lioness08 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 For the longest time,I have been the one who's always left hanging. From being left for another girl without a word, to just simply being toyed with and ditched like yesterday's trash. Every. Single. Time. Nobody deserves to be left like that. When I asked what went wrong, or what they think was wrong with me (so that I may fix it and save myself from another potential heartbreak) they couldn't give an answer. So I was alright, according to them. But this left me paranoid. I'm constantly thinking that once I put myself out there, history will only repeat itself. Now, I'm in courtship with someone from highschool. Let's call him X. I met him when he was a senior, I was a freshman. We were good friends then. We've known each other for 7 years now. But for 5 years, we didn't see each other. And our communication during those years were cut short to just annually greeting each other when it's our birthdays. We've gone separate ways. but we were friends on facebook so we were somehow kept posted. When he graduated from highschool, we were done. We lived separate lives, and we were just fine. Late last year, he started talking to me again. Early this year, he had made his intentions known and clear that he wants to pursue me. X said he liked me back in highschool, but he knew he didn't stand a chance then, so he just let it be. We're both christians, you see. Now, he told me has been praying for me, that our paths will cross again. He has been so great, doing and expressing his affections like nobody has ever done to me. He is just the sweetest. He did gestures no guy has done for me. He's said things that melted and freezed my heart. X really tries to be a part of my life, no matter how I shun him away. My family and friends adore him. We've already gone through several bumps along the way, but each time, we only came out better. Things are working out and looking up with us. There were few people who told me that X plays around. We talked about that. I told him to just leave me be. But he didn't. He said he'll prove me and them wrong. I have dumped him 4 times, in total. But X stood still. He really believes we could be something, and that the accusations were wrong. He begged me to stay each time, bawling his eyes and heart out. He loves me, and I love him. But no, I haven't given him my whole heart.The thought of being fooled still lingers in my head. It just sits there. Major trust issues. I do not know if I'm doing this unconsciously or not, but I talk to other guys too. I told X we're exclusive now, and almost as good as being a couple, only without a label. He believes that. But I talk/see other guys! This gives me a sick satisfaction, that now I'm the one who's on top and in control. Guys are wrapped around my finger, and I tug at their heartstrings, and play with them. It's wrong. I'm thinking that, if it turns out that my crazy thoughts were correct (that X does play around) I wouldn't feel so stupid. I would think that "hey, I was just playing too." It's a pretense I'd believe, worst case scenario. HELP
preraph Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 It's not fun to be the dumper or the dumpee. Hurting people isn't fun either. I'm not sure, but maybe it's marginally better than getting hurt, but you shouldn't be lying to someone who is you think is trying to be good to you, though, under any circumstances. If you want to chew men up and spit them out, then do it to guys who deserve it and that you know are also just using you for sex. That will feel just fine.
mightycpa Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 (edited) I'm a guy, so maybe it is a little different for me. That said, I'll share. I fell in love with this girl, and a year later, became yet another character in the story that has been told a million times before, and will be told a million times again. I was devastated by the loss. I did my own self-examination, found some things to work on, and I thought I was on a pretty good path. But I noticed that for every girlfriend I ever had after her, I cheated on that girlfriend. I thought I was out looking for sex. But in retrospect, I was really out looking for affirmation from the girl that dumped me. I didn't find it in anybody else, so I kept looking, and kept cheating. Even the new girls that I actually fell in actual love with, that didn't matter. I knew they loved me, but it wasn't enough. I needed to be adored by the one person that ignored me, and because I couldn't have that, I kept searching and searching for it. One day, I figured it out. I haven't cheated since, and for the first time, I felt a little bad about what I'd done... not all of them, but some. It was an improvement. You may want to talk that out, and explore what's driving you with somebody. In the end, I appreciate all the illicitly gained experience because now I know for sure that the grass isn't greener anywhere else. In a bizarre sort of way, cheating helped me be a better mate, because I've done it too much to expect anything good from it. Edited August 18, 2014 by mightycpa better way of saying what I meant
Dork Vader Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Where to begin.. You can't be fixated on your past experiences with men. Just because other men have left you for no reason does not mean future men will. It is not fair to the men you date. Any person you date could leave, cheat or in general hurt you at anytime. You can't live in fear of that happening and have a successful relationship. That said suck it up, tell yourself IF it happens you'll deal with it when it does. But until that day comes you're not going to worry about it. Ask yourself why you think he would leave. Make a list of the reasons you think he'll leave.. Then go over the list and ask yourself is there ANY validity and rational to it. If not cross it off the list and don't think about it. What valid and rational concerns you do have talk to him about. Don't accuse him of anything just say "it seems that..." As for trust. It's something that is built over time. There is no magical switch for it. Trust is built by both people being honest, forthcoming and open. Trust is built when he does what he says he is going too. You can't let gossip effect your relationship. You have no idea what his side of the story is. You have no idea how many people the gossip went through before it got back to you. Thus it might not be accurate. Now even if it is accurate and he did cheat/play games in the past.. It does NOT mean he is with you. So let his past go.. All that said give him a chance.. Trust him and so on until he has given you reason not to trust him.
Recommended Posts