So, I finally changed my way approaching girls, and now I have a date!

[Teknoe]

For years I did the same thing:

 

1. See cute girl

2. Crush begins to bubble

3. Become friends with girl

4. Hang out 1 on 1 or talk online/text and become better friends

5. Crush grows

6. Call up friends galore and/or post on internet asking for advice on what to do next, does she like me type posts

7. Eventually confess

8. Get shot down

9. Friendship slowly dies

10. Begins step 1 with a new girl 2-3 months later

 

That, in a nutshell, has been my MO this past decade. I'd spend HOURS analyzing how a little innocent reaction on my crush's part from 3 months again was a sign that she liked me.

 

It drove me crazy, and it was too much hard work for a losing cause.

 

Now, online this girl winked at me. I shot her an email, and 5 emails later, I asked her out and she said yes. It was almost too easy. Not once did I have to call a friend or post on the internet to analyze whether she liked me or not. I saw her yes coming a mile away. It was frighteningly simple, anticlimactic and easy.

 

SO I guess I want to encourage those of you who fall into the 10 step program like I have done. CHANGE IT UP! Nothing changes until you do.

 

Overanalyzing is usually the kiss of death. If you have to ask if she likes you or not, chances are, she does not.

[d0nnivain]

Good for you for figuring out that you had to change what you were doing because it wasn't working.

 

Just make sure you keep the over analyzing tendencies in check as you are dating.

[DrSimple]

Good job in the breaking the cycle, that is the first step! I thought I would chime in on the processes you describe.

 

Scenario: Crush + friends first

 

Person 1 sees person 2 as a friend

Person 2 sees person one as a potential mate, and has their feelings continue to grow until a breaking point.

 

There is a huge differential in each person's interest in each other, this drives away "Person 1" because they don't feel the same way.

 

This is actually also very similar to the process in dating where people becoming extremely attached quickly/become too needy/smothering which drives away a potential partner. In that scenario both are looking for a mate, but there is still a huge inequality in their interest levels which drives away the less interested party.

 

In order to have a healthy relationship, both parties need to rise up and build their interest levels at a relatively same pace or learn to mask their higher interest level by muting their behaviour until their potential mate rises up to the same level.

 

Any situation where there is a huge gap in interest will lead to bad situations. It can be used as a position of power from the less interested party, or simply drive them away when there could have been a chance to grow something healthy otherwise.

[Assasda]

It can be so hard to change what youve been doing for a while.

But it just has to be done.

People gotta grow

[Supernatural]

Except... She winked at you first... You didn't pursue her. She pursued you. If she never winked... You wouldn't have typed this because it would have never happened (possibly) So did anything really change?

 

I mean, if a girl asked me out, and I agreed and we had a good time. That connection didn't come from my doing. I simply just allowed it to happen and said yes to her. The roles were reversed.

She put herself out there to start. Not you -- even though it was just a wink. For the last decade, you friend-zoned your self. In this case, she was already interested in you from the start.

 

Get a date with 10 women in the next month and see if you have had an actual break through. Comparing a decade of being shot down, to one success isn't legitimate.

 

There is a huge difference in being the person who is pursued, than the person pursuing. A wink eliminated the challenge you struggled with prior. A girl who sends a wink, will make it easy for you. As opposed to messaging someone cold turkey and trying to get their attention.

 

Change in behavior doesn't happen over night.

 

----------------------------------------

I'm not trying to make you feel bad or take anything away from you. Be a Debbie downer, or something. I just want you to question everything, because I do want you to grow. I'm not here to pat you on the ass when change in self never actually happened.

Edited August 16, 2014 by Supernatural

[melandrien]

Except... She winked at you first... You didn't pursue her. She pursued you. If she never winked... You wouldn't have typed this because it would have never happened (possibly) So did anything really change?

 

I mean, if a girl asked me out, and I agreed and we had a good time. That connection didn't come from my doing. I simply just allowed it to happen and said yes to her. The roles were reversed.

She put herself out there to start. Not you -- even though it was just a wink. For the last decade, you friend-zoned your self. In this case, she was already interested in you from the start.

 

Get a date with 10 women in the next month and see if you have had an actual break through. Comparing a decade of being shot down, to one success isn't legitimate.

 

There is a huge difference in being the person who is pursued, than the person pursuing. A wink eliminated half of your challenge.

 

You could be right, on the other hand, a little boost in confidence never hurt anybody.

 

In any case, I would say have this as your turning point, and do not panic if it doesn't turn out well. Baby steps, or sort of.

[DazedandConfused8]

For years I did the same thing:

 

1. See cute girl

2. Crush begins to bubble

3. Become friends with girl

4. Hang out 1 on 1 or talk online/text and become better friends

5. Crush grows

6. Call up friends galore and/or post on internet asking for advice on what to do next, does she like me type posts

7. Eventually confess

8. Get shot down

9. Friendship slowly dies

10. Begins step 1 with a new girl 2-3 months later

 

That, in a nutshell, has been my MO this past decade. I'd spend HOURS analyzing how a little innocent reaction on my crush's part from 3 months again was a sign that she liked me.

 

It drove me crazy, and it was too much hard work for a losing cause.

 

Now, online this girl winked at me. I shot her an email, and 5 emails later, I asked her out and she said yes. It was almost too easy. Not once did I have to call a friend or post on the internet to analyze whether she liked me or not. I saw her yes coming a mile away. It was frighteningly simple, anticlimactic and easy.

 

SO I guess I want to encourage those of you who fall into the 10 step program like I have done. CHANGE IT UP! Nothing changes until you do.

 

Overanalyzing is usually the kiss of death. If you have to ask if she likes you or not, chances are, she does not.

 

What do you mean online she winked at you? Like she said something to you with a ; ) in the text and you took that to mean she wanted to go out with you?

[somedude81]

Nice going Teknoe.

 

Though Supernatural said what I wanted to already.

 

She made the first move.

 

When the girl makes the first move, it means that she's interested. From then on all you have to do is keep going forward and don't screw up.

[Supernatural]

What do you mean online she winked at you? Like she said something to you with a ; ) in the text and you took that to mean she wanted to go out with you?

 

I think you can send winks.. Like a pop up would display "LittleChic Has Sent You A Wink. Type her to send a message!"

 

Or she could have just messaged him a " ; ) ". Same thing either way..

 

A WINK!

[Els]

Congratulations Teknoe!

 

Which girl is this, if you don't mind me asking? Was it the one you were asking us about recently (the gamer girl)?

[Teknoe]

Congratulations Teknoe!

 

Which girl is this, if you don't mind me asking? Was it the one you were asking us about recently (the gamer girl)?

 

Yes, the gamer girl.

 

Well, meet up happened today. I didn't find her to be physically attractive. She got dressed up a little bit, while I came in casual jeans and a polo. I felt slightly underdressed, lol. I didn't think she'd dress in some kind of work suit and low heels. I expected short shorts, flip flops and a tee.

 

We talked for about 100 minutes. I didn't really feel a spark, and I had the feeling that she digged me far more than I dug her.

 

I feel bad because I'd hate to drop off on her, but at the same time I don't want to lead her on. Could I fall for her over time? I guess it's possible, but I really didn't feel anything today, and I'd rather be single than try to make it work with someone I'm interested in only 10-15%

 

Wondering if I should talk to her again or just move on completely.

[somedude81]

Was there anything about her look that turned you off, or where you just not attracted to her?

[Els]

Yes, the gamer girl.

 

Well, meet up happened today. I didn't find her to be physically attractive. She got dressed up a little bit, while I came in casual jeans and a polo. I felt slightly underdressed, lol. I didn't think she'd dress in some kind of work suit and low heels. I expected short shorts, flip flops and a tee.

 

We talked for about 100 minutes. I didn't really feel a spark, and I had the feeling that she digged me far more than I dug her.

 

Eh, if you didn't typo and you literally spoke for an hour and 40 minutes (not just 10 minutes) and didn't feel anything for her, then I think letting her go is the best option.

[mightycpa]

I feel bad because I'd hate to drop off on her, but at the same time I don't want to lead her on. Could I fall for her over time? I guess it's possible, but I really didn't feel anything today, and I'd rather be single than try to make it work with someone I'm interested in only 10-15%

 

Wondering if I should talk to her again or just move on completely.

 

If I were you, I'd take this girl out on a couple of dates and have some fun. As a hopefully recovering 10 stepper, you sound like you could use the practice.

 

Oh, and don't try to "make it work" - just go have some fun, and like other posters have said, try asking other girls out without waiting to see if they have an interest in you. Will you get shot down? Yes, frequently, if you ask enough. Don't let that stop you. Like everything else, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

[Supernatural]

If I were you, I'd take this girl out on a couple of dates and have some fun. As a hopefully recovering 10 stepper, you sound like you could use the practice.

 

Oh, and don't try to "make it work" - just go have some fun, and like other posters have said, try asking other girls out without waiting to see if they have an interest in you. Will you get shot down? Yes, frequently, if you ask enough. Don't let that stop you. Like everything else, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

 

You beat me to it.

 

I would keep going out with the girl and have fun. Explore your new found confidence and have fun. You will learn a lot from just being out with a new girl. If you don't want to give her the wrong idea, just steer away from romantic timed dates. Keep everything light and fun. And if a 'talk' comes up, be honest.

[Wisecrack]

I too would like to chime into this with one bit of advice. Intentions should always made across in your non-verbal actions. Girls don't want the lovestruck professions or anything that lets across that you like her in wording. The moment you do this, you are loss.

 

Always see them in person and make your intentions clear by how you treat her; as a prospective partner and not as a friend. Hold the door open, be physical, brush across her, playfully punch her, hug her etc.

 

I busted a chance so now I wish you all the best mate and don't repeat my mistakes!

[Teknoe]

Was there anything about her look that turned you off, or where you just not attracted to her?

 

Just not attracted. Her face looks a little old. She's 31, but has an older person's face. I also noticed that she has an odd body shape. I just didn't feel any sense of physical attraction, and that is obviously important to me.

 

Conversation wise, it was fine. She's nice and very sweet... but came across as very serious. Her profile said she has a good sense of humor, but I didn't really see that, although I know on first meetings maybe that doesn't come across quite yet.

 

I'm just afraid if I ask her out again she'll misinterpret it as me being interested when I'm not.

 

Last night she texted me and thanked me for paying for her coffee, said "I had fun talking with you" and wished me a good night.

 

I sent her a token you're welcome, good to meet you, good night reply. I did mention to her as we left our coffee date that maybe in the future she can join my brother and his wife and me for a board game night. Think I said it just to be nice, though. We'll see if it actually goes through at some point.

 

And yes, I'm already messaging other girls online.

[HappyLove]

You expected short shorts, flip flops, & a tee on a first meetup? This makes me question your expectations.

 

Anyways, DO NOT date this girl for practice, or your ego, or to feel better about yourself, or until something better comes along. How would you like it if someone dated you but really weren't all that interested...just using you as a place holder. It's not right. Tell this girl straight up you don't see things romantically but thought she would be a great friend. Let her choose if she's into a friendship or not. Treat others as you'd want to be treated.

[somedude81]

Just not attracted. Her face looks a little old. She's 31, but has an older person's face. I also noticed that she has an odd body shape. I just didn't feel any sense of physical attraction, and that is obviously important to me.

 

Conversation wise, it was fine. She's nice and very sweet... but came across as very serious. Her profile said she has a good sense of humor, but I didn't really see that, although I know on first meetings maybe that doesn't come across quite yet.

 

I'm just afraid if I ask her out again she'll misinterpret it as me being interested when I'm not.

 

Last night she texted me and thanked me for paying for her coffee, said "I had fun talking with you" and wished me a good night.

 

I sent her a token you're welcome, good to meet you, good night reply. I did mention to her as we left our coffee date that maybe in the future she can join my brother and his wife and me for a board game night. Think I said it just to be nice, though. We'll see if it actually goes through at some point.

 

And yes, I'm already messaging other girls online.

 

Yeah, that sounds like a rough situation.

 

If you don't have any physical attraction to her then I don't think you should go out with her again.

 

It really is up to you.

 

Though if are considering doing a second date, make sure it's an active one like hiking, tennis or whatever. That should really help her relax and not be so serious.

[Teknoe]

You expected short shorts, flip flops, & a tee on a first meetup? This makes me question your expectations.

 

Anyways, DO NOT date this girl for practice, or your ego, or to feel better about yourself, or until something better comes along. How would you like it if someone dated you but really weren't all that interested...just using you as a place holder. It's not right. Tell this girl straight up you don't see things romantically but thought she would be a great friend. Let her choose if she's into a friendship or not. Treat others as you'd want to be treated.

 

 

Trust me, I wouldn't, and I won't. I don't want to lead anyone on, because I wouldn't want anyone leading me on.

 

As for the dress code, I guess I saw it more casually... whereas for her, who initiated by winking, had more "at stake" hence she dressed up a bit more. But it was a hot summer afternoon. I expected her a little more casual. Plus it is a coffee date. She dressed up like it was a 5 star dinner....

 

Moving on to the next one.

[Supernatural]

I too would like to chime into this with one bit of advice. Intentions should always made across in your non-verbal actions. Girls don't want the lovestruck professions or anything that lets across that you like her in wording. The moment you do this, you are loss.

 

Always see them in person and make your intentions clear by how you treat her; as a prospective partner and not as a friend. Hold the door open, be physical, brush across her, playfully punch her, hug her etc.

 

I busted a chance so now I wish you all the best mate and don't repeat my mistakes!

 

Good advice.

 

Man of few words in terms of stating how you feel. Man of action.

[Els]

Tell this girl straight up you don't see things romantically but thought she would be a great friend. Let her choose if she's into a friendship or not. Treat others as you'd want to be treated.

 

Yep, I agree with this. IMO the best thing to do would be to be honest and reject her nicely, not lead her on or 'use her as practice' as the others suggest.

 

That being said a work suit for coffee during the summer would seem odd to me too, unless she'd genuinely come straight from work.

[Teknoe]

Yep, I agree with this. IMO the best thing to do would be to be honest and reject her nicely, not lead her on or 'use her as practice' as the others suggest.

 

That being said a work suit for coffee during the summer would seem odd to me too, unless she'd genuinely come straight from work.

 

 

How would you phrase it? I wouldn't mind seeing her (off and on) as a friend, but I'm not sure I'm really interested in a friendship with her, either. It's one of those things where I rather be friends with a girl I'm either attracted in, or feel some kind of tight connection with. She doesn't spark either for me, so I feel it's better to just cut it at this point before it really went anywhere for either one of us.

 

But yeah the work suit-ish outfit with low heels was really offsetting to me right off the bat. I wouldn't have minded casual short shorts, flip flops and a tee. In fact, it's the kind of look that I probably enjoy most in a girl. I just think there's something sexy and simple about it that I enjoy. She had an odd body shape, her clothes didn't accentuate her best features, and she seemed much older than the one picture she had online. For a lack of a better term, I pretty much wrote her off once I saw her... I told myself she would need to have a DYNAMIC personality for me to change my mind, and she didn't have one IMHO. Sweet girl, but very forgettable. I feel sad for admitting or acknowledging it, but it is what it is. I wish her the best because I do think she would make for a very loyal and loving GF to someone.

 

Just not me.

[Teknoe]

So she texted me last night if I would be interested in hanging out again. I had to reject her kindly so I wrote:

 

"Hey, it was nice to meet you. However, I did not feel sparks on my end. I hope you find the right person!"

 

I felt it was a classy gentle rejection. She just wished me well back, and now I don't have to worry about hanging out and being friends. To be honest, she didn't seem like someone I wanted to develop a friendship with. That takes time and energy, and she didn't seem to be "worth my time" haha I hope that doesn't sound too egotistical. She was just a lot stiffer than her profile suggested. Oh well.

 

Have to admit though, it gives me a confidence boost to approach more girls now. If I wanted to, she could easily have been my girlfriend, and my drought would have ended. But I knew I wasn't attracted to her, and I refuse to be in a lukewarm relationship. I much rather be single and happy than be with someone just to say "Hey look everyone, I have a girlfriend!"

 

Been messaging a ton of girls since. No replies. No sweat, just gotta keep messaging.

 

I wish I liked her. I really do. Wish I found her more attractive, but first impressions are critical, and my first impression of her in real life was one of disappointment. She looked worse than the one photo she had, and didn't make up for it with a sparkling personality. She was nice, but rather drab. I am not going to settle!

[Zeurich]

I wish you all the best!