indecisive 12 Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Sorry for the long story, but really need advice and want to make sure those reading have a good picture of things. I'm 33. She is 29. We have been dating for 4 years. We bought a house together a year and a half ago. Since we bought the house it has been the toughest year and a half ever. A family member on her side died, her favorite cat nearly died and was sick for months, she is in grad school and working full time, we have had problems with the house, I've had problems at work, I've battled depression.. the list goes on and on. If there was a tougher year ahead in my life I would be surprised. But since the beginning of the relationship I had some doubts about how much I enjoyed the sex with her, but it's not like it's bad. And my previous girlfriend and I had the best sex I could ever imagine having. It was just mindblowing. So I thought my current girlfriend could be getting compared to something that was not fair... and that over time I would come to realize that. Unfortunately I don't think I have ever really developed a stronger appreciation for what we have in the bedroom. I feel like she is pretty inhibited.. and just not a very sexual person. She does want to have it sometimes, but even when we do I feel like she isn't really super into it. Like she just isn't a sexual person. It seems mechanical to me. If I am being honest with myself, this is the main reason I want to break up with her. This has also caused me to not be very physically attracted to her, either. Physically she does not have a couple of the traits that I really am attracted to in a woman, but she is not unattractive. Other reasons are that we don't balance each other. We're both messy. We're both somewhat anti-social. We're both bad with money. We both stress out easily. We both have bouts of depression. She wants to travel the world, I want to grow roots where we are. We argue about things alot. It has obviously been worse in the past year. I broke up with her on Sunday. It's awful. We both hate it. I know I love her, but I don't know if I love her enough to marry. And I feel like the issues that bother me cannot be overcome. We're supporting each other through it (which is weird), but I feel like she still wants the relationship... although she has admitted that she has felt we should break up, too. We both feel confused and like a part of us thinks we have not tried hard enough. She is an amazing person who has treated me better than anyone ever has. Even family. She is 100% always there for me when I need it. She is nice to others and is just genuinely an awesome person. I am afraid of losing that. My friends tell me that they argue with their wives.. and that once you are married and have a kid that just naturally sex takes a backseat in your life. As if the thing that bothers me most now will mostly disappear as an issue someday. It seems like that just can't possibly be true. She will be a great mother, but will she be a great wife? Can I be a great husband to her? What do I do? Can someone get better, significantly, in the bedroom? How does she develop a crazy desire that she doesn't already have? I feel like talking about this honestly is only going to hurt her feelings (which I don't want to do) and, even if she improves, I will always wonder if it is fake. I always look at other women and feel strong attraction to them and wish I could sleep with them. But I wouldn't do that to my GF. She comes back from her parents house in a couple of days. I feel like I have to decide to stay firm on the breakup (for good), or admit to her that I also am having doubts about it and make an effort to improve the relationship. Part of me gets excited thinking about someday finding another woman that I'm really attracted to.. but another part of me is worried that I'm just an idiot. Any advice would really help. Thank you for reading this giant wall of text.
ThorntonMelon Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Be prepared she may come back and tell you she's happy you're broken up. And if she does you're going to be devastated. I hope you're not, but it happens. You'll always feel like you settled. I am sure she knows you're unhappy with the bedroom issues and you guys havent met in the middle on it. The only thing I'd say is comparing her to a previous girlfriend is unfair. Obviously there was something wrong with that girlfriend or she wouldn't be an ex. Just sayin. My advice would be to take a break and date other people and if you find the grass isn't greener, I pray for you she finds the same. My guess is there are plenty of good guys who'd love a nice girl who treats them well even if they aren't having porn star sex. And I'm not saying that as a dig at you. I think you're a sincere guy but you aren't in love with her the way you need to in order to sustain a marriage.
Author indecisive 12 Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 You are definitely right that my ex had issues, which is why she is my ex. She was a bad person. Suffered with anger and jealousy issues, and was insane. But she was incredibly attractive and the intimacy stuff was awesome.. so I stuck it out longer than I should. Which is why I really want(ed) things to work out with my current GF. I strongly doubt that she will ever come back and say she is happy about us breaking up. I don't mean that in a smug way. I just know her. She will never be happy about it. I was kind of hoping someone would come on here and say that they think the sex thing can be fixed.. and that ultimately it no longer matters that much once you're married. Basically I was looking for someone to tell me it is a good idea to stick it out and work on things. This is very crappy. I've never broken up with someone and actually felt like I was the one being broken up with. I've always been confident in my decisions before.
Author indecisive 12 Posted August 22, 2014 Author Posted August 22, 2014 Still having a really hard time. She actually did come back from her weekend away more sure. She doesnt want it but she must realize that i won't ever love her the way she deserves. I cannot blame her, and part of me is very excited for her future and happy thinking she will find what she deserves. We still live together and are pretty amicable. She has always supported me. She is doing the same thing now and I am trying to do that for her, too. My friends are trying to be there for me. But everyone else's concern feels hollow and vastly inferior in every way to hers. I feel like i have done something that cannot be reversed and will ultimately be the worst decision of my life. My family's support is OK, but how do I give up probably the only person who will ever treat me this way? I have never been as embarrassing a puddle of sadness and depression as I feel now. I don't.know what to do.
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