should I end things

[geekgirl99]

I hope I can get some disinterested advice here. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 ½ yrs, we got together in rather dramatic circumstances (I was coming out of a bad relationship) and we had a few challenges to deal with (we had a long distance relationship and hostile parents on both sides)

However we weathered all that and a year ago I moved myself and my son to the city my boyfriend has been attending University in. We knew he wanted to stay here when he graduated, I loved the city and it hit all my tick list for a good place to live and then I got offered a good job there near to a good school for my son.

 

So, I moved, and for 6 months it was great, we spent Christmas together with my son, all three of us. It was lovely. We started planning our future, he was going to get whatever work he could as soon as he graduated and volunteer to gain experience in the field he wants to work in. Then we planned on getting married in a couple of years time when he’d got permanent employment and to give my son time to adjust etc.

 

It got to May/June and things got very odd, he was distant, uncommunicative and sex dried up. I tried to be supportive as I knew that he was finding final exam period to be hard. However it was really impacting on our relationship so I asked him to talk to me, after around 5 weeks of saying nothing was wrong he suddenly told me that he felt ‘awkward’ around me and uncomfortable. That was it, he didn’t know why, and he was unwilling to talk about it further or try and explore why. He just withdrew even more until friend and family noticed.

 

Eventually it got to graduation, and I found myself uninvited from the whole affair. He decided to give his two tickets to his parents which I was a little upset about, and then with less than 36 hrs to go he asked me not to come to the follow up drinks with friends and a meal out. This was horrendously upsetting, and hurt my son as well. He is 9 and was very close to my boyfriend, he didn’t understand why we suddenly couldn’t go.

 

I was angry, and hurt. I talked to some mutual friends who suggested that maybe he was struggling with the transition from f/t uni and worried about what to do next, they said it could be a very scary time. So instead I gave us another shot but also gave him an ultimatum, we had to talk. He had been stonewalling me and completely withdrawing and even if things were over I wanted him to speak to me face to face about it.

 

The talking hasn’t helped. It seems to, when we are there together, because a big part of me misses him. So having him there, close and sometimes even hugging me is lovely. But I’m realising that not only have we not resolved the initial issue but that there are other issues.

 

We seem to have very little in common, I thought we were going to grow together, we share one interest which was a big part of what we did together in the first 18 months. However when we lightly discussed other topics we seemed to have the same views and tastes so I assumed as we spent more time together, and moved closer that we would start to discover shared interests.

I also thought we would start to build that ‘couple’ feeling, you know when you talk about things you share and do together.

 

Actually the opposite has happened, he barely talks about anything except our shared hobby, and his own passion for a sport.

 

He doesn't read, and only watches a certain genre of TV/film

He doesn't really do outdoor stuff, I have an allotment, love trail running and what my son calls ‘adventure walks’

He doesn't get involved in things or social activities, I’m slightly limited because of childcare but I like to go out and join groups. I gave up one dance group because he got huffy about me going to something without him, but then he didn’t want to go with me.

 

And the big issue, I have strong ethical views about ‘doing good’ for want of a better word, and about community involvement and anti materialism. He doesn't share those views, in fact he seems to really value money and material possessions.

I’m also a Quaker (non theist) and he is very dismissive of that, he says he has no spiritual side at all and doesn’t see why you would even discuss it.

So today we met up after I and my son had attended a Quaker meeting. It was horrible, we’d had an involving, welcoming morning, with a pot luck lunch, socialisation, shared experience, and activism, planning for social and ethical change.

I’d talked to people about the windfall plums we were turning into chutney, the benefit cuts and the effect on mental health users, chatted to a lovely couple visiting from Spain comparing education systems, and talked about changes in the scouting movement.

 

Then I sat in my living room for 2 hrs trying desperately to open up a conversation with my boyfriend, I talked about our shared interest, I asked his opinion, I suggested an event we could go to together, I asked about his new job, his family, invited him to tell me how things were going. And every open question, every reaching out was met with a single word or closed response.

 

I can’t keep doing this, I don’t know what has gone wrong but it feels awful. I simply cannot believe this is the same man I was planning our best man and woman outfits and first dance music with 6 months ago.

[HappyLove]

You two are not compatible. Point blank. Better to find out now than after marrying him. I hope you truly do love that city and didn't uproot your kid for a man you clearly aren't compatible with.