Want to believe...but can't

[HKPat]

All right, here goes nothing I guess.

So, I have been with my girlfriend now for over 8 months and generally our relationship is very good. We both truly love each other and she is already planning our future...which I do not mind.

 

 

Now she has been in her home country for 2 months visiting family and friends and we have been talking a lot during this time...she also knows my fears of infidelity, as I had been cheated on before, and has always been very reassuring and supportive when I had doubts - which has been a great help for me.

 

 

This morning I wanted to check on my FB account (on a computer I normally don't use that often) and found myself in her account instead.

To be more precise - in her FB messages page.

The first thing I see is a nude picture of her, that she had send to someone.

 

 

Of course now I investigate and copied the whole conversation to Word and had it translated.

 

 

What I found shocked me to the core...

 

 

As I read through the history (which goes way back before we met) it becomes very clear that they used to have a thing together - never actually mentioning more than spending time together...but between the lines it becomes very clear.

 

 

And she is still talking with him - and...they were planning meet ups while she was over there.

 

 

Now - I have no proof that they actually met up...but just the thought and intention of meeting up...

 

 

What I did next might not have been the most productive move, but I immediately called her.

Woken from her sleep and accused by me of cheating on her she remained calm...???

This is the part that gets me.

 

 

When one of my best friends confronted his girlfriend she was cheating on him she almost killed him in a flight of fury.

 

 

So she remains calm, tells me that they used to be an item way back and that they did indeed meet up once during her stay, but nothing happened.

She tells me, that she does not want to cheat on me, that she loves me way to much for that and would not want to jeopardize what we have.

I tell her then about the picture (oh, by this time she knows I accidentally logged into her FB account...to which she was not happy, but as I assured her it was a coincidence, she just told me to please log out....) and she calmly tells me, that she did not actually intent on sending it and does not know, why in the end she did.

So I tell her I don't believe her, that she cheated on me.....basically I go on and on - she remains calm the entire time and even swears on it and promises me she has not (which normally gets her angry if I ask for such extreme measures).

 

 

I tell her that I just need to know - I don't care what happened, but the unknowing is killing me

She still says nothing happened and that she only loves me.

She writes me a heart with the phrase - Unbreakable Love -

 

 

Now...I do want to believe her, and...I do trust her as she has never given me any indication not to - and has been very good with me being suspicious and generally mistrusting.

 

 

But - something tells me there is more to this - something tells me that there must be more to this...it is not logical otherwise....

 

 

Am I just driving myself insane over something that most likely has a harmless explanation?

[Leaving]

Trust your gut chances are she has visited him and already hooked up she has been gone 2 months plenty of time to meet her ex

[d0nnivain]

I have no idea whether she had sex with him but the fact that after debating with herself she sent nude pictures of herself to another guy is a bad sign. I'd break up with her based on her lack of judgment & proper boundaries just for that.

[JS84]

I'm not sure what to tell you. Her explanation is entirely plausible. Plus her reaction based on how you described it doesn't really scream "cheater". However the fact that she actually met this guy in itself and she is still talking to him, to me anyway, is a red flag. If it were me I'd probably end it, not because she's necessarily cheating but just because I'd be too paranoid after that and that's not how I'd want a relationship to make me feel. It doesn't sound like she really has a good sense of boundaries in a relationship. You combine that with someone who has a history and fear of being cheated on and you simply have a match that doesn't really work. And to be honest going from your reaction it doesn't really sound like you should be in a relationship at this point in time until you deal with your own insecurities.

[Appreciate]

Sending nude pics to another man IS cheating.

 

She's your woman, and if she doesn't feel that way, maybe she should not be in a relationship with you.

 

Her explanation is BS.

 

"Nothing happened" .. wake up, friend. She cheated on you and is manipulating you. She may even still be in contact with this guy or the next time she goes to visit.

 

Snooping is okay if you are suspicious. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You deserve to know if you've been cheated on.

[martaldn]

so she sent a nude picture of herself to the guy that used to be her BF and she DOESNT know why she did it?

wait for her to come back and then confront her but things are screaming out loud that something smelly is going on between them 2 and if she hasnt physically cheated already sending a naked picture is definitely a "apéritif" !

[James-London]

i agree with what everyone said above. Basically, cheating is doing something behind your partner's back that you would not do in front of them. If she thought it was OK to meet him behind your back, why didn't she tell you about it?

 

Its a breach of trust. If she had sex with him, it would be worse, that's true. but its still all in the same category. Its still all cheating and lying to cover up cheating.... the accidental sending of a nude photo is a smoking gun. it is an insult to your intelligence that she says she doesn't know how that happened.

 

i think you made an error by bearing your soul about a fear of cheating. i like to be very open too, but it has never done me any favours. knowing this was your vulnerability probably acted like a moth to a flame. it made the cheating all the more naughty and somehow attractive.

 

if you want to know the truth, know that she will likely not admit this willingly. with my ex, she lied for 5 MONTHS about what happened. Then I sat next to her and asked to to call the other man to confirm what happened while I was next to her... This is what made her finally admit to the truth. If there is a language barrier, maybe she has a friend she could confirm this with, while you are listening in? If you choose the above approach, it will only work once. You need to surprise her so she cannot prepare more lies to cover up.

 

On the other hand, if she does admit the truth, the relationship will really not be fixable. The fact that she knows that you know really makes there no way to go. Whatever she has done, realise that she cannot undo it. She can only apologise and try to do it better in the future.... if that is enough for you, then go for the truth. if not, then maybe not knowing the truth is better than losing her?

 

James.

[JS84]

Oh I stand corrected if she sent the nude pictures recently. I was under the impression the nude picture was sent before you started dating her along with everything else you read. If that's the case then ya she most likely cheated sorry to say.

[fellini]

You say you were cheated on in the past. You are now with another person who is doing "inappropriate" (to say the least) things.

 

Why haven't you moved on already? Tell her, I'm sorry, I've been hurt before, and Im not going to get scammed again. It's over, because she is unable to give you a satisfactory explanation for what she has done.

 

The first time, it's bad luck, sh-t happens. If you let it happen again, it's a decision on your part.

[bubbaganoosh]

If it's me, I would tell her that as far as your concerned sending a nude picture of herself to her old BF is cheating so she's free to take it up a notch with him if she already hasn't and when she gets back, not to bother making any contact with you and let her know that your done.

 

If she says she loves you, send her the nude photo she sent him and let her know that she has a real *****ty way of showing it.

 

Your getting a preview of things to come in the future with her so why take the chance and get more involved when you see what she's already done.

[lolablue17]

The main issue is her actions and behavior.

 

A. She is hiding from you her meet up with the ex.

B. She is sending him a nude pic of her. (Of course, without telling you)

C. She can't supply any explanation for the nude pic.

 

So, what pattern do we see here?:

 

1. she is constantly secretive with you. hiding major disturbing stuff.

2. She gives you the information only after you caught her.

3. She tells you only things you can know or figure out from the conversation. (Remember, you woke her up and she doesn't remember exactly what's written in the conversation). She doesn't tell you anything new... So what is the chance that all the facts exist are inside the FB chat? (very low)

4. A nude pic?????!!!! What the ****?!

 

If she loves you so much why did she hide major stuff (meeting with an ex is a major thing) from you? Why did she do it anyway? Why did she send him a nude pic, you have to click at least 3-4 buttons intentionally in order to send a pic to somone's FB box.

 

Well, it doesn't look good. I belive she didn't cheat with sex. (How do i know? maybe she did). But her secretive behavior and the poor explanations she gives you, point huge doubts about her reliability.

 

"Hey girl, you were just busted and got caught hiding from your bf nude pics... secret meetings.... and the thing that you care about is asking him to log out from your FB immediately???"

 

It's probably to prevent him to see other evidence. very suspicious

Edited August 19, 2014 by lolablue17

[aliveagain]

HKPat anything she can't do in front of you regarding another man is probably cheating. Meeting him without telling you about their history or about the meeting is probably cheating. Sending him naked sexual pictures of herself is absolutely cheating. She just gave you a view of your future with her, it seems your views of fidelity differ. This would be a good time to tell her to stay as long as she wants because your future won't include another man or infidelity. You now know she's a cheater and anything from this point forward is on you. Ask her what she is willing to do to prove she hasn't been unfaithful, will she take a polygraph test when she gets home(your always your strongest at time of confrontation)? If she says no you probably have the answer you need.

Edited August 19, 2014 by aliveagain

[No Limit]

If it helps you OP, there's a "Cheating, Flirting, Jealousy" section in this forum for non-married people. About 80% of the infidelity reported/discovered there comes from girlfriends/boyfriends meeting their exes.

[HKPat]

Thank you all very much for the comments and insights - I feel right at home here.

 

 

First of all I would like to share an update on the situation - which is not changing my resolve that this relationship is not going to work out.

She apologized - more than I expected.

Guess she realized that she cannot take back what she did and she will now lose.

Her first reaction was anger - which within 5 minutes turned to her being sorry, her asking if I still loved her and her being generally apologetic and regretting what she had done.

I replied just by asking her, why she had done it - again, no answer.

 

 

Ironically she genuinely is concerned, that I will end it, that she will be alone.

But...something tells me that the only reason she is acting this way is, that she knows she f***** up and is now trying to clear her conscious. Well - not with me.

 

 

Fellini - thank you for the very good point.

This has helped my decision a lot, and I asked myself the same question last night, which let me to my decision to not continue this rather self destructive relationship.

 

 

lolablue17 - I don't think she cheated with sex either - but then, that might only be a matter of time.

And I will not be the butt end of that joke again.

 

 

JS84 - thank for the brutal and honest truth about myself here. Much appreciated.

It really is...when we began the relationship I felt so good - I mean, for the first time in years I actually trusted a person fully.

We were apart a lot especially in the beginning, me traveling a lot on business...and never did I have any doubts. Nothing at all.

I guess the gut feeling really is more powerful than I thought - because those feelings of insecurity and doubt just popped up one day.

 

 

I have taken the first step to be immune to any further pain and damage and want to thank you all again.

 

 

Knowing me - if it had not been for this forum, I would most likely have believed all she said, about not cheating on me, about it being a silly mistake, about her loving me more than anything, about her wanting a family and about her asking me to marry her....all of it.

But thanks to the comments and support that I received here - I will be one less idiot falling for this crap and thus say farewell to a manipulative and cheating b****.

 

 

Thanks all

 

 

My last message to her just read, that as long as she cannot give me an actual explanation, I don't see any point in continuing any kind of dialogue.

[HKPat]

i agree with what everyone said above. Basically, cheating is doing something behind your partner's back that you would not do in front of them. If she thought it was OK to meet him behind your back, why didn't she tell you about it?

 

Its a breach of trust. If she had sex with him, it would be worse, that's true. but its still all in the same category. Its still all cheating and lying to cover up cheating.... the accidental sending of a nude photo is a smoking gun. it is an insult to your intelligence that she says she doesn't know how that happened.

 

i think you made an error by bearing your soul about a fear of cheating. i like to be very open too, but it has never done me any favours. knowing this was your vulnerability probably acted like a moth to a flame. it made the cheating all the more naughty and somehow attractive.

 

if you want to know the truth, know that she will likely not admit this willingly. with my ex, she lied for 5 MONTHS about what happened. Then I sat next to her and asked to to call the other man to confirm what happened while I was next to her... This is what made her finally admit to the truth. If there is a language barrier, maybe she has a friend she could confirm this with, while you are listening in? If you choose the above approach, it will only work once. You need to surprise her so she cannot prepare more lies to cover up.

 

On the other hand, if she does admit the truth, the relationship will really not be fixable. The fact that she knows that you know really makes there no way to go. Whatever she has done, realise that she cannot undo it. She can only apologise and try to do it better in the future.... if that is enough for you, then go for the truth. if not, then maybe not knowing the truth is better than losing her?

 

James.

 

 

 

Thanks a lot for the insightful different angle

I do see where you are coming from, and the thought had crossed my mind. I do love her...and I know that for the next few months I will be miserable and question my decision several times over.

On the other hand - I cannot be in a relationship where I am constantly suspicious, constantly on the look out for signs of infidelity....it would tear me apart.

 

 

I told her yesterday, that it actually hurts not being able to believe her anymore, not being able to trust her...and it does.

But rather a painful ending, than never ending pain.

 

 

It's just time to move on...

[beach]

Who supports her lifestyle? How can she travel for two months that fr away?

 

Who did she say she went to visit?

[lolablue17]

You know, I read you and I'm so proud of the way you handle the situation.

 

I read here hundreds of stories, and I know that so much pain could be prevented if any man would have acted the way you act.

 

It's very hard to find the right way with all the distractions around. Your true love sometimes leads you to believe too many lies and deceptions.

 

You show here such a clear analyzing ability, also an ability to put aside all the irelevant noises and to focus on what's important, the ability to seek and listen to other people view to sharpen your thoughts, and to stand up for you principles and implement hard decisions. it's admirable.

 

I wish you all the best in the world!

Edited August 20, 2014 by lolablue17

[Try]

I tell her then about the picture (oh, by this time she knows I accidentally logged into her FB account...to which she was not happy, but as I assured her it was a coincidence, she just told me to please log out....) and she calmly tells me, that she did not actually intent on sending it and does not know, why in the end she did.

She says that she does not know why she sent an ex-lover, that she is secretly meeting up with on this trip, a nude picture of herself, because there is no innocent answer. A major survey shows that, even when confronted with solid proof, the vast majority of cheaters will not admit to their cheating, so forget expecting her to ever tell you the truth on this. Cheaters believe that what you think does not matter, so that as long as they do not admit to the truth of them cheating, you cannot hold them accountable. When asked how he got people to believe the unbelievable, a famous con man once said that it is easy to get people to believe anything as long as they want to believe. You want to believe that she did not cheat, so when she wakes full up and has time to think about it, be prepared for her spinning you a phony story about the nude photo.

 

You are not going to get a photo of them having sex on FaceBook, and she is not going to admit to cheating, so you have to go with what you got. It is rare that the cheated on get such solid proof as you have, so you need to admit to yourself that she is cheating with this other man, and decide what you are going to do about it. You do not need her permission to use your brain to reach a decision and act. You are lucky that you found out about her cheating ways prior to marrying her. It may hurt now to beak up with her, but it would hurt a lot more if you found out after marriage and children. I am sorry that you are here. Be well and good luck.

Edited August 20, 2014 by Try

[Lovemesomehim]

Wishing you the best