Getting over someone - how do you do it when you're neurotically obsessed?

[markus36]

I am sure you've heard this story before, but I'm struggling today.

 

Two years ago, I had a two week fling with a woman - I'm from the UK, this woman is from an Eastern European country but lives in the US. We met in the US at an academic conference and we started a relationship. We both very quickly claimed to be crazy for each other, but told me she had an ex who was very unstable, depressive. She invited me to visit her in her Eastern European country, treated me like crap, and told me she was going back to her boyfriend. I was humiliated in front of her friends and family. It later transpired they had never separated and was seeing both of us.

 

Now, this was a silly fling. I don't even like her. She is still with her boyfriend. He is a bit of an idiot (at least as far as I'm concerned). About a year ago, I was in a terrible state - depressed about the whole situation. Now, I''m not so bad, but I still think her about her every day. I've been for counselling and learned all these ideas such as she turned from a victim to an oppressor; that I had been validated by being at this fancy college in the US, and it's that I really hanker after, etc, etc, etc. I went to my doctors and got some pills to stop be obsessing over her, but long term nothing really seems to be working.

 

I have lots of friends, I have a good career, I'm well educated, I'm well-respected, I'm reasonably good looking, but I cannot get over this fling that I had two years ago. It just seems so unfair, that I treated her well when she was having a rough time, and in return, treated me like crap. There are all these things that rationally tell me she just isn't very nice.

 

How does one get over this?

[markus36]

The thing I do realise that this isn't about her - she just happened to touch something very deep in me, by all the good and horrible stuff she did in a very pivotal moment in my life

[ThorntonMelon]

Research the term "limerence".

 

And find a different counselor. And then just keep doing your thing. It has to break. Don't beat yourself up because it hasn't yet.

[markus36]

Research the term "limerence".

 

And find a different counselor. And then just keep doing your thing. It has to break. Don't beat yourself up because it hasn't yet.

 

Thanks for that. I did read about that before, and I don't think I'm in love with this woman - I most definitely was infatuated with her two years ago, but I don't think about her romantically - the thing with a counsellor is that isn't cheap, and I don't know what more I'm going to find - what the magic bullet is

[ThorntonMelon]

Whats the value of getting over an obsession that's keeping you from enjoying your life???

[markus36]

Whats the value of getting over an obsession that's keeping you from enjoying your life???

 

I'm playing Devil's advocate, but what if counselling / therapy simply doesn't work? I can't take away that moment from my life, and maybe there is just no way to get over it. I feel quite fatalistic about it, as it's gone on for two years, but I want to get over it.

[ThorntonMelon]

I can only guide you to interview counselors.

 

I think you've got this limerence thing going on, and I think you likely for what ever reason are processing it like trauma - like PTSD. You need someone who is trained specifically in this stuff.

[markus36]

I can only guide you to interview counselors.

 

I think you've got this limerence thing going on, and I think you likely for what ever reason are processing it like trauma - like PTSD. You need someone who is trained specifically in this stuff.

 

Thanks. I do think I'm going to have to find another counsellor. It's so frustrating not being able to get over this one silly person

[NoLeafClover]

What country is she from?

[markus36]

Romania, why?

[frankvega]

Romania, why?

 

Go to cuba or Miami and meet any cuban woman and I assure you she will never cross your mind EVER again.

[writergal]

markus36 did your therapist pinpoint what it was that you obsess about regarding this woman? Was it how she betrayed your trust by still being with her boyfriend when she invited you to her country to come visit her? Have you ever obsessed about anyone else who betrayed your trust in the same way in your life? I think the only way you can overcome this obsession is to figure out what her behavior triggered and see if you can find other examples from your life where this same feeling/obsessing was triggered. Then you can figure out from there how to stop obsessing once you realize what causes it.

 

Otherwise, dating other women could help you get over this obsession. Are you dating anyone or in a relationship right now? Are you even interested in dating or is this obsession completely closed all doors to dating for you?

[Strength in Healing]

It was a deep blow to your ego. That's on the surface.

 

Deeper, perhaps it ignited something in you that made you face something you've repressed.

 

In any case, you haven't gotten over it because you weren't meant to yet. You aren't seeing the whole painting.

 

Allow time and your mind to do its job.

[bastus]

<p>getting along with friends and get drunk together , go to the strip club , and for the conclusion: meet "someone " new..</p>