What is a separation suppose to be like?

[sjs61]

I'm currently separated for nearly 7 months. I do on occassion see my husband for only s_x. When he visits I keep asking when he's coming back home or about this marriage. My concern is when he visits he takes my money or things from my place.

 

My question is:

Should I let him in again?

Is this Blind love?

Is this marriage over?

 

When I confronted him why he took my roll of quarters for my laundry and a DVD he got up from the sofa and started rant and rave than said everytime I come here we argue and get accused of something. Well, he's the only one here. So, should I trust him?

 

I know the Bible says to forgive those who done evil to you. Well, how many more times will I have to continue forgiving him? I feel its over this marriage if trust isn't in it.

 

Any suggestions...

[LucreziaBorgia]

The separation sounds like its working fine but only for him and his selfish needs.

 

He gets to come and go as he pleases and drop by your house when he feels like having sex or taking your things. As long as he is getting what he wants, I expect he would see no reason to go back to a marriage when he's getting all he needs from you this way.

 

If I were you, I'd force him to really rethink some things by removing yourself from situations in which he feels he can take advantage of you. I'd do that by letting him know that you are going to be truly married, or truly separated - if he will not go to marriage counseling with you, or work on fixing your marriage then you can move for real separation: change your number or block his calls, change the locks, initiate 'no contact' and let him know that any further contact will have to be done through your lawyer.

 

Should I let him in again?

Is this Blind love?

Is this marriage over?

 

1. Not unless he agrees to enroll in marriage counseling, and make real effort and progress in working on fixing the problems in the relationship.

2. Yes, it is impossible to see past your own hopes for happiness sometimes. When they say 'love is blind' it isn't always meant in a positive way.

3. If it continues in this way with no changes, yes.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by sjs61

Should I let him in again?

Is this Blind love?

Is this marriage over?

 

No

Yes, on your part

Yes

[Israfil]

Originally posted by sjs61

My concern is when he visits he takes my money or things from my place.

 

should I trust him?

 

Er, NO!

 

I feel its over this marriage if trust isn't in it.

 

Any suggestions...

 

Do you have children together? To be blunt - If no, never contact him again.

[Yikes]

Sorry but you're being used and people can only use you if you let them.

 

No need for me to say more the previous responses said it all.

 

Good luck, I hope things go better for you.

 

Y

[rble618740]

I am not ready to answer your questions the way others here have. That's not to say they're wrong, I'm just not convinced they're right.

 

My husband and I separated for a while on June 2, 2004. I felt VERY used. He wasn't working when he left so I kept paying his bills (so my credit didn't get ruined). I never knew where he was, what he was doing, and I was in total limbo about my marriage. We went to a marriage counseling session the week he left and my husband said he wanted to work on our marriage, but I did not see him or hear from him for two weeks after that. When he came to the house again, he didn't want to talk about our marriage. I was in agony not knowing what the future held for us.

 

For about 2 1/2 months after my husband left, that's how things were. I spent a LOT of time on the telephone with my preacher. During that time, my husband and I didn't have sex and I asked him for money to pay his bills. He got really mad. I didn't argue with him, I just stood firm (but calmly did so). My husband started feeling like he was the unreasonable one since he was the only one screaming and getting upset. He would, though, just come to the house whenever he wanted, stay for however long he wanted, not talk to me about our marriage, and he would tell me about the fun he was having living with a single buddy.

 

I was patient during that time. I didn't demand that we talk about us. I didn't press him for answers. I just welcomed him with open arms and loved him and supported him. I told him things like, "If you decide that we can't make it, I respect your decision even though I disagree. I will be fine. I will be happy, even without you. Don't come back out of guilt. If you're going to leave this relationship, it's better that you do it now than 5 years from now."

 

Finally, I felt really peaceful about confronting him. I knew I had been more than patient, and my husband had said that. He had spent two weekends in a row at our house, and was supposed to get in touch with me on a Friday. I didn't hear from him. He called Sunday night apologizing. I finally, very calmly told him that, I was not going to be a weekend wife. That, at this point, I felt the separation was not benefitting our marriage. I told him that I felt like I was enabling him to keep a wife without living like a married man, and that I was not interested in that lifestyle. I told him, for the millionth time that I loved him and that I was committed to working on our marriage, but that I didn't believe in what we were doing. I explained to him that, any time he wanted to talk about our future as a married couple, he was welcome to call or come over (if he called first). However, I was not interested in dating or making small talk with him anymore. That was on a Sunday. On Tuesday, he called to chit chat. I didn't talk with him. I restated my position. I told him that I was not going to talk with him about work or anything but our marriage - and I politely got off the phone. On Thursday, his mother called me and said he was dying to know what and how I was doing. I explained, very politely, to her the same thing I had told her son - we either needed to focus on us, or move towards divorce. I had never waivered on my commitment, but he needed to make a decision - and whatever that decision may be, I would be fine with it.

 

On Friday my husband called to ask if he could come over. I asked him only if he was coming to talk to me about us. He said he was. He came to our home, and he was as vulnerable as I've ever seen him. He asked to come home. I told him we could try it. He came home and our marriage has been unbelievable ever since. I have gotten more respect from him in the past 6 months than I had in the previous 2 1/2 years. I'm positive what made an impression on him was my love and forgiveness, in the face of his indifference. I think, though, that part of his respect grew out of my not letting him use me. It's a fine line. You can love and be committed while you are drawing boundaries. It's a skill - you might need help developing it - but it's a valuable tool in a marriage.

 

I don't know if this approach will work with your husband, or if you're prepared for him to decide one and for all that it's over. I was when I put my foot down with my husband. Only then can you do it with peace.

 

The Bible says that we forgive, but I don't believe (and neither did my preacher) that this means that you let your husband use you when you know this is the case. You are required to remain committed to your marriage. Put the ball in his court. If your marriage is going to end, even if you force his hand, it will end because of him. It seems you're ready and willing to work on your marriage, but he has left you. You haven't done anything violative of the Bible's plan for marriage - he has. If you put your foot down making it clear that you are still willing to honor your vows - you still aren't doing anything the Bible prohibits. If he decides not to come home, he has still been the one that left you and he is in the wrong.

[Mz. Pixie]

Rble-

 

Great job. I believe what you did was what I read in the book "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. I think it's a great read for someone who is separated but doesn't want to be.