Darren2013 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I've been thinking that I'm not so sure if it is possible to hide my crush on a woman 100%. I get the feeling that no matter how well I try to mimic body language and voice inflection in order to appear uninterested in her she is still likely to suspect something about me at least on a subconscious level. When you have a crush on someone you are likely subconsciously sending out signals that you like this person no matter how you modify your behavior to appear uninterested. This is especially true with men who have crushes on women. Women are just more in tune to the radar and the subconscious. Bottom line is if a guy likes her she will likely suspect it. Nevertheless I'm still going to continue to act uninterested and detached and let her think whatever she wants. I can't change the way I feel but I can control myself and keep those feelings beneath the surface.
todreaminblue Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 is she taken? if she is single and you like her why dont you just ask her out......tell her you want to know her better.....is there a particular reason you dont want her to know you like her?
Author Darren2013 Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 I don't want to feel this way that's why. We have been good colleagues working well together for 12 years and then all of a sudden unexpectedly 2 weeks ago my feelings have progressed. I didn't want that to happen and I didn't think it would happen. So this isn't someone I met just a few weeks ago. This is a long time coworker. It is a little scary that my feelings are progressing. To answer your question as far as I know she is single at this time. The last time we talked she said she was. She has also been divorced for the last 6 years. I have taken extra steps to avoid her such as working a shift that is somewhat the opposite of hers. This way I only get to see her 2 hours a day instead of 8 hours. The new shift that I will be working soon will have me leave work about 2 hours after she gets there.
Elias33 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Yes, you can always pretend you have control over your feelings.
Author Darren2013 Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 And being that it is the workplace I have all the justification in the world to keep everything concealed. I'm not going to take my job for granted when I make good money doing what I do. Workplace relationships very likely crash even if there is a mutual crush between us. So she may be thinking the same thing as me IF she likes me too. That's a big if because right now there's no way to say definitively what she thinks about me. The only way this could even have a chance of working out assuming that there is a secret attraction on her end too is if one of us is about to retire or work a different job.
todreaminblue Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I understand your hesitation now to ask her, the thing is i also know how hard it is personally, to pretend you dont have feelings, it almost feels dishonest.....which causes issues.....maybe a new work place might be in order or at least a change of departments where you migth be able to avoid contact........no contact would be a way that you could allow these feelings to fade.....deb
Author Darren2013 Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 It is only dishonest if I make excuses to initiate any interaction with her. I have not done that. I have made sure not to initiate anything and made every effort to not look at her at all anymore. As long as I leave her alone and just go about my business while I am at work then I don't think it should be a problem. If she initiates contact with me I won't ignore her but I also won't do anything to encourage the contact. All conversation on my end is short and civil and professional. I'm not coming to her. I let her come to me.
Author Darren2013 Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 Assuming the feelings are mutual there's only a rare case I can think of that a workplace sexual relationship can work without worrying about the ramifications later on and that is only if fate has determined that I'm going to die the day after having sex with her. Other than that it is usually a bad idea. So unless in some unlikely event I find out I'm going to die next month then I won't do anything. If I ever did have proof that I would die next month then I would wait until the last minute of my life to ask her out and have goodbye sex. Kind of like one for the road. The problem is none of us knows how long we will live but if we did have proof that we weren't going to live another day then most of the rules could be bent since I wouldn't be alive to have to worry about keeping my job the next day.
Author Darren2013 Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 Something else I should mention. My crush is approximately 20 years older than me. I am 34 and she is late 50s. I remember years ago going to sleep at night and having a few dreams where she would sexually molest me. So it is quite possible the dream was a sign of me being attracted to her on a subconscious level but it wasn't until a month or so ago when now that attraction has reached conscious awareness level. Too bad that the only guys who get molested by an older woman are the ones who don't welcome it. Bottom line is that if a guy wishes to be molested by a much older woman then it probably won't happen. This woman is older than my own mother.
mightycpa Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 I have to know. (1) Is she married, or otherwise attached? (2) Are you interested in her emotionally, sexually, or both? (3) Has she given you ANY indication at all that she's interested in you emotionally, sexually, both, not interested, or no indication?
Gloria25 Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 Something else I should mention. My crush is approximately 20 years older than me. I am 34 and she is late 50s. I remember years ago going to sleep at night and having a few dreams where she would sexually molest me. So it is quite possible the dream was a sign of me being attracted to her on a subconscious level but it wasn't until a month or so ago when now that attraction has reached conscious awareness level. Too bad that the only guys who get molested by an older woman are the ones who don't welcome it. Bottom line is that if a guy wishes to be molested by a much older woman then it probably won't happen. This woman is older than my own mother. Are you serious about the use of the word "molest"? Cuz IMO, the word "molest" implies that you, a possible "victim", is an unwilling participant. There are guys who have had the whole "cougar" experience (from Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate" to Demi Moore and Susan Sarandon's RLs in real life), now, not sure what the motivations are of both the guys and gals who get involved in these situations - but I guess there's an allure of an older woman (i.e. experience, how hard she works on preserving her looks through exercise and stuff). I don't know about RLs where the women are older than the guys, but when it is an older male/younger female I "do" believe there is a "father figure" thing going on.
Author Darren2013 Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 I have to know. (1) Is she married, or otherwise attached? (2) Are you interested in her emotionally, sexually, or both? (3) Has she given you ANY indication at all that she's interested in you emotionally, sexually, both, not interested, or no indication? 1. She is divorced. 2. Both. 3. I don't know because it was around the same time that we started acting strange around each other by going quiet all of a sudden with one another and playing the game of looking away from each other when walking by but glancing at each other from a distance. Sometimes I look at her when I know her back is turned. I've caught her doing the same to me when my back is turned. So she hasn't given verbal indications of interest but neither have I verbally communicated interest. There's just been alot of coincidental mirroring of each other's strange behavior. I avoid her and she avoids me sometimes and so forth. Other times she will sit next to me when there's plenty of space for her on the bench to move further away. Perhaps she and I have similar personalities when it comes to dealing with a crush or perhaps this can be all explained away for other things. So what do I do? I do nothing and just wait. As I said before even if the interest was mutual this is the workplace and I would have to wait another year anyway before I leave my current job.
Gloria25 Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 Also, IMO, our relationships with our parents do reflect our choices in people - sometimes we lean toward or from certain people that remind us of our childhood.
mightycpa Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 See, that's the problem with all this rules stuff... there is an unquantifiable chance that you are both interested in each other, but you operate by the same ruleset that prevents you from discovering the truth. Ironically, that would make you highly compatible. Ain't life a bitch?
Gloria25 Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 So what do I do? I do nothing and just wait. As I said before even if the interest was mutual this is the workplace and I would have to wait another year anyway before I leave my current job. I say that if you wait a year to chat her up, when you "do" decide to declare your interest in her, it might not be well received. I say that you continue to build a friendly bond with her at work...I have male co-workers I walk with during breaks, I ask them how their weekend, family, etc. is, I mean I'm very familiar with them...Now, not sure if I'm able to be so relaxed with them because we aren't interested in each other romantically... But still, if you met your crush in another environment (i.e. a meet-up group) you'd still have to bond on a friendly basis before you could advance towards asking her out on a date, IMO. I mean, you can't just cold-call out-on-a-date a woman you met in a meet-up group...she might think you're a pick-up artist or just joined the meet-up group to hit on chicks and/or get numbers.
Author Darren2013 Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 I say that if you wait a year to chat her up, when you "do" decide to declare your interest in her, it might not be well received. I say that you continue to build a friendly bond with her at work...I have male co-workers I walk with during breaks, I ask them how their weekend, family, etc. is, I mean I'm very familiar with them...Now, not sure if I'm able to be so relaxed with them because we aren't interested in each other romantically... But still, if you met your crush in another environment (i.e. a meet-up group) you'd still have to bond on a friendly basis before you could advance towards asking her out on a date, IMO. I mean, you can't just cold-call out-on-a-date a woman you met in a meet-up group...she might think you're a pick-up artist or just joined the meet-up group to hit on chicks and/or get numbers. Point well taken. Time to go back and start saying hi to her again and slowly chat friendly with her and pretend like none of this strange stuff happened.
Author Darren2013 Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 I was also thinking that it can be a double edge sword too. What I mean is there is a part of me that hopes she doesn't show stronger signals of interest because then I am going to run out of excuses not to ask her out. If she ever starts showing stronger signs then I will have no excuse and I will have to really get my courage together and step outside of my comfort zone to ask her out. (That is after we have spent alot of time chatting each other up on a friendly level). Right now I am in my little comfort zone just playing games with the looking at her and looking away thing. So it is a double edge sword.
Author Darren2013 Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 (edited) Withdrew post Edited September 14, 2014 by Darren2013
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