[31 M] with my girlfriend [30 F], Is her behavior reasonable? Is the problem with me?

[heelpm8]

[31 M] with my girlfriend [30 F], Is her behavior reasonable? Is the problem with my girlfriend.... or me?

 

-- Met a woman on the internet in 2006 and we used to talk to each other for hours daily. She had a boyfriend at the time. I fell in love with her and she started ignoring me. She ignored me for a year. I didn't know what had gone wrong and would write to her every so often wishing her well and that if she wanted me to stop contacting her for her to tell me.

 

-- She reconnected with me again saying she was sorry that she ignored me and that she was having a tough time with her now ex-boyfriend because he was harassing her and stalking her and it was a bad relationship. Soon after I found out that she had lied to me about her name. I was in shock and in pain that she could have lied to me for so long. She told me she hadn't wanted to give out her name on the internet. We decided to meet (she lived in the UK and I in the US) but she kept putting me off saying she needed to earn money and then get some kind of qualification through work. Finally she flew out to see me.

 

-- It went well for a bit but then she started to seem resentful, for instance I would go for walks alone often and leave her in the apartment and she seemed resentful that I wouldn't show her around the city. I would ask her where she wanted to go and she didn't seem to know. In this time I found out she had lied to me and had flown to Europe with a female friend after she failed some exams and hadn't told me... I was pretty down about this.

 

-- Anyway she returned home to the UK and didn't contact me for 2 weeks. I rang her from a call box in the snow trying to keep in contact with her. She told me it wasn't working out and she made the choice to start a university degree in the UK. We then stopped talking. I would contact her every so often and she would reply maybe after a week saying hi and that she was busy. During this time I developed severe anxiety. I had held out for this woman and had got nothing in return! I had failed.

 

-- I then decided to date and sleep with other women and finally gave up trying to contact this woman and moved in with another woman. I lived with my new girlfriend for 5 years although I had planned to go traveling. She invited me to stay and... I just didn't move. I didn't love her and I told her this - but I cared for her and she was my 'resting place' or so I thought. I gave up work for 5 years and started reading for up to 11 hours a day. My then girlfriend never once asked me to contribute to paying rent as she thought I had a talent for writing and wanted me to have time to gather my thoughts. I really did learn a lot in this time and I am grateful to her for this HOWEVER during this time she cheated on me by talking about our sex life to her ex so he could get off on it. I vomited when I found out and told her to show me all her conversations. She wasn't the resting place I thought I had found.

 

-- Out of the blue I get an email from the internet ex who I had loved for years. She said that she was going to visit my city for a work/holiday. We started communicating. I told her I was unhappy in my relationship and that my girlfriend had cheated on me and I was looking to move out. When visited it was amazing but I did not trust her - she kept talking about one of her ex's and how he upset her (she had had some sexual contact with 2 guys in the past 7 years I had not seen her.. handjob and frottage which I hated to think about). I decided to see how things would go. I told my then girlfriend that I would be intimate with the internet woman if I wanted to and frankly felt it was something she owed me. I then agreed with the internet woman that we were together and that I would not sleep with the woman who had been my girlfriend for 5 years.

 

-- I had a change of mind however and kept sleeping with my girlfriend because quite frankly we had never broken up and I felt the internet woman I loved owed me to have a gentle ending with my girlfriend.

 

-- After the internet woman found out she went absolutely crazy. She was verbally abusive and called me a whore for living with a woman for 5 years not contributing much money to the household. This only served to make me more wary of pursuing anything with her and I kept sleeping with my girlfriend. Also - the internet woman would meet up with a male friend who I know she wasn't doing anything with but I felt she owed me to stop meeting this friend (they had been friends for 4 years).... She didn't so I didn't stop sleeping with my girlfriend. My girlfriend told me she felt that I was toying with her, but I told her I wasn't and that I wanted to keep sleeping with her.

 

-- Anyway - I eventually visited the internet woman and she has been acting crazy as **** for months. She doesn't forgive me for sleeping with my girlfriend after I said I wouldn't and one minute she hates me and the next she says she loves me. I am wondering if she has borderline personality disorder. She says that she feels I am controlling and don't let her see her friends, but it's only her male friend I don't want her to see. I still email my now ex-girlfriend and she has said she will allow me to stay with her again maybe as a room-mate when I return to the US. The internet woman absolutely hates me for this and abuses me daily. I told her that she should never have split up with me and it was her choice and that she had constantly lied to me in the past e.g., about her name and the fact that she went to Europe before visiting me for the first time.

 

Is she behaving in a rational way? Loving and hating me?? I don't know where I stand with her.

 

tl;dr: Current girlfriend idealizes me and then knocks me down. Seems like she has borderline personality disorder and needs help. Have anyone experienced this?

[smackie9]

I wouldn't be looking at them but maybe take look at yourself....read up on codependency.

[TigerLilly78]

You seam to think these women "owe you" alot when in reality they don't you have used them and played mind games to the point they are now acting out because of it cause and effect as the person said above me you need to stop blaming them and take a long hard look at yourself..

[CarrieT]

Smakie and TigerLily nailed it.

 

You, the OP, are the problem...

[aussietigerwolf]

Op please tell me you're a troll because otherwise... OMFG... Wow! But totally agree with the others, you are the problem. In fact your problems are big enough to cover the enterprise E

[heelpm8]

Op please tell me you're a troll because otherwise... OMFG... Wow! But totally agree with the others, you are the problem. In fact your problems are big enough to cover the enterprise E

 

What do you think my problems are? No one has outlined them, only told me that I have them or that I am the problem.

[theexfiance]

What do you think my problems are? No one has outlined them, only told me that I have them or that I am the problem.

 

If I can be 100% honest with you, your problem might be that you're a sociopath. You seem to have little (no) empathy for the women you cross paths with. Based on your post, you view women as sexual objects and openly use them, belittle them, and then throw them out like yesterday's garbage with no consideration for the impact that this may have on their lives.

 

If you re-read your post, you attribute all of the emotions of the women in your life as being due to something external such as being "psychopathic (e.g., crazy)" or "irrational" or some other term that belittles their feelings and reasons for feeling as they do (and absolves you of any responsibility).

 

I strongly suggest that you receive psychological help (I have a master's degree in psychology). The reactions these women have had to your behavior are perfectly reasonable, so to answer your question: yes. The problem is you.

[heelpm8]

If I can be 100% honest with you, your problem might be that you're a sociopath. You seem to have little (no) empathy for the women you cross paths with. Based on your post, you view women as sexual objects and openly use them, belittle them, and then throw them out like yesterday's garbage with no consideration for the impact that this may have on their lives.

 

If you re-read your post, you attribute all of the emotions of the women in your life as being due to something external such as being "psychopathic (e.g., crazy)" or "irrational" or some other term that belittles their feelings and reasons for feeling as they do (and absolves you of any responsibility).

 

I strongly suggest that you receive psychological help (I have a master's degree in psychology). The reactions these women have had to your behavior are perfectly reasonable, so to answer your question: yes. The problem is you.

 

 

Not true at all. I care very much about both women - but they lied to me and I needed to protect myself.

[heelpm8]

Any other views?