Charmed_29 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I'm genuinely at a loss with what to do, my previous post about my bf gives a general outline of my situation and it's only getting worse, it has escalated to violence now (choking me and throwing me resulting in numerous bruises which I have photos of) which started because he messaged a ex being rude which was supposedly a joke with his friends.... Not funny to me :-( now everytime we row he either smashes things, pushes me or throws things, I'm called names. I still haven't met any of his friends after a year and I'm constantly punished for not doing what he thinks is right. He has been staying with me for the past month whilst looking for somewhere to live (he leaves Friday) during this time I've done everything for him including getting up at 6 to make his lunch when I have work too and I really am trying to not be paranoid and trust him but he constantly lies to me. And apparently it's my fault he lies and gets so angry because I am too sensitive and my kids are too much for him.... I've tried speaking to him about my feelings and how things are getting worse and how I feel that we are going backwards but he always manages to sweet talk me but nothing ever changed. I actually do know what to do but I don't have the strength anymore. I'm so good to him and it's broken my heart to think I don't deserve the same back. Any advise about to how to pick myself up and finally wall away from a situation that's clearly never going to change??
PegNosePete Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 (edited) You are in an abusive relationship. If he is violent towards you then you need to CALL THE COPS immediately. It is not acceptable in ANY circumstance for one human being to do to another, the things he does to you. This situation is not going to get any better. Do you really think that he is going to wake up one day and think oh how badly I have been treating Charmed_29 all these years, I must stop hitting her and buy her some flowers instead? NO sorry, that is NEVER going to happen. He is a violent abuser and is being rewarded for his actions, with having his lunch made, you being super-nice to him, etc. Why on earth would he change? He will carry on being like that until something MAKES him change. If that isn't enough for you then think about your kids. Would you want them to be in a situation like the one you're in? You are TEACHING them that this is a normal relationship. What do you think they are learning from your relationship with this guy? Even if you can't eject this abuser from your own life, eject him from theirs, please! Edited August 19, 2014 by PegNosePete 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 You just have your priorities straight...what's more important to you? your kids and yourself, or some random who says he loves you but treats you like a punching bag...what kind of life is that for you and your kids? Look, it doesn't matter what you say or how you try to talk to him about this...actions speak louder than words, and in this case you have allowed this behavior to reoccur over and over again with you...you've never taken the actions necessary to prevent anymore of this, you allow yourself to be sweet talked by this guy because you want to believe this guy will change, but it's obvious to anyone with experience that people don't. You need to have a higher level of respect and regard for yourself, and as long as you prioritize men and let them treat how however they feel like, they're going to continue to push you until you can draw the boundaries and stop the abuse...by not being apart of it, by calling the cops, by not being intimidated or manipulated..and ultimately knowing better than trusting your feelings and letting this guy go that's no good for you. Nobody can instill that mindset within you but yourself, it's something you have to accept, you've to accept the hard truths and you need to be able to do things that you might not otherwise feel like doing...you need to do what's right for the sake of what's right by you instead of just being a doormat because you're too afraid the guy is going to leave you...there's no amount of positive treatment that will help you either, the more you do the more he will step all over you...because you're being doormat, it's like saying to someone "Hey I don't mind you crapping all over my face, I'll talk tough to you maybe but then I'll keep treating you right and I'll let you convince me with a few sweet words and lies that I hope will come true but never will". Less complaining, less whining, less excuses on your part...do the right thing, make the hard choices and accept the consequences, that's how you become strong. You will very likely not be treated right until you learn to do that for yourself..and sooner than latter, you stop it before it gets to this point.
Raena Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I've been where you are and the only way you are going to end the craziness is to GET AWAY FROM HIM. Don't get suckered into believing that he loves you, again... he doesn't. A man who really loves a woman is NOT going to treat her the way he's treating you. You can do this... make it happen... if not for you, then for your kids.
Gaeta Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 You do NOT love him. You are experiencing Stockholm syndrome. He has deprived you of all self-worth and good judgment. You need to contact a domestic violence hotline and talk to them. When he leaves Friday change the locks. Once he's away tell him it's over. Go to your local police department and report him. 3
Zahara Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 If you can't leave for the betterment of yourself, then leave for the betterment of your children. That should be your motivation. You don't love him. As Gaeta mentioned, he has stripped you of your self-esteem and the ability to tell right from wrong. Abuse strips and diminishes one of their sense of self and worth. And soon, your children will mimic their surroundings and develop into adults with emotional issues. It's a viscious cycle. Start thinking of your children, if anything. He's not going to change. He may profess to change when you leave but as soon as you go back, he will get into his patterns. They don't change. 1
mightycpa Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Maybe for a little perspective, you should change the title of this thread to: How do I leave someone who beats me and abuses me? Then it won't seem so hard. 4
RonaldS Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Maybe for a little perspective, you should change the title of this thread to: How do I leave someone who beats me and abuses me? Then it won't seem so hard. Or perhaps How do I leave an a-hole who has zero respect for me as a human being? 1
longjohn Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I'm genuinely at a loss with what to do, my previous post about my bf gives a general outline of my situation and it's only getting worse, it has escalated to violence now (choking me and throwing me resulting in numerous bruises which I have photos of) which started because he messaged a ex being rude which was supposedly a joke with his friends.... Not funny to me :-( now everytime we row he either smashes things, pushes me or throws things, I'm called names. I still haven't met any of his friends after a year and I'm constantly punished for not doing what he thinks is right. He has been staying with me for the past month whilst looking for somewhere to live (he leaves Friday) during this time I've done everything for him including getting up at 6 to make his lunch when I have work too and I really am trying to not be paranoid and trust him but he constantly lies to me. And apparently it's my fault he lies and gets so angry because I am too sensitive and my kids are too much for him.... I've tried speaking to him about my feelings and how things are getting worse and how I feel that we are going backwards but he always manages to sweet talk me but nothing ever changed. I actually do know what to do but I don't have the strength anymore. I'm so good to him and it's broken my heart to think I don't deserve the same back. Any advise about to how to pick myself up and finally wall away from a situation that's clearly never going to change?? This is unbelievable, I'd echo the advice given by others and say you need to get out right away and stay far away from this guy. As a man I'd never treat a woman like this. The guy obviously has issues and you don't need to sit around waiting for him to change. The chances are he won't ever change.
GemmaUK Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 It's as simple as...do you want to die..now? If not..leave. My mum was first married to a guy like yours. The last night she spent with him he threw the dinner she cooked at the wall...he then threw her at the same wall... She left with only the clothes on her back. She met and married my dad sometime later. If she hadn't left her first husband I wouldn't be here today to post. She wouldn't have lived as long as she did.
Georgia2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 If I hadn't left my abusive ex I would be dead. He drugged me, abused me emotionally and physically and raped me. It's been two years since I left him. I am still hearing his abusive words that I lived with for six months. You need to leave if not for you then for your children. It's only a matter of time before he abuses one of them. I hope I'm wrong. But if he has no problem abusing you a grown woman then why would he hesitate to abuse your kids?
SYLLPalmer Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I'm genuinely at a loss with what to do, my previous post about my bf gives a general outline of my situation and it's only getting worse, it has escalated to violence now (choking me and throwing me resulting in numerous bruises which I have photos of) which started because he messaged a ex being rude which was supposedly a joke with his friends.... Not funny to me :-( now everytime we row he either smashes things, pushes me or throws things, I'm called names. I still haven't met any of his friends after a year and I'm constantly punished for not doing what he thinks is right. He has been staying with me for the past month whilst looking for somewhere to live (he leaves Friday) during this time I've done everything for him including getting up at 6 to make his lunch when I have work too and I really am trying to not be paranoid and trust him but he constantly lies to me. And apparently it's my fault he lies and gets so angry because I am too sensitive and my kids are too much for him.... I've tried speaking to him about my feelings and how things are getting worse and how I feel that we are going backwards but he always manages to sweet talk me but nothing ever changed. I actually do know what to do but I don't have the strength anymore. I'm so good to him and it's broken my heart to think I don't deserve the same back. Any advise about to how to pick myself up and finally wall away from a situation that's clearly never going to change?? Simplicity. I heard this in an AA meeting and it applies because you by definition are currently insane. That is you are repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.... At this meeting a haggard looking but cheerful women achieved one year of sobriety. She shared how it took her 19 years to do this. She said it was the word of her loyal husband who simply said that day one year before "Sometimes you just gotta make a decision." And that was it. You make the decision and you bust your butt to stick with it. Your priority becomes honoring your decision. It will be hard but it gives you simple direction in a time of great chaos and pain. It matters not what or who abuses us. When we are broken we need direction and simplicity. Get the help you need to find the way.
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 You leave him by thinking about your kids' safety & your own mental health. How can you continue to love somebody who causes so much pain in your life? Look at this logically & chose to walk away. You will be better for it. You aren't getting anything out of this relationship except aggravation.
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