Strike3 Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 I've been dating this girl for about four weeks now. She is the first girl that I've had any interest in whatsoever since I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago. I guess I'm just looking for a little advice on how to handle the situation I'm in. We hit it off well right away and have been hanging out several times a week for the last three weeks. Usually we just go out to bars and hang out with a group of friends. I know for a fact that this girl likes me, but I'm starting to think that maybe her liking me scares her. I just found out today that she just got out of a bad relationship two months ago. Apparently her ex was very verbally abusive towards her in many ways and treated her like garbage. When we do hang out I'm constantly getting mixed signals. One night she will be all over me all night, hugging and kissing me, but the next she will be very distant hardly ever touching me. This past Wednesday we met up for drinks and she was very out there, she later admitted that it was because she talked to her ex two days before and she was still very upset by it. She has straight up told me that she doesn't want a relationship, which is cool with me, because I don't either right now. But I don't want to just be her friend, if you know what I mean. I'm not looking for sex either, she isn't the type of girl to just give it up so easily. I guess I know what I have to do now and that is to back off for a while and let her get over her ex, but it's hard because I am really starting to like her and I know that she is into me. Any advice on how to handle a situation like this would be great.
iceisles Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 Originally posted by Strike3 I guess I know what I have to do now and that is to back off for a while and let her get over her ex Yep, that's all you can do. I'm in the same exact boat. Just keep plenty of distance and try not to give too much emotional support because you could be trapped as a friend. Tell her that you would like to get to know her better but that it will be difficult continuing to talk and hang out while her heart is in another place. The girl I like claims that she wants to start moving on, but if she wavers from that, I will just tell her to call me if she wants to date. I know you like her, but you won't get anywhere until she's willing to commit her heart to you.
LostinMyWorld Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 From a girls point of view it seems as though the girl your dating is not over her "relationship"..what i mean is that she is probably over her boyfriend but she's not over the whole drama thing....she's been in that relationship for so long that she got use too the bad treatment..she adjusted to that behavior and she doesn't know how to deal without it...its like a drug.she needs the drama.. I feel as if maybe she has you as a rebound guy to make her ex jealous which isn't coo...as a woman when I'm interested in a guy i show it and make it work. If i don't like him that much or not looking for a relationship i don't give mixed signals..(maybe that will help) A woman who is sure of what she wants will show it and go for it..be careful no one should be just a "rebound" Instead of going to a bar and drinking go out to a nice restaurant...make a more personal atmosphere and she how she responds too you more intimately...your last statement about not wanted a relationship it feels as is if you say that so you think to yourself that the problem and its not...you are more than ready but she's not...keep your doors open...
iceisles Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 As much as my girl likes me, she will probably run back to her ex. She seems to be addicted to drama and being treated like crap. I love how the world works sometimes.
EIN Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 nice sarcastic comment. I too am baffled when a woman who has been treated like **** and then finds the one who respects them, then goes and do the same thing that was done to her back at him (as a revenge?) and then gets back with the ex and the cruel cycle is repeated.
iceisles Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by EIN nice sarcastic comment. I too am baffled when a woman who has been treated like **** and then finds the one who respects them, then goes and do the same thing that was done to her back at him (as a revenge?) and then gets back with the ex and the cruel cycle is repeated. I have read a number of articles in reputable Psychology journals, and this seems to be fairly common behavior. It has something to do with the person's fear of branching out and starting something new, even if that new relationship would clearly be better. These folks tend to find some kind of twisted comfort with people that fit the pattern of how they have been treated their entire lives. It's probably similar to how children who are raised in abusive environments will often be poor parents themselves.
bluechocolate Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Listen to LostinMyWorld and let this one go. Two months is not enough time for her to have gotten over her break-up & previous relationship. She's still talking to the guy & by her own admission being "very affected". If you decide to continue seeing her do not be at all surprised when she decides to get back with her old boyfriend.
iceisles Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by bluechocolate Listen to LostinMyWorld and let this one go. Two months is not enough time for her to have gotten over her break-up & previous relationship. She's still talking to the guy & by her own admission being "very affected". If you decide to continue seeing her do not be at all surprised when she decides to get back with her old boyfriend. I concur. I would just forget about her. If she decides to move past the ex and commit to you, she will come back. As much as it sucks, I'm giving up on mine. There's just no way to expedite her healing process no matter how nice you are or how desirable you might be under better circumstances. And if she tells you that she is over him, make sure you really confirm if this is true or not. People will often say that because they want to believe it, but only her heart will know the truth. If you lived closer, we could grab a few drinks together and drown our similar miseries.
sallygirl Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Hi guys. I'm exactly in the same situation as Strike3's girl. I have a wonderful, caring, committed boyfriend right now and he's ready to marry me, but I'm still hung over my ex. It's a tough situation because some days, I feel like being romantic and close to my current boyfriend. At other times, I want to run straight back to my ex. Honestly, I don't know what's going to happen with me, but one thing's for sure. Try to give your girlfriend as much space as possible when you find yourself in a similar situation. My current BF sometimes tries to force me to forget about my ex and start showing him my heart only belongs to him, but sometimes, too much pressure makes it doubly difficult for a woman to forget her ex. So, my advice is, just be there for her but don't rush into a commitment or marriage or none of those things. My BF is already talking about having babies with me and that's a little too much for me right now.
Guest05 Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 I havent read the other replies, so I don't want to be repetitious...but if she says she's not over her ex....BELIEVE HER! The ex-factor is sooooo sticky. I had a bf leave me for his ex, and I left someone for mine once. It's not even that they love them more, it's a matter of a history that is so involved, and so complex, and so comfortable. Let her get over that. Guest
Author Strike3 Posted March 1, 2005 Author Posted March 1, 2005 Thanks for the replies. A couple of things... First of all, I'm pretty sure that she isn't ever going to go back to this guy. She says that she is so happy right now and that she hates him for what he did to her for all these years. But girls are messed up in the head, so who knows. She even tries to tell me that she is over him, but it is clearly obvious that she isn't if one of their conversations can affect her for more than two days. Second of all, hold the phone on babies and marriage talk for sure. I'm not even looking to get into a committed relationship right now. I just graduated college, am starting to look for a job, and will be moving in with three single guys in a month. A committed relationship is not what I need right now. But I do like this girl and would like to date her and be more than friends. If something gets serious down the road, than so be it, but right now im perfectly happy with just hanging out and talking with her a few times a week. It really is just a strange situation overall and the weird thing is that I know exactly what she is going through. Two months after I broke up with my ex the last thing in the world I wanted to do was get into any kind of even remotely serious relationship. And what scares me even worse now that i think about it is that I did date a few girls just to keep my mind off of my ex that I had no interest in whatsoever. It's obvious that I do have some feelings for this girl since I'm talking the time to make a post about it, but my feelings for her really aren't that strong yet. It's just weird because this is the first girl that I've had any feelings for at all and I've casually dated 3 girls since my breakup. I'm not going to call her for a few days to let things die down a bit, and then I'm going to tell her exactly where I'm coming from through this whole thing. The thing is that we have soooo much fun when we go out, maybe we can just keep it casual and continue to have fun. Who knows. I'll keep you all updated. 1
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