations all the time, so I guess some or most of those above traits have become my actual personality. You see the dark side of humanity often enough, you forgot how to turn on the lights. Was the first responder to an accident the other day. Drunk driver hit two motorcyclists. I won't go into detail about the gore, but those things change you over time. I'm only replying to the first paragraph here. You're not a jerk. That is considering yourself of value (ignoring the cocky bit). Male or female should stand up for themselves..so..fights/disagreements are part of getting to know someone. Otherwise we never know that person at all and they are..a doormat who we walk over...because they let us. It's not nice on either side when that happens. You're not a jerk SIH. You set boundaries. You stick up for yourself. Carry on as you are. Be confident, not cocky though!
GemmaUK Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Then again, I am in law enforcement and deal with physical altercations all the time, so I guess some or most of those above traits have become my actual personality. You see the dark side of humanity often enough, you forgot how to turn on the lights. Was the first responder to an accident the other day. Drunk driver hit two motorcyclists. I won't go into detail about the gore, but those things change you over time. And this.. Harsh. Real life and how hard it can be. I count myself lucky that in my life I have only seen 5 people who had died/while they died. You will see more, your job entails that. Death is part of life. Cracks you up sometimes though..
Joaquin Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 I think multi dating helps a lot initially. Your keeping your options open because you have options. Don't ask her out at the end of each date or the next day. Wait a while between asking her out. Let her come to you. Keep busy. This new person is NOT your life. Dont text a lot. And if you do its to arrange stuff. Not talk crap.
mightycpa Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 The law of large numbers dictates that most women you meet will not be interested in you, at least, not for long. There are exceptions: You're incredibly good looking You have an incredibly good physique You've been recommended by a trusted friend You're incredibly rich You're very well connected socially and the most likely one, You genuinely hit it off. That just doesn't happen with everybody.
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