Why do some women struggle with dating?

[somedude81]

I've seen a few posts that say that women also struggle with dating.

 

So in my quest to understand women, I'd like to know some of the reasons why dating can be hard for a woman.

 

To me dating covers two topics, 1. Getting a date 2. Keeping a relationship going. I'm interested in both.

 

How are some ways women struggle with dating, and any ideas why they struggle?

[lollipopspot]

You are not under the impression that a female can get any single guy she wants, are you?

 

What if she isn't able to find someone she's attracted to, who is also attracted to her? That's the core of the issue for both females and males, no different.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/489896-friend-likes-me-too-much

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Your first mistake was skipping a step between 1 and 2. After getting a date but before 'keeping a relationship going' is GETTING IN A RELATIONSHIP IN THE FIRST PLACE!

 

So many men out there aren't interested in genuine relationships. A guy will ask a woman out be it via cold approach or OLD take her out, have a GREAT time - even to his own mind - click with her and everything but rather than say "Hmm, maybe this could go somewhere" he thinks "Hmm, what a cool chick to has as an FWB!" and hit her with the "I'm not looking for anything serious" bullsh*t before the drinks are cleared from the table.

 

And, as it happens, many women are willing to offer and/or accept sexual relationships with no strings (or at least very *thin strings) attached; even if that's not what they really want. A lot of men won't settle down or even think about getting into something more permanent because they don't have to. Why take up a steady girlfriend when you can just as easily have one or two FWBs in rotation for whom "wooing" consists of showing up at their doorstep with a bottle of vodka? It's a lot less effort and a guaranteed reward.

 

How can a woman who is relationship-minded compete with that?

 

Then you have men who might actually be interested in LTRs but put in such little effort it's discouraging. I have known SO MANY GUYS who genuinely feel that their sole duty in a relationship should merely consist of 'just showing up'. No romance, no fun no excitement (I don't mean sparks, I mean literal excitement like damn dude, can we go to Six Flags once in a while jesus!?).

 

A lot of men out there just don't know how to DATE. I mean actually date. Cute as it may seem for some, ordering pizza and snuggling on the couch watching Netflix all the time gets boring after a while.

 

So women have to not only find someone with whom they share a mutual attraction, they then have to find someone who has the same goals and desires as them. I've gone on dates with plenty of guys who were great, fun, attractive, who I got along with really well who would go on to eventually pursue me as a sexual partner and friend but no more.

[somedude81]

You are not under the impression that a female can get any single guy she wants, are you?

 

I'm holding off on my opinion for now.

 

What if she isn't able to find someone she's attracted to, who is also attracted to her? That's the core of the issue for both females and males, no different.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/489896-friend-likes-me-too-much

 

In that thread, the guy doesn't like the girl because she smokes weed and drinks.

 

Regarding the topic of this thread, have you ever struggled with dating? Or what do you think are some reasons that make dating hard for women?

[lollipopspot]

In that thread, the guy doesn't like the girl because she smokes weed and drinks.

 

Those aren't different than an other lifestyle choices and qualities one may or may not like. And you know that it's more than that. If she didn't drink or smoke, he wouldn't like her either, seriously.

 

Regarding the topic of this thread, have you ever struggled with dating? Or what do you think are some reasons that make dating hard for women?

 

Sure. Shyness, lack of self confidence/inability to put oneself out there, inability to read signals, depression, not liking the friend who might be interested romantically, etc. Same as for anyone. The essence of why it's difficult isn't gendered. I think you have the impression that no matter how shy or whatever the woman is, all she has to do is walk out her front door and an army of great guys will be there vying for her hand. That's not reality for most women.

[somedude81]

Your first mistake was skipping a step between 1 and 2. After getting a date but before 'keeping a relationship going' is GETTING IN A RELATIONSHIP IN THE FIRST PLACE!

 

Yup I missed that step. Thanks for point it out.

 

So many men out there aren't interested in genuine relationships. A guy will ask a woman out be it via cold approach or OLD take her out, have a GREAT time - even to his own mind - click with her and everything but rather than say "Hmm, maybe this could go somewhere" he thinks "Hmm, what a cool chick to has as an FWB!" and hit her with the "I'm not looking for anything serious" bullsh*t before the drinks are cleared from the table.

 

That's just putting the blame on guys.

 

And, as it happens, many women are willing to offer and/or accept sexual relationships with no strings (or at least very *thin strings) attached; even if that's not what they really want. A lot of men won't settle down or even think about getting into something more permanent because they don't have to. Why take up a steady girlfriend when you can just as easily have one or two FWBs in rotation for whom "wooing" consists of showing up at their doorstep with a bottle of vodka? It's a lot less effort and a guaranteed reward.

 

Why do women accept and offer no strings relationships?

 

 

How can a woman who is relationship-minded compete with that?

 

By trying to date guys who want a relationship?

 

Do women really compete with other women for men?

 

 

 

Then you have men who might actually be interested in LTRs but put in such little effort it's discouraging. I have known SO MANY GUYS who genuinely feel that their sole duty in a relationship should merely consist of 'just showing up'. No romance, no fun no excitement (I don't mean sparks, I mean literal excitement like damn dude, can we go to Six Flags once in a while jesus!?).

 

A lot of men out there just don't know how to DATE. I mean actually date. Cute as it may seem for some, ordering pizza and snuggling on the couch watching Netflix all the time gets boring after a while.

 

Also blaming men.

 

Why would a woman stick with a guy like that??

 

So women have to not only find someone with whom they share a mutual attraction, they then have to find someone who has the same goals and desires as them. I've gone on dates with plenty of guys who were great, fun, attractive, who I got along with really well who would go on to eventually pursue me as a sexual partner and friend but no more.

 

Yes, I understand that it does happen, and can suck.

 

What did do to those men. Have tried anything differently to not be in that situation again?

[lollipopspot]

Adding to the list: conflicting values (happens with some regularity), wanting different things, being in different places in life, unavailability of the person you might be interested in, finding few people to mesh with, etc.

[somedude81]

Those aren't different than an other lifestyle choices and qualities one may or may not like. And you know that it's more than that. If she didn't drink or smoke, he wouldn't like her either, seriously.

 

I'm not sure about that. For me, a women drinking a lot and smoking weed is an instant deal breaker.

 

Lifestyle choices aren't really relevant to this thread.

 

Sure. Shyness, lack of self confidence/inability to put oneself out there, inability to read signals, depression, not liking the friend who might be interested romantically, etc. Same as for anyone. The essence of why it's difficult isn't gendered. I think you have the impression that no matter how shy or whatever the woman is, all she has to do is walk out her front door and an army of great guys will be there vying for her hand. That's not reality for most women.

 

How much does shyness and a lack of confidence really affect women? Do you believe they have a significant impact?

 

What do you mean by inability to read signals? Something like they weren't able to tell when a guy is hitting on them?

[lollipopspot]

How much does shyness and a lack of confidence really affect women? Do you believe they have a significant impact?

 

Do I believe they have a significant impact? I know they do. It's hard for me to understand your thinking on this because it's very skewed from reality. If it's hard to put yourself forward, you get lost in the crowd and people don't really approach. If a woman is a beautiful model or something, maybe that's different, I don't know. But for average woman, it's not like there's an army of great guys approaching her and overcoming her shyness when she steps out her door.

 

What do you mean by inability to read signals? Something like they weren't able to tell when a guy is hitting on them?

 

That - she might not read his signals - or that she's socially awkward and doesn't know how to keep a conversation or interaction going well. Same as for guys.

[lollipopspot]

Adding variations to the list: not on the same intellectual or emotional plane, dislike of certain lifestyles (as you said smoking and drinking were deal breakers for you), lack of physical attraction...

[somedude81]

Do I believe they have a significant impact? I know they do. It's hard for me to understand your thinking on this because it's very skewed from reality.

 

This thread isn't about me.

 

If it's hard to put yourself forward, you get lost in the crowd and people don't really approach. If a woman is a beautiful model or something, maybe that's different, I don't know. But for average woman, it's not like there's an army of great guys approaching her and overcoming her shyness when she steps out her door.

 

Does a woman really need to be approached by an army of great guys to get a date?

 

Do women who are shy never get approached, or are they not getting approached as often?

 

Do women who are shy not put themselves in situation where men will approach?

 

That - she might not read his signals - or that she's socially awkward and doesn't know how to keep a conversation or interaction going well. Same as for guys.

 

Yeah, being socially awkward and not keeping a conversation going can affect both genders.

 

Often times when a woman doesn't seem to put much effort into a conversation I assume that it means she's not interested, so I leave.

[No Limit]

Female here.

 

Well, in my case the worst problem seems to be the first step. Being stared at is all well and good but if it doesn't go beyond that it's hardly anything.

 

The rest, well, here's my list:

 

1) Attraction; the first and easiest on this list because people feel "it" within just a few seconds.

2) Interests, goals; these two will eventually decide IF he's compatible and for how long. Interests doesn't mean that he has to do and like exactly what I do and like, in the end we just need to be able to talk about other things than school/work and the weather. Goals will determine how long the relationship will last, and also whether it'd be a total waste of time for me or not (sounds harsh, but in the end my lifetime is limited and the more I invest emotionally the harder it would be to break it off again). After all, it'd lead to nothing for both of us if he wants a life of adventure only and I'd want to start playing traditional family.

3) Getting to know each other. For me this remains a requirement; I don't spend 2 hours chatting and smalltalking with someone and then become his GF (although one tried that route once, but that guy also ruts himself through the neighbourhood...). No matter how much your interests/goals align, if his character is questionable I'll friendzone him at best.

4) A couple already? Great, let's see how much is left after the honeymoon phase.

 

Be aware that this is my list, other women have different ones. Plus I'm looking for a serious relationship, not a fling, hence why I gladly wait for meeting >him< either out of nowhere or by waiting until my generation has matured.

In my case there's also trust issues from future non-relationship-betrayal, but as my "inner circle" of friends shows I can overcome them.

At least my instincts seem to be keen enough. Was asked for my number by a guy who works at the same company like my mother, but I declined. For some reason my alarms were ringing so I asked my mom to look him over; the guy was 26 years old, married and father of 2 little kids. Ugh.

 

And to answer your other question; yeah, there are plenty of women competing for men. Many also need to as validation of their attractiveness and seductive skills, whatever they may be useful for.

That's actually one point I mentioned to someone who'd asked me why I didn't have a BF - there are plenty of mating-willing girls everywhere you go; the club, the disco, country festivities, all waiting at the bars, playing with their hair and staring into whole crowds of guys. Plus, they show much more skin than I do. I can't - and honestly, don't want to - compete with that.

[joystickd]

From the women I know in real life and one or two that I see post up here I will say a big reason is some women just need to change that strong female attitude. These women are just too much for a real man. It ends up coming off as manly and can be weird for a man. Sometimes to be successful as a woman you need to soften up and be more feminine.

[lollipopspot]

Do women who are shy never get approached, or are they not getting approached as often?

 

Do women who are shy not put themselves in situation where men will approach?

 

Yeah, being socially awkward and not keeping a conversation going can affect both genders.

 

Yes, some women are shy or awkward or "ugly" and are never or rarely approached. Or, I don't know, maybe they are approached occasionally but by your equivalent of a 300 lb woman that doesn't seem like a desirable partner for her. There's a certain type of predatory guy who seeks out women who seem like they have low self esteem or can't defend themselves well.

 

If a woman is shy and socially awkward, it's not like she's going to be going out to bars by herself usually. She may not have many friends, and that tends to not be a good environment for quiet people or nondrinkers.

[lollipopspot]

From the women I know in real life and one or two that I see post up here I will say a big reason is some women just need to change that strong female attitude. These women are just too much for a real man. It ends up coming off as manly and can be weird for a man. Sometimes to be successful as a woman you need to soften up and be more feminine.

 

Oh jeez, I don't think that's the prototype of a woman who can't get a date. Assertive, outgoing women usually do fairly well. That's just a type of woman YOU don't like.

[somedude81]

Female here.

 

Well, in my case the worst problem seems to be the first step. Being stared at is all well and good but if it doesn't go beyond that it's hardly anything.

 

The rest, well, here's my list:

 

Wow, lots of stuff

 

1) Attraction; the first and easiest on this list because people feel "it" within just a few seconds.

 

Is it that difficult for a woman to find a guy where there is mutual attraction?

 

This is just my opinion, but I believe guys are pretty easy to please when it comes to looks

 

2) Interests, goals; these two will eventually decide IF he's compatible and for how long. Interests doesn't mean that he has to do and like exactly what I do and like, in the end we just need to be able to talk about other things than school/work and the weather. Goals will determine how long the relationship will last, and also whether it'd be a total waste of time for me or not (sounds harsh, but in the end my lifetime is limited and the more I invest emotionally the harder it would be to break it off again). After all, it'd lead to nothing for both of us if he wants a life of adventure only and I'd want to start playing traditional family.

3) Getting to know each other. For me this remains a requirement; I don't spend 2 hours chatting and smalltalking with someone and then become his GF (although one tried that route once, but that guy also ruts himself through the neighbourhood...). No matter how much your interests/goals align, if his character is questionable I'll friendzone him at best.

 

I just realized that you are listing requirements for dating, and not actual issues women have.

 

 

Be aware that this is my list, other women have different ones. Plus I'm looking for a serious relationship, not a fling, hence why I gladly wait for meeting >him< either out of nowhere or by waiting until my generation has matured.

 

Have you met any guys that have fuffiled your requirements?

 

In my case there's also trust issues from future non-relationship-betrayal, but as my "inner circle" of friends shows I can overcome them.

At least my instincts seem to be keen enough. Was asked for my number by a guy who works at the same company like my mother, but I declined. For some reason my alarms were ringing so I asked my mom to look him over; the guy was 26 years old, married and father of 2 little kids. Ugh.

 

Ha, that's gross.

 

And to answer your other question; yeah, there are plenty of women competing for men. Many also need to as validation of their attractiveness and seductive skills, whatever they may be useful for.

That's actually one point I mentioned to someone who'd asked me why I didn't have a BF - there are plenty of mating-willing girls everywhere you go; the club, the disco, country festivities, all waiting at the bars, playing with their hair and staring into whole crowds of guys. Plus, they show much more skin than I do. I can't - and honestly, don't want to - compete with that.

 

Why do women feel that they have to compete for men? There are definitely enough men to go around.

[lollipopspot]

Why do women feel that they have to compete for men? There are definitely enough men to go around.

 

Well, there are even more women in the world than there are men. Yet I think that you feel that you have to compete for women, no?

[somedude81]

I had actually planned on creating a thread just like this, in order to provide the Yin to my Yang in the struggling dudes thread I created.

 

Heh, beat you to it.

 

Your thread inspired me to make this one and I've been thinking about making it for a while.

 

I think most women who struggle in dating make the same couple mistakes.

 

1: Getting involved with the wrong guys. They always seem to find the guys who don't want a relationship, or always want sex only. I can assure you, all guys are not like this, and when a woman finds these type of guys consistently, it is because they pick them.

 

Agree 100%.

 

There are also women who seem to consistently end up in abusive relationships.

 

There are tons of men out there who have never abused a woman, but if a woman's past 5 boyfriends have abused her, most likely it's her picker that is broken.

 

2: They expect more than they offer. I know a ton of single, out of shape moms with little to no income who only want to date fit, in shape, well rounded, single guys with a good career. Then they end up running into problem number 1, because that guy might have sex with them, but he can do better when it comes to a real relationship.

 

I also agree.

 

Men who struggle are constantly told to work on themselves and become better men. For some reason I don't hear that as much with women.

[joystickd]

Oh jeez, I don't think that's the prototype of a woman who can't get a date. Assertive, outgoing women usually do fairly well. That's just a type of woman YOU don't like.

Actually not true. Most women I have come in contact with were assertive. Look back at my post history. There is a big difference between assertive outgoing women and the women I'm talking about. The ones that in everyday life are control freaks.

[somedude81]

Well, there are even more women in the world than there are men. Yet I think that you feel that you have to compete for women, no?

 

Yes, I have to compete for women and I really wish I didn't.

 

From my perspective, there are simply more men who want to date then there are women who want to date. Even if the number of men and women are equal.

 

Go to any singles event and men will outnumber women at least 2 to 1.

[lollipopspot]

Actually not true. Most women I have come in contact with were assertive. Look back at my post history. There is a big difference between assertive outgoing women and the women I'm talking about. The ones that in everyday life are control freaks.

 

I'm talking about the kind that you were talking about, with the "strong female attitude" who are "just too much for a real man." I think generally those women can get a date, because they put themselves out there, same as a man who is assertive.

 

Yes, I have to compete for women and I really wish I didn't.

 

From my perspective, there are simply more men who want to date then there are women who want to date. Even if the number of men and women are equal.

 

Go to any singles event and men will outnumber women at least 2 to 1.

 

Have any statistic to back up the idea that a significant amount more women than men want to be alone? That doesn't make sense to me.

 

I go to many events in which there are a lot of women but few men, but I don't go to singles events. If that's the case, then it could be that a lot of women aren't comfortable putting themselves out there so directly, as I said before. Shyness, awkwardness, feeling they aren't attractive enough, whatever.

[somedude81]

Have any statistic to back up the idea that a significant amount more women than men want to be alone? That doesn't make sense to me.

 

I go to many events in which there are a lot of women but few men, but I don't go to singles events. If that's the case, then it could be that a lot of women aren't comfortable putting themselves out there so directly, as I said before. Shyness, awkwardness, feeling they aren't attractive enough, whatever.

 

It's just my life experience.

 

I went salsa dancing last night, and there were literally twice as many guys as girls at the club.

 

A woman who is shy and wants to meet men should go to singles events. All she would have to do is show up and men would constantly approach. She wouldn't even have to do anything besides go there.

 

BTW, what events are you talking about that have a lot more women that men?

[joystickd]

I'm talking about the kind that you were talking about, with the "strong female attitude" who are "just too much for a real man." I think generally those women can get a date, because they put themselves out there, same as a man who is assertive.

 

 

 

Have any statistic to back up the idea that a significant amount more women than men want to be alone? That doesn't make sense to me.

 

I go to many events in which there are a lot of women but few men, but I don't go to singles events. If that's the case, then it could be that a lot of women aren't comfortable putting themselves out there so directly, as I said before. Shyness, awkwardness, feeling they aren't attractive enough, whatever.

 

Actually you are not still. You don't get it.

[Allumere]

I struggle due to lack of experience. I didn't date when I was young. Dated my to-be husband and now ex starting at 14. In college we parted ways a couple times for no other reason then distance and age so I went on some dates but no relationships. So starting to date at 40 (and I am now 45) has..I'll be blunt..sucked. The problem is without the experience, the rejection part when the relationship doesn't work is pretty destructive so it takes months and months to be willing to try again.

 

I'm one of those girls who always hears "I can't believe you are single." Well, yeah neither can I! My looks are fine, I am fit, I have a good job, my own home etc., no debt. When dating I play it as "treat him as I expect him to treat me" which simply means I do make plans for us, I am respectful of their situation (i.e., if they have children be flexible) and don't ever get into any type of verbal nasty fight. I am not manly but independent out of necessity.., my only manly flaw is I do swear but can usually keep it in check unless over tired or frustrated.

 

So heck if I know. I have never left a relationship. With my ex I should have but that whole "til death thing" and fear glued my feet. As far as the other relationships, I really never reached a point where I wasn't interested in keep things going.

[Anela]

A woman who is shy and wants to meet men should go to singles events. All she would have to do is show up and men would constantly approach. She wouldn't even have to do anything besides go there.

 

She would still have to make conversation.

 

Why can't you just accept that it's just as difficult for some women, as it is for some (not all) men? I haven't responded until now, because of this. You keep saying that we would only have to do this or that, and we're golden.