Supernatural Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 To attract the opposite sex in dating, keep them interested and pursuing, excited to see you; do you have to be slightly distant and cool, but still genuine? It seems when you show a guy/girl you are genuinely interested and eager to hangout, they lose interest in a way. But when you make yourself really busy they go nuts for you... I have tried the show interest often, be sweet, be willing to make time; and it fails. Thoughts are awesome.
Elias33 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Try being yourself. It is all about attracting the person that wants you, no? Any type of alteration will eventually be revealed. If you are interested, act interested, if you are indifferent, then go be indifferent. For me, being myself, without any type of manipulation, has always worked out the best. 6
Assasda Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Yes Be yourself. That means have your own hobbies, and dont get attached to the girl's hobbys That means curse, if you want to curse and stop trying to "be nice" Be yourself is the best advice. In a lot of cases on here posters say, "Oh I am being myself". Well before you met the girl you didnt have an obsessive needy personality, now you do, therefore youre not being yourself 4
Nbd1964 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 If you figure this out, let me know. Met a girl I really liked, dated her for 4 months, the more I tried to see her, more into her I got, the more she backed away. The couple of times I backed off, she came back around, but eventually ended up at the same junction. She said she needed space, wanted freedom, etc. so I ended it. You're either into me or you're not. That's how I see it. We'll see if she comes back, I doubt it.
Assasda Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 If you figure this out, let me know. Met a girl I really liked, dated her for 4 months, the more I tried to see her, more into her I got, the more she backed away. The couple of times I backed off, she came back around, but eventually ended up at the same junction. She said she needed space, wanted freedom, etc. so I ended it. You're either into me or you're not. That's how I see it. We'll see if she comes back, I doubt it. Glad thats how you see it. When people come into your life you just suffocate the bejeasus out of them. Ofcourse theyre gonna wanna back off. Its not rocket-surgery
Nbd1964 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Glad thats how you see it. When people come into your life you just suffocate the bejeasus out of them. Ofcourse theyre gonna wanna back off. Its not rocket-surgery I would understand if I was asking too much, but I only saw her about once a week if that. When we talked on the phone she never wanted to hang up, we'd talk for hours, she seemed very interested but getting together was an issue, I didn't get it. She sent mixed signals, otherwise I wouldn't have tried for that long.
Author Supernatural Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 Yes. I think the misunderstanding is in "Be yourself." Often in dating when we like someone we get needy, over-eager, and aim to please too much - which we may interpret for 'being ourselves', when in fact it is not. 1
Elle1975 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 To attract the opposite sex in dating, keep them interested and pursuing, excited to see you; do you have to be slightly distant and cool, but still genuine? It seems when you show a guy/girl you are genuinely interested and eager to hangout, they lose interest in a way. But when you make yourself really busy they go nuts for you... I have tried the show interest often, be sweet, be willing to make time; and it fails. Thoughts are awesome. Problem is that those people who are too eager also drop everything they're doing for the object of their affection. You can show your interest, but don't drop your life for someone. 3
Author Supernatural Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 Problem is that those people who are too eager also drop everything they're doing for the object of their affection. You can show your interest, but don't drop your life for someone. True true. It can be difficult sometimes when you're really excited though. 2
mightycpa Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Try being yourself. It is all about attracting the person that wants you, no? Any type of alteration will eventually be revealed. If you are interested, act interested, if you are indifferent, then go be indifferent. For me, being myself, without any type of manipulation, has always worked out the best. Yes, exactly. OP, you mentioned something about being overeager. I'm reminded of a couple of posts where the OP (women) contacted a man, then within 30 minutes, these men blew up their phones with texts and calls and scared the bejesus out of these women. The question is, were they themselves? Are you like that, even to some lesser degree? If you find that you're like that, I'd suggest dating lower than your number until you calm down. If that's really you, if you're desperate and not afraid to show it, then you need to change, because the only women that will like you are the ones that are a little more psycho than you are. I can't imagine that would be any fun. It took a lot of dating experience before I could blend my natural and genuine easy-going style with also genuine excitement and eagerness without scaring them off. It can be done, but it is a balancing act. You don't have to sacrifice your personality or your true intentions. You just have to package it right.
Elle1975 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 True true. It can be difficult sometimes when you're really excited though. Love is exciting when it's new. I agree. 2
Author Supernatural Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 I have found I have my best luck in dating when I am somewhat aloof. Mild interest. So always have mild interest?
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 (edited) I have found I have my best luck in dating when I am somewhat aloof. Mild interest. As have I. And frankly I'm much more inclined to see where things go with a guy who is not all over me from day one. I know plenty of people disagree but I don't think playing it cool is the same thing as "playing games". Over-eagerness is an unattractive quality in both sexes if you ask me. Not to mention, I prefer a gradual increase in displays of interest rather than immediately telling me how much you like me or want to see me or constantly calling/texting all the time. It helps gauge someones genuine level of interest rather than infatuation. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm more impressed and/or likely to pursue things further if a guy shows a high level of interest in me say, after three months as opposed to three days. Edited August 19, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra 3
Author Supernatural Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 As have I. And frankly I'm much more inclined to see where things go with a guy who is not all over me from day one. I know plenty of people disagree but I don't think playing it cool is the same thing as "playing games". Over-eagerness is an unattractive quality in both sexes if you ask me. Not to mention, I prefer a gradual increase in displays of interest rather than immediately telling me how much you like me or want to see me or constantly calling/texting all the time. It helps gauge someones genuine level of interest rather than infatuation. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm more impressed and/or likely to pursue things further if a guy shows a high level of interest in me say, after three months as opposed to three days. Agreed. But like I said, sometimes there are signs or intense energetic feelings that can't be explained and holding back really doesn't feel like an option. The hearts desire is too strong and you lose all logic. Not to say the guy blows up your phone. But I know this girl; and something about her is just... an explosion of roses in my chest. I would send her really passionate e-mails... And we would go back and forth. My e-mails more passionate. I don't know if that's the same thing though. She was also very elusive and hard to catch. Like a cat jumping through chairs. Man that relationship is complicated. I'm suppose to go on a date with her this week, if I have time/energy after being on set. I still need to text her a day. I'm used to being really passionate with her, but I don't want to scare her away this time, and I'm wondering how to be. It's been 4 years of patience and perseverance, so to speak. And she is clearly interested, still. But has always been slightly intimidated to take steps with me, because of many reasons.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Agreed. But like I said, sometimes there are signs or intense energetic feelings that can't be explained and holding back really doesn't feel like an option. The hearts desire is too strong and you lose all logic. So work on your impluse control. Sometimes not stabbing my boyfriend doesn't feel like an option but I don't do it because...consequences. You can contain those feelings or at least prevent them from spilling out in an embarrassingly sappy way. Not to say the guy blows up your phone. But I know this girl; and something about her is just... an explosion of roses in my chest. I would send her really passionate e-mails... Yeah, that would've turned me off right away tbh. And we would go back and forth. My e-mails more passionate. I don't know if that's the same thing though. She was also very elusive and hard to catch. Like a cat jumping through chairs. Man that relationship is complicated. I'm suppose to go on a date with her this week, if I have time/energy after being on set. I still need to text her a day. I'm used to being really passionate with her, but I don't want to scare her away this time, and I'm wondering how to be. It's been 4 years of patience and perseverance, so to speak. And she is clearly interested, still. But has always been slightly intimidated to take steps with me, because of many reasons. She might just like the attention. It doesn't sound like she feels nearly the same way about you. Try being less "passionate" and see how she responds. 1
Author Supernatural Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 (edited) The thing now... Is I am much more controlled than I was then. Last time we talked before we bumped in to each other was a year and a bit -- Aside from her texting me out of the blue in March, which I didn't respond. I need your advice... Now since we bumped in to each other 2 weekends ago she has been texting me, wanting to get together; her most previous texts... Last Friday 3:34pm HER: "I'm away right now on a retreat but let me know when we can get together next week :)" 8:37pm ME: "Im on set filming next week. I'll try to sneak you in my schedule" 10:58pm HER: "Perhaps the weather will be nice for a bike ride to the beach" And I haven't respond to that last text, called or anything... I keep having a tug-o-war in my head of either letting it go on my terms, or taking yet another chance. Now, since the start of knowing her she has bailed many times on me last second, and dated other guys. She has never told me she is not interested and has always seemed interested. She has said in e-mails and texts... "As it relates to you. I catch myself falling for so many things about you and every time I see pieces of old self in you that familiar panic sets in. You call it like you see it, you challenge what needs to be challenged, and you are open to communication on any level. All of that sounds perfect right? The catch is that you see and understand things that are so new and foreign to me. I don't understand how I got to this point. I went from having all my ducks lined up, with such a focused head on my shoulders to this weird, limbo, grey area of constant confusion. I've felt like I've been slipping for a long time and it all comes back to trust." "You're the guy I know I'm going to end up with, I want to be the person you deserve" And the list goes on and on and on... I have just invested a lot and I can't help but think maybe it's just a timing thing. I don't know. It's really complicated. You would have to see the e-mails, I suppose. I just don't know what to do this week... If I should even set up a date. Or should I send her a text and say "I don't think this is going to work, maybe in another life." or meet up and see what happens. I'm fearful that I will put myself out there again, have a date picked, and an hour before we're suppose to meet, she bails. I know I would have nothing to lose by doing the second part. But having the option to walk away and not taking it with self respect in hand, then having her potentially ditch me... That thought just kills. At the same time, I'm just so damn curious and we keep bumping in to each other at the weirdest times, like it's fate. Edited August 19, 2014 by Supernatural
Elias33 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Being yourself without playing games, such as feigning disinterest can still lead to success. The chances are that you end up with the right person are much greater. Not seeing social cues, or having poor boundaries has little to do being yourself. Of course, you think of this person all the time, he or she is in your thoughts, it's all very exciting. You can still channel all this in the appropriate portions to the other.
Elias33 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 The thing now... Is I am much more controlled than I was then. Last time we talked before we bumped in to each other was a year and a bit -- Aside from her texting me out of the blue in March, which I didn't respond. I need your advice... Now since we bumped in to each other 2 weekends ago she has been texting me, wanting to get together; her most previous texts... Last Friday 3:34pm HER: "I'm away right now on a retreat but let me know when we can get together next week :)" 8:37pm ME: "Im on set filming next week. I'll try to sneak you in my schedule" 10:58pm HER: "Perhaps the weather will be nice for a bike ride to the beach" And I haven't respond to that last text, called or anything... I keep having a tug-o-war in my head of either letting it go on my terms, or taking yet another chance. Now, since the start of knowing her she has bailed many times on me last second, and dated other guys. She has never told me she is not interested and has always seemed interested. She has said in e-mails and texts... "As it relates to you. I catch myself falling for so many things about you and every time I see pieces of old self in you that familiar panic sets in. You call it like you see it, you challenge what needs to be challenged, and you are open to communication on any level. All of that sounds perfect right? The catch is that you see and understand things that are so new and foreign to me. I don't understand how I got to this point. I went from having all my ducks lined up, with such a focused head on my shoulders to this weird, limbo, grey area of constant confusion. I've felt like I've been slipping for a long time and it all comes back to trust." "You're the guy I know I'm going to end up with, I want to be the person you deserve" And the list goes on and on and on... I have just invested a lot and I can't help but think maybe it's just a timing thing. I don't know. It's really complicated. You would have to see the e-mails, I suppose. I just don't know what to do this week... If I should even set up a date. Or should I send her a text and say "I don't think this is going to work, maybe in another life." or meet up and see what happens. I'm fearful that I will put myself out there again, have a date picked, and an hour before we're suppose to meet, she bails. I know I would have nothing to lose by doing the second part. But having the option to walk away and not taking it with self respect in hand, then having her potentially ditch me... That thought just kills. At the same time, I'm just so damn curious and we keep bumping in to each other at the weirdest times, like it's fate. Convey your concerns directly and with all honesty. Bring it up that she's bailed last second several times. And that the trust issue is more about not trusting her anymore because of her behavior. Because it is reckless. Just don't fall into playing games because of your fear to get hurt. Don't lose that part of you that wants to be honest just because she has issues. Fate is something we tell ourselves in order to rationalize a certain thing. It was then also fate, that she stood you up several times? Point is, keep your integrity. You're probably right about not getting into this. But at least let her know why. It may teach her a thing or two about treating others, or, learning to resolve issues before getting into dating. Good luck.
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Last Friday she tried to set up a future bike ride & it's now Tuesday but you still haven't responded. . . . That's less than lukewarm. If I were her, by now I would have concluded that you didn't care. Especially if she's back from her retreat, call & set up the bike ride. You can make it for next week if you want to slow things down & appear aloof but failing to nail down a future date & time three days ago sent the wrong message.
Zippy2000 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 "I just don't know what to do this week... If I should even set up a date. Or should I send her a text and say "I don't think this is going to work, maybe in another life." or meet up and see what happens. I'm fearful that I will put myself out there again, have a date picked, and an hour before we're suppose to meet, she bails." Give her an ULTIMATUM. Arrange a date and tell her if she BAILS you aint never going to arrange anything again.
Author Supernatural Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 Convey your concerns directly and with all honesty. Bring it up that she's bailed last second several times. And that the trust issue is more about not trusting her anymore because of her behavior. Because it is reckless. Just don't fall into playing games because of your fear to get hurt. Don't lose that part of you that wants to be honest just because she has issues. Fate is something we tell ourselves in order to rationalize a certain thing. It was then also fate, that she stood you up several times? Point is, keep your integrity. You're probably right about not getting into this. But at least let her know why. It may teach her a thing or two about treating others, or, learning to resolve issues before getting into dating. Good luck. I have always been honest with her about my feelings on being ditched, and her never truly showing up. She somehow always turns it on me. "I need someone in my corner, not someone who pressures me. Patience is huge for me." "You have to let go of the past; you can't hold that against me.", etc. There is always something going on. Last Friday she tried to set up a future bike ride & it's now Tuesday but you still haven't responded. . . . That's less than lukewarm. If I were her, by now I would have concluded that you didn't care. Especially if she's back from her retreat, call & set up the bike ride. You can make it for next week if you want to slow things down & appear aloof but failing to nail down a future date & time three days ago sent the wrong message. I want it to appear less than lukewarm. Because that's exactly how I feel. I'm very cautious about this get together. It's not like I just met her. I would never take that long. I guess I'm so confused about everything that it takes my responses awhile as there is a lot of chatter in my head, in concerns of her. I'm not going to send her anymore big e-mails or text. I either say.. "this isn't going to work" and leave it. Or I take yet another risk, call her, and set up a date which is 50/50 if she would bail on. But then I would know finally and could actually end things.
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 If you are genuinely conflicted that is another story. I agree that you have to pick one: ignore her & move on or ask her for a date. To me either seems preferable to dithering & hand-wringing. Good luck.
mightycpa Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I have always been honest with her about my feelings on being ditched, and her never truly showing up. She somehow always turns it on me. "I need someone in my corner, not someone who pressures me. Patience is huge for me." "You have to let go of the past; you can't hold that against me.", etc. There is always something going on.The alarm bells are going off in my head. For me, this one just got put in the "I'll let her do me once" pile. I need patient people in my corner too, who will let go of the past after I pump and dump her. Do you realize what she's saying? 2
Author Supernatural Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 The alarm bells are going off in my head. For me, this one just got put in the "I'll let her do me once" pile. I need patient people in my corner too, who will let go of the past after I pump and dump her. Do you realize what she's saying? No.. What is she saying exactly?
mightycpa Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 No.. What is she saying exactly? SN says: I have always been honest with her about my feelings on being ditched, and her never truly showing up. She somehow always turns it on me. The greatest girl in the world says (with my interpretation in parens): "I need someone in my corner, not someone who pressures me. (for not showing up) Patience is huge for me. (especially after I ditch you, or treat you like ****, which, by the way, I will again) "You have to let go of the past; (**** you and your disappointment) you can't hold that against me." (I do what I want. **** you) etc. (apparently, there's more where all this came from) There is always something going on. (Indeed)
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