Roadmap to Moving On?

[KissMyTiara]

I've started dating, folks. Yes, it's true!

 

I still talk to MM and see him on a regular basis, but I find myself not caring so much if I don't get the "last call of the day," and I don't feel as mopy on the weekends bc I can't see him....why? Because I have other guys interested in being with me, wanting to see where this can go, making a real effort, etc. It's fantastic!

 

But I am still scared s***less.

 

Help me. Why can't I still pull away from MM? Why is he still in my head?? Why do I worry about hurting MM's feelings if/when he should find out about the other guys I am starting to date (casually, mind you - nothing sexual....yet)?? Why do I think "oh just another month or two..." or "oh...just until my borthday..."??

 

Who has successfully moved on from MM and no longer harbors ANY feelings towards him? Who has moved on and feels completely indifferent towards MM?? That is where I want to be, but I feel as though I need a map!

[Pocky]

While your relationship with the MM hasn't been a conventional relationship, I sure the ending process is closely related to the ending process of any relationship. Like most people when they're slowly working their way out of a relationship they know isn't healthy for them, they run into the same issues you're experiencing.

 

Making a big change is always difficult and the MM has been a rather large part of your life for an extended period of time. I'd have to say it's only normal for you to constantly think of him, as you've spent months doing that very thing. You have to redirect your thoughts away from him in the beginning by distracting yourself and keeping busy. You're kicking a habit, ya know? You keep thinking just another month or two because it makes it easier. You don't have to work through the emotional and mental stress this break is going to have on you.

 

Your separation from your MM isn't going to be easy, but I know you can do it.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

Help me. Why can't I still pull away from MM? Why is he still in my head??

1) MM is probably a master at manipulating women

2) In your mind (as in may others) a man who is unavailable is more valuable.

[StillHurtin]

KMT, I don't know exactly what to tell you b/c I have never been the OW to a MM but I do want to say I wish you well. I know how hard it is to get over someone you love so much, it's not easy. It took me awhile to get over the man that was in a CR (whom I was in love w/ for a few years). It will happen, you can get over him. And one of the easiest ways is NC. I knew if I didn't have NC it would of made it a lot harder to get over him.

 

I hope one of these days you will meet the right guy, who isn't married, and be happy.

[LadyRLD]

I am successful at moving on from my MM. The only way I did it was to totally realize he doesn't have anything to do with my life in anyway shape or form. I can do what I want to do. I also had to change the way I thought of him. For some reason, I felt I was commited to him and attached to him. I also felt like I was cheating on him. WTF!!! My thought was he was my side guy until my main man came along. I totally believed in that thought. An MM who is a friend of mine told me that. He said just use him as your side guy. Stop letting him control you. He's a loser who's stuck. You are a free woman who can do what she wants when she wants. Now it's your turn to control him.

 

Don't take his calls all the time either. That will help you move on too.

 

When you date these great available men, don't even mention MM. The less you talk about him or think about him when you are with someone, the less you will feel attached to him. Just have fun with them.

 

I am glad you are getting out there KMT!!!! Give it time, you will detach from MM, I promise :0)

[Sugaree]

Having been an OM, I can attest it is possible to mentally and physically break from a Married Person (MP).

 

First, stop seeing him often. Eliminate the visual cues.

 

Second, limit the exchanges to once a day and by e-mail if you can do it. Eliminate the aural cues.

 

Third, view him more and more as someone's husband, not your lover. This cognitive shift is helpful.

 

Last, befriend and date other guys. These men will, in time, interfere with your MM's signals. And if you see these single guys on the sly, you are creating a world that is separate and apart from the world you shared with your MM. His monopolistic domination of your mind and heart is weakening.

 

The end is coming, kmt. And you'll survive it and rejoice when it does occur.

[izzybelle]

kmt,

 

hey...CONGRATS on the dating! i can't necessarily say that i'm successful in getting over exMM but i do feel it getting closer with every day, and every date. expect him to still be in your head for a while and the thoughts will probably resurface at the most bizarre and sometimes, most inconvenient times.

 

i have found that for the most part when i'm out on a date, he's not on my mind, but then stupid things trigger thoughts and memories and it all comes back. i was with a guy the other day and we were joking around how all the stuff in my b'room is girly stuff. my daughter and i share and my son has his own so, how else would it be. he was joking that i probably didn't even have a razor he'd be able to use to shave. well, i do, and that's where the memory came back. MM had used my razor and girlie shaving creme once which left him smelling sweet and well.... i could feel the tears come back and i quickly excused myself from the room to gather my composure.

 

you will find, as time goes on, the urge to contact him becomes less. partially because you'll have someone else to share things with. and from what you've said, you're already well on the way to getting there. give yourself time, and expect some set-backs here and there. but they will get fewer and fewer and they will become easier to get past. but i'm still scared, scared of dating, scared of giving my heart to someone again, and sometimes even scared that if i do, that that will be when MM desides to make a reappearance. but i'm getting to the point where i don't know what i'd say to him if he did. i'm almost at that point where too much time has passed, too much has happened.

 

yes, i still feel like something's missing. we've had that discussion before. but part of what i've realized with the guy i'm dating right now is that it's not so much that he's not MM, he's just not the right one for me, right now! so... i'm struggling tonight with what to do about that and actually just called a single male friend to talk with him about it to get some perspective from his point of view. we'll see if he has any great insights when he calls back!

 

just hang in there, even through the emotions good and bad, every step you take either toward someone else or just toward the realization that you want more from your life will put you further down that road. it used to feel like i was on a big bungie cord and i'd start to pull away only to be snapped back to the thoughts of being with him. but as i get stronger, those ties don't seem quite to restraining anymore. keep it up and keep making yourself happy, that will help you to move on faster and easier.

[SummerRae]

That is such a good question, KMT, because I'm trying to think back to the time when the actual shift in thinking occured for me. I can honestly say the No Contact thing has helped immensely in a relatively quick time. I now see him much more realistically, whereas before I had put him on this gigantic pedastal and thought that he was the end-all-be-all. It didn't matter how fundamentally different we were, I had projected all these desirable traits onto him. And he became IT.

 

I think more and more I've just accepted my current situation. Tried to make the most of being single. I dated soooo much at first and it wasn't until many NO's (as in NOT-my-types) that I realized I'm going to have to either A) start being a big girl and start enjoying being on my own or B) settle for less than what I want. Thankfully, in my mind, B has NEVER been a real option. I'd rather be alone than alone and with someone.

 

I've become wayyy more spiritual than I ever was and have kinda put my faith into someone else's hands. When I met MM I was primed to fall in love. I was lovin' the single life and wasn't lookin'. So, now I'm working on getting back to that stage and am noticing some big-time changes. I don't feel any need. I feel more like myself, whereas before I would try to change to fit the man's objective. Now, I think if I'm going to meet someone, we have got to be a good fit for each other, and NATURALLY. I have noticed my confidence improving. These are just things that will happen to you naturally KMT, but you may need a little positive self-talk.

 

For instance, for soo long, whenever I would look in the mirror, I would notice something wrong. I didn't like my complexion, or I saw big bags, lol. Now, I am replacing my thoughts. When I see a vision in the mirror, I say something positive. It's funny cause just last night, I had a dream that I loved myself, lol. I think that essentially, I'm starting to accept myself more. I'm learning that there is NO end-all-be-all. And that the only way i can attract that special something into my life again, is if I become it myself. I know, it sounds like such a cliche, "you have to love yourself first, yata, yata" but it's freakin' true!

 

I'm surrounding myself with people who support me, and avoiding those that do nothing for my self esteem. I'm also trying to figure out exactly what I want from life. It's actually kindof exciting. I hope I didn't sound too Oprah-ish. Grrr. It's just true for me.

 

Good luck KMT, and by the way, I've read tons of your posts and I really think of you as this Glamour Girl who has soooo much going for her. You're going to meet someone awesome, I just know it!

[joodee]

KMT,

 

I am in the same boat as you, wanting to desperately move on out of my situation with my MM. I think that it is wonderful that you are dating, that will help you see there are other fish in the sea.

 

I am having so much trouble breaking away (I just started a new thread yesterday,"Tired of Being A Secret"), I understand those emotions.

 

Someone else made a statement earlier that made sense, basically saying I'm not going to be a mistress, I want to be the 1st lady (I believe it was JVrose). I HATE the idea of being a mistress, so maybe you can focus on that thought and that will make your MM much less desirable. You deserve to be number 1 and get all the accolades from a loving man that will be all yours.

 

I hope that helps, I wish you the best!

[newby]

i reckon most of the problem as (i think) izzy said is that part of the fear is actually being over the mm. IMO we have all deluded ourselves so much that he is so perfect so we get scared we'll get over him and he'll come back too late.

[KissMyTiara]

Thanks for all of your support, everyone! I do have some comments to share....

 

LadyRLD - I cannot and will not be able to "use" MM as my "side guy" or whatever you meant to imply. Even if it is true that he was using me for his own selfish reasons (which obviously he was in part doing, but he was also very, very special to me and I KNOW we mean something to each other), I cannot "use" him for any purpose, whether it's to get over him or anything else. Honestly, I think the reason our relationship has lasted so long is because I am literally the air in his lungs - he has received great pleasure and comfort from our relationship, not just in that I am the hot girl he gets to sleep with, but because I wanted him, and only him, and he knew that he was what made me happy. I gave him a huge ego boost, and I cannot and will not take that away from him. He!!, he gave me a huge ego boost at times as well. I think we both deserve to walk away from this relationship wiser and with more understanding of our own needs. It's my hope we will end this and go on to be truly happy, not even more bruised and battered than we have already become.

 

Izzy - I SOOO know what you mean about stupid triggers. They used to get to me ALL the time. It was those damn triggers that got me to thinking about him each time, made me think, "see, I can't live without him!" and would send me into a downward spiral of tears, anger, and fear. But just the other day, I had a certain trigger, and I didn't react that way at all. I actually kinda reacted like, "what on earth, what the he!! is this music??" See, I had made him this compilation CD, basically of songs we both like that are also very symbolic of our relationship throughout its stages thus far. I had also made myself a copy of this CD so that we would both have it and both be able to listen to it when we were apart and still "be together." To give you an idea of the lyrical content, two of the songs on that CD are "Dumb Girls" by Lucy Woodward and "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd. Seriously, look up the lyrics to those songs!! Just today, I put in that CD, and I literally had to eject it immediately! While some of the songs are very romantic and full of ... a sort of sweet desperate longing ... the majority of the songs are fairly negative, really painful, bitter, etc. And I thought, "IS THIS WHAT I AM EXPERIENCING EVERY SINGLE DAY?!?!" Yup, it sure is. So what did I do? Picked up the phone and set up a date for tomorrow night with guy #2.

 

And see, a while ago I tried dating unsuccessfully because MM kept popping up in my mind - I would compare MM to the guy - not as funny, not as charming, not as succesful, not as sexy, didn't give me the butterflies (and OH! how those butterflies are SO important, right?!?!). Because I was doing this "comparison dating" MM would always come out on top, and then I'd somehow manage to convince myself that MM was the best thing around and that no one on earth was going to make me feel as head over heels as MM - no one was going to make me feel as...well, CRAZY in love.

 

But what I didn't really think about was this: It's not healthy to be CRAZY in any shape or form, whether it's literally crazy-town-needing-to-go-to-the-funny-farm or crazy in love. What I am focusing on now is who's going to make me happy? Who am I going to be able to trust with everything - my life, my thoughts, my dreams, MY HEART? Who can I start MY OWN happily ever after with, without having to remove him from someone else's (the W's)?

 

I have had heartache before. BAD heartache. And I know, looking back, obviously, that I have survived that heartache and moved on and haven't really thought twice about those guys in years. I know I will eventually get over MM as well....I'm just scared it's going to take me TOO long - that in the meantime I'm going to let the perfect guy FOR ME slip through my fingers!

 

I also know now that MM caught me when I was low. I don't think I have a low self-esteem at all compared to most people, but for me personally, I think I was at a lower point emotionally when we first met. I had just finished my first year of practicing law, felt like I wasn't going to make it intellectually, and I felt like my youth and beauty were starting to slip. He came along and just charmed me - said all these things about how wonderful I was, how intelligent, witty, goregous, sexy, etc., and next thing I knew, I was hooked. It didn't really matter what positive things I felt/thought about myself at that point, because what seemed to affect me the most was knowing that no one else (or so was my perception) was TELLING me all of these wonderful things that I KNOW I am. That's not to say that I need gratuitous compliments, mind you. But I hadn't heard any kudos about myself in a long, long time. So...his just worked, I guess. I'm no longer low. Not too high, but certainly not as low as before.

 

I've spent the past couple of months collecting my own kudos - from peers, family, friends, and most importantly, myself. It has sadly taken me that long to realize that MM takes me for granted. I AM a wonderful, caring, thoughtful, generous, intelligent, witty, sexy, gorgeous woman with the whole world laid out before her. I DESERVE more than he can give me, more than he is willing to give me. There are guys out there that would do anything to be with me. I just have to find the one that I would do anything for as well.

 

He's out there. I'll find him. It may take me a long time, but I'll find him. Right??

 

I'll keep ya posted. But in the meantime, feel free to post good thoughts!!

[izzybelle]

kmt -

 

WOW! great thoughts and you are so right on all of those things! you are well on your way out of this to something and someone better, whether it's a current guy or someone else. just keep it up and great on making the date with guy #2, i've got a date tomorrow night too. provided the storm headed at us doesn't make me too afraid to go out somplace. but then again, i know he'd come over here if i was too nervous about going out someplace! so i'll be thinking about you, well ...maybe not!

 

but i do soooooo miss those butterflies! but for now i'll be happy with just being happy, we'll find those guys... and i hope it doesn't take you until you're 50. hel! i hope it doesn't take me that long and that's only 5 more years!

[KissMyTiara]

Hmm, second date didn't go so well. There was NO spark, AT ALL, and I started noticing things I didn't like - odd things, I know, but I can't deal. Like the way he holds ANY glass with his pinky out, his ever-so-faint lisp, the fact that he didn't even tip the waitress 15%, that he doesn't really seem to have eyelids, or even eye-whites, just beedy brown irises.

 

I'm not overanalyzing him or even remotely comparing him to MM, he's just not someone I am really into, I guess.

 

On to the next guy...

[newby]

Hmm, second date didn't go so well. There was NO spark, AT ALL, and I started noticing things I didn't like - odd things, I know, but I can't deal. Like the way he holds ANY glass with his pinky out, his ever-so-faint lisp, the fact that he didn't even tip the waitress 15%, that he doesn't really seem to have eyelids, or even eye-whites, just beedy brown irises.

 

I'm not overanalyzing him or even remotely comparing him to MM, he's just not someone I am really into, I guess.

 

QUOTE kmt

 

ha ha

no, i dont think you really are!

[izzybelle]

kmt -

 

On to the next guy..

 

i sooooo like that attitude! wish i felt confident saying the same thing!

 

i'm sorry date #2 didn't produce more positive results for you. my date that was supposed to happen on tues. ended up being cancelled. he's been sick but decided to drink way too much on mon. night and stay out waaaaaay too late so he was in pretty sad shape on tues. and while there was a part of me that was ummmm a little p'd off, most of me was just relieved that i didn't have to go! i like him, i really do, and there are occassionally sparks but just teeny, eeeeeny little sparks, nothing i'm sure that i could even start a fire with under the best circumstances. and .... i'm supposed to see him on sunday .... and ... i don't know what to do. if i do, it's going to be time for a heart to heart. he's starting to get close to crossing that line of being very into a relationship with me, or at least that's the impression i'm getting, and i'm so far from that line it's not even possible to think about crossing it with him! but if i tell him that, will he be gone? and if he is, does it matter?

 

what's up with you and MM?

 

i seem to have lost my instruction manual to all this crap!

 

izzy

[MsMree]

how did you meet these SM's - i have no idea how to meet men!!! Especially if meet'g them means going to a bar or club (i don't drink).

 

I've tried the on-line thing w/the same results ea. time - they were very interested, i wasn't.

[izzybelle]

mree -

 

if you don't mind me asking .... how old are you? i'm 45 and run into the same problem .... most of the men i know are married. i'm not into the bar scene, i drink but it's not my style any more. several people have suggested to me to join church groups, but with my views on religion, all that would be good for is an argument. someone else recently suggested to me that i should join a health club since many have social events especially for new members. i of course joked with my male friend who suggested that saying that i guessed that meant i shouldn't join one just for women only he laughed and said that was my choice but if i decided to go "that direction" that he'd break his rules about dating me!

 

but it's a challenge and one of the reasons that alll this is sooooooo difficult!

 

izzy

[MsMree]

Answered you in a PM

[LadyRLD]

I don't go out to bars or clubs at all. I meet men everywhere. Like going to the grocery store, In my office complex where I work, at the gym, or sometimes if I am riding with the convertible top down on a sunny day I meet men on the freeway, or I meet them when I am getting my car wash.

 

You just have to be out there a lot running errands. But I pick places that are specifically busy. Like I would go to the car wash that all the people with nice cars go to and there are a lot of single people there. Or I would go to the grocery that's the most busy in the city if I am not in a rush.

 

You can meet a guy anywhere. I am a happy smiley type person and that always attracts men when you look happy go lucky, I guess :0)

 

I know it doesn't help but you don't have to go to a dumpy bar or club where everyone is out looking for one thing. You can meet them running every day errands. You just have to open your eyes and look around you.

[izzybelle]

LadyRLD,

 

all good suggestions.... or course around here having a convertible is only good for about two days a year!

 

i do spend a lot of time in the grocery store and have heard of people meeting there. one of our stores actually tried a "singles" night years ago, but i was still married then and they've since stopped. i, too, am an incredibly smiley person. my kids are always amazed that strangers come up and start conversations with me. i've explained to them that it's just a matter of smiling and making eye contact. it's amazing how many people look down or look away when passing. i've had men follow me around in the store, or at least it's appeared that way. you know that odd feeling you get when you know someone's watching you and you look up and they're there, over and over again? and never seem to put anything from that section into the cart. i've made a game out of it a few times and have wandered into the feminine products aisle.... i know, i'm bad, but it's fun to see the expression on their faces if i reach for a box of something! BUT... every single time that it's happen, the dude in question has a wedding ring on! i've had them make comments to me or start stupid conversations about things on the shelf ...always married men! i frequently stop on my way home and am usually in heels and dressed nicely, and i'll get many comments... i've even been flirted with in hardware stores but those guys were all married too. on the soccer fields, at my kids school, it always seems to be the same case.

 

so it seems, i have no trouble attracting men, many of them attractive but .... it's the single ones that seem to be in hiding! i won't give up, but it's frustrating, and with this one single guy who's very interested now, i'm really keeping my guard up, i don't want to feel like i'm settling, just because he's the one single guy who's interested!

[KissMyTiara]

You just literally have to get yourself out there. A male friend of mine, co-counsel, kinda encouraged me to do it. He said, "KMT, you have to just put yourself in situations where you are going to meet men, all sorts of men, but specifcally, the kind of men you know you'd want to be with. But you do need "practice" dating and engaging with men, so wherever you go doesn't matter, so long as you are out of the office, out of the house, and hanging around people that aren't just your girlfriends and gay male pals!!"

 

So I did it.

 

Here's where I have met the men I have had the dates with (sadly, none of them have made it past the second date, but I AM getting out there at least - and it keeps my mind off MM!!):

 

First it was at a fundraiser for a candidate for Mayor.

Second was at a gallery opening.

Third was at the gym.

Fourth was from an online dating thing.

Fifth, same.

Sixth was through a court reporter that I work with (semi-blind date).

Seventh was at a bar - but a relaxing, chill, dive-kinda-place, NOT a "club" or a typical pick-up joint.

Eighth was at a "young professionals" kinda of mixer.

Ninth was at a sort of convention-like-thing related to work (that date is set for tonight, though he hasn't called yet to specify time...).

 

You just literally have to GET OUT THERE. Go to places you like to go, engage in activities you enjoy, promote yourself!

[meanon]

I still talk to MM and see him on a regular basis, but I find myself not caring so much if I don't get the "last call of the day"

You are less dependent on him for attention now that you have it from others. That's a big step forward but you wonder when you will meet a man whose attention you can reciprocate, when you will be able to pull away from your MM.

 

These two things are linked, kmt. You may not be consciously comparing your date to your MM but your heart still belongs him, that's why it feels like a betrayal.

 

I don't think you should wait for a man who is right for you to enable you to pull away, at the moment you may not recognise him. Instead, gradually pull away while continuing to date. That way you'll create the space for someone else.

[KissMyTiara]

Thanks Meanon. You're oh so right.

 

I am trying to pull away slowly, dating around, meeting new people, etc., so that I can create a space in my heart that MM doesn't fill, if that makes sense. The more space I can prohibit him from consuming, the easier it will be - OVER TIME - to completely break free.

 

You know how you might be dating someone and over a period of time you BOTH stop seeing each other as much, calling as much, caring as much, for no particular reason other than the *spark* or whatever it is just kinda fizzles out? I ALWAYS prefer these kinds of breakups, it's my preferred way of ending a relationship. Both parties just kinda think, "eh, I guess that's kinda...done now, right?" Know what I mean? That's what I am hoping will happen here....that over time, I'll just get bored of this fiasco, and that over the same time, MM will tire of me. I know that probably sounds horrible, but as far as my heart is concerned, it's gonna be the easiest way out.

[izzybelle]

kmt -

 

that all makes perfect sense and i think those are the kind of break ups we all prefer. things fizzle out, nobody's the bad guy, nobody gets hurt (or at least not as badly).

 

and i agree, the less room there is for MM in your heart or you life will make it easier to move on... hopefully he won't keep trying to force his way back in!

[Owl]

KMT-

 

Your thoughts on where to meet someone make a heck of a lot of sense! Go places where you're likely to meet the kind of person you want to be with...that really is what it all boils down to.

 

I wish you luck all the way around friend. I know you and I haven't agreed on things in the past, but I do hope that it all works out the best way it possibly can for you!