Author kfm Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 Yep, you're probably right. The honest truth was that I wanted to address the two incidents that she said defined who I am and ultimately caused her to breakup with me. I had hoped that by addressing these, it might give her food for thought. But the reality is that's it's highly unlikely these two minor incidents were the main motivating factors. Whether she met someone else, her ex or just plain went off me, these are the more likely factors and any further communication from my end would make me look pretty pathetic. Will accept reality and dismiss the false hope that lies within many of us in these situations and do my best to move on. I'm guessing there isn't even any point in replying to her text with something like "thanks, wish you all the best"?
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 22, 2014 Posted August 22, 2014 I'm not sure what thread you should believe based on your question but they all come down to the same thing. Any response she gives you may either be. A.) A complete lie (new man in the picture) B.) A list of reasons (not really the main reason to keep you from being hurt) or C.) No reasons, because she doesn't really have them. Each of these comes with different types of relationship endings. GIGS, New partner in the picture, or simply the type of character she has. Something you need to understand. People wear masks. The person you fell in love with had one, and perhaps at one point you saw the real picture beneath, or it was in the breakup that the mask finally came off. People do this out of some perverse need to protect themselves, because due to the amount of hurt in our lives, we try to protect ourselves. This could simply be who she has always been because the mask has finally come off. You just don't know, and that's why people preach NC as the option to every relationship that ends, because what it comes down to is that the relationship you had is over, and the woman you fell in love with is essentially dead. She doesn't exist anymore, it's why women turn into monsters and treat their previous boyfriends like absolute crap, a complete 180 from what they used to be. Now we get to the essence of why everything you want to do will turn her completely against you. You do not know this new foreign alien object, you don't know it's personality, or it's desires. They are completely changed from the person you used to know, so every step you take could lead to your ruin. Then we come to the understanding that NC is designed to help us move on from that creature, because that one thing we loved truly is dead. It's why we go through the actual 5 stages of grief, which is reserved for people who pass away, cause guess what? Your partner has passed away, she's gone, never to return. Accept that, and you will become so much stronger than you thought capable of.
Author kfm Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 Thanks Requiem4Dream, that's a truly excellent post and truly talks to those who've lost a partner and are struggling to understand why. We all would like to know the reasons, perhaps for validation, to confirm our suspicions if someone else involved or to determine if it was over some misunderstanding that maybe you could clear up. But notwithstanding, the reasons are often elusive as you rightly point out, the only important factor at the end of the day is that they've decided to end things and effectively, all you can really do is move on. Thanks again
Author kfm Posted August 25, 2014 Author Posted August 25, 2014 Had posted an earlier threat about a completely unexpected breakup. Got it by text and she refuses to meet me. Having a really hard time moving on, have so much grief and a sense of loss I cannot explain. I feel I nearly can't function. I'm probably bordering on obsessive thinking about her and occasionally in denial about the whole thing. Was drinking to try to relieve some of the pain but I know this is not the best coping mechanism and a dangerous path. She never really gave me a proper explanation for the whole thing other than generic one liners. She refused to meet to discuss anything. I actually thought about calling in to her place to try and talk but I know that would border on stalkish behaviour and chose to avoid doing this. I suspect she may well have found someone else for the sudden breakup but she denied this (who ever does?!). Trying NC to the best of my ability but it's just so hard. We virtually never fought so I just can't figure any of it out. Time I know is the only fix in this but of all the girls I have ever dated, this one feels the most painful due to thinking she would be the one I'd marry. Finding it really hard to cope. Getting palpitations intermittently. Its been 2 weeks since the breakup. I actually thought about speaking to someone professionally but not sure it would really do much good. I'm prone to depression and this has really set me off. I'm 35 and feel like I have missed my chance at finding the one who I really loved. All my friends are married and settled so I feel pressure to settle myself. Obviously, her behaviour shows she was a different person to the one i imagined and perhaps sometimes we hold an idealogical version of our partners when reminiscing. We got along great. Maybe she wanted something else, thought the hills were greener or plain just met someone else. It's just so tough to think you got to start all over again. Even future dates, I feel I'm going to compare her to any of them and feel like I lost a great opportunity.
Requiem4Dreams Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 (edited) Finding it really hard to cope. Getting palpitations intermittently. Its been 2 weeks since the breakup. I actually thought about speaking to someone professionally but not sure it would really do much good. I'm prone to depression and this has really set me off. I'm 35 and feel like I have missed my chance at finding the one who I really loved. All my friends are married and settled so I feel pressure to settle myself. Obviously, her behaviour shows she was a different person to the one i imagined and perhaps sometimes we hold an idealogical version of our partners when reminiscing. As someone pointed out to me, you're 35 not 85. I'm 35 and the woman I was just with for 11 months and engaged to left me for another man. I know your pain, but I also know how I feel in this precise moment. It's been 1 full month since she left me for another, and I feel absolutely amazing. I feel this way because I have morals and ethics, I have boundaries that should never be crossed. My ex lied to my face in the weeks leading up to the death of our relationship, and I can not abide anyone lying to me. I also respect myself quite a bit to ever let a woman who left me for another come back to my life ever. She was a cheater and I'm putting that mildly right now as another name comes to mind. That idea about seeing a therapist? Run with it. It helps out so much, because you can air out every thought or idea without criticism and are offered coping mechanisms to help you through this transitional period. I wrote a list of short/long term goals. On that list I put down an archery set *Exactly like the Arrow tv show* it's going to cost me 2k, and I'm doing it because I've always wanted to learn archery. Archery like guns can provide food for people (I happen to live in Alaska) but they are far less offensive to my ears, I'm also planning a trip to Japan by summer because I will finally be done with my degree. Make plans and give yourself goals and achieve them. Set boundaries of what you're willing to accept and what you're not. Write a journal for anytime you have weak moments. Log on here and vent, vent, and vent again. We are all here to support you in these weak moments. You deserve better. Realize that, and you will win. Edited August 25, 2014 by Requiem4Dreams
johnson_j Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 KFM, I'm 35 too, and just a few months back sat in your shoes. One day, the girl who was "crazy about me" and "wanted a home and family with me" went cold overnight, a lover one day and a stranger another. I later unraveled the mystery but that sure as hell didn't help at the time. Let me tell you this: -It WILL get better. Don't contact her, don't ask for explanation. Just go NC. That will greatly reduce your recovery time. If wishx100000 that I had done that instead of the 4 month string along game of her trying to decide and keep me on the back burner. -Drinking isn't too bad. Just keep the phone away when you do so. It actually is the reason I'm here to type this today (long story) so I won't badmouth alcohol It going to get bad, real bad. Just know that one day it will get better, real better and then you'll be back to the person you were before, with the same great opportunities to meet someone worthy of your time and effort. If she was able to walk away that quickly now, just imagine how bad it would be after being married and having kids.
Author kfm Posted August 28, 2014 Author Posted August 28, 2014 Hey Johnson, Yeah, I guess it's a common enough occurrence but figure I'm probably just affected more cos was pretty attached & like you say, she was a lover & partner one day & a cold stranger the next. Wow, it's a tough one to get over when there weren't any fights or seeming dissatisfaction with things & one day, bang, they're gone without even seeing them or hearing them say it in person. How did you manage to figure out what went wrong? I'm guessing there might have been a 3rd party? In my case, we've no friends in common & no interaction on social media so while that's not a bad thing per se for moving on, it doesn't help that gnawing feeling to try figure what happened. Not that it helps move things on quicker but it's a weird one, half of you wants to know was there someone else & the other half would rather not know. Kinda destroys your trust in someone you gave yourself to & is hardly going to do wonders for your self-esteem and recovery. Guess I flirt between acceptance and denial, feeling that as things seemed (in my mind anyhow) going so well, that she'll come to her senses and come back. But of course, as most here know, that's not going to happen. Gotta stick with reality & not romanticise the whole thing. Often we may never know the reasons and will never get 'closure'. They ended it for whatever reason & that's all that really matters. My close friend who judgment I valued kinda shocked me last night when he told me he would have told her not to meet me and to cop myself on & move on. Seemed pretty harsh. Gotta be one of the hardest things to do re NC
bubbaganoosh Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 Look friend. There are other girls out there that you can get along with just fine but in order to find them, you have to clear your head and the only way you can do that letting go of this one. She isn't the right one for you and by continuing to try to keep in contact with her is only prolonging your hurt. If she couldn't make a simple phone call and tell you that is was over but chose to just send a text to me is just bad manners and lack of consideration. That in itself should make you wonder if you deserve better. Stop communicating with her and move on. the sooner the better.
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