makeithappen Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Hello all, As you may be aware, I moved out of home because of a terrible relationship with my family. Our recent estrangement has made me re-assess them as individuals. Basically, I reflected a lot on what had happened and discovered that my sister had been lying to my family about me on a repeated basis. Lies which in the end, my parents believed in. My mum is not innocent either: when I reminded them that I was hurt about what an older sister had said, she denied that such thing was said at all!!!! She called ME a liar! I could not believe my eyes. It is so painful that my own mum lied to protect my other sister. Anyways, since I realised that they had not always been honest, I started re-assessing why I kept away from my cousins whom they told me were evil. In my family, if one member gets into an argument with someone else, we all need to stop interacting with that person. Plus, my relatives have been evil to my parents, so I understand why they were so intent on me wanting to cut off links with them. Thing is, despite what my uncle and his wife have done to my family, my cousin has nothing to do with this. However, my parents had told me that she was as evil as her parents and told me what she has said about me. So, my mum made me stop all contact with her. Which I did. I regret this decision. Why cut off people because my family thinks they are evil? After all, they lied about me! Plus, this cousin has always been nice to me. I sent an email apologising for cutting off contact with her, and that I wanted to make peace with her, and she replied to me saying that she had forgotten about this long ago (though she never contacted me?) and that we should meet up for coffee. I am lost. The last time I visited her because she had been to the hospital (which her parents hid from our family), my mum was mad at me for doing those sorts of things behind her back. But,I have so much hatred for her right now. Maybe people aren't as evil as they made them out to be? I am so lost. Please help. Thanks
Ronni_W Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 What are you lost about? You are to be commended for reconnecting with and apologizing to your cousin as soon as you realized that it was your parents who poisoned you against your extended family. Go and meet your cousin for coffee, and explain further the negative/evil influence that your parents had over you when you were too young to do anything else but follow along with them. It just could be that it's your parents who have distorted/wrong views of other people, and call others "evil" without there actually being anything to warrant such a label. It's difficult to realize, acknowledge, accept this kind of stuff about our own family...but necessary if we are to become healthy, independent, free-thinking, happy adults. Your cousin most likely did not contact you because she wisely realized -- or was helped to understand by her own parents -- that it would only make things worse between individuals and whole families. Hugs and best wishes.
Author makeithappen Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 What are you lost about? You are to be commended for reconnecting with and apologizing to your cousin as soon as you realized that it was your parents who poisoned you against your extended family. Go and meet your cousin for coffee, and explain further the negative/evil influence that your parents had over you when you were too young to do anything else but follow along with them. It just could be that it's your parents who have distorted/wrong views of other people, and call others "evil" without there actually being anything to warrant such a label. It's difficult to realize, acknowledge, accept this kind of stuff about our own family...but necessary if we are to become healthy, independent, free-thinking, happy adults. Your cousin most likely did not contact you because she wisely realized -- or was helped to understand by her own parents -- that it would only make things worse between individuals and whole families. Hugs and best wishes. Hello, Thank you for your reply. I am lost because it would not be the first time I betray my parents and visit people I am not meant to visit. On the other hand, I ask myself 'why care, they hurt me so much'. I was accused of quite a few things without ever being believed and given a chance to explain things. I was labelled as 'the bad one'. I left because I got fed up of their attitude: very narcissic. So I think what they did to me, they had probably done it to those that were vilified to me and whom I was not to speak to. I had to stop visiting another aunt because she argued with my mum. My aunt never involved me in anything. She cared for me when I visited her, although I acted very selfishly at her house. Whatever happened with my mum, we never talked about, even though it happened only recently and I am a grown up (24). I am so angry at myself for having blindly followed them in their delusions. They really do believe the rest of the world is evil because they went through an awful lot. My mum's parents were murdered, my father was constantly cheated, and was given a very hard time by jealous and vicious siblings. Things have not gotten better. I am lost because going against them and visiting someone they don't like would be akin to showing a lack of consideration. It would be insensitive since this person's parents hurt my parents and they think she is like them. It would be like putting a knife on their back and saying 'I am visiting people who hurt you'. I don't know.
writergal Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 OP, I think it would be good for you to meetup with your cousin for coffee. Forget about your parents' problems with your aunt or any other relatives b/c that's THEIR burden, not yours. It may give you some emotional healing too.
Ronni_W Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 makeithappen, As an adult, you need to start making your own assessments based on your own values, and choosing what will be in your own best interest to support your own happy, rewarding and fulfilling life. It's not always easy...but it is part of being a free, independent grown-up. Your parents are not good role-models for how to be happy, kind, generous of spirit, compassionate, forgiving. You CANNOT follow their example and also hope to grow into a kind, generous, compassionate person. Yes, it does say "honour your parents"...but our parents must also be honourable, and have earned our respect, admiration, love. It is NOT insensitive or inconsiderate for you to distance yourself from your parents' evil ways of looking at and treating others. Why would you choose for yourself to respect, honour, consider, be sensitive to mean-spirited or "evil" people...as your parents have proven themselves to be? Where does it say to do that?
sunrise24 Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Hi makeithappen, I remember you writing about your family before. I strongly agree with Ronni_W; it sounds like you're still confused (perhaps feeling guilty as well?), which is understandable. Let's take this point by point: I am lost because it would not be the first time I betray my parents and visit people I am not meant to visit. There are two different definitions of betray which possibly fit with your situation: 1. to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling (ex: betraying trust) 2. to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to. Regarding the way your sister essentially slandered you, and your parents chose loyalty to such a slanderous attitude, it sounds like the first definition is at play regarding how you've been treated. So, how do you feel that you are betraying them? Second point: What gives you the idea that you are not meant to visit your cousin, given that you have now moved away from the people who slandered her? My aunt never involved me in anything. She cared for me when I visited her, although I acted very selfishly at her house. Whatever happened with my mum, we never talked about, even though it happened only recently and I am a grown up (24). Since your aunt has been disrespected by your mother, it's probably for the best that your mother doesn't get mentioned around your aunt, so that you can focus on other, healthier topics when in each others' company. By the way, how exactly have your aunt and other relatives been "evil" to your parents? Regardless, it sounds like your aunt is much more accepting of you than your parents and sister are. I am so angry at myself for having blindly followed them in their delusions. They really do believe the rest of the world is evil because they went through an awful lot. My mum's parents were murdered, my father was constantly cheated, and was given a very hard time by jealous and vicious siblings. Things have not gotten better. Your self-accountability is there, which is crucial; now that you've moved away from them, what else is holding you back? I am lost because going against them and visiting someone they don't like would be akin to showing a lack of consideration. It would be insensitive since this person's parents hurt my parents and they think she is like them. It would be like putting a knife on their back and saying 'I am visiting people who hurt you'. Your family is clearly divided; in order to stay in contact with anyone, there is the inevitable question: which side will you take? You can't please everybody. Also, your parents and sister have clearly hurt you; your aunt and cousin have not. I'm also wondering: How old is this cousin you mentioned (you already mentioned you're 24)? Is the aforementioned aunt her mother?
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