utwonderwoman Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Those of you familiar with my situation will know of it's ups and downs. brief recap: engaged to this man for 2.5 years. The love of my life broke up with me. He moved back to Louisiana and never even told me. I found out because I was trying to return some of his items to him and get final closure. He never even said goodbye. The weekend before we broke up; I helped him at a trade show in another state. He just kept telling me how much he loved me and appreciated me being there to support him. The day we were flying home, on my birthday and 6:00 am in the New Orlean airport he broke up with me. I just couldn't understand it. How can someone love you and then let go so quickly. He just dropped my stuff off at my door a few weeks later when I wasn't home and then left without even saying goodbye. He never even said goodbye. My heart is broken in a million pieces and I feel like I will never be the same again. How do you make the pain and the love go away. It has only been a couple of months, but I think about him every minute of every day. How do I stop doing this? Why didn't he say goodbye? How do I move on?
greenhorn Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 utwonderwoman, I can understand what you are going through..yeah it is painful but trust me it will fade and the pain will be less. Having said this i would say that please dont try to seek answers to any questions...the more you try to find the answers more you would be torturing yourself.TIME will give you answers to all the questions. People can always justify the wrong they do so your bf has probably justification for his actions.So dont bother WHY he did this..bother about HOW to move on.. First tell to yourself that it has ended and now you have to move on ..dont harbour any feelings of reconciliations ...now when you have done all this then try to involve yourself in activities which takes your mind away...obviously anything that you would do now would take your mind back...but then say to yourself that you are going to move on with this..dont try your pain to become millstone around your neck but take it as a stimulus to move ahead.... no one is sure what happens in life so who knows you have better life ahead with someone who can give back the love,warmth and care that you deserve. Good Luck..take care..keep updating..
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by utwonderwoman I just couldn't understand it. How can someone love you and then let go so quickly. He just dropped my stuff off at my door a few weeks later when I wasn't home and then left without even saying goodbye. He never even said goodbye. My heart is broken in a million pieces and I feel like I will never be the same again. How do you make the pain and the love go away. It has only been a couple of months, but I think about him every minute of every day. How do I stop doing this? Why didn't he say goodbye? How do I move on? Sweetie, I understand these questions. ReluctantJuliette dumped me on New Year's Eve. She was soooo strongly and visibly into me, then all of a sudden she turned. Even her best friend, mum and sister were taken by surprise She just ran off and doesn't talk to me anymore - I hear from a mutual friend that it's like the relationship never even happened. I don't understand this. What I *have* come to understand is that someone who behaves like this is bad LTR material. You can't build a life with them. I keep telling myself that I deserve better, that I was the catch in this relationship (even Juliette thought this). For me this is one of the keys to moving on. The other key is working on myself, not thinking about a dead relationship. Getting in shape physically, working on my friendships, musical technique and professional life. But there are still some pretty low moments... I'm so sorry for your situation.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn bother about HOW to move on.. First tell to yourself that it has ended and now you have to move on ..dont harbour any feelings of reconciliations ...now when you have done all this then try to involve yourself in activities which takes your mind away...obviously anything that you would do now would take your mind back...but then say to yourself that you are going to move on with this..dont try your pain to become millstone around your neck but take it as a stimulus to move ahead.... no one is sure what happens in life so who knows you have better life ahead with someone who can give back the love,warmth and care that you deserve. Good Luck..take care..keep updating.. Good advice greenie! LS's European Section has spoken
greenhorn Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo But there are still some pretty low moments... We are here to take care of you during those low moments..so let them come and dont be afraid.... RRomeo, how are you doing these days ??
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn RRomeo, how are you doing these days ?? I'm doing well most of the time. My signature (recognise the song?) only really applies in my worst moments. But right now I'm asking myself the exact same question as utwonderwoman: how can someone love you and let go so quickly? Even 2 weeks before the break up, Juliette was so into me it was almost embarrassing.
greenhorn Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo I'm doing well most of the time. My signature (recognise the song?) only really applies in my worst moments. But right now I'm asking myself the exact same question as utwonderwoman: how can someone love you and let go so quickly? Even 2 weeks before the break up, Juliette was so into me it was almost embarrassing. I also used to ask/still asking the same question and the answer that i had is that "our Romeo/Juliette loved themselves more than they loved us" But i have not given up..i will make them cry tears of blood one day for doing this..
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn But i have not given up..i will make them cry tears of blood one day for doing this.. Glad to see you're taking this in a mature and sensible fashion - the Viking fashion
greenhorn Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Glad to see you're taking this in a mature and sensible fashion - the Viking fashion Actually i am lotta charged up today lol!!. Hey utwonderwoman , i can see you online....share with us your thoughts...
Author utwonderwoman Posted February 28, 2005 Author Posted February 28, 2005 thank you so much for all of your support. This isn't the first time that I have been loved and lost. but the feelings were so much more deep. I don't know how I will ever get over this. Doing everything is a challenge. Getting out of bed, sleeping, eating, working, thinking. I wish there was such a clinic as The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The pain is so unbearable, that i don't know how I can manage to go on day to day.
greenhorn Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by utwonderwoman thank you so much for all of your support. This isn't the first time that I have been loved and lost. but the feelings were so much more deep. I don't know how I will ever get over this. Doing everything is a challenge. Getting out of bed, sleeping, eating, working, thinking. I wish there was such a clinic as The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The pain is so unbearable, that i don't know how I can manage to go on day to day. You will be ok dear, yes they are challenges today so face them bravely.just remember that you are not alone in this pain..all of us have gone/going through this so we know better than others. Yes that movie is great and i have kept a permanent copy of it in my compu to watch whenver i want but there is no such thing in real life..it didnt happen in the movie also ..they got their memory back .. You will get over this...you would be perfectly fine one day..its not the end of you life.....you would get someone who would love you the same and you would be more wiser this time to give your heart.. this is life face it...after all they say that life is not bed of roses...
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by utwonderwoman thank you so much for all of your support. This isn't the first time that I have been loved and lost. but the feelings were so much more deep. I don't know how I will ever get over this. Doing everything is a challenge. Getting out of bed, sleeping, eating, working, thinking... The pain is so unbearable, that i don't know how I can manage to go on day to day. That is exactly how I was up to a couple of weeks ago. Even getting up in the morning seemed like too much some days - one working day I actually cried for 10 minutes before being able to move. I hardly ate or slept. What has helped? - time - looking on LoveShack and learning from others with similar experiences - working on building myself up in various ways, so that I can be better as I carry on with the rest of my life It will work out, I promise you. It doesn't seem like it right now, but it will.
Author utwonderwoman Posted February 28, 2005 Author Posted February 28, 2005 The problem with the relationship wasn't him, it was me. I had some growing up to do. I have been working on it and doing so much better. He was perfect. Mature, responsible, kind, and loving. I miss him so much. I will never find anyone like that again. Most of my relationships have been with losers. I finally found someone that I thought I deserved. Someone that made me a better person. I know everyone says time; but how do you manage to get through the pain until the time has stuff has finally passed. Especially when you do not even have the energy to move with the daily life motions.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by utwonderwoman The problem with the relationship wasn't him, it was me. I had some growing up to do. I have been working on it and doing so much better. He was perfect. Mature, responsible, kind, and loving. I miss him so much. I will never find anyone like that again. Most of my relationships have been with losers. I finally found someone that I thought I deserved. Someone that made me a better person. Would you mind expanding on this a little? What was it that caused the break-up? Who initiated it? Why do you think that you'll never find anyone like that again?
Author utwonderwoman Posted February 28, 2005 Author Posted February 28, 2005 He had a list of things that he was unhappy with. Occasionally I would drink too much and it freaked him out. So I would not drink for a while, but then if we went out and I didn't eat enough, it would sneak up on me. He said that I didn't have enough of my own hobbies. He had a small business, so our weekends were primarily both of us working on it. I dedicated a lot of my time helping with his business because it was for our future together. So my hobbies did decline, but I guess he never saw it that same way. He said I was needy and insecure. True. Bad childhood, takes me a long time to trust people, but I really did end up trusting him completely. Argumentative/defensive - If we argued, I would stand my ground until I felt that I was heard. Sometimes this went too far. Lack focus and commitment - because I hadn't found what I wanted to do with my life. Over analytical - this is completely true. I am driven to understand exactly how things work and why people think the way they do. Needy and lack personal interest/hobby - I loved spending time with him, and apparently it was too much for him. But I never knew that. I thought that I was being helpful and loving. Untrustworthy/promises not upheld - this had to do with the drinking thing. Immature - I think this had to do with the focus/committment thing Overbearing in disagreements/exhausting to communicate - he was not very good at communicating during a discussion and I insisted on understanding everything that he meant. I have been working on every single one of these. I want to be the best person that I can be. How can you love someone so much one day and then tell them that "I don't love you anymore"
beejsea2 Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 UTwoman Sorry that you're going through such a hard time. You know my history with my ex he up and left me...well he left me a letter but to this day I still don't even know where he is. The reason your ex might have left without talking to you was more than likely purely selfish...he didn't want to have to think about the pain he was going to cause and he took the easiest route for him. As far as the saying I love you thing. My ex the week before he left was talking about our future and was telling me he loved me was happy with me and than a week later poof he was gone...for the past four months I was blaming myself but through alot of soul searching and therapy I now know that I didn't do anything wrong. Some one mentioned that you'll never get the "answers" to your questions and that's the rut that I'm in. I don't care so much about the relationship ending but by the lack of integrity that my ex showed me. 4 1/2 years, talks of marriage a future and all I get is a note that he tried and put the blame on me. I'm still working on letting go of the "answers." Does it get better?? Back in October when I found LS I thought I'd never feel whole or complete again. I'm getting so much better and doing so many things for "me" I hate to say this but in time it will get better, but the time it takes is different for each and every person so it might take one person a month and another a year...just take the time that you need to take care of yourself!!
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Let's be clear about this utwonderwoman. 1. No-one is perfect. 2. If you love someone, you can bear with a lot of failings 3. Particularly if they are keen to work on their shortcomings. The list of failings you give is neither unusual nor severe. None of them are dealbreakers. The underlying theme of his criticism is "I want less of you - less time, less talk". Read between the lines. In the past I too have criticised girlfriends on things that irritate me. When she offers to work on them or we find a compromise, I am really pleased and give her a second chance and a third and... this is normal when you love someone.
_Saffy_ Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo That is exactly how I was up to a couple of weeks ago. Even getting up in the morning seemed like too much some days - one working day I actually cried for 10 minutes before being able to move. I hardly ate or slept. What has helped? - time - looking on LoveShack and learning from others with similar experiences - working on building myself up in various ways, so that I can be better as I carry on with the rest of my life It will work out, I promise you. It doesn't seem like it right now, but it will. you forgot the most obvious bit......
Author utwonderwoman Posted February 28, 2005 Author Posted February 28, 2005 What changed your mind? What made you give her a second chance? That is what I thought; as long as I was willing to work on my problems every day, then it should have been worth it. I am a very giving loving person. When he decided to quit his job, I supported his decision even though we had a mortgage and his income was 70% of our total. I never complained and was supportive of everthing. His family hates me, his friends hate me now: and I loved these people. I didn't just lose the love of my life, but a family as well. I need an action plan. What can I do this week to minimize how much time I spend thinking about him?
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ you forgot the most obvious bit...... The support of the beautiful Saffy? Hey, give us your thoughts.... now you're here LS's European Section is out in force
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by utwonderwoman What changed your mind? What made you give her a second chance? That is what I thought; as long as I was willing to work on my problems every day, then it should have been worth it. I am a very giving loving person. I loved the girl and wanted to give the relationship a fair chance to work. My criticisms were not excuses for getting out, but were genuine. Each time. It was as simple as that. I need an action plan. What can I do this week to minimize how much time I spend thinking about him? Friends. Makeover style activities. I have been eating better, exercising more and improving myself in various other ways. Think of things you were always planning to do more of, but didn't have the time for.
_Saffy_ Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 The support of the beautiful Saffy? thats my man i agree with you all, it sucks when there seems to be no reason, or no reason that we know of, because theres ALWAYS a reason. the issue here is to stop fighting with yourself, dont put pressure on yourself to "get over him", this will come in time. instead, concentrate on you, do what you like to do most, listen to your favourite tunes, watch your favourite movies, and take it day by day. when im feeling down, i read, play my guitar and dance.....yeah dancing always works for me, turn up the music, and just do it. be as silly as you want to, noone can see you, and i guarantee you will collapse in fits of giggles
greenhorn Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Utwonderwoman, Romeo is correct when he says that none of us are perfect and thats what love is,to accept with 'warts and all' probably its your current state of mind that is making you feel miserable and thinking that it was all your fault.Well when you are in love you both talk and then you both make sacrifices for each other like if one is drinking a lot he or she might reduce that...so no need to be sadist and torture yourself. Well this is one of the advantage of breakup that you turn out to be more mature and wise and the next relationship would be better than this.Everyone has this phase in his or her life but we should make the most of even in adverse times.You learn and then move on and the day you find someone for you,trust me you would rock!! Yes now give more time to yourself,vent out when you wish,enjoy in activities which take your time you can do some physical activities which will give you a good sleep also.There is only this one life we have got so dont waste it...when he is not wasting his life for you why should you? Its tough but not impossible..carry on brave lady....
Israfil Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 UTWW: I know this is awful for you. I have no real words of wisdom to add, but here is a link to a thread that might begin to give you some answers. It helped me a great deal. Pay particular attention to the posts by LucreziaBorgia. She's one perceptive lady. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t55268/
Author utwonderwoman Posted February 28, 2005 Author Posted February 28, 2005 I guess the hardest part is being with this person every day, planning our future every day. Hearing I love you ten times the day before, and then hearing I don't love you the very next day. Can I please get a guy's perspective on this? How do you guys do it? How do you move on like nothing ever happened?
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