kids involved now [Update]

[messymichelle]

right ita been 3 years since the break up,after a year of will we wont we, i decided i couldnt forgive and started to move on without him. at first it was limited nc because of the kids, he saw them for 2 months then he realised i wasnt interested in him and stopped seeing the kids.

i refused to take calls or texts and blocked him on social media,

he refused to see our kids for almost 2 years no financial support or anything.

while i found myself thinking about him from time to time i never contacted him ,

well now the kids are older and want to see him, ive stayed in contact with his mam and she has a good relationship with them but not with her son, so she told me that now he wants to see them,

i feel guilty, ive protected them when he failed to show up, ignored them at xmas, now they want to see him and im scared now that they will get hurt and i dont think i could go threw the tears and heartache again of watching him manipulate them. what should i do??? am i proctecting them or causing more pain for them ??? any suggestions please

[SoThatHappened]

I don't know if it's true, but I've been told that the 3-year mark is key. That's in the U.S.

 

If he hasn't contacted, provided support, etc. in 3 years, he has no legal right.

 

I don't know if that starts at birth, or if the clock starts after the last time he saw them. It's also shaky second-hand knowledge, so I would look up the law in Ireland to see where you stand.

 

After a certain amount of time of no contact with his kids, he may have no legal rights regarding them at all.

 

However, if the kids want to see him... that's tough, especially if you want him out of your life and theirs.

[messymichelle]

legally if he wants to see them, he has to take me to court, but for me personally court wouldnt bother me.

im just scared now because its them now asking to see him and i want to protect them.

[Mark-e-Mark]

I am a product of this situation.... i never met my father until the day i graduated..... Of course i wanted to see my father when i was younger... and i will say, unless he was a super abusive man, your children should get a chance to see their dad. I would make contact with him and set strict rules and stand your ground with those rules. Maybe ease the way into it. Maybe facetime or skype first.

Also be prepared to hear some hurtful things from your children someday.... Like "I want to live with my dad" , "Dad always lets us..." and trust me they will, but it will most likely be out of anger and they really will not mean it.

 

Good Luck.

[Zeurich]

I think kids also their father got rights to see each other. As your kids are not used to spend time together with him, I think much better go through with a start process that is how it works here, like first video calling and very first time just few min and if they want build it up in time. you cannot protect kids for ever. Of course they will hear mam is a bitch this and that.... I think it is better you take legal advice too in case if you have feeling that he might run away with kids or something.... I understand kids are curious and they want to see the father,, but you are the one who knows what happened, so if those abusive incidents then you better explain to your children but I am not sure how old they are... it of course depend on the age of them it is possible. But you have to make rules before you let your kids to see him.

[messymichelle]

thank you for your reply, i know every child should have access to their dad and if he was consistent with it i would have absolutly no problem with it( my eldest 2 c their dad every week with no court order or time limits i let him see them when he wants ) but this man has used the kids in the past to try and get his way back in and when it didnt work he just cut them loose !!! im completly torn, i want the kids to have a relationship with their dad, but he is so unreliable and when he last saw them he asked the eldest whos now 12 question after question about me and upset him, not my kids fault but would they have forgotton how he made them feel ???

[Ronni_W]

Perhaps you can help them manage their expectations so that if or when he does slip-up, they may feel disappointed but not crushed or as if they're unworthy of his time or to blame in some way.

 

I don't know your children's ages but something along the lines of "Dad loves you very much...it's just sometimes he makes promises that he forgets about / that he doesn't keep. It's upsetting but...that's just the way it is."

 

It's impossible to protect them from who he is as a human being, but you can help them accept that his faults and failings do not mean that they are unlovable or deserve his unthinking, insensitive or selfish treatment (if, indeed, that's how he ends up treating them.)

 

It's very difficult to not be able to fully protect and keep safe our children's minds and hearts. For their sake, I really hope that your ex doesn't mess-up.

Hugs and best.

[messymichelle]

he wasnt abusive to me or the kids just couldnt stay faithful !!! the kids are now 7 and 12 they are boys, i understand they want to see him and ive no fear of him running off with them its the fear of him emotionally hurting them, i cant stand the thoughts of them feeling rejected again

[messymichelle]

also if i do decide to let this happen what way will i text him,??? ive had nc with him for ages though i have his number for emergencies ive havent contacted him what am i surpossed to say ??? after he messed up the last time,, in a fit of anger i said that they would be 16 be4 he would get a chance to hurt them again, its something i regret saying because it no matter what they are still his kids!! and how do i controll my hatred for him?? he really put me threw the mill saying they wernt his kids until i had dna tests done ( which i paid for) and never got a apology for, the kids dont know any of this and i will never tell them, they dont need to know

[No Limit]

Just tell him his kids would like to meet their father. If you're lucky he declines and yes, it may hurt to feel rejected, but in the end this also grows resentment and they'll loose all interest in him.

[messymichelle]

So brief recap he hasnt seen the kids in almost 2 years and now they want to see him (12 and 7),

So after texting him to tell him this, (i havent spoken to him in a year and 2 months), he wants to see them too , which is great for the kids,

but ... he has a gf now a serious one and the reality of this woman being part of my kids lives is tearing me up. I dont want them to like her( i wont tell them that ) but how am i gonna cope with this?? if they come home with stories of her feeding them, playing with them, cuddling them and him, i dont want him back but after 2 years of doing all by myself ( no child support ect ) why should they get to play happy families with my kids, i cannot think straight now, of course i will let the kids see him, these are my issuse not theirs but will this anger jealousy, hurt and fear subside, she has 1 kid of her own aswell,

 

any advice please