sgbtra Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 (edited) Hi so I've been on a few dates with this guy. Something makes me very uneasy about him and his motives. He has told me he earns way more money than me, was the recipient of multiple prizes at university, and is on governing boards for his profession. He admits he's a workaholic and a very driven person. I don't have a problem with ambition or success, but I feel strange that he has shared a lot of this information with me in a short period of time. These things mean nothing to me. His behavior recently has been a bit bewildering. He made a comment that I should try dating someone like him, because as in his words "I make more money than you". He also has made insensitive remarks about my work he suggested a stressful day at my workplace must be when a printer breaks, which of course pales in comparison to his causes for stress. Sometimes he is so sweet and loving to me, but then feels it's his duty to point out my flaws ie:I'm too giving or too kind. Yet I never criticize him. We play trivia and he wins like 30 games in a row, yet keeps on going back for more. It's almost like he enjoys being superior, he certainly doesn't encourage me to do any better. I feel he feeds on the fact that I'm loosing and enjoys winning. He's always bringing up issues and problems that leave me confused, I don't know how to solve them. He is very impatient, things have to be done his way. I feel like my concerns aren't respected. He has told me one day he will be famous for something. The real clincher for me was when we went to play scrabble and he had set the board up with a message for me, it read, "I am your prize". What does this mean? I feel this is a very self centered assertion that he is something incredible. It didn't sit well with me. After reading it I felt confused because I didn't understand it. I feel like this guy is at the very least incredibly arrogant but also may be narcissistic. Could I have some input and your thoughts? Is this guy bad news. I'm not a very driven person, but sometimes I find the things he says about himself way too much. I've read a little about emotional abuse and I can't help but feel I'm there to inflate his ego. Edited August 16, 2014 by sgbtra 1
mightycpa Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 A study was done recently, and it was found that narcissists are actually pretty open about telling you they are narcissistic. You can ask the question this way: On a scale of zero to ten, where one means NOT AT ALL and ten means COMPLETELY, how much do you identify with the following statement? I am a narcissist. It is best if you bury that in the middle of a couple of other questions, doesn't really matter what they are, as long as they are 0 - 10... that way you warm him up, and you'll get your answer.
Zapbasket Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Two words, backed by experience: GET AWAY. You are seeing everything correctly. (Yes, he is a narcissist.) 4
Supernatural Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Judging by you're post... He doesn't make you happy. And that's the goal in dating... Read your post again, but pretend you never wrote it. What would your advice be? 6
Eivuwan Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 If he's this difficult now, imagine how he'll be if he became your bf. 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Narcissism is a label that gets thrown around so often it's almost lost its meaning. That being said, no, I don't think this guy fits the bill (at least he doesn't seem any more narcissistic than most people) but I do think he has a slight superiority complex. If he makes you feel this way (I know I've never been made to feel "uneasy" around a guy I actually liked) then just cut ties with him now before you get more invested. It's really that simple. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 He's extremely arrogant and enjoys making himself feel superior to others. I don't have time for someone who makes me feel inferior. Those types of people are generally not genuinely interested in the other party, but only the validation and ego-boost they get from them. I wouldn't take things any further with him. 2
GemmaUK Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 You're getting an instinct. Listen to it. Act upon it. That is what instincts are there for. They shouldn't be brushed under the rug in the hope they will go away. 3
anne1707 Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 He may or may not be a narcissist. However he is definitely not respectful, caring, loving or considerate of others' feelings. What more do you need to know? Putting a label on it makes no difference. He is not a nice man. 6
veggirl Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Why do you continue going out with him? he's a douche. You have to ask if his behavior is douchey? Really? 1
Missy0724 Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 It is something that comes with time and experience, but always trust your instincts! If you are questioning something, or something he says, does, makes you UNCOMFORTABLE... Huge red flag. Either be completely honest and ask him, "Why do you keep bringing up the fact that you make more money?, why is that such an issue to you?" Ask him difficult questions. See his response. If he squirms, he's uncomfortable... WALK AWAY. IMO - yuck, strange and offensive things he is saying. Very immature and self centered, bragging, etc. "Boy" behavior, or BIG EGO. Maybe narcissistic, maybe not. That takes time to come out, see... I personally have always walked away from guys with big egos, "bragging" about money, material things, showing off, etc. No time for that BS or little boys... Set your boundaries. Stand up for them. Trust your instincts. You deserve the best. Don't settle. Something or someone makes you feel uncomfortable or weird, "off"... End it. Why waste time? Believe me, I've done that WAY TOO MANY TIMES! Take my word for it! And all the other posters on here!!! 1
mightycpa Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Asking someone might solicit a response but they might not be defining the word the way you do. Then he's a dolt, and he should be disqualified for being selectively brilliant. There's a dictionary available on every phone.
michellew Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 You could be very well dating a narcissist or just an arrogant d-bag. There are other signs to look for as well. I dated a true narcissist once and he came on very strong in the beginning. Before showing their unattractive, arrogant side, they will do anything to win you over, not bring you down. They will heavily pour on the charm and make you feel like the sexiest, smartest woman alive. They will make love to you like no one ever has before. You will truly feel like you never have before and will start to think you've found your 'soulmate'. Before you know it, you are 'addicted' this person. They thrive off of your adoration because it feeds their ego. They really do have strong feelings for you at the time, but in an instant, they can become bored and start looking for their next ego supply. This is where their ugly side comes out. Narcissists lack empathy and will toss you aside like yesterday's trash. They'll miss you for a minute, win you back and get a small "high" while doing so, then toss you out again. Eventually they will get no "highs" from the vicious cycle and you will be thrown out for good. It's not a pretty feeling at all! They will suck the life and self-esteem right out of you, and it will take months to repair the damage left behind. If you feel he's really a narcissist, GET OUT NOW OP! The longer you wait, the harder it can become. I know I sound dramatic, but you won't understand until you live it. Trust me, you don't want to live it. 1
ThorntonMelon Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Going to go further. You need to go to a therapist like, yesterday. You didn't need to go on a couple dates, you didn't need to make a post on a message board (though it's great that you did), you should have been able to trust your instinct immediately that something was wrong. The fact that your internal picker wasn't able to pick that up means you need to work through how you process this stuff, or you're going to get in big trouble. As for emotional abuse, it's a couple dates, I don't think he's done anything except actually be really honest about what an ass he is. Which means he did you a tremendous favor. 1
michellew Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Going to go further. You need to go to a therapist like, yesterday. She may have a point. I have issues myself and wallowed in the attention and affection I got from my narcissist. A 'normal' woman would have hit the ground running after date one with him. 1
Joaquin Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 (edited) Could be a narcissist. But definitely a boorish prick of a guy. Why would you bother with him, unless his behaviour in some way validates certain feelings you have about yourself. He's a bully. Enjoys humiliating you. Total prick. Edited August 16, 2014 by Joaquin 1
preraph Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Here's the test for whether he's a harmless narcissist or a bad narcissist. Find out if he has empathy. Like does he like animals or think they're a waste of space? Does he feel sorry for someone if they are ill or going through a bad time? Tell him a sad little story about someone you know and see how he reacts. Narcissism is just one of the facets of personality. On a scale of 1 to 10, we all have a little. I score really high on the scale, but I'm still not a big problem because I do have empathy, though it is kind of selective, but I care about my friends' problems or anyone who is having problems, but I don't care at all about someone's kids in the line ahead of me at Walmart. You may find out he doesn't care about your feelings or your needs except as it affects him. I will also tell you that I knew a guy that sounded something like yours once except he was NOT successful. In fact, I was his boss. When he first showed up at work (my boss hired him), he told me "I will be living with you within 3 weeks." He constantly said he was the best looking guy in the room, he picked up different women every night. He checked himself in the mirror constantly. We went to the same clubs, so I would run into him out. I found out he was physically abusing women he picked up. A couple of them came to me telling me about it because it was clear we knew each other. And he really liked me a lot. He was also a chronic liar. It's a long story, but in retrospect, I felt he was a sociopath. But I don't know if he'd always been one or not, and usually sociopaths get that way pretty young from bad parents or something bad happening. But there was also a big drug problem. He was doing meth or some kind of speed. He ended up confessing all to me in tears. He was impotent except when he did speed. He wasn't confident unless he did speed. And impotence is very common with sociopaths and rapists (yes) and murderers. It fuels their rage and desire to humiliate women. That statement yours made with the Scrabble is very grandiose. It could be narcissism, it could be sociopathy, it could be other psychological problems such as just delusions and grandiosity. It's unlikely it's anything that is going to benefit you, though. Plus you don't really know if he's truly successful or is a chronic liar. First find out if he's really successful. If he's as high-profile as he says he is, Google should turn up some announcements about him. I don't see this guy actually being a prize, though. Because if he really is that confident, then he is never going to be wrong and if it's a mask to overcompensate for insecurities, as I suspect, he's got a lot of work to do before he'll make a good boyfriend.
MissBee Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Eww...he sounds like a total douche. I'd cut him all the way off. Doesn't matter if he is narcissistic, arrogant or self-absorbed...whatever his diagnosis he sounds way too into himself and I'd be turned off. He makes you uneasy....what else do you need to know? Why would you need to proceed with a man who makes you uncomfortable? Doesn't matter why. If the man you're seeing makes you uneasy to the point of worrying about future emotional abuse, seems like a no brainer that you drop him. 1
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