bmh Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 I've been dating this guy for two months....I'm a single mother and he hasn't met her yet so due to me having her and my work schedule we see each other about once a week..he calls and text a lot..we care a lot about each other but he feels that once a week just isn't enough for him because he wants to see me more so suggested we "slow" things down because it's hard from him to be this attached and not be able to see me more...I see him 4 times a month idk how much slower you can get...he doesn't act any different over the phone etc...what exactly does he mean by this?? Thanks in advanced
anne1707 Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 So basically he is trying to make you feel guilty whilst he frees up his time to date other women. Sorry but his logic is complete rubbish and you deserve better than this.
Author bmh Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Lol thanks! Just wanted a second opinion on what I already suspected!
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 I've been dating this guy for two months....I'm a single mother and he hasn't met her yet so due to me having her and my work schedule we see each other about once a week..he calls and text a lot..we care a lot about each other but he feels that once a week just isn't enough for him because he wants to see me more so suggested we "slow" things down because it's hard from him to be this attached and not be able to see me more...I see him 4 times a month idk how much slower you can get...he doesn't act any different over the phone etc...what exactly does he mean by this?? Thanks in advanced Sounds pretty clear: if you two can only commit to one day a week to see each other, then he wants it to be slower than if you were seeing each other every day. 1
eleve82 Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 to be honest, I think he's just communicating his feeling to you, albeit not in a particularly effective manner because backing off from this level of contact simply means it would die off slowly. In short he wants to see more of you - but if you are unwilling to do so, he will put distance between the two of you to protect himself. He may feel more invested in this than you are. 9
theexfiance Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 So basically he is trying to make you feel guilty whilst he frees up his time to date other women. Sorry but his logic is complete rubbish and you deserve better than this. Sorry, but I don't agree with this at all. What it sounds like to me is that he is saying he is having trouble becoming more emotionally invested in you and your life without being able to see you more. Slowing things down is not a reference to seeing you less. If anything, it means he would love to see you more and get closer to you and get to the level where he could meet your daughter, but the way things have gone is preventing that from happening. 3
Supernatural Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Sounds like he is giving you an ultimatum. Either you see him more, or he has to remove himself. He cares about you a lot. 1
anne1707 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Sounds like I am the odd one out on my opinion.... If he cares so much than he would either want to stay in the relationship as it is and accept that the OP is unable to see him more often just yet. It may well be that in the future, they can see more of each other when she feels happy to introduce him to her children. If however he feels unable to do that then the next option is to end the relationship because of a lack of compatibility in relationship styles at this stage in their lives. To see less of each other will damage the relationship. It almost feels like blackmail to me - "see me more often or I will choose to see less of you (and be able to date other women in the meantime)" 1
ascendotum Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 So basically he is trying to make you feel guilty whilst he frees up his time to date other women. Sorry but his logic is complete rubbish and you deserve better than this. Being a single mom she does certainly have time constraints, but if its not meeting the guy's requirements for a relationship, then it shouldn't be that he cant express his disappointed so he can be accused of making her feel guilty. I'm sure that's the outcome, but its tough luck for her and also for him too that this situation is not working well. I agree his logic to slow it does does seem counter intuitive but maybe its in the hope she will make more time for him. Its not asking for a lot...more then 4 days a month, and its not a case of her deserving better because he wanted more than a casual/PT/fwb style relationship. Is a more deserving guy one who subjugates what he wants for what suits her. They just need to have an upfront talk over what each of them expects. If they cant come to an agreeable solution..its just not meant to be. 1
guest569 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 (edited) Why doesn't he see you more often? I agree that it sounds like an ultimatum "if i dont start seeing you more often im out of here cause i need to protect my feelings" it sounds like he might be insecure or unsure of where the relationship is going and wants your reassurance or a discussion of somed sort.. Thats just me.. Edited August 18, 2014 by smiley1
anne1707 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Wrong. You don't stay in a relationship you're not happy in. Exactly my point. If he is unhappy then he should end the relationship. I don't think he is that unhappy however.
PegNosePete Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 he feels that once a week just isn't enough for him because he wants to see me more so suggested we "slow" things down because it's hard from him to be this attached and not be able to see me more Err.. I think everyone has read your post a bit wrong. He is saying that he wants to see you more because he is getting attached and doesn't feel that once a week is enough for him. This sounds totally normal to me, when a guy gets attached it is natural to want to spend more time with you. Then he is saying that if you don't agree, and want to stick to once a week, that he feels you should not progress your romantic involvement any further. So... what do YOU want? Do you want to see him more, or do you want to back off? It's decision time.
BikerAccnt Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 to be honest, I think he's just communicating his feeling to you, albeit not in a particularly effective manner because backing off from this level of contact simply means it would die off slowly. In short he wants to see more of you - but if you are unwilling to do so, he will put distance between the two of you to protect himself. He may feel more invested in this than you are. ^This I think this is probably it. I'm kind of of going thru the same thing with my GF of six months.. The past two months, due to scheduling issues, we've only seen each other once a week. That's not enough for me. I understand scheduling difficulties, we are both busy people, and I don't expect to be #1, but, #10 isn't going to work either! I too think I am more vested in this relationship than she, that's fine. But like your bf, I feel I need to slow down...my feelings. Not necessarily time, 'cause as you said, how much slower than once a week can you get? 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Exactly my point. If he is unhappy then he should end the relationship. I don't think he is that unhappy however. You can be unhappy with certain aspects of a relationship but not the relationship entirely. Not everyone is so willing to end relationship after relationship because some things aren't going the way they like. Jesus, if everyone followed that logic we'd all be single. OP isn't really making much of an effort. I mean, there are people who see their FWBs more than four times a month! Good grief. 4
anne1707 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 You can be unhappy with certain aspects of a relationship but not the relationship entirely. Not everyone is so willing to end relationship after relationship because some things aren't going the way they like. Jesus, if everyone followed that logic we'd all be single. OP isn't really making much of an effort. I mean, there are people who see their FWBs more than four times a month! Good grief. But the relationship will not get any better if they see each other less often. If he wants to see her more and she cannot do that then this proposed reduced contact just seems to keep them in limbo
Art_Critic Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 So basically he is trying to make you feel guilty whilst he frees up his time to date other women. Sorry but his logic is complete rubbish and you deserve better than this. I'm with anne on this one...
Gaeta Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 I don't think he meant he wants to see you less, I think he means he wants to slow down the constant communication because that is what nourishes this relationship so far and gets him deeply involved. He also said he wants to slow down but communicates as often because it's hard for him to slow down. This man likes you a lot and cannot make himself distance himself from you even if it's the smart thing to do if you cannot give him more. You've been dating 2 months. You've had time to size this man by now. If you want this relationship to go somewhere you need to give it more time to develop. I personally think 3 months dating before introducing young children is the best but you decide how you feel about it. So here's my solution to you. It's time to introduce your child. I am not talking about him staying over at your place here, I am talking about having a day out together, maybe dinner at home. The real question here is what do YOU feel for this man? Where do you want this relationship to go? The reasons why you guys cannot get together more often is YOUR situation so it's YOUR job to offer alternative. You go ahead and give this man more time or you tell him exactly when you will be ready to introduce him in your life for real.
Omei Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 So OP As everyone else has stated sounds like he needs to see you more because hes unhappy at how little it is for how deeply he cares, so tye question is do YOU care enough to make more time for him? Having a child and work are not really great excuses I feel if someone cares enough they will make time. 1
isisisweeping Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 He's saying he can't progress romantically only seeing you how he is now. He's expressing his needs, while saying he understands yours. If you want the relationship to move forward, you need to find a way to move forward more. Otherwise, it is stagnating. And intentional or not, stagnating is an upcoming relationship end. 1
mightycpa Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Sounds like I am the odd one out on my opinion.... If he cares so much than he would either want to stay in the relationship as it is and accept that the OP is unable to see him more often just yet." I think that's what he's trying to say, albeit very inarticulately; that his feelings are progressing faster than the actual relationship is. One-sidedness is a very valid reason for not staying in the relationship, and I get the feeling he thinks that things aren't even, and that he doesn't have the upper hand. He wants to establish some balance and mutual risk. For all he knows, there are a couple of other guys who fill up some time he might otherwise have. It is not an unreasonable fear. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 I'm with anne on this one... Me too. He wants to see you less because he is getting too emotionally involved? Please
MissBee Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 I agree with some of the others. I personally would feel frustrated in a relationship where I only saw my bf once a week or 4 times a month. I understand your constraints, but I can also understand how he feels and where he is coming from. Seems like he wants more and is frustrated and is trying to emotionally detach or slow things down is code for hoping it will die off slowly instead of him becoming more and more invested but things stay the same. You should sit down and have a real conversation. Ask him if this is what he means or how does he feel. See if there is a way to compromise or if at this time you just can't give each other what you all need.
mightycpa Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Me too. He wants to see you less because he is getting too emotionally involved? Please Seriously? Given that he's inarticulate, because many disagree about what he meant.... let me try this out on you: ES: I can pencil you in for this Tuesday, after Matilda goes to bed. How's 9 - 11 for you? Me: Eternal Sunshine, I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm going crazy, I miss you when I'm not with you, and when I'm with you I don't want to leave. I need to see you more than this. ES: No good, huh? Ok, how about Thursday, same time? Me: How about the rest of your life?!?!?! Don't torture me. ES: Well, she does have a play date on Saturday at 10AM. I could give you a couple extra hours then. Me: I just can't do this any more... I can't put my heart through this. ES: OK, well, give me a call when you get your schedule figured out. Me: Goodbye forever! I will always love you! :D:D:D You see, this is the problem when the people in a relationship lack intimacy, and will not say what is on their minds. It is one thing if you're in your teens doing that, but if you're 25 or older? It reeks of immaturity. 1
MissBee Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Me too. He wants to see you less because he is getting too emotionally involved? Please It makes sense. It's about becoming more emotionally involved in a frustrating situation or a situation where you're not getting what you need. That is a very difficult position to be in. It's one thing when you're emotionally invested and things feel like they are growing along with your feelings versus when your feelings are increasing but the situation is constraining. I can only compare it to for example, a woman seeing a married man. She may start falling in love with him, but he's married and she can't have all she wants so may propose slowing down, or not having sex anymore or other things to erect boundaries to protect her feelings, as though she feels strongly, the situation itself isn't changing along with her feelings and she doesn't want to be totally devastated later. For him, I understand it similarly. In the sense that if you want to build a relationship but can only see someone once a week but you want to do more and see them more and have more but it doesn't seem possible...you slow it down and erect boundaries so that you don't fall further but are met with frustration or disappointment. Nothing is weird about this to me. I've also had to do this in a LDR I was in. I was falling more and more in love but becoming so frustrated with only seeing him every few months. It was very hard for me to cope with those strong feelings but still kind of feeling like I didn't have a a bf and things weren't progressing (add to the fact that I felt I pushed more to see him than he did with me so I felt he was the one holding up the relationship). So for me I slowed things down and called less and did less because I felt like I was gonna be devastated if I continued emotionally investing in a relationship that was uncertain and where I'm hardly seeing it. 3
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