SycamoreCircle Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Need some advice. I am 5 months NC out of a relationship that ended tragically, due to what I suspect was my ex-gf's NPD. I am getting better. I've had some little romances, taken a long trip, undergone a bit of counseling and am steadfastly trying to improve my life and move on. Beginning of July I returned to work from a month long trip to find a new woman working at the restaurant where I work. We have steadily been flirting with each other, since that time. I am SERIOUSLY attracted to this woman. And the way she relates to me has intensified to a level I can't ignore anymore. From looping her hand inside my arm when asking a question to sitting on my lap for 25 minute stretches to looking deeply into my eyes when we converse after hours to throwing her arms around my neck in full frontal hugs to saying "hug me" and pulling me close to her. I'm utterly smitten. I want her. And she knows it. I've asked a woman she confides in, a mutual co-worker, if she's single. Yes. "Why, you interested?" Big goofy grin. Women talk, so she has to know. What is the problem? Well, I intuit that this woman has a serious case of neither-here nor-thereness. For example, she's just moved to NYC and her personal life seems to be incredibly disorganized. In talking to her, I get the impression that ALL of her life she's lived a West Coast bohemian lifestyle(which suits her relaxed, Epicureanism) but now(at 28) she wants something more focused and success oriented. Yet, she's not that sort of person! Consequently, she seems stressed out. And she's said as much, "I have life stress." I know myself thoroughly and am a calming presence to people. I'm happy with what I have and live by the rule of learning to BE. I know that deep down she respects this. There is a hesitation to get involved with me outside of work. I sense it. For whatever reason. I've asked her out---she made a lame excuse(this is while she's throwing herself all over me). I have not been too forceful with trying to make something happen with her because I do sense that she's in a period of transition. But is this one of those things where I'm the nice guy who senses her general emotional discombobulation and patiently waits in the wings, meanwhile Mr. Wall Street appears and scoops her up in a fortnight?!! I hope I've provided enough background. Again, using what powers of intuition I have, I've been collecting information about her to try and get an idea of who she is, what she wants, where she's at. But the physical intensity of her relation to me has intensified to a point that can't be ignored. I'm a 38 year old man---I can only stand her smashing her big bosoms into me so much! One final side note: she rarely asks anything about me personally. Her energy seems to be entirely focused on her and particularly her indecisiveness.
preraph Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 She may be a little self-absorbed. Odd that she doesn't mind everyone seeing her sitting on your lap at work but doesn't think it's a good idea to date a coworker. I've done that thing of sitting on guys' laps at work at a casual retail place where we were all buddies and hung out, and it didn't mean anything really except that I felt comfortable with them. Next time she does something like that, kind of jokingly tell her, "No. I only let girls I'm dating sit on my lap, so unless you're going to ask me out, get off."
sid3 Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Based on what you've shared, I'd say you failed to make a move. While you have been flirtatious at work, it doesn't sound like you've stuck your neck out, so to speak. Although all that may be irrelevant. She may just like the attention and validation you provide. My only advice, go after what you want.. Aside from a rejection, remember NYC is swarming with attractive women.
HappyLove Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 STOP! First of all work relationship, BAD IDEA! She's all over the place, are these the same qualities that attracted you to your ex? You describe her life as "incredibly disorganized", is this that white knight syndrome everyone talks about? You've already asked her out, she said, NO. Don't set yourself up for a mess of a relationship again. We are supposed to learn and do better from our past and she sounds like trouble and into games. When she comes with her big boobs looking for a hug, tell her NO. You deserve better than someone toying with your emotions because they know you like them. Find a real woman who like you as much as you like her.
Author SycamoreCircle Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Based on what you've shared, I'd say you failed to make a move. While you have been flirtatious at work, it doesn't sound like you've stuck your neck out, so to speak. Although all that may be irrelevant. She may just like the attention and validation you provide. My only advice, go after what you want.. Aside from a rejection, remember NYC is swarming with attractive women. It's true. The one time I asked her out was very casual, off-handed. I have no fear pulling her aside and saying, "Look, I'm really into you. You should give me a chance. Let's meet up tomorrow night." If she worms out of it, which I suspect she will---I guess I have my answer.
Author SycamoreCircle Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 STOP! First of all work relationship, BAD IDEA! She's all over the place, are these the same qualities that attracted you to your ex? You describe her life as "incredibly disorganized", is this that white knight syndrome everyone talks about? You've already asked her out, she said, NO. Don't set yourself up for a mess of a relationship again. We are supposed to learn and do better from our past and she sounds like trouble and into games. When she comes with her big boobs looking for a hug, tell her NO. You deserve better than someone toying with your emotions because they know you like them. Find a real woman who like you as much as you like her. No. Actually, my ex was straight as an arrow until she met the new guy, the final weeks of our relationship. Then she became someone else. As for her disorganized life, I guess(being that she's just moved to the city) I'm hoping this is a period of her life that is transitional and that she'll become more emotionally stable. I agree with you I should find someone who is more clear in their intent. It's just...she's so damned hot! She ACTIVATES me. Finally someone to make me forget my ex!
Author SycamoreCircle Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 She may be a little self-absorbed. Odd that she doesn't mind everyone seeing her sitting on your lap at work but doesn't think it's a good idea to date a coworker. I've done that thing of sitting on guys' laps at work at a casual retail place where we were all buddies and hung out, and it didn't mean anything really except that I felt comfortable with them. Next time she does something like that, kind of jokingly tell her, "No. I only let girls I'm dating sit on my lap, so unless you're going to ask me out, get off." Well, she never said "I won't date a coworker." so I don't know if that's the reason. Honestly, it feels more like her mind is a constant thread of Yes/No; Yes/No; Black/White; Hot/Cold; Plus/Minus. Not bi-polar, just indecisive. Maybe if I really step up to the plate and say "this is how I feel", I'll get a straight answer.
Gloria25 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 (edited) Are you sure this chick being a decade younger than you isn't a factor here? I mean, problems with dating a co-worker aside, she seems like a mess. Of course you're gonna get excited with someone younger sitting on your lap and flirting with you...and, at the workplace romances often happen cuz you spend so much time in close quarters with people you can't help 'but' to get o know them better and become attracted. I say step back and walk away from this one...the "cons" outweigh the "pros" and seems like you have a track record of picking up some chicks with issues. BTW, between your last big breakup, have you done some introspective reflection and/or counseling to see why you would get involved with chicks with drama/issues? Edited to add: Also, you say she doesn't ask things about you, turned you down when you asked her out...So maybe she just gets a kick out of flirting with you. Now, while I won't go as far as to sit on the lap of guys I'm not interested in...I find myself being more open and friendly to guys I'm not attracted to romantically cuz I can relax and be myself w/o the pressure of impressing a guy I'm interested in. I'm also a friendly person, so, some guys think I'm interested in them - when that is NOT the case. Some people say to watch the person you think is flirting with you to see how they treat others to see if she is like that with others or just with you...that way you'll know if she's interested in you cuz she treats you different from other guys who are co-workers. Oh gosh, watch out to see if she isn't looking for you to be her sugar daddy. Edited August 18, 2014 by Gloria25
Author SycamoreCircle Posted September 24, 2014 Author Posted September 24, 2014 Post Script: I was "browsing" OK Cupid today and ran across my co-worker's profile. I'd pretty much accepted by now that whatever attention she showed me she could just as easily take away. It seemed to make no difference to her. I'd been away from work for two weeks, traveling in Colombia, so I decided to test the waters. I e-mailed her through OK Cupid. She replied, acted surprised, a little weirded out. I didn't let it phase me. She "pretends" quite a bit. I straight up asked her why she wouldn't see me outside of work. Again, she feigned modesty. Meanwhile, she'd been smashing her boobs into me, bouncing on my lap, and calling me a Greek God some weeks back! "I don't know what you mean by that..." but she settled, "you just aren't my type." I told her that what I meant was I think we have some things in common and I'm very attracted to her but since she stated her feelings I wouldn't press the matter. I wished her good luck. Honestly, though, dating in NYC is harder than a M..th..F..K.r!!!
sid3 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Ironic that dating in NYC is that hard considering there's attractive women everywhere and women outnumber men. At least you got your answer and can move on
HappyLove Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Yes, at least now you can move on to someone worth your time! 1
Author SycamoreCircle Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 Ironic that dating in NYC is that hard considering there's attractive women everywhere and women outnumber men. At least you got your answer and can move on Well, I say it's hard but I'm reminded of a scenario that happened to me some years ago. I developed a crush on a co-worker years back but her behavior towards me seemed inconsistent. In a conversation with a bartender(a fellow co-worker), I discovered that he'd had relations with her. His eyes widened, "She's crazy!" Nevertheless, I pursued. With no success and even greater inconsistency. During this entire time, a wealthy, not very attractive regular had been coming to the restaurant. Next thing I knew they were in a full blown relationship; she was doing things with him that sounded very ordinary and healthy, they moved away together, got married. The End. Who's gonna' tame your wild horses? Um, I guess the guy with the fat wallet.
Diezel Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I used to work at bars/restaurants. I would never, never, never, never, EVERRRRRR date a woman working at either one of them. It's a recipe for disaster. You are lucky, you got rejected better than most would have. At least she didn't totally lead you on.
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