I feel so guilty about initiating NC with my unhappy ex boyfriend

[pennyflower]

My boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago. We were long distance for almost a year (the entire length of our relationship) and the strain of knowing that it could be years until we both lived in the same place became too much, for me particularly. Neither of us were willing to subjugate our careers to move to be with the other person - it seemed too big a risk considering that we'd never lived in the same city at any point, we hadn't been together for that long, and we're both relatively young and in the beginning phases of our careers. Neither of us wanted to be held back, or hold the other back, and indefinite long distance seemed impossible.

 

It was a really difficult but amicable break up, and we both acknowledged that we still love each other but it's for the best. I'm heart broken, but I know I just have to get through this horrible, ****ty part and that ultimately I'll be better for this experience.

 

Now. He doesn't want to cut off contact, and I'm not sure where I stand on this. He's pretty unhappy in his job and where he's living and I have been his major source of emotional support - I know that he's afraid of losing me for that reason, but he also says that he doesn't believe that he has to lose me just because we're no longer together, when we have this connection and still care about each other. So he's still calling me, and because 70% of our relationship consisted of phone calls, it basically feels like nothing has changed, despite the fact that we're no longer all cutesy with each other. And while the gut part of me hates to lose him and wants to hold on to what we have, and hopes that it could become friendship, I'm afraid that this will stunt my ability to move on. I don't want to extend this painful period for longer than it has to be, or re-live it a few months down the track. But I don't want to lose him either! And I'm afraid that if I cut him off, I will. I also don't want him to be lonely and sad - although I know I can no longer function as his support network and need to prioritise my own mental health.

 

Basically, I'm asking if it is possible to transition into friendship after a break up, or whether a cool-off period is required. Ugh. I already know the answer but I think I need a push.

[longjohn]

My boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago. We were long distance for almost a year (the entire length of our relationship) and the strain of knowing that it could be years until we both lived in the same place became too much, for me particularly. Neither of us were willing to subjugate our careers to move to be with the other person - it seemed too big a risk considering that we'd never lived in the same city at any point, we hadn't been together for that long, and we're both relatively young and in the beginning phases of our careers. Neither of us wanted to be held back, or hold the other back, and indefinite long distance seemed impossible.

 

It was a really difficult but amicable break up, and we both acknowledged that we still love each other but it's for the best. I'm heart broken, but I know I just have to get through this horrible, ****ty part and that ultimately I'll be better for this experience.

 

Now. He doesn't want to cut off contact, and I'm not sure where I stand on this. He's pretty unhappy in his job and where he's living and I have been his major source of emotional support - I know that he's afraid of losing me for that reason, but he also says that he doesn't believe that he has to lose me just because we're no longer together, when we have this connection and still care about each other. So he's still calling me, and because 70% of our relationship consisted of phone calls, it basically feels like nothing has changed, despite the fact that we're no longer all cutesy with each other. And while the gut part of me hates to lose him and wants to hold on to what we have, and hopes that it could become friendship, I'm afraid that this will stunt my ability to move on. I don't want to extend this painful period for longer than it has to be, or re-live it a few months down the track. But I don't want to lose him either! And I'm afraid that if I cut him off, I will. I also don't want him to be lonely and sad - although I know I can no longer function as his support network and need to prioritise my own mental health.

 

Basically, I'm asking if it is possible to transition into friendship after a break up, or whether a cool-off period is required. Ugh. I already know the answer but I think I need a push.

Staying "friends" with an ex is never a good idea. Bad idea to remain in the past plus think how a future bf or if he gets a gf would feel about yous two being "friends". It'll cause issues.

[d0nnivain]

Because you were LDR maybe you can stay friendly. It's not like you were together all the time & the transition to friends only will make you miss the physical you can no longer have because you didn't get too much of that anyway.

 

If you are going to try this, you may need to set boundaries like no talking about the new romances in your life. I'd maybe try to gradually wean yourselves off each other, lessening contact over the next few months.

 

It's still not a great idea because any new people in your life are going to object to you being friends with an EX.

[pennyflower]

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 4 weeks ago - I've written about it in a previous thread, but in a nutshell: we were long distance from the beginning, with no forseeable end to the distance, it put a lot of stress on our relationship and culminated in our break up.

 

It was an amicable break-up and we both wanted to stay friends, but after being absolutely devastated for a few days, I put my foot down and initiated no contact, for the sake of my own recovery. Since then I have felt immeasurably better, and I suspect I'm happier now than I was for the second half of our relationship, despite the transient sadness I feel here and there.

 

My ex is struggling at the moment, not just with our break up. He's broken contact a few times to talk to me (each time I've reiterated that he please avoid doing it again). He says I'm the only one he can really talk to about how he feels, and the only one who's advice he actually believes is worth listening to. He was struggling while we were together - trying to leave his job and the isolated town he's stuck in, unsure about his career/future etc - and I might have been the only thing keeping him afloat (or that might be how he sees it). I worry that he's depressed, and that if I abandon him completely it will get worse. I've told him nicely that if things ever get dire, he can call me, but otherwise I want no contact at all - I feel like this is fair, but I still feel worried and guilty and strange about leaving him alone in his situation. It feels inhumane. He doesn't have the amazing support network that I have had to help me get through this rough time.

 

However, I know that the main reason I'm coping so well is likely the NC, and to establish regular contact again would likely take me back in the wrong direction - and I absolutely do not want to revisit the place I was in only a few weeks ago. I also don't want to start flirting with the idea of us getting back together, and I don't believe that we could have a truly platonic friendship this soon after the breakup - especially not one where I am his major support network.

 

Basically, I feel guilty for feeling as good as I do when he feels as bad as he does - and if talking to me would make him feel better, should I just TAKE the pain that it would bring me - like some kind of idealistic equilibrium of shared pain? I know it seems stupid, but it feels like an instinct to want to shoulder some of his pain, and sometimes I feel like I could do it - though rationality prevails and I push the idea away in the interest of my own survival.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation who could shed some light? Thank you for reading this long post!

[ThorntonMelon]

So basically this "wonderful" guy is guilt tripping you into staying in a relationship with him.

 

Since you're LD anyways, if you're his shoulder to cry on, what's the difference between being together and not?

 

He's not respecting you or himself. You're doing the right thing.

[PegNosePete]

I put my foot down and initiated no contact, for the sake of my own recovery.

...

My ex is struggling at the moment

Then you're doing no contact wrong. If you were doing it properly then you would never know this information. no contact means no contact! You do not find out any information about your ex. Every time you respond, you are encouraging him to break NC again, and showing him that what he is doing is working. Just ignore, ignore, ignore.

[music_and_poetry]

This is a weird question but can you nominate a friend (maybe a close mutual friend you have) or one of his family members to act in your place? Maybe not necessarily for giving advice but just someone to act as a listening ear from him while you take time away to heal?

 

See if you can find someone he can call instead for the next 60 days or something and then you can resume contact once you've moved on (if that's what you both want). There has to be SOMEONE he can talk to - his mom, brother, best friend, whatever. Worst case professional help.

 

I know you're trying to be a good person but if the break-up was as amicable as you say he should be understanding of your temporary need for space.

[pennyflower]

Then you're doing no contact wrong. If you were doing it properly then you would never know this information. no contact means no contact! You do not find out any information about your ex. Every time you respond, you are encouraging him to break NC again, and showing him that what he is doing is working. Just ignore, ignore, ignore.

 

I know that I "should" ignore him. He called me yesterday (to apologise for calling the day before, as I found out when he messaged me on facebook) and I didn't pick up (or reply to his fb message).

 

I'm finding it really hard to draw the line between him disrespecting the boundaries I've tried over and over to set, and him truly feeling alone and depressed enough to reach out. To be honest, I suspect that most of the times he has contacted me it's been the former, but the uncertainty makes me anxious. I'm very aware of what depression can turn into, particularly in young men who aren't inclined to talk about it. I've told him that if he desperately needs to talk to someone and I'm the only person he can fathom talking to, then he can - but he may be taking advantage of this.

 

Earlier on when he'd just contact me with meaningless things like jokes or links, it felt like he was actively trying to prevent me from moving on, whether he was cognizant of that or not - which makes no sense because we can't be together given the circumstances. I guess it's more likely that he was trying to re-define the situation to give himself a sense of control. It doesn't even matter - but it was easy to shut that kind of thing down with a blunt message - even though he'd still end up contacting me a few days later (and I'd ignore it). This part is harder to navigate...

[pennyflower]

This is a weird question but can you nominate a friend (maybe a close mutual friend you have) or one of his family members to act in your place? Maybe not necessarily for giving advice but just someone to act as a listening ear from him while you take time away to heal?

 

See if you can find someone he can call instead for the next 60 days or something and then you can resume contact once you've moved on (if that's what you both want). There has to be SOMEONE he can talk to - his mom, brother, best friend, whatever. Worst case professional help.

 

I know you're trying to be a good person but if the break-up was as amicable as you say he should be understanding of your temporary need for space.

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

Seeing as we lived apart, we don't really have any mutual close friends and I didn't know his family terribly well. The last time we spoke I had meant to try to encourage him to talk to certain people I know he's fairly close with, but I forgot to in the moment. I did recommend that he go see a doctor if it got worse or didn't go away, among other things.

 

Hopefully he'll be okay without me and won't need to get in touch for a good while, but if he does I'll try to keep it short and get that message across.

[Zahara]

I'm finding it really hard to draw the line between him disrespecting the boundaries I've tried over and over to set, and him truly feeling alone and depressed enough to reach out.

 

It's not his responsibility to adhere to your boundaries. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to enforce the boundaries and stick to it. It's not a boundary if you yourself cannot stand by it.

 

And if he is depressed or struggling with depression, he should seek professional help. You cannot be an enabler/crutch for his behavior and you cannot be what makes him better because what you are is his pain. He's seeking comfort from what pains him. Do both yourselves a huge favor and go NC and try to detach a little bit before contemplating a friendship.

 

To be honest, I suspect that most of the times he has contacted me it's been the former, but the uncertainty makes me anxious. I'm very aware of what depression can turn into, particularly in young men who aren't inclined to talk about it. I've told him that if he desperately needs to talk to someone and I'm the only person he can fathom talking to, then he can - but he may be taking advantage of this.

 

If he is struggling with depression, he needs to talk to a professional.

 

Earlier on when he'd just contact me with meaningless things like jokes or links, it felt like he was actively trying to prevent me from moving on, whether he was cognizant of that or not - which makes no sense because we can't be together given the circumstances. I guess it's more likely that he was trying to re-define the situation to give himself a sense of control. It doesn't even matter - but it was easy to shut that kind of thing down with a blunt message - even though he'd still end up contacting me a few days later (and I'd ignore it). This part is harder to navigate...

 

Again, if you both agreed to a break-up, then treat it as such. If you can't resist and want to be together, then do it. You can't be doing a little bit of both and trying to move on. It's not a break-up when one or both of you are still enabling dependency on one another.

Edited August 20, 2014 by Zahara