mightycpa Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 I've also had to do this in a LDR I was in. Isn't that typical in LDR's? Being there counts for a lot.
MissBee Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 (edited) Isn't that typical in LDR's? Being there counts for a lot. Not sure if it's typical but the point is that in any relationship where some kind of constraint exists (LDR, affair, your partner has a child so you can't see them as often)...if there is anything that prevents things from progressing at the same speed as your feelings, it makes perfect sense, and is a typical reaction that people will erect boundaries to protect their feelings, whether it is successful or smart is neither here nor there, but I think it's a pretty typical reaction when faced with strong feelings + something blocking progress. If this guy just wanted to do whatever he wanted and didn't care, IMO he wouldn't complain about seeing her only once a week. He would be GLAD to have the rest of time free to do whatever. So it seems more logical that he genuinely cares and this is to protect his feelings. Edited August 18, 2014 by MissBee 3
rester Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 It makes sense. It's about becoming more emotionally involved in a frustrating situation or a situation where you're not getting what you need. That is a very difficult position to be in. It's one thing when you're emotionally invested and things feel like they are growing along with your feelings versus when your feelings are increasing but the situation is constraining. I can only compare it to for example, a woman seeing a married man. She may start falling in love with him, but he's married and she can't have all she wants so may propose slowing down, or not having sex anymore or other things to erect boundaries to protect her feelings, as though she feels strongly, the situation itself isn't changing along with her feelings and she doesn't want to be totally devastated later. For him, I understand it similarly. In the sense that if you want to build a relationship but can only see someone once a week but you want to do more and see them more and have more but it doesn't seem possible...you slow it down and erect boundaries so that you don't fall further but are met with frustration or disappointment. Nothing is weird about this to me. I've also had to do this in a LDR I was in. I was falling more and more in love but becoming so frustrated with only seeing him every few months. It was very hard for me to cope with those strong feelings but still kind of feeling like I didn't have a a bf and things weren't progressing (add to the fact that I felt I pushed more to see him than he did with me so I felt he was the one holding up the relationship). So for me I slowed things down and called less and did less because I felt like I was gonna be devastated if I continued emotionally investing in a relationship that was uncertain and where I'm hardly seeing it. I agree with all of this and have been in both situations on both sides of it. It's difficult when two people want to be together but schedules and other situations prevent it. This guy is smarter than I was when I got into a relationship with a single mother. I was only able to see her twice a month. I had been introduced to her daughter a couple months in, but we would only see each other when her daughter was away at her father's, which was every other weekend. It got to be exhausting for the woman I was dating because she was giving me every free weekend she had and was feeling smothered. I was as patient as I could have been but it was frustrating. I stuck it out for too long (6 months) and ended up feeling like she was stringing me along and I ended it. It was hard to do because I had developed deep feelings for her. I have also been on the other side of it in a long distance relationship. I was okay with the limited time we got to see each other, but she was not. Neither of us wanted to end it and we held out for a very long time. 1
MissBee Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 @rester Yea. It is definitely common that sometimes you may feel strongly for someone or want to be with them but circumstances prevent that or make it frustrating, so you end up having to make choices that seem contrary to how you feel. With the LDR guy, it was not that I didn't really love him, I so did. But love within the wrong circumstances where you're just feeling frustrated and stagnant is a pain...literally. So even though you have strong feelings you sometimes make decisions to protect your heart.
Author bmh Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 Thanks for all the responses. Sorry I'm just getting back...but let me clarify...it's not that I DONT want to see him more....I work every other weekend 12 hr shifts getting off after 10....during the week I'm getting off at 11.... So on my days off.. 2-3 days a week...I try to see him at least once during those days...I understand him wanting more I do too but at the same time it is extremely difficult until we decide it's the right time for him to meet my daughter....I will sit down with him and have a talk about how he wishes to proceed...thanks again for your input!
Divasu Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 to be honest, I think he's just communicating his feeling to you, albeit not in a particularly effective manner because backing off from this level of contact simply means it would die off slowly. In short he wants to see more of you - but if you are unwilling to do so, he will put distance between the two of you to protect himself. He may feel more invested in this than you are. This... It might not make sense to you, but having been in his shoes, I understand what he means by it.
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