Jadedbyluv Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 I've mentioned on here in the past about being in an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. I struggled with my self esteem and self worth once it ended. I was told that nobody would ever want me, and I believed it. It's been 4 years since that relationship and I've dated a few guys here and there but nothing ever lasted. Mostly because of my own insecurities. Despite seeing a therapist and telling myself that I am worthy of love, sometimes I still feel like I'm not good enough. This last guy I dated took me on an emotional rollercoaster. Fell for him hard and fast. He came on very intense in the beginning and basically told he loved me then everything changed. It's like everything he said to me and how he felt went right out the door. It was confusing and he ended up giving me the silet treatment. As much as I told myself it had nothing to do with me, and this was him. I took it personally and let it get to me. It has negatively affected my self-worth because I feel yet again I'm not good enough. I feel inadequate. I hate these feelings. I've talked to my therapist and she confirmed that I didn't do anything and I can't let this determine what I'm worth. But I still feel it. I feel so broken inside. Someone tells you they love you then disappear out of your life for no good reason. It is hard to not take it personally. How do I move past it? 1
Ronni_W Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 It's not that YOU are not good enough. It could be that you're not making the best assessments, or that you're ignoring your intuition or gut instincts. But those things are skills that can be developed, built-up, strengthened with practice. You could, perhaps, say "my ability to accurately assess is not as good as I'd like it to be"...but that still isn't the innate you, it only speaks to the skills that you've decided to acquire, master. People say "I love you"...but that doesn't mean that they KNOW what genuine love is or means or how it actually looks and feels (IMO, most people do not have the first clue about genuine, uplifting 'love'). That is, you can consider more their definition of the term -- what it means to them -- than taking it to mean anything about you (or any other person to whom they say that). 2
moonlightpath Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 (edited) I was in the same boat. My ex came on strong. He acted like he cared. Like i was the only girl in the world. I fell for him quickly. He told me loved me and always would. He said no one would ever love me the way he did. That I will never find a good guy like him. And i believed it. But then one day he randomly cut me off. Gave me the silent treatment. He left me so torn and lost. I felt awful. I still do. I had a guy friend to help me through it. And he did. I then fell for this new guy. But for what? This new guy left me for someone else. Now I'm back to the way I felt when the first guy left me. Sad and alone with no friends. I don't know what advice to give. Just keep busy and turn to friends. Edited August 16, 2014 by moonlightpath Added details
Author Jadedbyluv Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 It's not that YOU are not good enough. It could be that you're not making the best assessments, or that you're ignoring your intuition or gut instincts. But those things are skills that can be developed, built-up, strengthened with practice. You could, perhaps, say "my ability to accurately assess is not as good as I'd like it to be"...but that still isn't the innate you, it only speaks to the skills that you've decided to acquire, master. People say "I love you"...but that doesn't mean that they KNOW what genuine love is or means or how it actually looks and feels (IMO, most people do not have the first clue about genuine, uplifting 'love'). That is, you can consider more their definition of the term -- what it means to them -- than taking it to mean anything about you (or any other person to whom they say that). While I've dated quite a few guys, I've only said I love you twice. And this guy was the second time I've said it but the first time I really felt it. That's what is making this harder knowing that my definition and meaning was different than his. When I said it, I knew I was letting my guard down and being vulnerable. I was putting myself out there and wasn't expecting to get hurt. I knew I was taking that risk but didn't expect it so soon.
todreaminblue Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 i know what its like to feel worthless, never good enough.....lived with it for years.....the more i was told that the more i would try and reinvent myself.....do more say more be more than what was actually physically mentally and emotionally able for me to be.....so burn out ensues and i am wreck tryign to live up to what others expect... what i didnt get ....is that others opinions or expectations dont matter not my fathers not an ex or not a current boyfriend, not a future boyfriend, my self worth does not depend on their assessment of me......it depends on how happy i am with who i am and that includes when i look like hell personified...tired or sick or unmotivated........and then things evened out when i decided to follow my heart.........i am able to be me and be happy......i actually have high self esteem i am capable of a lot....and i know my limitations...but one thing i do is push myself i dont need others too push me or judge me worthy...i have always pushed myself and embraced change.....i just never give up.....i have as much right to feel good in my own skin as anyone else does...i might not fit the mold....i might look different talk different write different but thats who i am..i dont hurt people in who i am or what i do...and if i do its unintentional.and i am worthy,,,,especially of happiness because i try to make others happy so why not me too...... in all honesty i am expected to be a wreck becaue of my personal history and what i have been through......i may be a wreck ......but i am a wreck who adjusts her sails.......and i always find the wind to carry me through.....no one can be satisfied for me......or make me feel worthy.....only i can ...and faith .....thats my wind....the holy spirit a compass to guide me through storms.....and me....im the captain......smilin....sail your own ship opening poster......only you know how to sail it best......be sea worthy......nothing finer than that.........deb 1
Ronni_W Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 That's what is making this harder knowing that my definition and meaning was different than his. When I said it, I knew I was letting my guard down and being vulnerable. I was putting myself out there and wasn't expecting to get hurt. I knew I was taking that risk but didn't expect it so soon. There's still nothing "wrong" with being brave and courageous, though, and consciously taking a known or perceived risk. Standing up and speaking out for what we feel, or value, or believe in is NOT a bad thing. People who use and misuse and abuse love and in the name of 'love' are, IMO, in the wrong. People who take advantage of sane, healthy, normal love and the people who are willing to risk for love. It's still nothing wrong on your part. It's not the first time, and it certainly won't be the last time, that your definition of something is different than the other person's. Sometimes we learn about the difference through a hard knock...but most times we don't even know that there's any difference. Most often, we do not expect to get hurt...personally, I've never stayed in ANY situation (job, relationship, volunteer position) where I expected or foresaw any type of negative outcome. There isn't logic or reason in it being difficult to accept that people have different interpretations (definitions, meanings) of qualities, traits, values...or, for that matter, that people prioritize values, qualities differently. Do you know why it's more difficult for you, just knowing that you and he had different definitions, meanings of this thing called 'love'? (I mean...I get that it's a feeling, but have you explored the feeling to any greater depth than just knowing that it exists? That is, what are the thoughts and beliefs underpinning the feeling?) 1
Author Jadedbyluv Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Do you know why it's more difficult for you, just knowing that you and he had different definitions, meanings of this thing called 'love'? (I mean...I get that it's a feeling, but have you explored the feeling to any greater depth than just knowing that it exists? That is, what are the thoughts and beliefs underpinning the feeling?) This is what has been constantly on my mind. It's difficult because I know I meant it wholeheartedly. And it's a painful reality that he didn't necessarily love me He lusted after me, and he said what I thought I wanted to hear. It is almost like unrequited love. It's also difficult because I don't know how I could love someone who would choose to basically disappear on me and hurt me.
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