Letting it go vs live and let live

[merrmeade]

I think all I really need to ask is this:

 

Is it really necessary to get all the details of the affair(s) to heal? What if the WS just can't because of toxic shame?

Edited August 19, 2014 by merrmeade

[dichotomy]

I think all I really need to ask is this:

 

Is it really necessary to get all the details of the affair(s) to heal? What if the WS just can't because of toxic shame?

 

 

All depends. What details are we talking about? certainly who, how long, what communications were used, and why....are important. I think wanting to see any emails or messages or texts can also be useful. Sometimes getting into very small details such as sexual acts, can be a door you can't close again. But things like protection and STD's are important. its up to the BS to determine what they need to know.

 

I think shame can be a part of the reason some WS dont want to share, sometimes also maybe they wish to avoid hurting their BS more, but sadly some of times the real reason is the WS wishes to simply avoid more repercussions for how "bad" their behavior really was, not that they feel that bad about it.

[Ronni_W]

I think all I really need to ask is this:

 

Is it really necessary to get all the details of the affair(s) to heal? What if the WS just can't because of toxic shame?

No...I don't think that every person's healing necessarily requires all the damning, demonish details. Further, I would suggest that those who think or feel that they first require all such details make sure that they really do need and want them...and to really, really, really know their own, personal 'why'.

 

I know I am going against all kinds of professionals with 40 and 80 years' experience...but I really believe it is a personal thing.

For myself, I cannot see how my knowing "intimate" details of what he did, and how, and when could further my own wanting to reconcile with, forgive or understand him.

 

If I DID feel the need for details, on the other hand, I wouldn't give a shyte about his "toxic shame"...which in itself may have a definition that is unique to the WS or to the BS or to the couple. I would be wary of trying to make this a "one size fits all" term.