8 months on and getting worse...

[Little Penguin]

Ok so after reading through many threads on here looking for answers I thought Id post my own..

I ended my 17yr relationship 8 months ago, he was great, did no wrong, I just felt like we were like brother and sister living together. I love him very much but just could not see myself marrying him. Anyway instead of talking about things I fell for another guy, ex found out and left. At the start I was head over heels with this new guy, I was happy all of the time while my ex was heartbroken. Fast forward a few months and suddenly everything that happened caught up with me. I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid and thrown away my LTR. My ex is over me now and says he would never trust me or take me back again (understandable). He is now seeing someone.

 

 

Me and the new guy finished a few times, problems on both sides, I'm not over my ex and he has a lot of issues of his own. Now 8 months on I'm not sure how I feel about us anymore, I know I'm a long way from healing and I honestly do not think I will heal if I'm involved in another relationship. I've told him this time and time again but he says he loves me and wants to be there for me. One minute he says he'll give me the space I need but the next he says its too hard so we either get back or split up. A couple of months back we were having problems, he was starting rows for no reason and I just thought to myself I didn't need to put up with this s*** so finished it. I got bombarded with abusive text messages saying he hates me, I've broken him (he suffers from depression) and he will tell people what I am really like, he has smashed my stuff up, our relationship was a waste of time and he wished he'd never met me. Then an hour later he'd be all apologetic and say he didn't mean it that he's just hurt and loves me. This was so hard for me and made me even more confused than ever. Eventually though I got back with him, even though friends had told me to run in the opposite direction. One friend even told him his ex had to get a barring order as he wouldn't leave her alone. I confronted him about this and he denied it so still to this day I've no idea if its true or not.

 

 

My friends think I'm vulnerable and that I should be on my own for a while to figure things out and heal, etc, etc... Now I feel trapped cos I've just gotten back with him but I am constantly thinking about my ex and comparing them and whenever we're out I think about my ex that I should be out with him. I know we'll never get back together, too much has happened. I cant do the NC as we have a child together. I'm such a mess, I don't know what to do, I'm that desperate I've even started counselling. Any advise?? Is it a bad idea to get into a relationship straight after ending a LTR??

[Reels]

Since you had cheated him, you had created more problems.

 

You don't know how to deal with the mess that you had created? Your life should be now less about yours but for the mess you have created. If your new boyfriend needs you, you should be fulfilling his needs. After all you have no other choice and your ex has got over you very well.

[Little Penguin]

Since you had cheated him, you had created more problems.

 

You don't know how to deal with the mess that you had created? Your life should be now less about yours but for the mess you have created. If your new boyfriend needs you, you should be fulfilling his needs. After all you have no other choice and your ex has got over you very well.

 

I know I did wrong with my ex from the LTR and that's why I'm struggling, I feel so much guilt over it, he's such a nice guy and didn't deserve the way I treated him.

 

 

So what you're saying is put this other guy first?? And stay with him even if I'm not happy? Shouldn't we all put ourselves first?

[Reels]

I know I did wrong with my ex from the LTR and that's why I'm struggling, I feel so much guilt over it, he's such a nice guy and didn't deserve the way I treated him.

 

 

So what you're saying is put this other guy first?? And stay with him even if I'm not happy? Shouldn't we all put ourselves first?

Well that's why you are in conflict.

 

You are no more in the situation of putting yourself first. You have to think about those as well who might be living for you.

[Little Penguin]

Well that's why you are in conflict.

 

You are no more in the situation of putting yourself first. You have to think about those as well who might be living for you.

 

Living for me???

[Reels]

Living for me???

As you told that your new boyfriend wants to be with you, so at least him.

[Itspointless]

Since you had cheated him, you had created more problems.

 

You don't know how to deal with the mess that you had created? Your life should be now less about yours but for the mess you have created. If your new boyfriend needs you, you should be fulfilling his needs. After all you have no other choice and your ex has got over you very well.

Sorry man, I know that you are in pain but this isn't helpful advice, you are projecting your own pain onto the partners. People make mistakes, and no we do not have the obligation to make others happy, especially not when they have abusive traits. We are responsible for our own happiness.

 

Reading your story Little Penguin it sounds like you can better part from the new guy. And yes it did not sound like the wisest choice to skip partners, sorry. Perhaps their were other solutions in your previous relation and perhaps it is for the better your both parted.

Edited August 18, 2014 by Itspointless

[Zeurich]

Anyway instead of talking about things I fell for another guy, ex found out and left.

That is the spot of your own mess. I don't think there is much you can do about this as far as you have played like kid. I am not sure how come you say you loved your ex that much. I don't think you are able to see another guy if you ever loved your ex or respected him. There is no such a thing like living together as brother and sister you can say so if you never had sex with your ex boy friend. In my view those are silly excuses men and woman both making up after messing their own lives because of carelessness or what so ever those called.

Instead of talking how you feel to your ex you fallen on another guy and now he is giving you a hell and also there were few break ups in between too.

Me and the new guy finished a few times, problems on both sides, I'm not over my ex and he has a lot of issues of his own. Now 8 months on I'm not sure how I feel about us anymore, I know I'm a long way from healing and I honestly do not think I will heal if I'm involved in another relationship.

If you and your boy friend finish few times then it is clear you both are not sure what you both wants. You have to finish with your ex , He got over and he is not thinking about you because he is seeing some one so let him go from your head. Feeling guilty or regretting does not help it is waste of time and hurt lot other people. And don't expect your ex to take you back either. Don' think of getting involve with another man and make that also devastated. Jumping man to man's hand does not help no one. May be you may feel comfortable at first few days again the same scenario. First see what are the reasons make you guys fight, and try to work that out.

I've told him this time and time again but he says he loves me and wants to be there for me. One minute he says he'll give me the space I need but the next he says its too hard so we either get back or split up. A couple of months back we were having problems, he was starting rows for no reason and I just thought to myself I didn't need to put up with this s*** so finished it. I got bombarded with abusive text messages saying he hates me, I've broken him (he suffers from depression)

If he suffers from depression then it is clear his mind is not clear and some times he is not him self. And for what reason you ask space? Taking breaks or taking spaces does not help no one. Sit together talk to each other try to find from where the issues are coming from what can you both do for that how to work it out.

 

I just thought to myself I didn't need to put up with this s*** so finished it.

can you be that selfish in situation like this. ?

I confronted him about this and he denied it so still to this day I've no idea if its true or not.

I have a feeling you might be a person who complains a lot with arrogant vocabulary? If so then you have to learn how to talk softly. How to react to some one when he is mad. I am not sure if you realize how deep you made own mess is. Specially you have to have a lot patients if your BF depressed. They are like weather, some times they are very soft very gentle and very friendly some times very aggressive, ignoring, not willing to talk. So watch out when you talk.

 

My friends think I'm vulnerable and that I should be on my own for a while to figure things out and heal, etc, etc...

There is no wonder why your friends feel that.And for sure you you are. But no I don't think you should be on your own for a while. That give yo the selfish feeling "single" and you will falling in to another guy and you make another fatal error. So stick with the situation instead of ruining away.

 

Now I feel trapped cos I've just gotten back with him but I am constantly thinking about my ex and comparing them and whenever we're out I think about my ex that I should be out with him.

No there is no trapped. You got back to your family. It is your family. Stop thinking about your ex. And stop comparing that make more messes. Nothing you can get back your ex. The reason you think about him you regret for leaving such a good BF now you see the difference from men. Stop regretting.

I know we'll never get back together, too much has happened. I cant do the NC as we have a child together

.

So you have the child with your ex? And you felt bother and sister instead of father and mother for the child? And still you fallen to another guy?? Can you proud about your self as a good mother?. How you going to explain to your child someday when he or she get to know this stories? Have you ever thought about that?

I'm such a mess, I don't know what to do, I'm that desperate I've even started counselling. Any advise?? Is it a bad idea to get into a relationship straight after ending a LTR??

Yes you are. you can go for relationship therapist together with your BF. And follow the advices from the therapist and try to get your relationship back on the track.Going for counseling alone might help against stress but you have no other choice here as all the guilt on your hand. So my advice go to relationship therapist together get some help and work it out instead of playing games with heart mind and souls.

I don't think you end up the LTR in a decent way. You jump from LTR to another with out solving problems there, and also there is no space between two relationship. Yes it is a bad idea to jump from relationship to another and also quickly start another after break up.

I think no issue was the issue what has happened at your first relationship. I have been faithful wife always even my ex cheated me. I am divorced 6 years now. But still I feel I am not ready for a relationship so I am talking my time till my self settle down.

Just do a sacrifice and try to get your relationship back in to the track. Leave your mess behind. Start a new page think fresh. That might help. Don't try to make another mess just work it out together. Be patient, that is most important no one is complete either perfect. Good luck

[Reels]

Sorry man, I know that you are in pain but this isn't helpful advice, you are projecting your own pain onto the partners. People make mistakes, and no we do not have the obligation to make others happy, especially not when they have abusive traits. We are responsible for our own happiness.

 

How come? Please read Zeurich's post and that's exactly what I was trying to say. Whenever you take any step you have to be alert that you will deal with the outcome.

[Itspointless]

How come? Please read Zeurich's post and that's exactly what I was trying to say. Whenever you take any step you have to be alert that you will deal with the outcome.

If I reread the story I get the feeling that I miss information about this new guy. So yes this is not the best example of a good way of communicating by me reacting this strong to you.

 

I agree that we are responsible for our actions, but if the new guy really has abusive tendencies - her friends told her to run in the opposite direction - than I really would not recommend staying with that new man.

[Justaguy30]

If you are in a relationship with someone they come first. If you no longer want the relationship end it. If you keep going with the new guy who obviously cares about you or he wouldn't be sending nasty messages which are not abusive he is just hurt because you are leaving him stranded emotionally. Make your mind up and stop stringing people along. My ex did that to me and it really tore me apart. Its not fair.