cocolate Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 (edited) This is going to be one of those long drawn out stories that you probably would glaze over satisfied it didnt happen to you. Ive done it tens of dozens of times -- well too bad on that guy Im sure glad I never had to deal with that, Im in a good relationship. Well, thats not entirely true either. Mine and Ty's relationship was never really good. It started out rough and it was pretty much an intense fluctuating rollarcoaster ever since. Just because it was dysfunctional, sexually we clicked really well, or at least I thought so. At least for a good year we did. Still our friendship/relationship took a toll on our lives. We became really close and talked every day. In the first we year we talked about 5 hours a day. I was 27y and he was 38y. Back then he was always teasing me about his friends who were girls and I would get so mad at him, but the truth was back then he wasnt promiscuous, with me. Our relationship was dysfunctional but like I said sexually we had the best chemistry possible. Thats what kept making it so hard for us to break up. We were getting in these horrible fights but it was almost like we liked it. He would stir up some reason and I would jump right in like I was waiting all day for a reason to snap back at somebody. It was like we were 2 peas-in-a-pod, he stirred up the fight, and I would drag it out, until we were both too tired, and then we had sex, and kissed each other goodnight. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That lasted from about December '12 -to- December '13. Ty is a narcissistic person, what kind of cheaters arent? I knew his narcissism was a red flag as well as his addiction to porn. I understood his addiction to porn because thats the world we live in today. My brothers grew up looking at porn, my dad looked at porn, every boyfriend I ever had looked at porn, and honestly I look at porn occasionally although I am not really sexually gratified by it even though I know of plenty and many women who are. A guy who likes porn, to me, is just a guy being a guy -- even though he did seem to like it a bit too much. This was the first red flag I ignored that told me I should have known all along. So December '13 Ty and I had broken up already a good 12x (averaged 1-3 day breakups) one break up lasted 2 months which was in August. In November '13 when we had gotten back together it was our 1 year anniversary: how romantic. Not really. He fought with me on Thanksgiving, and he fought with me on Christmas. I dumped him to days after Christmas for the first time I had ever dumped HIM and he came over with his big ole puppy dog eyes and we kissed and made up. We both come from very dysfunctional families. Ty is a very handsome and extremely sexy person. I am also desirable but I am chubby even though I am cute -- my cuteness next to Tys 'James Dean' type of charisma isnt really a match for my average house wife physical appearance. Im kind of a plain jane and he is a bad boy with a deep passion for good girls. So do I have the set up right? Im the stupid bitch who only sees big red hearts when I see Ty and he is the guy in a black leather jacket and flicking his cigarette in a cops face and asking if the cop has a light for me. This is all metaphorically speaking: I am just painting a picture. Ty is actually related to 2 people in law enforcement and his best friend is a police officer -- so he would never do that to anyone of the law. He just made my heart thump and he is also Black, and I am White. I had had many friends who were Black growing up my whole life, but he was the first man I fell in love with who is Black, and I just loved everything about him. He is from Germany, and talks kind of like Obama, and he grew up never saying the N word and I just absolutely was crazy about him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He told me that he did not want a girlfriend. Being young and stupid I agreed that what we had was good enough, which at the time was true. He didnt want to "call" me his girlfriend, but basically thats what I was to him. We didnt go out to the movies, we didnt go out to dinner, we didnt go to events together. In the beginning he used to come over, have sex for 3 hours, and then go home. When this first started I had already known him 6 months but we were just kinda building this friendship. In November '13 the sparks between us changed. Even though he didnt want to "date" he was devoted to me, so I was devoted to him, and I was completely and totally ok with not going out to the movies, and etc. Back then we had sex so often that I wanted my space from him. We talked on the phone for hours. Just like being in highschool. It was so much fun. He worked very long hours, and I lived a good hour away. He had lots of free opportunities to talk and little by little we went from sex every 5 days -to- sex 1x every other week, and now he was coming over and sleeping late, cuddling watching movies, eating dinner at the apartment, riding me to the super market, took a few walks to the park, went out to dinner together a couple times. So even though everybody I know tells me that we were never in a real relationship there is no way I can erase that what we had was more than just a booty call. Maybe thats how it started the first few months, but over time, even though we never called each other bf/gf (which really did make me sad), or tell each other "I love you" -- I loved him, and even though he wont say "love" he does, he loves me because there is more between us than 'just friends'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now if youre actually following along with me here venting and maybe giving that one lonely soul out there who is holding a bottle of pills and booze tonight lets skip ahead a little bit up until last week before we go back on the rest of this year. After Ty and I had broken up in August for the longest period we had ever until the following November, and again for a day or so that December, we were still very much close and I was committed. But something obviously must have changed in Ty. Something in him went from us being devoted and talking all day everyday to I need something else. I understand because I was sick of talking all day everyday too. We just couldnt stop. Finally the time came where we only talked 10min a whole day, though we still talked everyday. Last week Ty told me he had done something bad. We had been having our little spats as usual but this time I was onto him. In fact this past May, '14, I had told him we should just be friends, and in June '14 we ended up hooking back up as usual and I thought things were just going on about like always. But not this time. July went by and there was no sex. August was going by again with no sex. May we didnt have sex, and the previous April '14 we only had sex 1 time. It occurred to me, "wait a second"... you mean to tell me in 5 months we had sex 2x and now August you arent knocking down my door to have sex yet? Interesting. Well since I had told him in May lets just be friends I had actually had sex a few times with other people. I had to do that because I really wasnt getting the same sexual attention from him as in the past. Sex lasted only 10min -- I was lucky if it even lasted 20min, and it was only 1x in Jan, 1x in Feb, 3x in March, and 1x in April.... so something was up. He had LOTS of excuses but it still didnt feel right.... Sigh, yea it didnt feel right stupid because it wasnt true. But still last week I did not know that. Last week he admitted to this: he let 3 or 4 something friends (all girls) spend the night. They are just friends. I believe him to an extent. He admitted alot to me and there really isnt a reason to lie about that one little fact that his friends needed a place for the night and as a last resort he let them. Although he does not even allow me over to his place. I thought his reasons were legitimate but I knew it was all lies because the only reason a guy doesnt want you over to his place ladies is because he doesnt want to admit other girls might pop up over there. I mean how naiive could one stupid dumb bitch be? He was just SO good at lying. Its like a talent of his. I have even spent 2 years studying body language and deception. I pride myself on the studies I have done and still he could lie to my face over and over and it was just so perfectly flawless I couldnt let myself believe it was a lie. I never caught him, I called him all the time, I popped up over at his place uninvited all the time, and he constantly went on and on and on about how there were no other girls, there was no reason for me to be suspicious, theres no time at work to mess around, theres a problem with his prostate and his sex drive isnt the same, hes almost 40y now and he doesnt desire sex the same, hes tired from work, blablafknbla. The paragraph before the one above was really hard to write. I actually sat here a good 10min before I could think of what to type. I felt like going in my room right now and just slitting my wrist. Just thinking about those lies and the fact I was here alone in my room while another girl spent the night at his place, a place where I wasnt even allowed to go. To top that off he did admit to sex with 2 other girls this past 3 months. Now he was totally at liberty to **** who ever he damn well pleased. Its the truth -- I dumped him in May, told him I had been sexually active, and we ended up just getting back together after that in June like any other fight. So even though last week I was pretty devastated he had been lying, he said it would never happen again, he would change, I would start spending the night, and these other girls would never spend the night again, and he wanted us to keep going like we have been all this time because he doesnt want to lose me...... >So this is the hardest part of this memoir of a tragic love story. I just found out tonight and I dont really want to write it. Ive been typing a whole hour now and its past midnight here. I am exhausted and I hate the absolute thought of the truth. I hate it so much I feel like the ocean in my eyes and the weight of the frown on my lips is enough to choke and suffocate on. I hate is because it exactly what I never wanted to hear or think and I didnt really believe we would ever hit that wall I kind of imagined our relationship was just too perfectly dysfunctional and wed always be able to work it out and probably get really old just teasing each other and trying to drive each other more crazy than the other. But tonight he admitted to sleeping with a girl every other week since Jan, and not only that but hes not going to be able to stop. He said if he said he was going to stop he would be lying to me, and its not that he doesnt want me its just that every relationship hes ever had he has cheated and he just cant help it like an addiction. He said like alcoholics or heroin addicts have a problem, he has a problem with porn, and he has a problem with other women when he sees someone he cant help it he thinks sexual things and they just happen. I tried everything I could think. I tried to convince him there was some way to make sense of it after this much time. I tried to figure it out in my head as at the same time not to vomit all over myself thinking about how these past 8 months he has been lying to me. Not only lying but I have encouraged him to not feel pressured about having sex with me because of all his excuses. I have respected the not calling certain times rules, and not popping up uninvited rule nonabrasive, and I had remained faithful up until the point when I had told him I needed a personal break and to do my own thing for a while. Im not even sure everything I just wrote. I see kind of a blurred vision right now. I feel like I was sob and at the same time I dont want to. I feel like I want to lay on the floor and slam my face in the ground and at the same time I want to type until I fall face first into my keyboard from exhaustion. I feel suicidal and I feel lonely. I feel horny and I feel hurt so bad. I feel angry and I feel sick. I feel so so so ****ing pissed off. He said for a while he does really good. In the beginning he was faithful. Back then he really liked me and we were having alot of fun, but he knew that this is how he was. He didnt want to lie forever (although hes sure to keep reminding me he could have) and he said he feels horrible that he has done this to me. He said he cares about me very very much. He said he knows hes a total and complete scumbag because he knows how much I love him. He said he knows that theres nothing he can do to make it right, and he said he doesnt want to stop talking to me. I told him he wants his cake and to eat it too. I said I feel stabbed in the back. I told him how in the **** am I supposed to keep talking to him now that he has told me this past whole year he has been bold faced lying to me--which is something he HATES is being lies to! Out of all the things in the world he could have done to me, anything anyone in the world could do to hurt me right now, he did the most absolute number one most painful thing that could possibly happen. Sure even my mom could die, and I would be devastated, I could even lose my income and my apartment, and it would still not match how sick and devastated I feel. I have been through hell in my life. I know what its like to lose family members, I know what its like to have 10's of thousands of dollars stolen, I know what it feels like to be betrayed by your best friends, I know what it feels like to be alone for years at a time. And I honestly have to say this is the most painful thing someone could do to me at this point right now in my life aside from torturing me physically. I feel like someone just skinned me alive and made sure to keep me alive for a 2nd round in the morning. I know I couldnt possibly feel any worse at this time. There is absolutely zero amount of news that could make me feel worse. That is actually not true, because I just erased something I listed as that can be worse that I dont even want to say, but it would take a child being stolen for me to imagine a worse pain and that is absolutely what it would take for me to feel any worse. Otherwise there is likely nothing else that could make me feel any more like destroying everything in my physical reach. It makes me so mad that we are going to have to end this. It makes me so mad that there is nothing I can do. It makes me so mad that he is ok with that. It makes me so mad that those stupid ass dumb girls are worth what I have built with him. The help Ive given him, the time, the energy, the love, the respect, the heart ache, the many gifts I have sacrificed to give him and more. All that for some cheap heartless sex. Sex that he admits isnt even fulfilling. It isnt passionate like it is with me, so he says. Its just an addiction and he doesnt want to do anything about it. I told him he must feel so horrible of a person to do this kind of thing. He said its true. I said the sex must just be amazing to let me leave for that. He said hell need to think about what to do. I said how can I deal with it? What do I do and how do I make it not hurt so badly. He said you will. I said how. He says Idk. Edited August 17, 2014 by cocolate
Reels Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Long overdue, you must move on. I know it is not that easy but the person you are talking about seems to be very dissatisfied and nothing can really help him. 1
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