It'sallnewtome Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 I am brand new on here.. And basically new to dating... After being married for 14 years. Ok so I need some objective advice. I met a guy online. We spoke on the phone a couple of times before we went on the date and quite a lot of texting. We got on really well. The date itself was nice we got along. It was after that it went pear shapes. So he messages me 2 seconds after I get in the cab and then calls Me when he gets home. Next day he adds me to Facebook so I put him in my restricted folder.. Can only see profile pics... He likes every photo He messages me like 30 times a day.. Sent me 12 roses to My work. Keeps telling me I am hiding back from him... (One date??) Now he is a nice guy but I am starting to freak out. So yesterday he tells me he can't wait for his son to meet me... I say: hold on it's been one date and this is starting to scare me. He goes on the defense and says: Sorry sorry sorry for not being what you want.. If you weren't ready for this you should have told me. You are playing with people's emotions by having dinner and accepting flowers... Um.. I am floored. How do you unaccept flowers?? So today he has written to me again saying please give me a chance.. I don't want to. I don't think he is for me.. How do I do it nicely?? He keeps saying he is new to this and therefore I should be more understanding.. But his whole reaction has turned me so far off... Help.. Me .. I don't want to be a cow!
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 I am brand new on here.. And basically new to dating... After being married for 14 years. Ok so I need some objective advice. I met a guy online. We spoke on the phone a couple of times before we went on the date and quite a lot of texting. We got on really well. The date itself was nice we got along. It was after that it went pear shapes. So he messages me 2 seconds after I get in the cab and then calls Me when he gets home. Next day he adds me to Facebook so I put him in my restricted folder.. Can only see profile pics... He likes every photo He messages me like 30 times a day.. Sent me 12 roses to My work. Keeps telling me I am hiding back from him... (One date??) Now he is a nice guy but I am starting to freak out. So yesterday he tells me he can't wait for his son to meet me... I say: hold on it's been one date and this is starting to scare me. He goes on the defense and says: Sorry sorry sorry for not being what you want.. If you weren't ready for this you should have told me. You are playing with people's emotions by having dinner and accepting flowers... Um.. I am floored. How do you unaccept flowers?? So today he has written to me again saying please give me a chance.. I don't want to. I don't think he is for me.. How do I do it nicely?? He keeps saying he is new to this and therefore I should be more understanding.. But his whole reaction has turned me so far off... Help.. Me .. I don't want to be a cow! You are under no obligation to "be nice" to a total psychopath. The only upside is that he's revealed his insanity so quickly. Tell him politely but firmly that you are not interested and ask him to stop contacting you. Block his number, email, Facebook, etc. DON'T delete his messages. Keep careful documentation of everything. If he does escalate---and based on what you've posted, he honestly sounds unstable enough that he very well may---then you'll want to print this out for the police. Also, tell a friend and at least one family member about what's happening. I know that sounds melodramatic but it's better to be safe than sorry. If he's old enough to be dating formerly married women, then he's old enough to know this is not OK. You have done nothing wrong. 7
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 I am brand new on here.. And basically new to dating... After being married for 14 years. Ok so I need some objective advice. I met a guy online. We spoke on the phone a couple of times before we went on the date and quite a lot of texting. We got on really well. The date itself was nice we got along. It was after that it went pear shapes. So he messages me 2 seconds after I get in the cab and then calls Me when he gets home. Next day he adds me to Facebook so I put him in my restricted folder.. Can only see profile pics... He likes every photo He messages me like 30 times a day.. Sent me 12 roses to My work. Keeps telling me I am hiding back from him... (One date??) Now he is a nice guy but I am starting to freak out. So yesterday he tells me he can't wait for his son to meet me... I say: hold on it's been one date and this is starting to scare me. He goes on the defense and says: Sorry sorry sorry for not being what you want.. If you weren't ready for this you should have told me. You are playing with people's emotions by having dinner and accepting flowers... Um.. I am floored. How do you unaccept flowers?? So today he has written to me again saying please give me a chance.. I don't want to. I don't think he is for me.. How do I do it nicely?? He keeps saying he is new to this and therefore I should be more understanding.. But his whole reaction has turned me so far off... Help.. Me .. I don't want to be a cow! Completely unacceptable behaviour on his part. Get him off Facebook so he can't contact/see your friends and family members. After that, tell him he's taken things way too quickly and that you don't think this is/will work out, but thank him for buying you dinner and flowers. After that, don't answer any phone calls or texts. Worst comes to worst, tell a trusted friend or family member who this guy is: give them photos, phone numbers, and details about him (what he does, where he lives, what he drives, etc) in case the worst happens. 4
Author It'sallnewtome Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Yes you are so right. I am 39 and he is 42. Ok will take your advice and keep Messages. Thank you.
Supernatural Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 He's really intense. Sucks his desperation ruined things. I think with someone such as this. You have to be bold. Don't worry about letting him down easy. Because if you're too nice he will keep coming back. "This is not working for me. You need to stop contacting me." Delete from facebook. Don't respond to texts. Don't answer any calls. If he shows up at your work or stalks in any manner. Notify someone. But hopefully it doesn't come to this.
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Wait... how did he get your work address to deliver the flowers? You gave him your work address within the first date?! 1
Author It'sallnewtome Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 It is a shame. I think he must have been very very damaged in a past relationship. Which is no excuse.
Author It'sallnewtome Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Wait... how did he get your work address to deliver the flowers? You gave him your work address within the first date?! Yeah.. I know.. This sucks. I work at a shopping centre so he had it delivered to centre management.
Zippy2000 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 These are dating red flags. He seems very clingy. Think! If its happening now. What will it be like when youre dating him? Read this a precaution: How Dr Alison Hewitt's 'dream date' turned into stalker and sent poison pen letters | Mail Online
Author It'sallnewtome Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 The bit that worried me most was this text: I am sorry. I am sorry, I am sorry I am not what you want. I am lost..
theexfiance Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 The bit that worried me most was this text: I am sorry. I am sorry, I am sorry I am not what you want. I am lost.. He's a little crazy. Remember, the most powerful word when dating is "NEXT." Know your worth and realize that this weird clinginess and insecurity so early on is not going to go away. It doesn't get better. His delusion regarding the seriousness of the date is another big red flag. We're all a bit shi**y at this as we're coming back into the game, but you'll get better at it. I'm sure you're a lovely attractive woman. Be patient! 2
Author It'sallnewtome Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 He's a little crazy. Remember, the most powerful word when dating is "NEXT." Know your worth and realize that this weird clinginess and insecurity so early on is not going to go away. It doesn't get better. His delusion regarding the seriousness of the date is another big red flag. We're all a bit shi**y at this as we're coming back into the game, but you'll get better at it. I'm sure you're a lovely attractive woman. Be patient! Thank you that's so very true. I have been separated 2 years and this is my first toe in the water! Thanks heaps .
Supernatural Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 These are dating red flags. He seems very clingy. Think! If its happening now. What will it be like when youre dating him? Read this a precaution: How Dr Alison Hewitt's 'dream date' turned into stalker and sent poison pen letters | Mail Online WOW! What a psycho! That ruined dating for her.
smackie9 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Ask him if he has ever seen the movie fatal attraction.....
Author It'sallnewtome Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 (edited) Ask him if he has ever seen the movie fatal attraction..... Lol.. I better lock up the rabbits! He is writing to me today and asking me to go out to dinner to discuss.. I said no.. So he said coffee? Movie? Something? I am going to tell him that he is not for me. I am wary of being too cold. I was friend zoned by the guy I liked so I know it hurts.. But I didn't beg for a second chance... I just vented in private lol Edited August 18, 2014 by It'sallnewtome
smackie9 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Just be honest, say he is being too clingy and it has made you feel extremely uncomfortable. Then proceed to tell him to stop all contact with you. 3
Strength in Healing Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Best thing you can do is be honest. For his own good. Tell him, as someone posted earlier, that he moved entirely too fast and turned you off. This will hurt him, sure, but it is vital that he hears accurate feedback so he knows what mistake not to make in the future. You will come off cold in HIS eyes at first, but in the end, he will thank you. Unless he stays crazy forever.
smackie9 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 I'm gonna go with crazy, total denial that he did anything wrong. 1
lollipopspot Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 This is very scary and one of the big reasons why I would be uncomfortable with on-line dating. You don't know who this guy is, or know anyone who knows him. He sounds like a true stalker. I don't know the best way to approach it, but you need to cease all contact ASAP. I would probably be very clear with him first: say he came on too intensely and you're very uncomfortable with it and for your own peace of mind you will be stopping all contact permanently. After that, don't engage no matter what he does, that will just be a reward for persistence. Look up a book called The Gift of Fear that talks about dealing with stalkers. Men here who continue to insist that on-line dating is so easy and great for women: rape and stalking are very real threats for women getting involved with strange men. 1
Author It'sallnewtome Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 Ok I wrote to him and said: Hey, I just thought that maybe it was not coming across clearly. You seem nice but you came on so strong and it made me feel very uncomfortable. It's not something I can overlook as it has only been one date and your reaction was more of a long term relationship ending. It's a learning curve and I am sure you will find the girl right for you, but it's isn't me. Good luck in the future. 2
Author It'sallnewtome Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 And he replied straight away. Fair enough but you seem to think it's ok to lead men on. You went out to dinner with me.You accepted flowers. I think you need to look at yourself. I am new to this and you didn't even give me a chance. I think you owe me a chance. Otherwise you are just being fake like all other women.
Strength in Healing Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Wow, trust me, block him immediately. If he persists in real life, threaten legal action. I deal with people like this all the time. 1
Author It'sallnewtome Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 Yes going to Do that now.. What's with the owing.. And the accepting flowers. I have to admit I am a little nervous of him now.
lollipopspot Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Since one in 20 women can expect to be stalked at some time during their lives, usually by men they once dated or married, it pays to know what to do if it should happen to you. Sometimes, men who have been rejected by women stalk to get revenge. These men, along with those who think ''if I can't have her, no one else will,'' can be especially dangerous... ''Once and only once, tell the person you want nothing to do with him. Don't try to be nice; it can only work against you.'' Dr. Hall, an expert on criminology at California State University at Bakersfield, emphasizes the importance of taking any stalking behavior seriously and dealing with it aggressively from the outset. ''If someone's behavior seems out of line, if it is making you uncomfortable, something's up,'' she said. ''You have a better chance of putting a stop to it if you don't give it a chance to accelerate.'' CUT OFF ALL CONTACT Personal Health - Do's and Don'ts for Thwarting Stalker - NYTimes.com 1
Author It'sallnewtome Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 Personal Health - Do's and Don'ts for Thwarting Stalker - NYTimes.com Thank you. I needed that. Ok going to delete him and block him
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