Been such a long time since I felt even close to this.

[Michael 93]

Wow. Didn't think I'd ever see myself on this part of the forum

 

The time has come where I genuinely need advice in a predicament I have with dating this girl..

 

I have recently began to move on and get over a relationship that finished around 8 months ago. I am finally starting to feel happy again and right now I am the happiest I have been in such a long long time. This is down to a woman I have recently met.

 

Quick intro I am 21 Y/O and she is 23 Y/O. I still live with my mom whereas she owns an apartment near to me with her 1 year old son (first time ive ever been involved with a mother) . She works as like a child support worker on a part time basis.

 

I have only known her a couple of months after mutual friends introduced us to one another on a night out. I found myself instantly attracted to her which has been really unusual for a while now. Since my split I have been with a few girls but non of them have really had me interested and eager to see more. I know that is very shallow of me but they all knew of the situation I was in. However, This one.....Its a lot different. We decided to meet up for a 2nd time the weekend just gone and again we went out for drinks with friends and a party..

 

It was amazing, we had an awesome time, although we were both fairly drunk we spoke and had a bit of a dance etc cracked jokes and generally had a good time. Since my break up I have still maintained my same approach with women and that is honest and affectionate, many of my friends have explained I should change but that is who I am and i refuse to be anything but true to myself. At the end of the night I explained I would make sure she got home safe and escorted her to a taxi. As we were waiting we kissed and fooled around a little bit, as I said she was drunk so didn't want to take advantage, she did seem quite shy and when speaking to me wouldn't look at me all of the time I could tell she was a bit nervous the same as me. She kept saying are you 21!?

 

I kind of took that as a red flag obviously me being younger than her, regardless we ended up going back to her place (which was absolutely immaculate by the way, lovely home!) and well... I will spare you details but lets just say it was amazing!!

 

The day after I asked if she would like me to come back on that night, this time we will both be sober and chill out (she made a point of saying she would be on her own) she said Yes and seemed genuinely excited. This night was much better as we spoke and joked more with us both being in a more sociable environment, relaxed and watched films, again I stayed over and well again....you know.

 

This is the bit that got to me, she seemed generally happy with me being there however when she woke up she seemed a bit more down that usual and a bit fed up. I asked her what was wrong and she just explained that she was a bit down and in a bit of a bad mood. I chilled with her for a while gave her a kiss, left and that was that.

 

Later that night I spoke to her, she explained that she was still in a mood and that she felt a bit messed up in the head, I asked if it was anything to do with me and she said No but that I was on her mind and that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing that I was..She didn't really elaborate on it much. She then went on to say she doesn't feel as though she should be talking to me I asked why? and she said because this is different to other guys I've met and been with.. She then insisted on saying she will definitely want to be seeing me again???!? I tried to delve deeper but she didn't really want to talk about it afterwards,

 

I'm just so confused man, don't get it at all..

 

Today she has been a bit better and she has never really been off with me on text at all, I just don't get her. We haven't really been speaking for long and only met again this last weekend, so don't want to come across too intense. But this is the first girl I've liked in a long time so could do with some advice.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Thanks

 

Mike

[preraph]

Well, she sounds moody. It's even possible it could be she's bipolar or something like that. Could be she's annoyed she actually likes you because it scares here. Thing is, you're going to have to just wait and find out. As you said, you can't get too intense because there is a good chance that will scare her off. So don't just start doing daily things with her. Give her some time in between dates to sort herself out. Don't text all the time. Just stay in touch maybe once daily. I mean, if she is a big texter, then fine, but it's hard not to escalate things if you're texting all the time, plus it's the least beneficial way of getting to know someone, the best being in person of course. So just slow it down and pace yourself. In time, you'll find out what her issue is. It's probably nothing to do with you. I hope she's not got another man somewhere and that's making her feel guilty. Just wait it out until she finally spills it.

 

Meanwhile, if she gets in any really bad moods where she's not treating you right, do not put up with that! It would only encourage it. You don't know her at all yet, so only reward good behavior and pace yourself.

[Michael 93]

@preraph

 

Thank you for your reply it is much appreciated.

 

It's very funny you should say that, when we were talking the other day she made a joke about her friend saying she was bi-polar. I didn't think nothing of it at the time I guess, If this is the case is it a big deal?

 

I intend on giving her space but like you said I wont go completely away. She has remained in contact with me as I was planning on giving her space she has messaged me a few times about random things (laptops we were discussing, what im up too etc). She does make genuine effort which I like... Its just this "Fuc*** up" thing she's talking about.

 

I agree with you, I thought it was that there was another guy in the picture. She squashed that theory but still I can't be too sure..I have a slight feeling it could be her sons father but its not really my place to get involved in that so...

 

Hoping this thing works itself out soon. I like this girl and I like this feeling !

[acrosstheuniverse]

I would kinda go slow with this one, it's a complicated situation. If her son is one years old, that means she only separated from his Father very recently. Even if she had split from him before the child was born, the bond of having had a baby with somebody is an incredibly strong one and perhaps meeting you and being intimate brought back some difficult feelings for her? Many women crave having the family unit together, and as it's unlikely for a very new Mother to decide to split from their child's Father when she's happy and in a vulnerable position, it sounds like maybe the Father was the one calling time?

 

Do you know anything about the situation with the child's Father, or why you suspect something might be going on there? Personally I wouldn't get involved with anyone whose child was under four or five minimum as it's all just too recent, and difficult/complicated, it's a lot to try and compete with.

 

Maybe I'm totally off with all this, it's certainly possible, but the fact she's recently separated and with a baby, and that she acted down after you'd been together, all seems to add up a bit.

 

Try not to get too serious on this one too soon. Sit back and relax, spend some time pondering yourself whether you want to get involved in such a complicated situation with so much baggage, don't be fretting about whether she wants you or not, consider whether you want her. Focus on dating and having fun because the absolute last thing you, she or the child needs is you to start spending time with him any time soon (I believe it should be several months, or hopefully more, before you meet the child) only for it all to capsize.

 

It's only been a few dates, so scale back and make sure you're not focusing on her too much.

[Ronni_W]

I think to label her as bipolar or some other mental disorder is really unfair...especially at this early stage.

 

I can see how she might need "time and space" to sort out and get rid of her own pre-conditioned, (negative) pre-perceptions about 21-year old males. Especially because she also has a 1-year old child to think about, and how her actions or inactions are going to impact him.

 

In her situation, of course I am going to have to think about things with this apparently super-nice 21-year old guy...at least, that's the way he's coming across to me now.

BUT...if he is so insensitive, emotionally unintelligent as to think me "bipolar" or even "moody"...well, then screw him. I was correct in thinking that he's not worth my time, effort, pursuing in the first place! I'm certainly not going to make myself vulnerable or put my son's well-being ahead of such a guy...that's fersure.

Edited August 19, 2014 by Ronni_W
spelling

[Michael 93]

Thanks for all your info and advice, its been great and have certainly taken it on board.

 

However, she has explained now what the situation was. She could sense I was a little off with her as I tried to be a little more guarded when speaking to her. This was just my own preference. I explained that I had a lovely weekend and I really enjoyed her company and the time we spent together and I like her, and that this was unusual for me as I hadn't felt like it for a long time. I explained our conversation previously had confused me a little when she said there was something on her mind and I was a bit worried about it.

 

Her response was.

 

 

"okok Im with you totally. I don't want to get hurt just as much as you don't, Its been a crap year for me and obviously with my son I cant rush things and I guess you know that. I enjoy your company and do want to spend time with you but as you kinda know I don't want to live around here any more. By the time my son is at school I definitely wont be around here. I'm going to complete my course and handing my notice in, so it will definitely happen, I've already discussed this with my parents. But like I said I do want to spend time with you"...

 

 

That's the latest anyway. I have acknowledged what she said and explained I am appreciative for her being so honest.

 

My plan is to back way off now and try to calm it down, I do not want to get involved too deep.

 

Not going to deny the fact I am a little wounded about this.

 

Still.... Onwards and Upwards!

[Michael 93]

She has since replied again and asked what I think about the answer and am I happy right now..

 

I said I respect her honesty and explaining her issues and I will be honest and admit I am a bit gutted, purely because she's such a nice girl.

 

She replied with "dont be gutted silly I STILL WANT TO SEE YOU"

 

That's all well and good, but why am I going to potentially work on this and give it my best shot, potentially fall for this girl, for her to then up and leave when moving house?

 

Thoughts everyone?

[ThorntonMelon]

Shes got you in an impossible place. She wants your attention, yet has issued the full disclaimer that she's not available in the way you want her to be.

 

So basically you two aren't going to work out. You'll probably hang out, you'll be a little guarded, she'll pick up on it, and eventually she'll blame you for ending it.

 

I would keep being honest with her about your feelings - in this case she's being incredibly inconsistent which I think sucks.

[acrosstheuniverse]

She has since replied again and asked what I think about the answer and am I happy right now..

 

I said I respect her honesty and explaining her issues and I will be honest and admit I am a bit gutted, purely because she's such a nice girl.

 

She replied with "dont be gutted silly I STILL WANT TO SEE YOU"

 

That's all well and good, but why am I going to potentially work on this and give it my best shot, potentially fall for this girl, for her to then up and leave when moving house?

 

Thoughts everyone?

 

If you see her, then you are setting yourself up for heartbreak if she moves away. I don't think she sees longterm potential in you anyway, as generally even if you have concrete future plans which involve leaving, if you meet the right person you wouldn't immediately write them out of coming along with you for the ride. You obviously wouldn't know you wanted them to so shortly after meeting them, but then that's probably another reason this will crash: too much pressure to think about the future, too quickly. You barely know one another.

 

I would have advised against telling her you're a bit gutted, and gone for the 'you're a great girl and you clearly have ambitions for the future, but I'm not looking for something that has an end date right now. I hope you find what you're looking for and all the best'. Leaves you free to meet the right person with some potential.

 

Sounds like it might be an excuse anyway. 'By the time my son is in school I will definitely have left here' he's what, two or three years away from school?

 

You're wasting your time I think.